Came out to my counselor

[susancheerleader]

So. I have been seeing a substance abuse counselor for about a year. It's for alcohol abuse just so you know. Anyway, I have grown to trust him with many topics, and today I told him about my cross dressing. The first thing he asked is about my sexuality and I asked why do you mean? He asked if I was gay. I strongly told him no. He went on about how I am growing and bettering myself since I stopped drinking. He then went on to say that he doesn't have concerns about my dressing, but that it is now a barrier to me achieving a better life. He said that we need to explore this more and find a way to "dress normal" fir a man.
At first I felt okay that he at least said he wasn't worried about my dressing.
But as I thought about it though the day, I can't help but feel that he thinks differently just by some of his comments. Specifically he said we might work on finding a way for me to get rid of the clothes and "dress in normal guy clothes."
Dressing isn't hindering me. If it dies anything it helps me.
I kind of have concerns that he could tell me to stop.

[Micki_Finn]

Sounds like you might need a new counselor. Or someone who is better equipped to help you. From what you say it sounds like he views Crossdressing as something to be cured.

[Allisa]

First congrats on seeking help for your addiction, I know of what your going through I'm a recovering alcoholic for about 15 yrs. now. I would thank him for his help with the addiction but if it has nothing to do with your CDing(only you know the answer)than kindly keep his thoughts and opinions to himself until he gets educated on the subject. Depending on how far along your progress is I'd look for another professional for help and support. Sounds like he's abusing his power over you to reach his agenda not yours. My response of course is my opinion, I am not a trained professional in this area just a sober mind on the outside looking in. Best of luck to you and be strong.

[AllieSF]

I will echo Micki, I think he has a negative view of this life of ours and as a professional, he should have kept his mouth shut until he understood more about it and you and maybe if there is a connection between drinking addiction and your other side. Next time ask him to clarify his comments to your satisfaction and not his, i.e. make him answer all your questions before you continue. That gives both of you the opportunity to better understand. Good luck.

[susancheerleader]

Thanks. I agree he is probably not open minded to cross dressing. I told him about it, he asked his questions an I answered as honest as I can. It wasn't until afterwards that I recalled the conversation and only realized then how uncomfortable I am with his remarks. I have some questions I want to ask him next time I see him.
If I am not convinced of his understanding then I will keep seeing him. But not talk any further about dressing. As a substance abuse counselor, he is very good. As far gender identity or what ever cross dressing falls under. I think he needs educating. He is old school. 75 years old

[DIANEF]

I think I'd change my counsellor. Personally my CDing has always given me a sense of inner calmness and peace, in fact because of it I eat a much healthier diet than I used to and look after my general health better. I'd feel far worse off without it than with it. Alchoholism is an illness, cross dressing isn't.

[susancheerleader]

Diane

I couldn't agree more!

[Amanda Park]

If you like the help you're getting on your substance abuse issue then I think you ought to say with him for that help. Good luck by the way, I hope it all goes well for you.

On the other hand, if you feel like you want to talk to someone about your cd lifestyle, this is clearly not the guy you want to turn to. His comments suggest he wants to fix you and there is really nothing that needs to be fixed.

[susancheerleader]

As a counselor for the substance abuse, I think he is great.
But as someone to talk openly about CDing. Not so much. He isn't qualified in that area, nor does he have an open mind about it. He has already made it. Lear how he feels about it. And if the subject comes up again (it won't be by me) I'll just tell him I am not talking to him about it anymore. If he asks why, I'll be honest and tell him I am not comfortable talking to him because he made his view clear. How he feels about dressing.

[Kate's at home]

Hi Susan. I would strongly encourage you to make a change, based on what you have reported. You are now on multiple journeys of change and growth. You need recovery supports that "get it" on all fronts, and better still if at least some understand how they come together.

Have you checked o AA online, with all the different types of support there?

Best wishes,

Kate

[Violetgray]

The is the professional equivalent of your podiatrist telling you "That tooth is going to have to come out." That's not his area of expertise, so..

[CarlaWestin]

Alcoholism is an illness, cross dressing isn't.

A therapist I was seeing long, long ago told me that crossdressing was unnecessary baggage to carry through life.
I let him know right then and there that his services were no longer required.
I've enjoyed a highly enhanced life as a full rounded, self assured individual with the added benefit of this fabulous proclivity.

[susancheerleader]

Thank you everyone for your comments.
I agree that he isn't suitable to talk about my dressing. I do like him for his substance counseling, so I think I'll keep going solely for that. If he wants to talk more about my dressing, I'll shoot him down.
See how this works out before I change counselors. But definitely if it appears his close minded view is real hindering, I will move on.
He already answered the reason I told him. Is there a relationship to my drinking and dressing. He said no. So my question answered, end of matter for me.

[Krisi]

You are seeing a counselor for alcohol abuse. You shouldn't have mentioned crossdressing.

We have to examine why we seek (and pay for) counseling. Substance abuse is obvious but crossdressing is a bit different. Are we looking for someone to help us quit or are we looking for someone to tell us crossdressing is OK?

Some psychiatrists, therapists, counselors, etc. view crossdressing as a mental illness. Some do not. If you want to be "cured", you chose a professional who treats your dressing as a mental illness. If you are looking for affirmation that your dressing is OK, you choose a professional who does not view crossdressing as a mental illness.

What we see here is several people advising you to "shop" for a counselor who will tell you what you want to hear. I'm not sure I see the point in that.

As for the drinking thing, I drank most of my adult life. A few years ago I developed pancreatitis and was severely ill. The doctors determined that this was caused by excessive alcohol use, labeled me an alcoholic, told me I had to quit drinking and that I needed to join AA and go to meetings.

Instead, I gave away all my alcohol, never bought any more and never drank again. I didn't need outside help and I doubt you do either if you just make the decision not to put alcohol in your body. It's not always easy but it's you who pours a drink and puts it to your lips. Just tell yourself not to do it.

[Mayo]

It's possible that he views your CDing as a co-morbidity - something you're also having challenges with, perhaps related to the alcohol issues. I'd just suggest saying to him that you're happy with that part of you and that it's not a problem, at which point he should drop it. Otherwise I agree with what you said in your last post.

[Julogden]

Definitely time for a new counselor. Most of them don't know their butt from a hope in the ground about gender stuff, including CD'ing. Sounds like yours is in that category and even worse, he thinks CD'ing is something to be "cured".

[Sarasometimes]

Violetgrey, put it very well. He is a substance abuse counselor, not a gender therapist! You can search prior posts of mine about my hunt for qualified gender therapist among therapists trained in helping people with a host of issues. Your approach, that if his views become obstacles to your sobriety you will then seek out another Substance counselor are sound. Congratulations and good luck with your continuing sobriety.
The dead giveaway that he is obver his head in gender counseling was his first question having to do with sexual preference. Anyone trained in gender knows they are unrelated!

[NicoleScott]

That's not his area of expertise, so..

.....so, why did you bring it up? Were you hoping for a two-fer, maybe the substance abuse expert csn help you with your crossdressing issues?

[Alice Torn]

Maybe tell him you are there only for alcohol concerns, nothing else.

[AlyssaJ]

I will just say this, there are a great many counselors, therapists, and psychologist out there who are terrific with handling addictions, and in particular substance abuse. On the other hand, there are far fewer who are qualified and capable of dealing with gender, LGBT or other "non-traditional lifestyles". Unfortunately, I fear now that you've brought this to his attention, it's something he's going to push to continue to revisit. Even if you start seeing someone else for that purpose. In the long run you may be better off searching for someone who specializes in gender and LGBT issues that also handles addictions and substance abuse. While I'm not a mental health professional in any way, it just seems to me you'd be better off with one person who can work with you holistically rather than two separate people trying to help you with certain aspects separately.

[susancheerleader]

Thanks. I appreciate all your thoughts and input. Definitely he is out if his league with gender identity. I am just not going to slow him to talk with me about it. That topic is off limits with him. I'll see how it goes and go from there

[AllieSF]

I see nothing wrong with bringing up the crossdressing with the therapist. They need to know all about us so that they can maybe see some other reason for out malady, whatever that may be. Maybe one started drinking among other things in an effort to try and deal with the gender dysphoria, issues, brought on by doing something that is not socially acceptable. We may be blind to the many influences in our life that may cause us to do something that requires a therapist's help.

Now, if my podiatrist noticed something in my mouth that he or she just happens to have some side knowledge about, I would have no problem getting a recommendation to go see my dentist. Since I would only have a dentist remove a tooth, whether my therapist said pull it or see your dentist would mean the same to me.

Krisi, I agree that some can stop cold turkey some habitual activities like smoking or drinking. However, those people are generally not in the majority. Many of us need that extra help that a qualified third party can give. I also agree with you that your therapist/counselor should tell you their professional opinion, not what we want to here. However, if they start spouting nonsense then a second or third opinion may be in order.

[adrienner99]

Just because he's a counselor does not mean he knows anything about our issues. His questions and comments prove it. What he sees is an opportunity to keep you longers as a customer.

[susancheerleader]

You all make very good points.
Thank you!

[SharonDenise]

I like Krisi's answer about his medical problem stemming from alcohol and his resolution to give it up for health reasons. Kudos to you. However, I came out to my social worker who was in charge of our bereavement support group on a confidential basis. It was a catharsis for me and she never had a negative comment about it. I am more comfortable with myself because of her reactions to it.