Was there a line that was crossed causing you to go all femme?

[redtea]

I'm in the "just CDing" area, meaning everything is below the chin.

My curiosity which has been the main catalyst for my growth as a CDer has always pushed me to try new things. I feel like my curiosity will run out of clothes and start pushing me to do my head.

My questions for you guys are...

1- Have you been in the state of "Just CDing" without doing anything feminine to your head?
2- Do you feel the Deep pink fog whispering you to go one step further like it always has?
3- What caused you to finally give in to it and create your female look? Was it independence which removed all the barriers/worries that keep you from going that far?
4- Do you regret going that far? I got the feeling that if I tried to pass, I will become all sorts of messed up, I won't know who I am anymore. I will certainly regret not being able to look in the mirror and feel man. I might even create a situation where I like my female look more than my male but be overwhelmed with shame due to me believing "I am a male". I believe this could happen because everything from underwear to pants to shirts that I try the female version of, I like more

5- How many of you would go back in time and stop themselves from crossing the line from "just CDer" to "female impersonator"? I read on these forums all the time about SO's not minding CDing but once "Tiffany" or whatever name was chosen comes out, it causes friction in the relationship because the Woman feels not as special. I feel like right now I am "back in time" and I could just not walk down that path curiously, because I know that if I try anything once I will be damned.

The idea of being completely feminized is a real turn on for me, mostly due to the extreme taboo of it and being a taboo that isn't illegal or disgusting, But I refrain from indulging because I think the consequences are too real and I will have nothing to help justify it, explain it, or feel remotely good about it when I sleep at night.


I

[NicoleScott]

Redtea, your definition that CDing is below the chin is not generally accepted. If it is for you, that's fine.
There are many crossdressers here who have no desire for a total transformation. But I can't recall any post in which a CDer expressed regret for "going too far" by going for total head-to-toe transformation. Quite the opposite, where many CDers related their "oh my!" moment when seeing themselves in the mirror in total femme mode for the first time.
It sounds like you want to but you're scared to, and that conflict is causing some distress. Of all the conflicts CDers post about, that's a new one for me. Still, you might want yto resolve it before going forward. Honestly, I think it's your shame and guilt about CDing in general that needs resolving.

[DaniT]

I will try to answer each of your points briefly and concisely in order. I could likely write for days on several of the questions.

1-Yes. Almost every day after I'm home from work.

2-Yes sometimes, though I avoid going as far to change my looks as applying make up if I know I have guy mode things to do and I don't have time.

3-Creating my female look was due to a sense of need and dissatisfaction with the way I was. I repressed the feelings for many years and when they were forced to the front, I had to go all out.

4-No I don't regret going that far. It makes me too happy. My current goal is to be able to flawlessly transform from man to woman and back as the needs of my life and feelings suit me. That said, I might be some variety of gender fluid, but that's something I hope to work out in counselling. Right now I have been enjoying being in female mode more than male mode but I don't know whether that will always be the case.

5- If I could go back in time, I would go back to when I was 18 and start being true and honest with myself. Repressing everything has honestly done me more harm than anything. Struggling to accept myself ten years into a successful career and nine years into a relationship is less than ideal. Had I been honest with myself in the beginning I wouldn't now be in a position to hurt so many people around me.

Hope that helps

Dani

[Lana Mae]

Ok I will give this a try!!
1. There have always been feminine things in my head!!
2. The Pink Fog does not go away!! That is why I am having a transformation! To see my feminine side completely!!
3. See #2
4. I will not regret any part of my journey for it is part of who I am!! Yes I am physically male but there is also a female side that I can express!! I do not plan on transitioning at this time! If I had an SO, Lana Mae and her would do all kind of things together because I would not accept anything less!! In my current state of mind and I know those already with an SO this will not always be the case!!
5. sorry see #4 and if I could go back, my life would be totally different if I knew then what I know now!! A much earlier start!! I sleep just fine in my nighty and panties Thank you!! Hope you are able to resolve this and find some peace!! Hugs Lana MAE

[Nikki A.]

I think I have ADD and don't have the patience to answer multi part questions.
However my line was an escalating line. As I tried one facet, I just had to try something to look or feel better. Eventually I got to full femme mode, but I am still trying to get better in presentation. However, I am still happy at times just lounging in the clothes without make up or wig.
Do I regret this part of me, no. But there are times when I wish I can put it away and there are other times when I want to be open to the whole world that this is who I am, so accept it.

[redtea]

Guess I'm just a poser, not a real CDer. I'm a poser in everything I do in life, I half ass everything so that when my passions come into question I don't get completely devastated when I throw them away and pretend like "that's not me"

yeah I'm messed up, I was hoping to find someone in the same situation. I just feel so one of a kind on here. I guess my type wouldn't even be talking about it on the forums.

[I Am Paula]

I'm guessing nobody has told you, when you put your head thru the looking glass, all sorts of things happen:
You will change your name to Ivana Mercedes, and dance in the go-go cage at the drag bar.
You will take an interest in guys, and move in with a hairdresser named Mr. Armand.
You will end phone conversations with 'toodles'.
You will buy a Fiat, and a small dog.

Go above the neckline at your own risk. Trust me, I've been there!

[Jenniferathome]

...

1- Have you been in the state of "Just CDing" without doing anything feminine to your head? ...

Of course. When I was young and just testing various articles of clothing. I didn't experiment with make up until I was a teenager. Didhavea wing until I was in my thirties.

...

2- Do you feel the Deep pink fog whispering you to go one step further like it always has?...

I think it's just a natural progression based on curiosity and ability to acquire what was needed. Not some deep longing, for example. Just finishing a picture, if you will.

...

3- What caused you to finally give in to it and create your female look? Was it independence which removed all the barriers/worries that keep you from going that far? ...

When one buys a wig, one must admit they are more than just a "cross dresser." One is now venturing into "being seen as a woman." That was a big admission for me. I didn't know the answer to the why, just that I wanted to see a complete image.

...

4- Do you regret going that far? I got the feeling that if I tried to pass, I will become all sorts of messed up, I won't know who I am anymore. I will certainly regret not being able to look in the mirror and feel man. I might even create a situation where I like my female look more than my male but be overwhelmed with shame due to me believing "I am a male". I believe this could happen because everything from underwear to pants to shirts that I try the female version of, I like more...

Not at all. In fact now, I have far less curiosity and think about cross dressing less because I can anytime I want and I know the result. I'm a dude first and foremost. I just happen to enjoy cross dressing and presenting as a woman on occasion.

...

5- How many of you would go back in time and stop themselves from crossing the line from "just CDer" to "female impersonator"? I read on these forums all the time about SO's not minding CDing but once "Tiffany" or whatever name was chosen comes out, it causes friction in the relationship because the Woman feels not as special. I feel like right now I am "back in time" and I could just not walk down that path curiously, because I know that if I try anything once I will be damned....

I am what I am, I never worry about what I am not. I would not reverse me. I would be out to my wife sooner.

[ellbee]

OMG, Paula!



Anyway, not really sure I can help the OP.

Above the neck? Typically you'd find me with natural long hair throughout my life. Maybe not always long for a GG, necessarily... But certainly long for a guy.

And considering I started privately wearing make-up when I was like 12 or 13? Well, let's just say it wasn't too difficult appearing as the real deal at a pretty young age, especially given the above.


No one is saying you "have" to do anything. If you don't want to buy a wig, then don't! But if you do, and can afford it, then go for it!

Or skip all that, and just try some eye-liner. It does come off, you know.


Honestly, it's not a huge deal, IMO. Seems like many here do all that -- and more.

[DIANEF]

I'll answer these in one go. Just CDing, yes, in my early days mainly through lack of privacy and resources, Pink fog, to me a natural progresssion from first experiments. Female look, again a progression, as you aquire more clothes, make up ect your look develops,the only barriers again time and privacy. Regrets? never. I am happy as I am. And lastly, I'd certainly do some things differently if I had my time over. I doubt I'd have married anyone because, knowing what I do now, it can cause numerous relationship problems (unless you were lucky enough to find a supportive SO). You say 'If I tried to pass, I will become all sorts of messed up'. A fortunate few can truly pass, I wouldn't but it wont stop me doing my thing, and lastly, get the shame thing out of your head!

[docrobbysherry]

RedTea, I started as a TS 20 years ago. After 10 years I came out on line here. Of course, with the encouragement I dived head over heels into dressing. Then, going out to meet other T's. Then, going out in public as Sherry.

Only after 3+ years here did I discover I'm not gay and maybe not even trans. I probably AM a female impersonator. Maybe not even a CD. Still haven't worked that out.

But, if you're afraid of looking in, then falling down the rabbit hole of dressing? U have good reason to be! Once u dive in, the world of T's, dressers, and impersonating females can be more addicting than heroin!

[dolovewell]

1. That was me for many years and I am sure a lot of others here as well. I was bra only for a few years, then bra & panties for a few years. Didn't go all in until I was 26 years old.

2. It's something I never really considered. I was content with bra & panties for so long.

3. I had a really bad sinus infection and was drugged up on NyQuil and Sudafed and had a very vivid dream of me going all the way. It was a very exciting dream and when I woke up I was angry because it wasn't real. It wasn't more than a couple weeks later where I went all in because the dream lingered in my thoughts. Bought the wig, clothes, makeup.

4. No. There would have been times where I would have answered "Yes", simply because of the money and time spent, and the occassional bad experience. But no way. So glad I got to take the next step and experience the feminine side of me at the fullest potential.

[Krisi]

I agree with Nicole about your definition of "just CDing". Many, perhaps most of us here who identify as crossdressers try to actually look like females with wigs. boobs, hip and butt padding as well as makeup. I think the number who just throw on a dress or blouse and skirt and parade around the house or go out in public is relatively small.

Nothing caused me to " finally give in to it and create your female look?", it was the opportunity gained from letting my wife in on my little hobby. Having boobs and wearing one of her blouses was one thing but coming out to her gave me the opportunity to do the whole thing.

I regret nothing about crossdressing. It's fun to do and hurts no one. I am mature enough to keep things in perspective and under control. I am able to be Krisi whenever I want to without wanting to take it to the point of having breast implants and a vagina.

[Gretchen_To_Be]

Hey Red

1. Yes, until last year, it was only clothes. I was the "headless crossdresser" for a long time.

2. Yes. I always feel the desire to look more feminine.

3. For me, after I retired from the military I felt a barrier was lifted. In the military you frequently have to do physical training wearing a uniform with shorts, and I was always paranoid about shaving my legs because of that. Once I retired, I really wanted to see my shaved legs in pantyhose, and finally found the courage to tell my wife about that desire. Then it escalated, of course. Shaved legs in pantyhose cry out for a pair of heels to look good, right? A girl needs more than one pair of heels, naturally, so pretty soon I had a half-dozen. Legs in hose and heels need a skirt and blouse to look proper, and after that it's not a big leap to a dress, so those items came next. Dresses, blouses and skirts look much better with foundation garments to get a decent waist and hips, I'm sure you agree. Yep, corset and padded panties were added. Bras and breast forms, along with Nubras and tape to simulate cleavage were not far behind.

A lot of enjoyment and a few thousand pictures later, and after having seen many, many gorgeous CDs on this site and others, I started to feel a strong desire to "complete" my look. My wife by this point was OK with everything, but when I told her about my wishes, she said she had no interest in helping me with makeup, and didn't want to see me full transformed. She understood my need to do so, however, so I took steps. First a transformation makeover/photoshoot, and later I hired a makeup artist who took me shopping for wigs and makeup, and taught me how to use the products. Along the way...further escalation by purchasing press-on French-tipped nails, jewelry, etc. The transformation was a bit of a let-down (I posted about it) and I didn't have the feminine "epiphany" that so many write about. The pictures turned out OK, but up close I looked horrible because of the thick theatrical makeup. But when I finally learned to do my own makeup, and applied it by myself for the first time, with a natural looking wig, I finally caught a glimpse of the woman I was always meant to be.

4. Do I regret it? No. Going full femme scared me a bit because I loved it. That was in March of this year, the last time I dressed. My wife an I have a deal where I stop dressing from Apr-Oct to have some normalcy in our relationship. Now I am in a bit of a quandary--having dressed fully, I don't think I'll ever be satisfied being the headless CD anymore--and that's a problem, because the process will take at least 2-3 hours. I don't often have that much alone time, except when I travel. So I think I have been "ruined" by seeing my full female image. Does that make sense?

5. In the months after I came out to my wife, I shared a lot with her, including my Pinterest boards and this site, but at that time I was using a pseudonym. Since then I have settled on Gretchen--who I really was meant to be--and I've shared pics of me fully dressed on both sites. She hasn't seen those, because she said she didn't want to--and doesn't know my girl name.

I do feel I am "damned" as you put it. I know I am more than a CD. I don't think I have the guts to transition, and I fear the havoc that would wreak on my family. I love my wife and know that would tear her apart, so I'm probably not going to go down that path. I think about my kids and career as well. That said, I'd love to further feminize my appearance with permanent hair removal (which I have started), losing weight...and maybe more.

I don't know if there was ever a definitive line I crossed. I've been pretty screwed up ever since I saw my mom's pantyhose in the laundry hamper when I was a kid, tried them on, and was hooked. Maybe recently the line was when I did my own makeup for the first time? I don't know. I hope you can figure things out better than I have.

Gretchen

[Alice Torn]

When i first started dressing big time at age 50, i could not imagine having high heels, or a wig, but used a towel around my head , for a wig! I did not like seeing my regular guy head , with a dress on.

[Micki_Finn]

1) All the time. If I'm not going out I don't bother with hair and make-up but I do still prefer the clothes.
2) Not really. There's still a couple things on my "to-do" list (want to get my ears pierced, kinda want some fun color in my hair, etc) but for the most part I am where I want to be at and I'm satisfied. For me it's not like drugs where it's a never ending cycle of needing more.
3) It was mostly me throwing out my fear of failure. I was always worried that no matter what I'd always look like a "dude in a dress". One day I finally just said screw it, let's see how passable I can get. Turns out I'm not a terrible looking woman.
4) Oh heck no! Best thing I ever did was embracing this part of myself. I certainly didn't forget who I am. I just feel like I'm being the best me I can be.
5) See above. I would never give up something that makes me feel so entirely whole as a person. Also, not to be the PC police, but I'm not real crazy about the term "female impersonator". If I was doing a drag show and was trying to be Liza Minelli I'd call myself a female impersonator. When I'm just trying to look feminine, I'm not "impersonating" anyone I'm just being me.

[Tracii G]

I think you need to deal with the guilt and shame first.
From your previous posts it sounds like you are homophobic but you need to know 90% of CDers are straight and Cding does not mean you are or will turn gay.
Sexual preference and CDing have nothing in common.
All the questions that bombard your mind will drive you crazy and I call them the whys and what if questions.
Most of those questions you may never find an answer for so the best thing to do is accept that you like to dress and just enjoy it.
I don't think there was a tipping point because I did the make up thing right from the beginning.

[sometimes_miss]

For me it was always what I could see, from my eyeball's point of view. As even my physique was so far from feminine, any sight of miself in a mirror ruined the feeling of being a girl. Having good legs, wearing any cute top & skirt or dress, with stockings, was enough of a visual cue for me to feel as if I were female. Add in the feel of the various female attire and how it felt different from typical male things, and it was enough. To top it off, until about 12 years ago, I had a beard. Having had it for the odd 30 years, I could no longer 'feel' it on myself. What started the 'head' sensations, were at first, just earrings. Not wanting to get pierced, I hunted far and wide for cute dangling clip ons, as many clip ons were big gaudy things (never understood why that is. Sort of like for so many decades fat ladies clothing was all neon and ridiculous looking). But I found one pair of very nice dangling 1" hoops that I still have, and the key here was the dangling hoops; they made a slight clinking sound as they moved about in the breeze or when I moved, alway reminding me that I was wearing girl style earrings. Then next step, was getting a wig. As a teen, I had really beautiful shoulder length hair. As I went through my 20's, I kept it short, trying to look as 'manly' as possible, as I abandoned my crossdressing and any TG feelings became non existant. It was after my divorce that I went back to crossdressing frequently, and, at this point in my life, no longer have the beautiful hair that I once did, so a wig was going to be my next addition. Reading so much about how 'cheap' the synthetics were made, I initially purchased one anyway, just to see. All in all, it turned out to be quite nice. Easily as smooth, silky and shiny as the long hair that young women had and I liked so much. And after wearing it, and having to 'deal with it' just like a GG does, and of course having it within my visual range, and having to adjust where it is all the time, sort of enhanced the 'girl' experience quite a bit. So now a wig became part of my daily dress up ritual. Detangling and styling while wearing it also put me into more of a female experience frame of mind, as opposed to say, putting it on a wig stand to do it.

So I am a female impersonator only to myself. And I do a pretty good job of it.

I read on these forums all the time about SO's not minding CDing but once "Tiffany" or whatever name was chosen comes out, it causes friction in the relationship because the Woman feels not as special.

I'm not sure about that; I think it might be more of a problem because once you get past the point of just clothes "once "Tiffany" comes out" it's clearly more than crossdressing, as you're more and more assuming feminine behavior which might change how she feels about YOU. So perhaps it's not that SHE no longer feels special, it's that maybe YOU are no longer that special (masculine) person and are not triggering the sexual feelings that she wants from a mate. Then you're in dangerous territory because it makes her reconsider her and your roles in the relationship; if she starts to feel that you've abandoned the male role, it's going to leave a big emotional hole in her life. Sure, to you, you haven't changed. To her, however, you're then a completely different person, no longer masculine, but feminine. Women don't usually want a feminine person for a husband.

The idea of being completely feminized is a real turn on for me, mostly due to the extreme taboo of it and being a taboo that isn't illegal or disgusting

The problem can become that SHE might find it either disgusting, or a complete sexual turn off. And if the image of you as a woman becomes something that pops into her mind whenever the passionate times start, if it kills the romance for her, you're in serious trouble. Women want to be desired by masculine men, and if not you, then they can easily justify in their minds that you've 'abandoned' that role, and then they start looking elsewhere, feeling justified in doing so because, as I've read in countless women's posts, you're no longer 'filling her emotional needs'.

[brenda girl]

One day in high school I liked the clothes my mother was wearing and tried them on, I have not stope since-

[Karine]

1- Not really, I started to crossdress at 30 by trying heels (always love them) and I quickly decided to go further.
2- Yes but for me it's normal to always go further, to progress and improve.
3- See #2, I was just not satisfied of my look.
4 & 5 - No, I really like to crossdress. It's fun, relaxing. It's true that life would have been easier (but it's mainly on me I have go to find the guts to come out to my gf or end the relationship) if I would not start crossdressing and repress it (now I can't stop) but I would have missed the chance to do something I really like and as Micki said

embrace this part of myself

[Sheila11]

You speak of crossing the line as if it is an agreed upon physical or mental place.
I guess I did not get the memo.
There was never a line to cross for me.
Just new stuff to learn and try to portray a feminine persona and look.

[ThereseW]

Hi Redtea,
I recently went back through my journals from when I was just starting to move from underdressing in panties and stockings to a more full transformation. In retrospect, it wasn't a single line I crossed, it was a progression of lines. My journal from the day I purchased my first bra, forms, a dress and a wig is precious to read now. I was filled with doubts and confusion. But then I would dress and it would feel so right. It got better when I relaxed and like Elsa "let it go". This is a journey for each of us and your journey will be uniquely yours. The only advice I want to give is to journal. Write it down. It will help you figure it out.
Hugs,
Therese

[EffyJaspers]

1. Usually never do anything to my head because I am not a full body crossdresser, but I will be there someday, and I hope some things are just incorporated into who I am so I don't have to give off a partially false vibe.
2. This pink fog does not whisper to me... I think. Some "choices" i make and then don't do in the end dealing with CDing usually involve flipping a coin and saying, "Should I wear this?". Flipping the coin is thrilling some of the times as an outfit comes together, but my ego calms me down and I go out in athletic shorts and a shirt.
3. I should say I haven't created my female look, but it is a work in progress. Broken nose (from years ago) straightened (not fem, but since it effects the way I look it is included), visiting hair removal specialist to perma-destroy any chance of a unibrow [and thus less maintenance], experimented with shaving and its good, but a lot of work, growing hair out because I want to see what I would look like with long hair [and if I don't like it then it's going back to short], and other small stuff. But I have to move out before I plunge into it.
4. Never got that far and I do regret it. I wish I didn't chicken out so many times in growing my hair out so I knew already how it was... plus growing hair out has so many awkward stages. But I'll be there someday.
5. If I could go back I would drop some knowledge that dressing in the same clothes styles or clothes as my sisters is my choice and I shouldn't hide it. That it probably would be hard, but if I started now I would be in more touch with my friends and not hide a important part of my identity. How much easier is it to accept a child for crossdressing since they were young compared to your adult son all of a sudden wearing female clothing and makeup.

I probably would have been bullied by a few kids in the school, like Jacob, but the ones I think would have been bad I wouldn't have seen after 8th grade and although high school would be a different flavor of possible torture.... since I went to both a christian grade and high school, I believe the teachers would have defended me or I would have the audacity to call them out on it. Most the kids I remember were alright and it was a 400 kid school so even with being a CD it would have probably been fine. But I'll never know.

[Kate Simmons]

If there was a "line" I crossed I must have missed it. I wasn't looking for one in any case. I just go out en femme because I enjoy doing it without any real thought to any barriers.

[Krisi]

When one buys a wig, one must admit they are more than just a "cross dresser." One is now venturing into "being seen as a woman." .

I don't see it that way. I think the wig is part of crossdressing for most of us. It's no different than breast forms or padded hips. "Crossdressing" covers a wide range of activities including being seen (even if only by yourself) as a woman.

I get no thrill by looking in the mirror and seeing Homer wearing boobs and a dress. Put the wig on and it's Krisi looking back.