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Thread: I told my GF

  1. #1
    Dreamer Jessicaa's Avatar
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    Thumbs down I told my GF

    I am back, A couple months ago I came here asking for advice on telling my girlfriend. I told her. She directly said "Its me or the cross dressing" even after I told her she didnt need to have any part of it. I know it must have been extremely hard for her to hear and her reaction is somewhat understandable but I dont know how I feel about it. I have told her and she knew how much I trust her and how much I love her, I am kind of surprised how she could easily just up and leave over this. Im baffled to say this least and extremely hurt.

    Ultimately I told her I would try and stop but after years of dressing and purging I dont know if I can. What should I do? What would you do? I love her and want to be with her but cross dressing is also a part of my life. This is such a horrible situation to be in.

  2. #2
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    I think the answer is simple. You will not and can not "quit." It's unrealistic to think you can ignore this part of
    you. Your only answer can be," I love you but this is part of me."

  3. #3
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    I agree with Jennifer, Ether she loves you, all of you, or she does not.
    If you think you will be able to quit, think again, Dressing is part of you,
    It does not go away like having a cold.
    If you give it up, (dressing) and stay with her, later on when you try to
    return to dressing, there will be some anger issues for sure. I am sure you
    do not want to go through life being miserable. Life is to short for you to
    be like that for the rest of your life.
    Maybe it was a good thing you found out now; at least you can start looking
    for someone else.
    It took me 15 years to find the rite girl, and she was OK with my dressing.
    Life is so much happier when your SO is OK with your Dressing.
    Rader

  4. #4
    A California Girl Rachel Morley's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jessicaa View Post
    I am kind of surprised how she could easily just up and leave over this.
    That's what I was thinking. If she truly loves you as you say you do her, then why wouldn't she at least want to "learn more about what makes her partner tick". But to be fair, I think that most women's initial reactions are based upon their upbringing, sense of values, religious beliefs, attitude and tolerance to others etc etc. It could be that is is ok with CDing (if it's not in her back yard) but emotionally she might not be ready to have this in her life (yet). Talk more with her and be patient, maybe things will improve over time. Here's a couple of links to older threads that might help.

    How to tell your partner
    Accepting GGs, what makes us different?
    .
    The River City Gems - Northern California's largest and most active crossdressing & transgender support group!

  5. #5
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    You're surprised? Really? You've at best been keeping a huge secret from her and at worst lying outright. Most women don't want a man in a dress. Some do.

    Then again she is just a girlfriend and not a spouse.

  6. #6
    Silver Member Micki_Finn's Avatar
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    It sounds like a tough situation. I'm not about to say that she's wrong because her feelings are her feelings. I do however find it concerning that she flat out gave you the ultimatum right off the bat. Not sure how much discussion took place before she came to that but from the tone of your post it doesn't sound like much. You might be more invested in this relationship than she is. You need to find your own happiness. If that's going to be your GF or if that's going to be your dressing, you're the only one who can tell. I know that there may be a tendency to try to hold onto your "safe" relationship because "who would want to date a crossdresser?" Right? But let me tell you that the world is a very different place than it was 20 years ago. If you look through these forums you'll see A ton of stories of accepting and supportive (or at least DADT ok) SOs. So don't feel like she's your only chance for a relationship. Here's to hoping you both find your Way.

  7. #7
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    Time for both of you to evaluate what this relationship means to each of you.
    And CDing? Harmless compared to things that some others are into.
    And at least you had the honesty to admit this side of you. Even though it took time.

  8. #8
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    Hi Jessica, Her leaving is probably for the best as neither one of you will change......
    Having my ears triple pierced is AWESOME, ~~......

    I can explain it to you, But I can't comprehend it for you !

    If at first you don't succeed, Then Skydiving isn't for you.

    Be careful what you wish for, Once you ring a bell , you just can't Un-Ring it !! !!

  9. #9
    Stand-up Comedian En Fem❤ Alice_2014_B's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jenniferathome View Post
    I think the answer is simple. You will not and can not "quit." It's unrealistic to think you can ignore this part of
    you. Your only answer can be," I love you but this is part of me."
    Exactly it!
    Not something one can just up and quit by choice.
    Melissa: "... and why are you dressed as a woman?"
    Coach McGuirk: "Because it's freeing."

    -Home Movies
    (cartoon series)

    Shoe size: 9 US women's.
    Dress size: M to L; 8-10.
    Height: 5' 6".

  10. #10
    Southern Girl dolovewell's Avatar
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    This is going to be an unpopular opinion but I honestly believe that you can not expect a woman who is your girlfriend or wife to be supportive. There are some CDs and transwomen who have accepting and supportive wives/girlfriends but this is not the norm and therefore should not be expected. They are outliers and those who have supportive wives/girlfriends should consider themselves lucky.

    I do not blame women at all for not being accepting of their SOs crossdressing or being transgender. They are not bigots for not being accepting. They have every right to have preferences. The fact of the matter is that for the most part, women are attracted to masculinity and strength, and men are attracted to femininity and beauty. This is basic biology and its been this way since the caveman days. Women were attracted to the strongest men so they could carry their genes and ensure the most likely survival for their offspring. Women were not attracted to weaker men because they didn't want their seed, as they would be less likely to successfully protect the home. Crossdressing is the opposite of masculinity, so the average woman is going to be turned off by it because they are biologically programmed to do so after generations and generations of evolution. I am not trying to say crossdressing equals weakness, I am just saying that is how the average woman will view it.

    If I had a girlfriend or wife and she began to be masculine, like cut her hair ultra short and lift weights to build muscle and wear male clothes and act like a man, I sure as hell would be offput and turned off by it. I wouldn't be OK with it. Because it is my right to have preferences. I am attracted to femininity, so I would put my foot down. I shouldn't be forced or guilt shamed into accepting it. So why should we expect anything different when it comes to wives/girlfriends?

    With that being said, even though the odds are against you, you should never keep it a secret from any woman you plan on getting serious with. Do not use likely rejection as a reason to keep it a secret. Something this big needs to be out in the open. It's wrong to keep it a secret. Be open and let the chips fall where they may. I myself am never getting married, so its not something I have to worry about. Crossdressing isn't the reason I plan on not getting married, but I know crossdressing is a part of me that won't go away so even if I were to change my mind, I'd be open about it from the very beginning.
    Last edited by dolovewell; 09-25-2016 at 04:12 PM.

  11. #11
    Gold Member Lana Mae's Avatar
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    My situation was similar to yours. I had no idea that I was a crossdresser but knew I wore panties sometimes. I told I was interested in wearing women's clothes and she told me there was only room for one woman in our relationship. I held back and only wore panties 3 times in our 34+ year marriage. When the pink fog hit, it was like a tornado! You on the other hand already know what is going on and seem to be further along than I was. As the others say it does not go away and comes back really hard!! There seems to be many more ladies out there who are accepting than in years gone by. Best wishes going forward. Hugs Lana Mae
    Life is worth living!
    "Foxy lady! You look so good!!" Jimi Hendrix

  12. #12
    Transgender Person Pat's Avatar
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    Suppose she said, "honey I love 90 percent of you, but if you want to be with me, that left arm has to go" would you feel better about just walking away? It's very much the same thing, really. As old folks always say to young folks, there's someone out there for you; you'll know when she comes along. Be honest; be open; make it clear that part of the reason you're the person they're attracted to is this aspect of your personality.
    I am not a woman; I don't want to be a woman; I don't want to be mistaken for a woman.
    I am not a man; I don't want to be a man; I don't want to be mistaken for a man.
    I am a transgender person. And I'm still figuring out what that means.

  13. #13
    Ice queen Lorileah's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Laurana View Post

    Then again she is just a girlfriend and not a spouse.
    Now that's sympathy for you. So life would suck worse if they were married?

    I agree with the trust issue. I agree that the SO has learned things they need to work through. I also say that love doesn't see the shell, it sees the heart. But that is something one has to learn because we, as a society, have been taught to base our "love" on the physical. I do think telling her was the right move as it exposed things that are better in the open (on both sides of the fence) rather than painting over them for years and having the base rot away under a veneer. I hope things work out
    The earth is the mother of all people and all people should have equal rights upon it.
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    “Love isn't a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like struggle. To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now.” - Fred Rogers,

  14. #14
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    Jesicaa,
    It is a difficult question but at the end of the day you don't have a choice, you have told her to be fair before the relationship goes any further, she has given you the truth in return, your Cding is hardwired, no matter how much you tell you you will stop, the urge will always be there and she's going to expect it to happen at some point. I'm afraid there's no going back now she will always have her doubts and mistrust, I'm afraid you're cheating on both of you if you continue in the relationship.

    Dolovewell,
    I don't entirely agree with you some women are very accepting and actually enjoy it , I know from experience when I had two GFs who were OK with it, also when I meet the partners of the members of my social group most are very comfortable with it and enjoy having a partner they can share feminine things with. Not all women want the macho hunk, it either frightens some of them or they like having a dominant role . Not to get married or have a partner at all because of CDing isn't necessary you can find and enjoy a loving relationship alongside the dressing needs.

  15. #15
    Silver Member Amy Lynn3's Avatar
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    This may sound harsh, but tell her if she does not think anymore of you than that, for her to hit the road. Put the ball in her court and make her do the changing, because you already know you can't. Make her feel as if you can live without her and not mourn the loss. Hard for you to do, I know, but better than going the rest of your life in misery, with the hiding and guilt. The best to you,

  16. #16
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    I went back and read some of your posts. If my calculations are correct you're 22 years old. I suspect you're still trying to find you way in life. One of the pitfalls of telling a woman that you enjoy wearing women's clothing is rejection. You're hardwired for some reason to express yourself in that manner. She is hardwired to reject it. Maybe her rejection is due to societal expectations. Maybe it is because she has misconceptions. You really have not established a relationship in which she really has gotten to know you. Good qualities against negativity. Are the scales balanced?

    What would I do? Frankly at age 22 I would not commit myself to any woman on a false premise that I would give up wearing women's clothing. It's easy for me to say that now since I'm almost 70. In life there are deal breakers, and, for most women it is a deal breaker. I would ask her "why" so I could gain some insight into the rejection. It may be you do not meet the "Prince Charming" vision many young women have of their boyfriends and spouses. Just look at the entire wedding industry.....the bridal dress, the honeymoon, the attendants, blah, blah blah.

  17. #17
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    I was lucky in that my GF now wife was fine with my underdressing years ago, and my recent step twords full blown cross dressing was met with a raised eyebrow but nothing bad. Of she had rejected me years ago I think I would have had to move on, or maybe I would have tried to stick it out but right now I can just imagine the conversation having been married almost 9 years and trying to convince her that I want to wear pretty things to after the initial rejection.

  18. #18
    I am me! TrishaTX's Avatar
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    I can understand many of these posts, My wife was not happy either after finding out. What I would say if the reaction was quick well that tells you everything. If you love someone you take some time, think through the issue and works towards a solution. There is nothing (including my wife eating masculine) that would make me leave on the spot. Folks I have been married 2x, and this one is 18 years, if you love someone you do everything you can to make it work! everything...marriage and relationships are a long commitment , there will be plenty of issues along the way...but talking , understanding and compromise will get you a long and happy marriage . This sounds like a snap decision not a good sign...
    No regrets except I should have got dressed & stepped out sooner.

  19. #19
    Member shellybme's Avatar
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    You have to let her go. As others have said here cross dressing does not go away. It is a part of you as you are a part of it. I myself tried to hide it for years telling myself that I am not a cross dresser. However, I am and so are YOU. Love yourself and accept yourself and you will find someone who does too. Also, it is completely reasonable for her not to accept it. The first time my wife saw me dolled up, if looks could kill I would have been dead twice.

  20. #20
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lorileah View Post
    Now that's sympathy for you. So life would suck worse if they were married?
    Yes it would. If she wanted out and they were married things could get really ugly. At least with her just being a girlfriend they don't need to get lawyers involved.

  21. #21
    New Member Dianna_ericka's Avatar
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    I know that this will sound extreme, but we are in new times, a crossdresser needs a modern woman with fresh thinking, and mainly with something beyond tolerance, we do not need their permission, we need to share our rights with some lovely and enthusiastic person that is not paying a price but enjoing a sensitive person.
    Please do not worry, I passed for similar situations and thanks good I told on time and realize that was worth it because my wife is sharing with enthusiasm and joy this part of me; she is beyond tolerance or "acceptance", she is not paying a price but sharing and enjoying with love.
    Be patient and pay attention to small signs that will lead you to recognize when and who to try again. Maybe a suggestion is to shave your body and pierce your ears to give some signs to potential new partners that you are special, but my biggest tip is to always say the truth before marriage.
    Good look

  22. #22
    The 100th sheep GaleWarning's Avatar
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    It is taken me two and a half years with my present SO, to move from a total rejection of the secret I had trusted her enough to share, to something approaching total acceptance. It has been a very slow process, full of ups and downs, and involved many threats to walk away, all of which I ignored.

    I did my best to show her that I was still the same person, regardless of what I might be wearing. I went out of my way to treat her with extra care and kindness. Whenever she needed me, I was there for her. I assured her of my love for her.

    I now dress freely with her at home. I change into drab whenever appropriate. Last night, she offered me a nighty to wear, with a naughty look in her eyes ...

    We love each other.

    So, to the OP, take it slow. If you truly love her, assure her of this and persevere. I wish both of you well.

  23. #23
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    There is always a work around you both may not like it at times but if the love is there you will both succeed, but to say its me or the dressing without thought then i have to question her love for you?

    Julie

  24. #24
    Member Ashley090's Avatar
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    That is sad to hear. I think her reaction is kind of sudden move when try to cope with whole situation, thinking of you as some kind weirdo (which you are not of course). Your move depends on if you realy love her that much or if you wanna rather cd. Hard decision I know. I just suggest to not try her to convice her about whole cd thing since some GGs realy dont understand and may get angry or something

  25. #25
    Member Mark/Rebecca's Avatar
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    Maybe she doesnt really understand what crossdressing is. It took many years before I truly understood that it is what you are more than what you do. My wife gave me the ultimatum 30 years ago and I have to say it has affected us our entire marriage. I just felt like I always had to guard my whole self from her. She may be wonderful and give you a great life, but you may want to see this through before a ring goes on her finger. Perhaps helping her become more educated about it through a professional would help see how fruitless an ultimatum is and how it will push you into a situation where you cannot be honest with her unconditionally.
    If I had my cd.com sisters to talk to back then I probably would have handled it differently.

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