Deception Only Hinders Dressing

[Anita Mae GG]

A recent thread inspired my thread. First let me say that I am in no way putting anyone down or anything. Just my thoughts here......please don't take offense.

I have read recently and not so recently in here about some of you girls having issues with yourselves and your wives in relation to crossdressing. Now I know not everyone has an accepting wife. That is obvious but what I don't understand is WHY you haven't told her (if you haven't already).

For those with unccepting wives:

You have to take agood hard look at your relationships. If she knows and has tried to accept but it has been YEARS and she is not willing at this point, then you have to re-evaluate your relationship. If she hasn't changed by now she probably isn't going to.


For those who haven't told their wives:

You need to do that NOW. If you wait it'll only be worse. The realistic reaction is going to be hurt and anger and confusion. But the longer you wait the more magnified these reactions will be. They will feel even more betrayed etc. Every day that goes by that you don't tell her is another day you have deceived her. Whether it be out of fear, or love for her...you need to not deceive her anymore. If you have been together a few years or more, she is going to be hurt no matter what, no basically you have nothing to lose. The sooner you tell her the more time you have to help her understand. Worst case, she leaves...but if I can try and put a positive spin on that.....that is a chance for you to find yourself and someone who loves you for ALL of you!

Bottom line is this....if she is not willing to learn about crossdressing and at least TRY and accept it, then she probably won't anytime in the future. In the meantime you are stifling your true self and hurting yourself by shutting a part of you down. That is not fair to anyone.

No one should feel that they cannot be their true selves. Or feel that they have to hide from the one person they love most. Put your whole self out there and see what happens. If things with your wives were meant to be then they will be. If not then that is your chance for freedom and acceptance from someone else. Not all wives are unaccepting...you can find someone who loves ALL of you. It is possible.

Now I am in no way telling you all to leave your wives and children. I am telling you that YOU are responsible for your OWN happiness and if you can't be true self without fear...then that makes for a miserable person. You all need to talk to your wives and figure out if your relationships are going to change for the better or if you are better off moving on.

There seems to be a lot of unhappy girls in here that have to hide themselves in their own homes......is it worth it to live your life as someone you are not ...........????

Good luck and God Bless!!!

[ladyelaine]

Thanks for sharing this Tammy, especially the last and longest part about the need for not hiding or deceiving another. Separate from the matter of cding, a wonderful point to make, but, for those of us having issues with others respecting our choices as "gender gifted," this is especially meaningful. We might not be accepted, but if we are honest we at least are making our first steps. Kindest regards.

Elaine

[katiecd2004]

I agree Tammy!

I talked to my girlfriend about this stuff when we first started dating. It is something that I can't control, it is just there. She was very supportive and understood this whole crazy society we live in.

She told me she has often thought about how ironic it is that a girl can go out with a t-shirt and jeans on(guy type clothing) and no make-up, and go ride four-wheelers in the woods...But it is wrong if guys want to dress in a skirt and heels and go shopping! Why is the world like that??

My point is, communication is very important to any relationship! I'm just lucky to have a SO that understands!

Katie

[Kimberley]

Tammy,
I fit into the first category and wont argue your thoughts on the matter other than to say that it is extrememly difficult to throw away 35 years not only of marriage but the subsequent explanations to friends and family. I think most of us in this position would say the same thing.
As for me personally, it is an issue I am dealing with with my counsellor. Her comment? "I dont know how to treat your wife at a distance." Speaks volumes doesnt it? All I can do is try to work to a point of personal acceptance or throw it all away.
i think that those of us at this stage, who have tossed in the towel probably have considerably less of a lifestyle than before including some deep regrets and increased mental problems, although that could be debatable because one set of problems get exchanged for another. I think most of us hope for a compromise somewhere on some level and are willing to fight for that.
I only wish it was a perfect world with a black and white solution.
Thanks for the input. It is ALWAYS appreciated.

Kimberley.

[JoAnnDallas]

TammyGG... If your avatar is real, then you are what in your 20/30's. As a CDr that is approaching 60 and still in the closet with my wife, I will be the first to say YES tell her at the beginning of your relationship. BUT for those of us that are older, you don't have a clue. you don't know how society was when we were younger and starting out.

As I have stated in other posts, today people on the most part are more tolerant than they were when I was your age. If I was outed when I was younger (20-30), I could have very well ended up tied to a fence and had all types of things done to me. That happen to a friend of mine who told a buddy he was "GAY". My friend died of the adbuse.

I don't make judgements of others. I have seen too much injustice to allow myself to make judgements. If they are a friend, then I will stick by them and not adbandom them just because they are different. Oherwise I stay nothing and if someone askes me what I think, I usually reply " When you reach my age, you will understand, until then you don't have a clue".

[Anita Mae GG]

Tammy,
I fit into the first category and wont argue your thoughts on the matter other than to say that it is extrememly difficult to throw away 35 years not only of marriage but the subsequent explanations to friends and family. I think most of us in this position would say the same thing.
As for me personally, it is an issue I am dealing with with my counsellor. Her comment? "I dont know how to treat your wife at a distance." Speaks volumes doesnt it? All I can do is try to work to a point of personal acceptance or throw it all away.
i think that those of us at this stage, who have tossed in the towel probably have considerably less of a lifestyle than before including some deep regrets and increased mental problems, although that could be debatable because one set of problems get exchanged for another. I think most of us hope for a compromise somewhere on some level and are willing to fight for that.
I only wish it was a perfect world with a black and white solution.
Thanks for the input. It is ALWAYS appreciated.

Kimberley.

Kimberley,

I understand being invested in a relationship, IF you can find a way to be HAPPY with an unaccepting spouse and can be a peace with yourself., then that is great! I am merely saying that if you CAN'T and are miserable then maybe you need to take a deeper look at things.

No one should live an unhappy life......we only get one shot in this world.....

I am sure some on here are as invested in you and it is hard to turn away from that but if you can find a place in your relationship to be happy, that is fantastic

[Anita Mae GG]

TammyGG... If your avatar is real, then you are what in your 20/30's. As a CDr that is approaching 60 and still in the closet with my wife, I will be the first to say YES tell her at the beginning of your relationship. BUT for those of us that are older, you don't have a clue. you don't know how society was when we were younger and starting out.

As I have stated in other posts, today people on the most part are more tolerant than they were when I was your age. If I was outed when I was younger (20-30), I could have very well ended up tied to a fence and had all types of things done to me. That happen to a friend of mine who told a buddy he was "GAY". My friend died of the adbuse.

I don't make judgements of others. I have seen too much injustice to allow myself to make judgements. If they are a friend, then I will stick by them and not adbandom them just because they are different. Oherwise I stay nothing and if someone askes me what I think, I usually reply " When you reach my age, you will understand, until then you don't have a clue".

I am just wondering WHY you wouldn't want to try and be accepted by your wife instead of being in the closet.....

I do have a clue what it was like...things have even evolved sonce I was younger. But if you are happy being in the closet then that is your choice. I just think living unhappy or in fear isn't the best choice. Though at this point you have deceived your wife for a VERY long time (assuming she has no clue) she would be devastated at your deceit. I am not saying you absolutely MUST tell her (at people for your stage) but I don't understand living as a person you truly are not.. Do you think you would be happier being free to be who you are or closeted and with the woman you love.......I gues that is each persons decision to make......


My avatar IS real and I am 34 years old

I understand your points and thank you for your insight

[JoAnnDallas]

Tammy Marie GG....As for myself, I'm very happy with my choice NOT to tell my wife. I have my reasons, as I stated in another post. Yes, I wish I could be JoAnn more openly, but I put my wife first and foremost. If it means staying in the closet, I am very happy to do so.

All I am saying, is DON'T be so judgemental, IMHO it only shows INTOLERANCE.

[Anita Mae GG]

Tammy Marie GG....As for myself, I'm very happy with my choice NOT to tell my wife. I have my reasons, as I stated in another post. Yes, I wish I could be JoAnn more openly, but I put my wife first and foremost. If it means staying in the closet, I am very happy to do so.

All I am saying, is DON'T be so judgemental, IMHO it only shows INTOLERANCE.

JoAnn, I am glad that you are happy with your decision. That is AWESOME. I am NOT being judgemental. I started this thread in response to those who are complaining that they are unhappy .........

For those happy with how your life is...I am truly happy FOR you. That is awesome that you can find that balance and still feel happiness etc. Please don't take this thread the wrong way. I was not trying to be judgemental, merely saying that you should explore all of your options IF you are unhappy.......

BTW, I am NOT intolerant...I think my posts reflect that...

[ashlee chiffon]

i understand the wives and relationship necessities for honesty and being totally upfront..
but at what point do you discuss the urges to dress with a new girlfriend from a GG's point of view? Just trying to get a feel as i am getting to know a new gal and i can go either way with it in my mind, at least until i feel it's necessary or i have her trust...lots of issues bringing things up with someone you're not sure of..

[Anita Mae GG]

i understand the wives and relationship necessities for honesty and being totally upfront..
but at what point do you discuss the urges to dress with a new girlfriend from a GG's point of view? Just trying to get a feel as i am getting to know a new gal and i can go either way with it in my mind, at least until i feel it's necessary or i have her trust...lots of issues bringing things up with someone you're not sure of..

I think for me I would want to know after the first few dates where you have decided you want to really get to know each other. But that is a question maybe some of the CD'ers with girlfriends can give you some insight on.... but DEFINITELY when you are VERY serious, pending a marriage etc...but I would want to know WAY before that...before I got too emotionally invested and felt lied to.....

[Kimberley]

Kimberley,

I understand being invested in a relationship, IF you can find a way to be HAPPY with an unaccepting spouse and can be a peace with yourself., then that is great! I am merely saying that if you CAN'T and are miserable then maybe you need to take a deeper look at things.

No one should live an unhappy life......we only get one shot in this world.....

I am sure some on here are as invested in you and it is hard to turn away from that but if you can find a place in your relationship to be happy, that is fantastic

*********
Tammy,
I am working on it both here and with the pdoc. It isnt easy by any means and the choices to remain "closeted" or give up a marriage are not easy. It took me 50+ years to get here so an overnight solution is not to be expected.

Keep it up girl, you are always giving us something to think about one way or another.

Kimberley

[Sophia Rearen]

Tammy Marie,
Good stuff here. I believe that a lot of the not telling has to do with self acceptance. If a cd isn't 100% ok with who they are, then they may be emotionally fragile to deal with the possibilty of losing one's SO or wife. Look at all the examples of the cd that got marrried without telling the wife. Most say something along this line, "when I married her, I thought the issue or desire would go away". This, to me, means they have not accepted themselves for who they are. When one reaches self acceptance it is important to be able to share the acceptance with someone. Hopefully, the SO or wife. Without self acceptance telling a SO or wife that he/she is a cd/tg is like sending a boxer into a ring with his hands tied behind him. He can only take a beating. The beating the cd fears is emotional, not physical. Now, arming one's self with self acceptance, a dialogue can be created, and hopefully a positive outcome. Without it, the only defense is being defensive and typically that is not good outcome.

[Anita Mae GG]

*********
Tammy,
I am working on it both here and with the pdoc. It isnt easy by any means and the choices to remain "closeted" or give up a marriage are not easy. It took me 50+ years to get here so an overnight solution is not to be expected.

Keep it up girl, you are always giving us something to think about one way or another.

Kimberley

Good for you for getting there at all!!!!...................I hope you find peace and happiness! Good luck!!!

[Anita Mae GG]

Sophia,
Very good insight...thank you!!!!!

Even though I probably ticked some people off (which was never my intention), I think we can all learn from this thread

[Julie Avery]

i understand the wives and relationship necessities for honesty and being totally upfront..
but at what point do you discuss the urges to dress with a new girlfriend from a GG's point of view? Just trying to get a feel as i am getting to know a new gal and i can go either way with it in my mind, at least until i feel it's necessary or i have her trust...lots of issues bringing things up with someone you're not sure of..

I suppose if I were in this position I might try to break the ice by wearing some outer garment or accessory that's feminine but not outlandish - could be something as simple as a distinctly feminine ring or watch - ask how she likes it, and take it from there.

[Sophia Rearen]

Even though I probably ticked some people off (which was never my intention), I think we can all learn from this thread

Great thread Tammy. We need these from time to time. Thank you for being here and your welcome.

[Anita Mae GG]

Like I just said to Sophia (via PM) I understand the situation..I have seen the fear in my husbands eyes a few times...I am only saying that for those that are absolutely miserable and unhappy because that cannot be themselves, then DO something about it. Start taking the steps to fix the situation Ultimately YOU are responsible for YOUR happiness
0.02

[randi_789]

I agree totally with what she says. I have been married 35 years and sure I wish I had told her before we were married, or at least before we had kids, but I didn't. I did bring it up about eight years into the marriage and she expressed dislike of me dressing and made me promise not to do it again. Of course I promised. But of course I couldn't keep the promise. After all these years it is too much to expect her to accept it now. I choose not to tell her only because there is way too much to lose. I love her dearly and cannot hurt her, and I know this probably will based on her reaction those many years ago.

I sit here and read thread after thread saying that we should all tell our wives, and I agree with JoAnn it shouldn't apply to everyone. Some of us make the choice not to tell. Sure I would like to live the lives some of you have where your wife knows, buys you things and goes out with you. But I know my wife. I know how she feels about things. I know what there is to lose, and the benefits of coming out to her are only for me. I have to think of her and of us. That is more important to me than crossdressing in secret. Love is what is important here.

[MsJanessa]

JoAnn, I am glad that you are happy with your decision. That is AWESOME. I am NOT being judgemental. I started this thread in response to those who are complaining that they are unhappy .........

For those happy with how your life is...I am truly happy FOR you. That is awesome that you can find that balance and still feel happiness etc. Please don't take this thread the wrong way. I was not trying to be judgemental, merely saying that you should explore all of your options IF you are unhappy.......

BTW, I am NOT intolerant...I think my posts reflect that...

Probably doesn't want to pay all that alimony and property split that a messy divorce would entail----at age 34 it's not too expensive to get divorced at age 60+ it could cost a lot---by all means tell your wife but only if you can accept the fact that she may well leave you and take half of your property and an annual third of your salery in addition until she is deceased.

[MelissaM]

Wow what a great post Tammy!! I agree 2000%. Honesty and communication is what keeps a relationship going. Trust. Well done!

[Kimberley]

Like I just said to Sophia (via PM) I understand the situation..I have seen the fear in my husbands eyes a few times...I am only saying that for those that are absolutely miserable and unhappy because that cannot be themselves, then DO something about it. Start taking the steps to fix the situation Ultimately YOU are responsible for YOUR happiness
0.02

************
I think you hit something right on the head. Fear. It is our greatest enemy but also our protector. It is something we all live with whether we are out or not, it is always there.

Kimberley

[Kimberley]

I agree with the divorce thing. The longer a marriage exists not only do you have significant emotion invested but also finance. It is easy to say I am not materialistic as you open a can of cat food for your dinner at age 70.

Kimberley

[Anita Mae GG]

I did bring it up about eight years into the marriage and she expressed dislike of me dressing and made me promise not to do it again. Of course I promised. But of course I couldn't keep the promise.

If you can live with the deceit then so be it. I am mainly aiming this thread at those that complain and whine that their wives don't understand and they aren't ahppy...and so on......

Basically as I have said, if you aren't happy then DO something to change it, or stop complaining....

Fear is a factor. I have fear regarding this, as a matter of fact I just expressed this to my husband. BUT that does not mean I am going to stop moving forward with what we arew doing as a couple to overcome BOTH of our fears. We will keep working towards our joint goal.

Take the fear and turn it into something that will make you happy. If you chose to keep it a secret and you "promised" things and didn't keep them, well that is YOUR conscience you have to deal with and if you can deal with it and live happily then all the power to you

It's interesting to see the different points of view on this.....

[JMO2]

I was upfront and honest with my SO or future wife and I was met with " Well its just a phaze....right".
I am an active crossdresser and have been since 14 years old or so and told her this when we got togather. She still thinks its a phaze. To make things just a little worse she thinks now that I have completely "outgrown it"
How do you confront this, that, it is in your makeup. (no pun intended)
Honesty may be the best policy and all that but this is a little hard for me to keep hashing out with her when she appears to be happier when she thinks I have "outgrown it".