How do you avoid the obsession?

[AlyssaJ]

I guess this is primarily a question for those of you with accepting SOs (i.e. those who are out and not in a DADT situation). How do you avoid becoming so obsessed with your dressing that you lose focus on your wife? Call it pink fog or whatever. There are numerous stories to be found on various support sites where wives of crossdressers talk about how their husbands became so self-absorbed and obsessed with their dressing that they stopped paying attention to their wives.

So what are some tactics you've employed to make sure you always show your wife appreciation for being her beautiful self? How do you keep the "other woman in your marriage" (a paraphrased quote from many of those same stories) from taking over or making your wife feel like she's taking a back seat?

[Rachel32533]

Very good question! I make sure I focus oh her, not just me. I don't let Rachel come between us and I always remember her needs as well.

[2B Natasha]

I wish I had a great answer for you. But I don't. I am not a obsessive person in general so I think that is the biggest reason. I also always keep my wife in mind. My Montra is to never embarrasses here and never do anything that would effect her job status. Otherwise. I just do my thing. I have found over the years that once you make it part of you and not something to be embarrassed by. The keeping under control is easy.

Cheers

[Teresa]

Lisa,
I'm not sure the answer is dictated by having accepting partners or whether they're in DADT situation or not, it's more to do with age and your commitments. if you marry young and have kids with maybe a mortgage then pink fog is on a distant horizon, and that maybe extends through much of your married life. Even without CDing issues finding time for each other often takes a back seat, so still finding time to fully dress doesn't happen very often.
I've made this point before but many appear to come out in their forties, it's often the first time the CDing issue really come to the fore, that's often when the fog descends depending how accepting your partner is. If your partner is on board then it can become an enjoyable thing to share that's when the obsession can take over and your partner feels she taking a back seat. Exploring your inner feelings can become all absorbing but the problem is feelings of being TS may also start to emerge, so it's a further worry for the wife, and the fears become worst if you enter counselling . So many what ifs ! come to the surface .

Maybe it's not so much avoiding the obsession but more of truly finding yourself, and that process can be totally absorbing ! It's possibly not a case of intentionally ignoring your partner as finding your inner needs have suddenly hit you in the face, maybe you've gone from underdressing in underwear to fully dressing and finding you like it far too and don't know why.

[Micki_Finn]

Well this isn't going to apply to every relationship, but for us, it's pretty much just a normalized, incorporated part of our lives. The only difference is that if I go out as Micki I need a couple more hours to get ready, so it's reserved for special occasions and when we have plenty of time.

[NancySue]

My wife is accepting. I think you answered your own question..appreciation, appreciation and more...Be nice to her...Take her to dinner, compliment how she looks and what she's wearing, flowers, surprise mail, etc. When she shops, our deal is...one for me...two for her...sounds fair to me. 👗💄😉. It works.

[josrphine]

I or my wife are not obsessed with how I look, it is a big part of our life. Yes we are older,have been together for over 10 yrs . One of the biggest part of our life is that she wants me to be Josephine. if I don't appear as Josephine she is not happy. One of the things I have noticed here in Florida is that there are so many women that are by them self or with other women. I am my wife's best friend, a women will tell there best friend usually a women more then they will tell there husband. We talk I will bet more then any other couple on here or that are together. Am I self-absorbed with what ????? I am by my wife's interpretation a very balanced man and women. Jo

[Tracii G]

Keep in mind your wife and your relationship are more important than your dressing.
I guess I just don't understand obsession to be honest.
Use your common sense plus you know right from wrong I hope.

[Rachael Leigh]

Well I'm guilty of obsessing with Leigh at times and for me it can be something I need to be aware of so I can focus on my
wife and her needs. I'm most definitely a work in progress especially since I've come to accept myself for being trans

[Maria 60]

Well for now my dressing is mostly underdressing and opportunities are few, so for now there isn't a problem. But funny your asking this because my wife always tells me if the kids move out, she believes my dressing is going to rise to a new level. She says Maria hasn't evolved yet and it's going to be interesting what she evolves into. I believe that's when she thinks I'm going to get selfish and do for Maria that I did for the family all these years. Should be interesting.

[Dana44]

All I can say is that communication is so important between my SO and myself. Like we take Friday night and open wine, crackers, cheese and summer sausage. Then we sit on the floor in the living room and give total focus to us. Anything on each others mind, we open to each other. So this is a time where any question comes up and we give total focus discussion and we talk about anything. It is so nice to do that every week. Candles are welcome too. We do wear our nighties and face each other. So all problems are solved on that night for the next week. It is amazing what we actually talk about and it is romantic also.

[Heidi Stevens]

Even those of us who are DADT have to keep that balance, Lisa. She is still aware of your dressing and will always assume any lack of attention from you for her is due do your dressing. You still have to make your wife/so your top priority or you will face the alternative of being on your own.

[Lori Kurtz]

Even when you're in one of those pink-foggy times, you probably have some sense of when it's okay and when it's a distraction from giving your wife the attention she deserves. So make your decision in advance: if you have that feeling that a potential dress-up opportunity might be harmful to your relationship, you will not dress up. Reassure yourself that this does not mean you will never dress up again. View your non-destructive dress-up opportunities as your reward for making your wife your first priority.

[Alice_2014_B]

Being in a "wife knows" situation, I just balance it all out.
I just keep it from consuming me, live a normal life.

[Stephanie47]

As Heidi stated (#12) those of us in a DADT have the same issues to deal with. Maybe it is even more difficult to pay proper attention to a wife. In a DADT are you making up some excuse not to visit the in-laws? Or attend a function at church or school? In many of my comments I have used the term "crumbs of time." Yes, grasping at a hour or two to wear something. Or spend two hours grooming oneself only to wipe it off after half an hour.

Actually, paying inadequate attention to a wife and kids as a cross dresser, closeted or open, is really no different than the guy who spends too much time working on his car or truck, playing basketball, sipping brews at a tavern. After all half of the marriages end of divorce, and, there are many that probably should end in divorce.

The biggest issue I read on this forum is pushing the envelope for just a little more. Heck, if she does not complain, then it must be alright! No? Self justification seems always to work until it doesn't.

[Kate Simmons]

Turning the compulsion into a choice would be the first step the way I see it. Then you are at the helm and not the CDing.

[Krisi]

We have to control all of our obsessions, not just crossdressing if we are to live a balanced life and have a successful marriage. The same goes for our wives, they have to control any obsessions they may have.

How? Stop and think. If you are staying home to dress when you should be taking your wife out to dinner, you have a problem. If you are spending food money for women's clothes, you have a problem.

Fix it.

[shellybme]

In my world we are so busy with our daily lives that I only dress when there is some downtime for me. My main focus is always my family and sometimes that's a 24hr job. You just have to have your priorities in order. If she is important to you than you will make her important by doing the things you need to do. I still love my feminine things and think about them a lot but I know what is important and I act accordingly.

[Tracy Irving]

In all my years of cross dressing, I don't recall it consuming me. I never asked myself if I would rather go to work or put on a dress. I have bills to pay.

[NicoleScott]

I don't avoid the obsession (compulsion, drive, hobby, interest, whatever you want to call it), I acknowledge it and manage it. With varying degrees of success - ha.

[Jenniferathome]

Lisa, I believe it is far more simple than you think. There is one tactic needed: Communication. What are the boundaries with which she is comfortable? If you are within those, then you can never get off kilter. If you do not know those boundaries, you are already in trouble. But the fix is easy. Sit down and talk.

If you are not communicating regularly, then you are at risk of alienating her.

[franlee]

In my case it was and continues to be everyday life and keeping my obligations caught up with. There just is to much for me to let CDing obsess me. But then when I get the chance to indulge I try to make the most of it there by balancing it all. My wife is part of All of my life so she never feels left out.

[Kandi Robbins]

Not hard, you always remember that because your wife is accepting, you are allowed to be who you are. Get into a habit like I have. Every day, I drive off to work and then send my wife a text reminding her how much I love her (trying to differ the text daily). There are other things you can do, make dinner, do things around the house you might not ordinarily, etc. Give her a kiss when she walks into the house (sounds obvious, but many of us after having been married for years, 30 in my case, get away from that). For me, I know who I am. Sure, in the "dream" world, I would probably dress daily. But I know who I am, what my limits are and relish what I do have and relish the woman who made it all possible. My marriage is number one and as long as you remember that, you'll be fine.

[docrobbysherry]

Compulsive behavior doesn't run in our family. I'm 70+ and for 50 years I didn't have one. But, I'm afraid I have one with Sherry now.

It cost me a 30+ year relationship with an old girlfriend. We continued to communicate thru our 2 marriages and divorces. Then, when we were both free we finally started seeing each other. I told her about Sherry and she saw photos. At first she was supportive. But, after about 6 months she became jealous and broke it off. Haven't heard a word in 7 years.

And, I quit dating 50's/60's women. Because as nice as some were, they couldn't hold a candle to Sherry in the looks dept.
Never mind bringing her up to one I mite like.

If you're married and becoming too involved with your fem character? I suggest seeing a good therapist ASAP!

[Cheryl T]

I just do what I've always done.
I hug her, kiss her, tell her I love her and spend as much time with her as I can.
We are Best Friends as well and I like it that way. Seems easy to me...