Did you SO know before you told her?

[DIANEF]

That should be 'your' SO!
OK, I've been debating if I should actually ask this question, and I'm not expecting many replies. Anyhoo, this is mainly aimed at cross dressers who have long term partners and did the big reveal well into the relationship, only to find their partner was already aware of what was going on, or at least had an idea but said nothing. I ask because a few recent events have got me thinking. A few days ago my SO was painting her nails, she turned to me and asked if I wanted mine done, I muttered something about not liking the colour. In a charity shop I picked out a dress for her and asked if she liked it, her reply was that it would probably look better on me than her.. Eating a bread roll some crumbs went down her top. Damn, Ive got crumbs down my bra, she said, then added, do you ever get that?, and there have been numerous other instances. I'd normally dismiss these things, but they've all happened in a fairly short space of time. What I'm really getting at is this. At the moment I am in the closet, but there is a timescale for my spilling the beans to my SO. Now I'm wondering if should I tell her sooner and hope things go smoothly, or stick to my original plans. If I've got it wrong it could spectacularly backfire, If I'm right...., I just don't know. I'd welcome any thoughts on the subject.

[Joan58]

Looks to me like she at least has some idea, And may be subtly giving you the opportunity to talk about it.

Her comments to you sound light natured,, and she may be ok with finding out you have a feminine side

[bridget thronton]

Women do not like to think their husbands are hiding things from thsm

[Krisi]

Nobody here can tell you if your wife already knows or suspects. My wife may have suspected before I told her because she caught me trying to get out of her bra and blouse when she came home unexpectedly once. She never said anything though.

Here's what you should have done:

When she offered to pain your toenails, you should have said "Sure, why not."

When shopping for a dress and she said it would look better on you than her, you should have bought it, taken it home and tried it on. Act like it was the first time.

When she made the comment about breadcrumbs down her bra and asked if it ever happened to you, you should have answered "Yes, I hate when that happens."

This could all be done as a joke, but really, it could lead into a discussion of your desire to crossdress.

[Amanda Park]

I likewise think she knows and that you have maybe missed a few opportunities to open a discussion on the subject. The next time she makes a comment or raises a question relating to crossdressing, I would suggest you say, "Honey, you've made a few comments like this in the past... asking if I want my nails done, or if I get crumbs down my bra. I wonder if you're just joking around or are you trying to ask me something." Whichever answer she offers will help you out of your current dilemma. Good luck!

Amanda

[Jennifer in CO]

She knew...when she first met me was first night at college. It was a big "get to know you" party at a small community college. I had taken the opportunity of going to a college in another state 1000 miles from home to be "me"...as in Jennifer. So when she met me, I was full fem. She said later that she was pretty sure she wasn't attracted to other women but couldn't understand why she was attracted to me. As we got to know each other I toned way down the fem. That summer we went back to our respective homes. I finally had to know where this was going so I wrote her a letter and I told I really loved her but this was me and could she accept that. I got a pretty pink bra/pantie set in the return mail. Three weeks later I got a package in the mail. In it were a denim-like polyester peasant blouse and a pair of white linen slacks with a draw-string "belt". She had made them both. The blouse was more of a peasant 'cut' than a real peasant blouse (neck opening was a bit larger than would be on a guys shirt with no collar with small "V" front center, sleeves were elbow length and while not elasticized like a true peasant were sown to gather as if elastic). So when I actually asked her parents for her hand I was wearing that ensemble with the pink bra/panties on underneath. Flew from TX to CO so dressed as well. About an hour after all this we left to go back to school (about a 4 hour drive from her folks place). She had me stop on the side of the road and from her bag pulled out a short skirt that matched the top. I dropped my pants right then (she was happy to see hose on shaved legs) and put on the skirt and we drove on to school.

yeah...she knew

[misschris]

she definitely knows...

[NancySue]

She knows. Feminine intuition/ESP is something I believe is wired into all females. They can sense something very quickly.

Before we said "I do", one night after a party, she was undressing, taking off her pantyhose, looked up at me, smiled and asked, "would you like to wear these? Her question startled me. It was that moment, though, that I decided to tell her, thinking she'd dash out the door. She didn't and I took that leap of faith and blurted out the whole story...from the beginning. After many talks, she's accepted my CDing and helps. I asked her how she knew. Her answer was "I sensed it" by little things I did. She was totally right. She admired my truthfulness and courage to tell her more than my dressing. It was the best thing I ever did. Being free of guilt, dishonesty, hiding things, etc. is a new life. Since then, I have total respect for her intuitiveness. She can sense when I need to "relax" and encourages me. We shop together and often she will buy something for me that she thinks will look good on me. Her shopping "deal" is, one for me, two for me. Seems fair to me.

Hopefully, she, too will appreciate your honesty and is willing to forgive you for the time you've kept this from her. And, maybe not, or she will put "conditions". You know, by now, "it" will never go away...never.
Good luck with whatever you do.

[NicoleScott]

When I told my wife she didn't say she already knew or suspected, but it's still possible.

[Micki_Finn]

I agree with Joan here. Sounds like she very likely suspects at the very least and is giving you opportunity to come clean. Or at least subtly letting you know that she's OK with it. You should still proceed with caution, but the signs are looking positive.

[SherriePall]

When I told my wife after nearly 25 years of marriage, she claimed she had no clue whatsoever! I questioned her about a couple of statements (nothing on the line of yours) she had made over the years and she didn't recall some of them and said the rest were said in jest.
As for you, I think she may know. If she does, you'll be better off than I was when I told my wife. Took a while for her to calm down and even talk to me. She is still not a happy camper, but she is talking to me now (over 15 years later).

[DIANEF]

Once again thanks all for your comments and suggestions.
Diane xx

[stephNE]

She didn't know until I told her. On about our third date, I went to her apartment to pick her up, and I asked what she wanted to do or where to go. She said she didn't care and would do anything that I wanted.
I said "Really? Anything?" and she said "Yes, what do you want to do?"
So I said, "Well actually, I'd like to try on some of your clothes."
She picked out a few things for me to wear, and helped me to get dressed up, and we spent the evening watching TV.
37 years later, we are still married.

[Jessica Thompson]

awesome !

[Pat]

I don't have a parallel experience but my thought on this would be that if she suspects and is giving you opportunities to tell her she's also gauging your response. The less charitable way to say it is you're lying to her and she knows it. If you know someone is lying to you two issues come up: what else are they lying about and how stupid do they think you are? So if it is the case that she knows and is trying to get you to voluntarily tell her, it's probably very important that you do it soon.

On the other hand, if this is an issue that weighs heavily on your mind, you may be predisposed to hear invitations to confess in innocent comments. In that case I'd still go with telling her sooner rather than later because it will release your inner tension. I understand making plans and saying you'll do it when the kid moves out etc. But there's never really a perfect moment. Presumably you've been crossdressing all this time and there's no reason she can't know.

[AlyssaJ]

Leading up to my telling her, I thought she might know. Certainly there had been signs that I had left out there that I thought for sure she had probably put together and at least suspected. Turns out they weren't as obvious as my paranoid self thought. When I told her it was a very difficult conversation. All the cliche questions came up about was I gay, was I a woman trapped in a man's body, was I going to get a sex change.

Of course I didn't hold these against here. In our society, especially at that time (15 years ago), that was all people really heard about. She was worried she was going to lose her husband. Although she'd never admit it, I'm sure I became less of a man in her eyes as well. In the end, getting it out in the open with her was a very important step that in retrospect, probably saved our marriage.

[Jenniferathome]

I came out to my wife after more than 20 years of marriage. After I told her, she said there were little clues throughout the years (her clothes were hung up 'wrong' in the closet, for example) but she never made the leap to assume "cross dresser."

Better to tell her on your terms than being discovered. Sooner is better, wish I had been given that advice 20+ years ago....

[DIANEF]

Hi Stephanie, thats not a bad idea. I did once tell her a while back we should go to the Rocky Horror Show dressed up, she didn't sem to have any issues with me going in stockings. Unfortunately we could'nt get tickets and the opportunity passed.

[wanda66]

As the others have said take advantage of her remarks,it may move the issue along . You're lucky that she is asking,i take it that there is no sarcasm involved with her remarks,go for it!!!

[Tammy Terrain]

My wife just found out about my CD last Monday. She found all my clothes. When confronted I told her the truth they were mine. Not sure what is going to happen now. We have been married a long time and I was always afraid if I told her she would leave me. In big way I am very relieved she now knows and I hope for the best now.

[Jennie2]

Hi
It sounds like your SO knows or has an idea and may be doing a bit of digging. You can never tell what will happen when you do come out, as Bridget said they don't like their husbands hiding things from them. I thought my wife had an idea when I came out to her after 28 years, but she didn't and it didn't go down too well either, she didn't like the deceit.

But good luck in what ever way you choose to go

[DIANEF]

Hi Tammy, being found out is probably worse than telling her yourself, I am preparing for the big reveal in the near future, something that fills me with great trepidation but I feel its got to be done. The fact I've been in the closet so long isn't going to help. How accomodating is your wife to the idea of a man wearing womens clothing?, has she ever given any indication of being okay with the idea or something totally opposite. I really hope things work out for you. Keep us informed
Diane x

[gina shiney]

Dianef WTF she was giving you the opportunity to have a conversation in what appears to be a non confrontational way, not once but three times. Yes I can understand due to years of perceived shame/embarrassment and covert dressing, the first act of self preservation is denial, but to let the opportunity pass three times in such short succession? I sincerely hope for your sanity and the preservation of her trust and support you are quicker on the uptake. So many that frequent this site would would give their left (you know what I mean) to have such an opportunity as this.
Yours in hope of honesty Gina

[BillieAnneJean]

I started late in life so I asked my SO for her OK before I tried CDing for the first time.

[nikki47]

I told my wife before we were married,she did accept it and has been great and supportive.I was restricted from dressing while our children grew up.They have both left home now so i dress regularly now,still with my wifes blessing.we have been married 34 yrs now and i feel so lucky.