Hi girls,
So for the past couple of years, I thought that I finally came with terms about who I am, and what my needs are. I was happy with that, everything finally started to make sense, but now I feel like things are changing again, and I don't know where it leads me and it makes me nervous and anxious. After being happy giving advice here to others, I now need one for myself.
Basically, I break it down to myself into two - gender identity and sexual orientation. The sexual orientation is easy for me - it is rock solid consistent with that of cis-male. Where I see things get murky for myself is with gender identity. I think of myself as male first, and am OK with that. No negative feelings about it whatsoever. It is just the I feel that female part of me started to demand more and more of me, for no apparent reason. I started to look at women differently. Where in the past, I will just look at them through the eyes of a typical guy, now I pay attention on how the dresses, what their haircut looks like, how they walk, how they talks, etc, as if subconsciously I am trying to learn it so to be able to emulate as best as I can. Ideas of HRT came to my mind, don't know why. I read about it, and pushed it away. Somehow I feel like my inner girl pushes me to come out, and be more female, live as a female...but consciously, I don't want it at this point of my life because of career, family obligation, etc (my wife won't be OK with this ).
Just as a background - I came out to my wife many years ago. I get dressed at home in the evenings. Used to be occasionally, now almost daily (just clothes). My two younger daughters know about my dressing. They are under 8 and that doesn't bother them. I am out to my in-laws and my brother. I don't go out dressed, except late in the evenings to walk out the dog. Everything seemed to be in place. I was happy being a guy in a dress when he wants it, and now as I said, it feels as if the earth is moving from under my feet. I don't know what to make about of it and what to do...but it scares me somewhat because I don't feel that I am ready for anything more yet.