Need parenting advice

[Jane277]

Ok so I have a child who all his life (all 11 years) I have taught him that it does not matter what anyone thinks about him, all that matters is that he is happy with himself, but this last month since I've been dressing, I keep it hidden ( only wife mother in law and you ladies know )because I am terrified of how people will view me. I have become ashamed not of dressing but hiding it, but can't stand the thought of anyone knowing after all being a child is hard enough in society without having the added pressure of their peers knowing his father likes to dress as a woman. Any advice would be appreciated

[Nadine Spirit]

The children I have let know about me, mainly my sister's kids, have been extremely kind and understanding. A few other's have asked about why I wear nail polish while dressed as a guy and I tell them that I like to. I also tell them that lots of adults say it is okay to be different and to be yourself, even if other's do not approve, but they tend to be very "normal." Well I am not normal, and even though I am afraid of people making fun of me, I will do it, even and especially in front of children, because I want to show them it is okay to be different. Show them, not just give lip service to a hollow idea.

I am not trying to pass judgement on you, as you are the father of your children and you can choose to do what you want, but I can see where you feel a bit off with telling him it does not matter what anyone else thinks and at the same time, you hide yourself because of what other's may think.

[redtea]

Just keep hiding.

[Jenniferathome]

Firstly, the message you gave him is the right one. But secondly, as a parent of three children, I ask how does cross dressing affect him? Unless you plan to dress around him, he has no reason to know. As for him accepting you, that is quietly likely water off a ducks back for him. Kids are super malleable. IF HE KNOWS, he will confide in friends eventually and the cat is out of the bag so be ready for that should you choose that path

[Micki_Finn]

Not a parent myself but it seems to me that coming out to your child necessarily includes a discussion of gender identity. I'm not sure that at 11 he's old enough for that kind of conversation. But again, no kids so maybe 11 is old enough? Kids are pretty savvy these days.

[DIANEF]

My boys are now adults, but have never known about my dressing, at least as far as a I am aware. They've always known that I'm slightly unconventional, more interested in painting and drawing than football or athletics, but its never harmed our relationship in any way. I'm not sure kids need to know, especially younger kids as they tend to talk, either intentionally or not,but every parent will have their own views.

[Tracii G]

At his age he really has no need to know.
Your fist advice was the proper one even if you can't quite live up to actually doing it yourself but again he doesn't need to know that at least not now.
He needs his Dad to be a role model and a man so while he is young be the man he needs you to be.
You need to be his rock and needs you to teach him hoe to be a man.

[Jane277]

Thank you all for your advice. I have decided to keep it hidden from him as i see it doing more harm than good. Thanks again for the guidence

[Teresa]

Jane,
I've said this before but I feel it's best to wait until they are adult, they have enough problems themselves growing up , you should be there for them and not put an adult problem on a child's shoulders.
Besides that if you do chose to tell him you can't hold him responsible for saying something to others , then you will all have to live with that one.

The feeling of being ashamed is something you will have to work on, you can't go on feeling that way when it's something you can't change, it's part of you, the clothes are only part of the equation , we still have to live with feelings whether we dress or not. My children are adult now with married partners they all know about my CDing and that I go out socially. I can't lie and say it hasn't changed anything but I still remain a husband, father and grandfather to them , although the grandchildren don't know, so we're all in the situation now of them not knowing. I will add though that my daughter and her husband are very accepting and they don't have a problem with my granddaughter knowing.

[ellbee]

Here's the catch: Suppose the kid is secretly CD'ing, too?


Anyway, I dunno. I'm not a parent.


But, Halloween is coming up. Would it really be such a horrible thing for the OP to openly be seen in front him, dressed up in a "costume" that night/weekend?

[docrobbysherry]

If u were to tell him and ask him to keep it a secret? That could be a huge unnecessary burden on him!

[Tracii G]

I agree with Sherry.

[Teresa]

Laura,
I thought about adding that comment, I started at about 8-9 years and was a fully functioning male by 10, the problem is in my day there was very little information, and I didn't know what was going on. So would it have helped me if my father had told me he was a CDer ? I really can't answer that, would it have helped me or made me feel worse ?

[raeleen]

I've seen this theme of thread come up a few times, and I've taken a stance in the past that goes contrary to what other folks have said here. I think telling your kids and setting an example of being your truest self is important. But it's important that you've got things figured out for yourself first, and that you also consider what the potential impact on your lives would be. Do you live in a progressive and accepting area? Does disclosure impact your job or lifestyle? Do you identify as just a dresser or are you questioning your gender identity? All really important to think about.

I'm identifying as gender fluid now, and though I spend about 90% of my time presenting masculine, there is some time that I present femme. My children, who are younger than yours, both know that dad has some dresses he wears sometimes, and that gender identity roles are very much socially constructed. We've talked lots about this, and (full disclosure) part of this came from the fact that I have a young trans-daughter. She was very clear from an early age that she identified as a girl, and to be honest, seeing her live her truth and being proud of who she is definitely gave me a bit of a kick in the pants to get myself together and figure out my own gender. I am not out to people, but if I do get outed by my kids, I am prepared to cross that road. To be honest, I have a lot of faith that my kids understand that there is a difference between secrecy and privacy, and that there are things we keep private in our home. It's not anyone else's business, but if they should happen to find out, it's nothing that we're ashamed of.

Plus, I don't really think of this as a burden. To let your child know the whole you is a gift. There are a million other things that they deal with every day. Having this knowledge about you is not something that makes there life harder. It teaches them that our world is made up of lots of amazing types of people, and one of those people are in fact someone they love and are close to.

Now, I live in a very progressive part of the country, and I run in circles where there are other trans folks, so my situation might be different than yours. And this is why I say you should really think about your specific situation before making any decision. Disclosure is a one-way street. Once you've told someone, you can't really 'untell'.

Good luck, Jane. I think it's awesome that you're being reflective enough to think abuot how you live what you're teaching your child. Wishing you the best.

[Nadine Spirit]

Raeleen, awesome post! That just made me SO happy! Good for you and your family!!

[Teresa]

Raleen,
I understand your viewpoint, I know I'm talking from a DADT situation, having a partner/wife on board or not makes a huge difference .

I guess I do wonder if it is a burden or a benefit to tell children , my daughter had enough to contend with at school because she was bullied. She needed our support, I'm sure in those circumstances it could have been much worse if other pupils knew about about my CDing. Now she is the most supportive of all my family members , so I still feel I chose the best option ,we all have to consider our own circumstances .

[Jane277]

All great points, and after reading and considering all the advice you ladies have given, I think it is best not to tell him at this point. I cannot see it doing anything other than adding unnecessary pressure on him

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Your decision seems wise to me. If you wanted to live dressed as a woman full time then you'd have to think again, but if you're an occasional CDer it's really a no-brainer. Keep things simple. You can always revisit the question when he turns 18-21.