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Thread: Did you SO know before you told her?

  1. #1
    Stop that, it's silly.... DIANEF's Avatar
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    Did you SO know before you told her?

    That should be 'your' SO!
    OK, I've been debating if I should actually ask this question, and I'm not expecting many replies. Anyhoo, this is mainly aimed at cross dressers who have long term partners and did the big reveal well into the relationship, only to find their partner was already aware of what was going on, or at least had an idea but said nothing. I ask because a few recent events have got me thinking. A few days ago my SO was painting her nails, she turned to me and asked if I wanted mine done, I muttered something about not liking the colour. In a charity shop I picked out a dress for her and asked if she liked it, her reply was that it would probably look better on me than her.. Eating a bread roll some crumbs went down her top. Damn, Ive got crumbs down my bra, she said, then added, do you ever get that?, and there have been numerous other instances. I'd normally dismiss these things, but they've all happened in a fairly short space of time. What I'm really getting at is this. At the moment I am in the closet, but there is a timescale for my spilling the beans to my SO. Now I'm wondering if should I tell her sooner and hope things go smoothly, or stick to my original plans. If I've got it wrong it could spectacularly backfire, If I'm right...., I just don't know. I'd welcome any thoughts on the subject.
    Last edited by DIANEF; 09-12-2016 at 07:57 AM.

  2. #2
    Member Joan58's Avatar
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    Looks to me like she at least has some idea, And may be subtly giving you the opportunity to talk about it.

    Her comments to you sound light natured,, and she may be ok with finding out you have a feminine side
    Joan58

  3. #3
    Gold Member bridget thronton's Avatar
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    Women do not like to think their husbands are hiding things from thsm

  4. #4
    Reality Check Krisi's Avatar
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    Nobody here can tell you if your wife already knows or suspects. My wife may have suspected before I told her because she caught me trying to get out of her bra and blouse when she came home unexpectedly once. She never said anything though.

    Here's what you should have done:

    When she offered to pain your toenails, you should have said "Sure, why not."

    When shopping for a dress and she said it would look better on you than her, you should have bought it, taken it home and tried it on. Act like it was the first time.

    When she made the comment about breadcrumbs down her bra and asked if it ever happened to you, you should have answered "Yes, I hate when that happens."

    This could all be done as a joke, but really, it could lead into a discussion of your desire to crossdress.
    Last edited by Krisi; 09-12-2016 at 08:32 AM.

  5. #5
    Member misschris's Avatar
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    she definitely knows...

  6. #6
    Senior Member NancySue's Avatar
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    She knows. Feminine intuition/ESP is something I believe is wired into all females. They can sense something very quickly.

    Before we said "I do", one night after a party, she was undressing, taking off her pantyhose, looked up at me, smiled and asked, "would you like to wear these? Her question startled me. It was that moment, though, that I decided to tell her, thinking she'd dash out the door. She didn't and I took that leap of faith and blurted out the whole story...from the beginning. After many talks, she's accepted my CDing and helps. I asked her how she knew. Her answer was "I sensed it" by little things I did. She was totally right. She admired my truthfulness and courage to tell her more than my dressing. It was the best thing I ever did. Being free of guilt, dishonesty, hiding things, etc. is a new life. Since then, I have total respect for her intuitiveness. She can sense when I need to "relax" and encourages me. We shop together and often she will buy something for me that she thinks will look good on me. Her shopping "deal" is, one for me, two for me. Seems fair to me.

    Hopefully, she, too will appreciate your honesty and is willing to forgive you for the time you've kept this from her. And, maybe not, or she will put "conditions". You know, by now, "it" will never go away...never.
    Good luck with whatever you do.

  7. #7
    Gold Member NicoleScott's Avatar
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    When I told my wife she didn't say she already knew or suspected, but it's still possible.

  8. #8
    Silver Member Micki_Finn's Avatar
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    I agree with Joan here. Sounds like she very likely suspects at the very least and is giving you opportunity to come clean. Or at least subtly letting you know that she's OK with it. You should still proceed with caution, but the signs are looking positive.

  9. #9
    Silver Member SherriePall's Avatar
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    When I told my wife after nearly 25 years of marriage, she claimed she had no clue whatsoever! I questioned her about a couple of statements (nothing on the line of yours) she had made over the years and she didn't recall some of them and said the rest were said in jest.
    As for you, I think she may know. If she does, you'll be better off than I was when I told my wife. Took a while for her to calm down and even talk to me. She is still not a happy camper, but she is talking to me now (over 15 years later).
    Sherrie Lynn Pall

    Sometimes I make sense and that frightens me.

    Please don't let me be the last post on this thread

  10. #10
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    I came out to my wife after more than 20 years of marriage. After I told her, she said there were little clues throughout the years (her clothes were hung up 'wrong' in the closet, for example) but she never made the leap to assume "cross dresser."

    Better to tell her on your terms than being discovered. Sooner is better, wish I had been given that advice 20+ years ago....

  11. #11
    Member wanda66's Avatar
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    As the others have said take advantage of her remarks,it may move the issue along . You're lucky that she is asking,i take it that there is no sarcasm involved with her remarks,go for it!!!

  12. #12
    Member Jennie2's Avatar
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    Hi
    It sounds like your SO knows or has an idea and may be doing a bit of digging. You can never tell what will happen when you do come out, as Bridget said they don't like their husbands hiding things from them. I thought my wife had an idea when I came out to her after 28 years, but she didn't and it didn't go down too well either, she didn't like the deceit.

    But good luck in what ever way you choose to go
    Jennie x

  13. #13
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    Dianef WTF she was giving you the opportunity to have a conversation in what appears to be a non confrontational way, not once but three times. Yes I can understand due to years of perceived shame/embarrassment and covert dressing, the first act of self preservation is denial, but to let the opportunity pass three times in such short succession? I sincerely hope for your sanity and the preservation of her trust and support you are quicker on the uptake. So many that frequent this site would would give their left (you know what I mean) to have such an opportunity as this.
    Yours in hope of honesty Gina

  14. #14
    Platinum Member Teresa's Avatar
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    Dianef,
    My wife didn't have a clue, we were married twenty years before it became unbearable for me.

    I would say from your comments your wife knows all about your dressing, she's made too many suggestions for it to be a coincidence. If she makes a comment again test the water carefully and see what she says but don't jump in with both feet, if it turns out she's OK about it still take it slow. Just one question , are there any children to consider ? That's usually the one thing wives concern over apart from the obvious one of being gay or wanting to transition .

  15. #15
    Gold Member Dana44's Avatar
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    DianeF, She knows and suspects. I think she is trying to establish communication and the opportunity arises so take it and read the sticky section on how to come out. Then it should go pretty well.
    Part Time Girl

  16. #16
    leggings junkie ellbee's Avatar
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    There's always the possibility that our minds are playing a trick on us when stuff like this happens, as sometimes little remarks can actually be entirely innocent & would have been said to a non-CD.


    However, sounds to me like she probably knows or at least strongly suspects -- and is trying to get you to open up about it in a welcoming way.


    Is there anything in particular that you can think of that would have tipped her off?


    BTW, along the same vein: Most of our moms already knew, too... Whether they openly admit that or not.

  17. #17
    Silver Member Amy Lynn3's Avatar
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    I agree with Krisi. The next time she ask if you would like to wear a dress or something, say yes, if you will help me. Be serious when you do and not leave it where she will think you are joking. I say that, because I have been ask how I know so much about this or that and I tell them. Others ask if I like to wear this or that and I say yes. It is hard to get people to believe you when you are not flamboyant about things.

  18. #18
    Stop that, it's silly.... DIANEF's Avatar
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    Hi everyone, thankyou so much for your responses. I knew I could rely on you for your frankness and honesty. First off, my son is 25 and still at home, but leaving 'soon' (he says) I always planned on telling my SO when that happened. As for acting on my wifes hints, (there was no hint of sarcasm BTW). I suppose I have been a bit slow on the uptake, but I think there may be more opportunities to act on, I hope so. I'm not gay, bi, nor have any desire to transition. Once again thanks for responding. xx

  19. #19
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    Diane,

    I would not read more into the comments than purely innocent comments. If you consider that most wives, girlfriends, etc have no real clue about cross dressing, AND THEY DO NOT, then those comments are just comments. More of a kind of kidding than a real offer.

    Telling her is still the right thing, but don't wait for her to broach the subject, real or accidental.

  20. #20
    Member Gabby6790's Avatar
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    I was going to make a post about this kind of thing myself. I recently found a very girly keychain. As kind of an inside joke, I put it on my truck keychain. This morning she saw it and was like "really?? on your truck keys??" (Like on my jeep keys would have been better). I played it off because of the obvious joke. Then she said "Sometimes, I wonder about you.

    Yes, its the keychain. Not, the waxing my chest shaving my legs or painting my toenails. But for me I really think she just thinks these are weird things about me. My guess is that just couldn't believe supermacho me dresses like a woman. We will find out soon enough.

  21. #21
    Stop that, it's silly.... DIANEF's Avatar
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    Hi Jennifer, you and Laura have said something similar about innocent remarks. My wife can be very hard to read sometimes, so acting on those remarks fills me with indecision, do I, dont I? I'll probably wait for something fairly innocuous to occur and see how it goes. Hi Gabby, I wear a girls watch, I told my wife its because I have thin wrists, I just liked the watch!
    Last edited by DIANEF; 09-12-2016 at 01:17 PM.

  22. #22
    Gold Member
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    I told my wife to be before we where Married.
    Afterwords, we set up some guide rules, nothing to restrictive,
    but it work out for us for over 19 years. Now that she has passed away,
    I still kind of follow them
    Rader

  23. #23
    Member Tina June's Avatar
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    When I told my wife of 15 years (about 5 years ago) she said she had had no idea. I was mostly wearing her clothes and only had a few things hidden, but I was surprised she did not suspect, because there had been several close calls.
    I am very lucky - She is very supportive and helps me all the time

  24. #24
    Gender adventurer JamieG's Avatar
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    My wife never knew before I told her. And this is despite all sorts of comments from her that I thought suggested she suspected something. I think that sometimes we CDs suffer from confirmation bias: once we think (or hope) our wives might suspect, we notice every little thing that could confirm this, and ignore all of the evidence to the contrary.

  25. #25
    I am me! TrishaTX's Avatar
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    I think they all know something, what they know is different for each.
    No regrets except I should have got dressed & stepped out sooner.

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