Getting Too Big For Your Panties? (too much too much is too soon?)

[IleneD]

A question to throw out.
I 'came out' about 3 months ago. Yes, kind of a shock but not a surprise to the SO of 39 years; a good and loving woman, the Wife. Upon declaring myself CD, I showed her the wardrobe, etc. I've dressed partially (in a few girly things) blended with male clothes. Pierced my ears (love my pierced ears and earrings). Only dressed in front of her once since the pronouncement (and then no makeup, etc.).

She says OK, but I perceive she is uncomfortable with seeing me in my dress. Her sister (who knows too, and I trust) brought up the issue of "how do you think it makes her feel as a WOMAN to see her Man feminized." And that has certainly provided grist for this on-going discussion.
The initial 'plan" between us was to take baby steps. No radical outward changes. Not yet. See how it goes. But I'm stoked about my coming-out and want to proceed. Excited to the extent that I've strayed out of bounds a couple times already by daring to go out in public (while on travel away from home). I live by audacity, so I personally don't have a problem with it. But it is NOT in keeping with the Baby Steps Approach. [Yes, I am telling her about the adventures when I get home. Honesty is a must here.]

BUT...... (for the forum); how much is too soon? Going OUT in public has already proved nearly disastrous (a long story of almost 'getting caught' in a bad situation). I may be getting too adventurous and enthusiastic, and don't want to blow it with the Wife by something embarrassing to her. YET..... I know in the back of my mind where this is going. More public outings of the type that might mortify the SO. But how do we get there?

[docrobbysherry]

U know in your mind where this is going? But, u haven't told your SO? Or, even us?

Then, u ask us how to get there? When we have no clue where "there" is?

[IleneD]

Good point, Sherry.
In my mind, I would enjoy having the uncritical liberty to:
(a) go about the house dressed in full. I'd love to get to the point where the SO is 100% comfortable with seeing it. She says she is supporting so far, and I believe she's trying. Yet I sense discomfort. We are close and still working this.

(b) the liberty to actually go OUT in public dressed, with impunity. Again, the SO is not one for making scenes or putting us on display. I want her to be a part of this experience, and in many ways she needs to participate. But, very low profile she is and not one to take risks. Right now, I perceive she's not there, and it may be a bridge too far. She's more in the "OK, but this is still a family secret between us" mode.

And (again) you're correct. This is something to openly and plainly talk about. But even getting to The Talk (again) will be baby steps. Trying to cajole her over to a more supportive, even participatory, stance.

[Teresa]

IleneD,
She may be more accepting if you find a social group to join where you can meet other members of the TG community, once she knows you're in a safe environment she may be OK with you going out in other ways.
I'm in a DADT situation where does doesn't even want to see me so I never thought I would get to the stage where I would be going out dressed with her knowledge and drive the thirty miles to meet others. I've even stopped over at another members house and will be stopping over at the hotel for the Xmas party, this has all happened in the space of this year. She knows I'm audacious too , I'm sure she didn't think I had the courage to go out dressed or shop for myself.

[NitaCD]

Your situation is very similar to mine. Kind of like being between a rock an a hard place sometimes. We seem to take a few steps forward and then a few steps backwards. It gets very frustrating but I have come to the mindset that my wife and our relationship is much more important to me than my own needs. Crossdressing can be tough on both people so I think taking things slow, and finding some middle ground, is the best medicine if you don't want to rock the boat too much. I came out to my wife 10 years ago and there has definitely been progress made, even if it does seemed slow going to me sometimes. My wife is a very accepting person, not just of me but everyone, so I probably could get away with more than I do but out of respect for her I hold back when I would really like to move forward. You ask "how do we get there?". I wish I knew...as I suspect a lot of others on this site wonder as well. I am still in a holding pattering right now so I guess I will just have to wait and see, and hope for the best. I think each of us has to decide what is best for our own situation and go with it.

[Krisi]

" I perceive she is uncomfortable with seeing me in my dress."

Let's start with that. What kind of clothing does she normally wear? A dress or something more casual? If you are like many of the dressers here, you may be overdressing, particularly for just lounging around the house. How about a simple blouse (maybe a woman's T-shirt), a pair of tights and flats to start with? Maybe don't jump in with he wig, boobs and butt all at once. Introduce them gradually. Ditch the eye makeup, just beard cover and minimum lipstick (or none at all). Once she becomes accustomed to this, step it up a notch gradually.

As far as going out in public, I suspect your wife would be embarrassed for people to know that her husband is a crossdresser. Most wives are. You might be able to go out in public and not be recognized (except walking out of or into your house) but she will be recognized and folks will either recognize you by association or ask to be introduced. The only real solution to this is to go to another town or city, far enough away that the chances of her being recognized are minimal.

So for me, number one has been accomplished. Not number two but I'm working on it.

[JocelynJames]

I was all in -at first. I told her, started building a wardrobe, dressed most days, shaved everything and
Makeup within a 2 month span. Finally she cracked and told me it was too much. We had many conversations , and I have reeled it in. We've found the balance and when I feel I'm ready for something else , we talk about it. So far the response is always"if it makes you feel good about yourself, then go ahead. " I always ask about her comfort level and she promises to let me know if it's too much. It works for us, but some people it won't . Hope this helped

[PeggyNell]

Ilene, congratulations!! I can imagine the the heavy chains being lifted off your shoulders. Now there are new obstacles to overcome, but that is how we grow. I never told my SO, and now that I am divorced, am more afaid if she knew. But being honest is the very best thing for you both. It is a two way street. She needs to be completely honest in her feelings, you did a very brave thing! Sometimes I hope I can do with the right person. Baby steps are a must for Your SO. Even though you have been this way since childhood(I am guessing, because that is normally the case) and she has only known for 3 months. I can imagine that you are literally busting with excitement,and trying to hold back for her. You sound like a very loving husband with a great wife. Best of luck to you both!!

[NitaCD]

That's pretty much where we are also Jocelyn. I still walk lightly though as I wouldn't upset things the way they are now. Better than nothing I guess. I agree that this might not work for everyone.

[IleneD]

Kris,
Great points and a few things I hardly considered. The advice and experiences of others are proving the value of this forum. Thanks

I hadn't given much thought to what The SO wears. I saw prior posts that suggested that CDs not use the SO's clothing, not 'compete" for looks, etc. And I never gave it much thought that ME wearing a dress would effectively be a comparison. The Wife is a real woman through and through, but not a girly girl. She was never into skirts or dresses; though wears them when the occasion arises. She's more of a jeans, casual slacks, capris, etc. girl. The idea of me OVER DRESSING in a dress, and it being a de facto comparison, never quite dawned on me.
I'll certainly be more sensitive about it. This is something we can talk about openly and direct.
And your point about going in public is well taken, and really the root of concern over my own "enthusiasm". Jocelyn (above) noted her own enthusiasm experience and had to dial it back. Me too, and the tips on taking those baby steps are appreciated.