I'll add one more to the "had some idea" side. When I pounced out of the closet she said "I always knew something was up with that"
I'll add one more to the "had some idea" side. When I pounced out of the closet she said "I always knew something was up with that"
I likewise think she knows and that you have maybe missed a few opportunities to open a discussion on the subject. The next time she makes a comment or raises a question relating to crossdressing, I would suggest you say, "Honey, you've made a few comments like this in the past... asking if I want my nails done, or if I get crumbs down my bra. I wonder if you're just joking around or are you trying to ask me something." Whichever answer she offers will help you out of your current dilemma. Good luck!
Amanda
She knew...when she first met me was first night at college. It was a big "get to know you" party at a small community college. I had taken the opportunity of going to a college in another state 1000 miles from home to be "me"...as in Jennifer. So when she met me, I was full fem. She said later that she was pretty sure she wasn't attracted to other women but couldn't understand why she was attracted to me. As we got to know each other I toned way down the fem. That summer we went back to our respective homes. I finally had to know where this was going so I wrote her a letter and I told I really loved her but this was me and could she accept that. I got a pretty pink bra/pantie set in the return mail. Three weeks later I got a package in the mail. In it were a denim-like polyester peasant blouse and a pair of white linen slacks with a draw-string "belt". She had made them both. The blouse was more of a peasant 'cut' than a real peasant blouse (neck opening was a bit larger than would be on a guys shirt with no collar with small "V" front center, sleeves were elbow length and while not elasticized like a true peasant were sown to gather as if elastic). So when I actually asked her parents for her hand I was wearing that ensemble with the pink bra/panties on underneath. Flew from TX to CO so dressed as well. About an hour after all this we left to go back to school (about a 4 hour drive from her folks place). She had me stop on the side of the road and from her bag pulled out a short skirt that matched the top. I dropped my pants right then (she was happy to see hose on shaved legs) and put on the skirt and we drove on to school.
yeah...she knew
Neither of us knew! We discovered Tina together one weekend.
I came out to my wife while we were still dating and I'm so glad I did. She accepted and supported my crossdressing for the 40 years that we were married until her death two years ago.
If your wife had made only one of those "joke" remarks, I'd say it definitely could be a random thing. But two of them? I don't think so. And three, or, as you say, "numerous other instances?" No way. She knows, and she's trying to give you a way to feel comfortable about sharing something that needs to be shared. In the case of my first marriage, I think that my failure to be open and honest created a barrier between me and my wife, even though she had no clue what the truth was, and that weakened our relationship so that when she happened to discover my stash of girly things, we no longer had a reservoir of good will to keep us together. Your wife is obviously a patient, loving and considerate person. I think you can trust her to continue to love you. There is no easy way or perfect time to tell the truth about a thing like this, but the sooner the better. Best of luck to you and to her, and please keep us informed.
She didn't know until I told her. On about our third date, I went to her apartment to pick her up, and I asked what she wanted to do or where to go. She said she didn't care and would do anything that I wanted.
I said "Really? Anything?" and she said "Yes, what do you want to do?"
So I said, "Well actually, I'd like to try on some of your clothes."
She picked out a few things for me to wear, and helped me to get dressed up, and we spent the evening watching TV.
37 years later, we are still married.
Stephanie
Once again thanks all for your comments and suggestions.
Diane xx
Dian, she knows your secret! I'll make a small wager. Wait until Halloween and suggest you and her go to a Halloween costume party. Ask her what you should wear. Three guesses and the first two don't count.
Hi Stephanie, thats not a bad idea. I did once tell her a while back we should go to the Rocky Horror Show dressed up, she didn't sem to have any issues with me going in stockings. Unfortunately we could'nt get tickets and the opportunity passed.
My wife just found out about my CD last Monday. She found all my clothes. When confronted I told her the truth they were mine. Not sure what is going to happen now. We have been married a long time and I was always afraid if I told her she would leave me. In big way I am very relieved she now knows and I hope for the best now.
Hi Tammy, being found out is probably worse than telling her yourself, I am preparing for the big reveal in the near future, something that fills me with great trepidation but I feel its got to be done. The fact I've been in the closet so long isn't going to help. How accomodating is your wife to the idea of a man wearing womens clothing?, has she ever given any indication of being okay with the idea or something totally opposite. I really hope things work out for you. Keep us informed
Diane x
I started late in life so I asked my SO for her OK before I tried CDing for the first time.
I told my wife before we were married,she did accept it and has been great and supportive.I was restricted from dressing while our children grew up.They have both left home now so i dress regularly now,still with my wifes blessing.we have been married 34 yrs now and i feel so lucky.
DianaF; I wish you well when you tell your wife. When mine found my female clothes she was more concerned at the time I was have sex with other gurls or even men. I assured her I am not and have not. Like you I have been thinking really hard about telling her. My big issue with not telling is the amount of time I have been hiding it from her and her reaction to the amount of time. She did bring that up. One other reason I have not told her is she has made a lot of negative comments about the TG things on the news. From Catlyn to using public bathrooms. She makes negative comments every time. So I held back from saying anything. We will see what happens. Not sure what my next move should be. Yesterday, the second day, we really did not talk to each other. At least she did not throw my stuff out yesterday. I really hope that does not happen. I do not plan or want to stop. My hope is she allows me to dress just not around her. Unless, she says she will support me and help me, that would be fantastic and make me so happy. Either way I am so relieved it is out now. Thank you for the comments they are really helpful.
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BillieAnneJean; Who did you bring it up that you wanted try dressing before you tried it?
you have made a plan, you must of had some reasoning that you put in, my thought is stick with your plan, when i revealed to my wife i had a plan....dont dump it in the middle of the work week....dont do it before the holidays, may be the last time i see my son, so i did it a week later than planned but the way i had planned in the middle of January.... i used jenn@homes letter tweaked with my personal thoughts, i had hoped for the same reaction as jens wife,
Her words,"Honey I've known for years. It's ok and I am kind of relieved."
Me: "Why relieved?"
Her: "I didn't know if you were gay or wanted a sex change or what."
Me: "How did you know?"
Her: "Every time I came home from being away my clothes were out of place, hung differently, that kind of thing."
well it didnt go that way, one thing is her size is way to small, think fat man in a little coat (chris farly)
so this resonated with me....
also she was pretty liberal about LGB stuff.....lesbian friends and what some say is gay-dar, she just nailed it with everyone but me, add to it i had some real ooppps moments, leaving traces out, forgetting to throw things out, once left a canister with my make-up in the bathroom overnight, wig in a bag on the dresser overnight, my son and wife totally missed it or just never said anything.Originally Posted by JamieG
so if you do it, do it your way....for your reasons.
my main reason was my dad had just passed and the family ladies were routing through his belongings...i was asked not to come...i realized that if i were to perish what would she assume and taking this to my grave was no longer an option, i could not do that to her, i would painfully answer her questions now than have her assume something that were not true....
jen@home's wife is the reason that i decided to tell as i hoped for a similar reaction....it wasnt,
things worked out for us but its not the norm....it goes both ways, best of luck if and when it happens.....
....Mykell
i dressed like a girl and i liked it!crossdressing...theirs an app for that
I told my SO before we were married. Didn't tell anyone else but found out that my PA at work had figured it out and then some of her friends also. Sharp eyes and intuition will do it every time.
awesome !
I don't have a parallel experience but my thought on this would be that if she suspects and is giving you opportunities to tell her she's also gauging your response. The less charitable way to say it is you're lying to her and she knows it. If you know someone is lying to you two issues come up: what else are they lying about and how stupid do they think you are? So if it is the case that she knows and is trying to get you to voluntarily tell her, it's probably very important that you do it soon.
On the other hand, if this is an issue that weighs heavily on your mind, you may be predisposed to hear invitations to confess in innocent comments. In that case I'd still go with telling her sooner rather than later because it will release your inner tension. I understand making plans and saying you'll do it when the kid moves out etc. But there's never really a perfect moment. Presumably you've been crossdressing all this time and there's no reason she can't know.
I am not a woman; I don't want to be a woman; I don't want to be mistaken for a woman.
I am not a man; I don't want to be a man; I don't want to be mistaken for a man.
I am a transgender person. And I'm still figuring out what that means.
Leading up to my telling her, I thought she might know. Certainly there had been signs that I had left out there that I thought for sure she had probably put together and at least suspected. Turns out they weren't as obvious as my paranoid self thought. When I told her it was a very difficult conversation. All the cliche questions came up about was I gay, was I a woman trapped in a man's body, was I going to get a sex change.
Of course I didn't hold these against here. In our society, especially at that time (15 years ago), that was all people really heard about. She was worried she was going to lose her husband. Although she'd never admit it, I'm sure I became less of a man in her eyes as well. In the end, getting it out in the open with her was a very important step that in retrospect, probably saved our marriage.
after our third date I pretty much slept at my wife's place every night. Like most new couples our sex life was crazy. As such we usually dropped our clothes off on the floor as we headed to bed for a little fun. One morning when I got up, I picked her panties off the floor and said "look at these little things". She then challenged me to try them on and I obliged. She really seemed to like it. So a few days later I asked if she wanted me to do it again. She said only if I wanted to. So I did. A few days later she asked if this was a thing for me and I told her the truth. While she was always fine with the panties, it took a long time for her to be comfortable with me fully dressed.
I'm thinking there's a chance she might have known because she strongly encourage me early in our marriage. Lots of hints and inundos.
The problem is that you can't tell whether she's fishing or hinting that she already knows. Just because she suspects, doesn't mean 1. that she knows, or 2. that she wants the outcome of her question to be that you are a crossdresser. We often get caught up in the 'wishful thinking' state, wanting so much to believe that everything will work out fine, that when the stuff hits the fan we feel like we've been blindsided.
Don't let wishful thinking cloud your judgement.
and with Halloween coming up, you can use that as an excuse. Start with a scary witch. You can go to something more feminine if that works out ok.
^that's the key. Often people will suggest something they think absurd in a comedic gesture, expecting the answer to be no. Don't misunderstand that. How do I know. Before my wife found out about my crossdressing, periodically she's say something like that. The one I remember best was 'Don't get your knickers in a twist', but there were several others that implied feminine behavior on my part. Yet when she found out that I WAS a crossdresser, she was horrified.
^and there it is. Coincidence. That's all.
and women are often willing to put up with all kinds of weird, until it becomes TOO weird.But for me I really think she just thinks these are weird things about me.
OR...she suspects the worst, that you ARE a crossdresser or TS, she just wants to confirm it before launching into you with both barrels, so she tiptoes around the issue, trying to get you to confirm or deny. She doesn't want a confrontation before she's sure, doesn't want to accuse you of doing something so heinous so she is trying to get you to give yourself away.
You really have to weigh out the potential backlash. For me, it happened all of a sudden; she found a slip that i had left out. But she thought I was fooling around on her. I only had a split second to decide whether to come clean about my crossdressing, or lie and make up some tale about a one time cheat and hope for the best. I went with the truth. And, the truth shall set you free. She divorced me. We went to therapy, the whole nine yards, for a couple of years. But she admitted that if she had known of my crossdressing beforehand,she never would have married me. Yet, many millions of marriages survive a single incidence of infidelity. It might take a while to get over, but get over it many do. No so with crossdressing, because it changes forever how she will feel about you; no longer are you the masculine macho man she got hot for; now you're a girly boy, and few women are turned on by girly boys. Most women will never want a husband who crossdresses; it's simply not something they're attracted to. No little girl grows up dreaming of a double gown wedding ceramony with her husband in a dress. The difference between a cheater and a crossdresser, is that she still sees the cheater as a masculine, sexually attractive person. Once you're seen as a girly boy, there's no going back. And if, with that image in her mind, her sexual attraction to you is lost, so may be the marriage. Don't be fooled into believing that this is the way things must go; that you've reached the breaking point and simply must tell her and hope for the best. Because if things go bad, you may NEVER get another date, and never have another wife. Ever. That's the harsh reality for most of us. Sure, there are a number of people on this forum that have accepting wifes, but few are enthusiastic about it, and there are far more that won't tolerate it at all. Plenty of men crossdress in private, and make that be good enough, knowing that it would destroy the rest of their lives it it became public knowledge. Don't throw away your life because you wish it could be better, and the pink fog has you seeing a person who's just thrilled with the idea of her husband being a crossdresser. Because YOU WILL try to make that leap; YOU WANT so much for it to be true, that she will absolutely love you becoming a sissy, dressed in woman's clothes, learning how to behave like a girl, talk like a girl, and maybe even have sex like a girl. The number of women like that out there are in the small fractions of 1%, perhaps less than a couple hundred in the whole country. Are you willing to bet your life on a 0.001% chance? Consider carefully.
Don't let the dream interfere with your sound judgement. Tread carefully. Unless you're prepared to live the rest of your life alone, do not jump in with both feet just because you want it so very much. Remember, you might want to win the lottery very much too, but the odds of finding a wife who likes crossdressing in her husband, and getting a winning lottery ticket, are about the same. Nil.
You can't unring a bell. If you are prepared for the worst possible outcome to coming out to your wife, and can accept that outcome, then proceed. Otherwise, take it very slow, and carefully make little changes that you can retreat from if necessary. As above, try the wicked witch for halloween, you can always pass it off as wanting to be something scary from the wizard of oz (there isn't another scary thing in that, so that's the excuse, you could even make it obvious by watching the movie in a week or two, and say that is what made you think of it). If that goes over well, and she doesn't make fun of the idea that you chose a female character for Halloween, then consider another 'baby step'.
Last edited by sometimes_miss; 09-16-2016 at 02:30 AM.
Some causes of crossdressing you've probably never even considered: My TG biography at:http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...=1#post1490560
There's an addendum at post # 82 on that thread, too. It's about a ten minute read.
Why don't we understand our desire to dress, behave and feel like a girl? Because from childhood, boys are told that the worst possible thing we can be, is a sissy. This feeling is so ingrained into our psyche, that we will suppress any thoughts that connect us to being or wanting to be feminine, even to the point of creating separate personalities to assign those female feelings into.
Once again excellent advice from you all. Lots for me to think about. Thankyou
Diane x
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