Wish me luck

[BayBeeBlue]

In about 2 hours I'm going to make a phone call that may or may not help me.
I'm finally going to seek counselling of some sort......I think I need it to save my marriage and my sanity.
I haven't told my wife that I'm calling but hopefully after the call I will be able to approach her and discuss/debate our future for better....not worse(hopefully).
Any tips would be greatly appreciated.
I tried calling a support group yesterday but while the person on the other end was very friendly and helpful it turned out that he/she (I wasn't sure if the person was male or female) wasn't part of the support/counselling team. He/she listened to me ramble on, for which I apologised, and gave me a number to call - Lgbt support group.
So hopefully I will be a little bit wiser later.... And maybe even a little happier.... Who knows...fingers crossed!

[bridget thronton]

I hope you find the right person to provide the help you are seeking

[BayBeeBlue]

Thanks a million Bridget.

[Pat]

Good luck. I know these moments can seem pretty lonely. I hope you find a good counsellor and a path toward happiness for you and your wife.

[Teresa]

Blue,
I can't see it will do you any harm it will be good to talk to others members of the TG community, even if they can't fully help you I'm sure they will direct you in the right direction.

[Giselle(Oshawa)]

good luck Blue i know what you are going through and am glad you have the courage to seek help(which i don't)

[Lori Kurtz]

You're doing a good thing. Best of luck to you.

[Dana44]

Best of luck Blue.

[Tina_gm]

I checked back at your crisis thread to get an idea of where you are coming from with this- Are there any changes since that thread? Does your wife have any more idea of what is going on with you? have you confided more to her since then?

Being that I have seen a gender counselor, as well as a general counselor, I can give you what advice I have from the experiences I have had, along with what I have read from others who have sought counseling. A good qualified gender counselor at this point will be able to validate your feelings of frustration of not being able to dress and express your femininity. There are some though that do have an agenda to push people through toward transition. Most these days I think are decent and are looking to help you live a better life regardless of what that life is.

If it is a general counselor, I hope you have found one that has at least some experience and knowledge when it comes to gender variance. Not all do. Some may even have an anti trans agenda, so they will be looking at ways in which you stop the dressing or other feminine expression. Is that what you are looking for???

From what I have read on your crisis thread, If things have not changed much, I can already see a few red flags. Unless you have long term goals of living 24/7, HRT or full transition, I do not think your wife will be completely averse to your dressing. She already has dealt with what she thinks/thought was a tights fetish, and that you have shaved your body. I don't think she will be shocked that you dress. I do think though that your lack of honesty about it will be a really big issue.

I have learned a ton since being on here. One really REALLY big issue our partners have with our dressing is how it becomes a very selfish type behavior. You demonstrated this all too typically. When you two were not speaking, you did come clean about you thinking about wearing tights. I am willing to bet that she was thinking about a whole lot more than you wearing tights or shaving your body. She was thinking kids, bills, how to get the marriage back on track. She even more or less blue printed things for you as to what she wants and needs. She thanked you for your honesty, so she is definitely looking for that. But she also talked about her wanting you to pay more attention to her. To try harder. You talk about how you guys don't always have a lot of time for each other. Life is getting in the way... Well, how about trying harder to find time to have more time for her. To make sure you guys are connecting, sleeping together. cuddling on the couch, in bed..... intimacy..........

Yes, counseling will be of help, so long as you find on who has your best interests in mind and is not an anti trans type. Your marriage will fair better when you put more of your focus on it, rather than your desires to dress. I am not saying not to. I am not saying you should purge or hide it, decrease it. It is all about what you need to increase, and that is the effort you are putting into your marriage.

Give your wife all the reasons why she married you in the 1st place and then some. CDing can often be the straw that breaks it when things aren't going well.

One last bit of advice, when complementing her, DO NOT make it about how great she is for accepting your dressing/tights etc etc. Any wife can not care about that, or accept it.... complement her on all of the reasons why you love her and married her.

[Stephanie47]

There is a lot of sound advice in gendermutt's post. I went back and reread your other threads. It was kind of like pulling teeth to figure out enough background to make any comment. If you have kids ranging from six to seventeen, you must be approaching close to twenty years together. During that time a person will develop routines and habits that generate some normalcy. There may be a slow progress or change, but, small changes tend to blend in with customary or usual behavior. When a person starts doing things that are outside of character, it is going to be noticed.

Shaving off your body hair? Wearing tights? Wearing stockings? I would think your wife's mind is racing like crazy trying to figure out this change of behavior. If a person does not know what the real issue may be, then she is just stabbing in the dark. Ultimately, your going to have to choose the time to come clean and tell her you enjoy wearing women's clothing and emulating a woman. In my mind there is a world of difference between a fetish of wearing tights or hosiery or panties, and, fully dressing in women's attire with wig and makeup. A woman may be willing to play to a small fetish, especially if there are benefits to her. But, having a "sister" rather than a husband tends to be a hard sell.

Thirty plus years ago my wife and I had the "talk." I was truthful to her. She was upset for some time, and, our marriage did become "Don't Ask, Don't Tell." Obviously, DADT does not mean she forgot everything. The Genie does not go back into the bottle. But, at least in my situation, the bottle is empty. The contents are on the table for her to see.

When it comes the time to lay the cards on the table, tell her the truth. I told my wife that I really do not know why I like to wear women's clothing. I wish I knew. The why is not the same as what I feel. Yes, wearing women's clothing has been a stress reliever. Why not use illicit drugs? Why not drink to excess? Why not stray outside my marriage vows? I found wearing women's clothing to be a lot less destructive behavior, but, that is still a hard sell to a woman. My wife and I have always had a positive history together which did help weather the storms, and, not just cross dressing induced storms.

If you have consider suicide over cross dressing, you do need a counselor to get your..yourself... back on track before you deal with the marital issues. If you're going to select a counselor, make sure you check his or her credentials. Interview him or her. Find out his or her area of expertise. If you go to a counselor who is going to cast your cross dressing in negativity, get up and leave. His or her goal should be to assist you in self acceptance, and, dealing with the relationship with your wife.

[BayBeeBlue]

WOW!
Firstly I want to thank ALL of you for your time and consideration in your replies. It IS really appreciated.
I spent an hour talking to a gay female counsellor....I broke down a few times....I spilled ALL of my beans to her. There is a lot more to my story than just my last posts which is probably better left for another day or post.
She was very non-judgemental and extremely helpful. She gave me a number to call to arrange a proper session with someone she had dealt with in the past. She herself had a lot on her plate too in the past.
A lot has happened since my other posts.
I can't really talk much more at the minute but I will get back within the next day or two.
Being on her has seriously helped.
I wouldn't have made the initial call if it weren't for all of you.
So another big THANKS to all of you.
Talk soon.

[CynthiaD]

Good luck. I hope everything works out for the best.

[Lana Mae]

Good luck and best wishes going forward!! Hugs Lana Mae

[JamieG]

Sounds like you are going through a rough time. Best wishes and I hope the counselor can help you figure things out.

[Bianca73]

Good luck blue hope all goes well x

[BayBeeBlue]

Hi all.
Well just to let you know counselling is going well .. I'd actually recommend it.
I've opened up big time with my wife and also myself.
She has accepted my situation thankfully and is actually very supportive. I know now why I married her....she's my best friend.
She doesn't want to label me under 'crossdresser' or anything...saying that "you are you & you can't be labeled".
She has also said "do what you have to do".
So, in all, it's the best thing I've done.
The counselling is touching on lots of issues - not just crossdressing - everything from childhood - father issues - work - relationships, etc.
Very beneficial.
Thanks to everyone here for the amazing help & advice - I REALLY DO APPRECIATE IT!! 😘

[Katie01]

Good for you! I've found counseling tremendously helpful at different times in my life. My only advice would be to tell them everything and be honest. Otherwise they can't help. It sounds like you've discovered this on your own. Good luck on your journey Blue.

Hugs,
Katie

[Teresa]

BayBeeBlue,
The important thing is you are talking about it face to face with people which is a big difference to talking to members here on the forum. It's so good your wife is there with you, don't take too much notice of her not accepting any labels yet she has a great deal to take in and think about , let her do it at her pace.

Obviously there will come a point when your counselling will pose you questions which only you can answer but at the moment you are shedding the layers trying to find yourself and I wish you all the best in doing that.

[BayBeeBlue]

Thanks Teresa.
The counsellor did say that she would be challenging me so will see what happens.

[Teresa]

BayBeeBlue,
Don't be afraid to have some fun with your counsellor if it helps. I had my sessions cut short through funding cuts in the NHS , I knew the last session was going to be tough so I walked into her office carrying a pair of heels, she told to put them and have a walk round then asked if she could try them. Also she did encourage me to try and get out and when I said I didn't have much to wear she sent me some very nice items which she said didn't fit anymore. I'm afraid some thought she was being unprofessional but it was her way of helping me and it worked. I have worn several of her dresses to my social meetings in fact the dress on my profile page was the first time out for me and it was a dinner dance , it did feel very special that she gave me the final push to do that.

[BayBeeBlue]

"fun with the counsellor"...?
Hmmm!?!?
Not 100% sure what you mean?
I had thought of asking her could I dress but might be weird as I also have thought that this is now just for me ... And a little for my wife. Dunno!?

[Teresa]

BayBeeBlue,
She thought it was funny when I appeared with the heels but she didn't have a problem with me attending dressed, I wasn't out enough to do that then but it made very little difference to what we discussed.

[BayBeeBlue]

Hey Teresa,
I mentioned you and your idea to my counselor.....guess what?.....
She said that it wouldn't be a problem for me to arrive fully dressed. I was relieved to hear it but I won't be taking her up on her offer although I would love to. I'm not there yet. The counselling is going well.