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Thread: Finaly start accepting my girly side. Found inner peace

  1. #1
    Member Ashley090's Avatar
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    Smile Finaly start accepting my girly side. Found inner peace

    Title say most of it but hey, I am not that short when it came to writing . This whole cd-feel-like-girl thing has been going about 16+ years (i did like girls stuff as kid but idk if that counds towards our cause ) but it's been just month since something shifted and I stop to fight and trying to make disappear that girl in my mind. I was like "hey she is part of me and we are stuck together for live". Since that day somehow I feel more happy. Like I am whole myself. It is good to accept self.
    But one thing I am little bit afraid of. An advice would be appreciated. So i dont see my girly side, Ashley, as complete part of me (one body, one soul, right but i think about her more as different person, somebody else. I am not seeing such behavior here (much) so I asking myself if its normal or I may start develop someting like split personality or something Hopefuly not and I am just weird

    Damn, lenghty post again. Sorry girls Cya around
    Ash
    "Do not care what others think, do what you must" - Javik, ME3

  2. #2
    Aspiring Member JeanetteX's Avatar
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    Hi Ashley,

    Let me first say that I absolutely love it to be Jeanette. I try to dress and doll up as often as I can, try to develop her further and further, and yes...she is a very big and important part of my life.

    But I also have a strong male side on the other hand. I love to do typical male stuff: go out with friends, drink a beer, talk about or watch football (soccer for the Yanks) etc. etc. But no way that I see this as a split personality...it's simply who I am. I'd like to think that by now I have found a very good balance between my male and female sides, and in my opinion the most important thing to find that balance is by beginning to accept your female side entirely. Don't hide her from yourself, don't fight that feeling, and please don't see yourself as weird. And, if possible, show her to the world.

    From what I read in your story I understand that self acceptance is setting in at the moment. That is a very good sign and a big step towards your full happiness. Good luck with it girl!!!
    Love and hugs Jeanette

  3. #3
    Gold Member Lana Mae's Avatar
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    Ashley, you are just seeing your feminine side. All males have one most males deny it. CD ers accept it. It is part of our lives. I still do "manly" things but those panties and dress feel so good! If you check it out, we come from all walks of life. We are more sensitive to our feminine side is all. Accept and enjoy the journey! Hugs Lana Mae
    Life is worth living!
    "Foxy lady! You look so good!!" Jimi Hendrix

  4. #4
    Silver Member Elizabeth G's Avatar
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    Hi Ashley,

    I'm glad you are finding peace and acceptance within yourself. I don't think of Beth as being a split personality for me, just two sides of the same coin. Different, but not separate, parts that make up the whole. I accepted this and have been happier ever since.

    Elizabeth

  5. #5
    Senior Member phili's Avatar
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    I've been taking the point of view called genderqueer these days- where men and women can mix and match pieces of the normally separated modes of boy/girl.

    I thought it would be a bit easier than having a second personality- I think the situation is that generally the world thinks boy or girl,and can accept a boy trying to look like a girl as long as he is really trying. No- won't let him have the satisfaction of passing, but it is an approved way of dealing with one's gender feelings since it supports the two-mode system and is therefore more familiar. It is also generally not seen as the real us, but a vacation fling.

    Those of us who try to dress and act the way we feel, crossing gender lines, first seem just to be badly implementing crossdressers, and then make people uncomfortable because a short skirt/makeup is a clue/cue to feminine sexuality, and that, of course, is disturbing if there isn't a real woman underneath. But it also speaks to the idea that women often say- can't I dress femininely without it being seen as sexually inviting or provocative? I think when people see me they have to think- hmm- he must like the flowing clothes and form fit- looks awful, but he's not hurting anyone or trying to seduce me.

    It is also difficult because we are not on vacation from our selves, we are showing this way as ourselves- which could be the thing you are longing for or just wondering about.P1060367.jpg

    The more I do it the more relaxed and cohesive I feel. It is a relatively new category of expression, but people understand it-
    We are all beautiful...!

  6. #6
    Lisa Allisa's Avatar
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    As I have found out about myself and others here, we start as thinking as two personalities when we first begin to accept what we are, I believe it just makes it easier and helps to wrap our minds around what we do as society deems it wrong or perverted in some way. Then as we "grow" and practice our dressing one day we come to see that we are the same person just expressing our "sides" in our clothing and actions that make us feel good and we continue to grow and learn, even at an older age and then of course life styles and situations also have an influence on us. It took me a long time to figure out that I am Gender Fluid but that is me. You may be just a CDer, or maybe more, I doubt that you are just weird, maybe just beginning a new and hopefully joyful journey in your life. Keep reading threads here and there are a lot of kindred spirits to learn from, we all can't be weirdo's can we? I hope I helped.
    "you are a strange species and there are many out there;shall I tell you what I find beautiful about you ,you are at your best when things are at their worst" ...[ Starman]
    It may of course be a bit disturbing to sense that one is really not so firmly anchored to the gender one was born into.

  7. #7
    Southern Girl dolovewell's Avatar
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    This is exactly where I was at. I purged and tried to battle with it for about 18 months. Fighting your inner desire to crossdress is a battle you can not win. It's stressful and draining. Not only did I fight it mentally, but I fought it physically by doing ultra masculine things. I'd go to the gym and work out really hard, thinking all the testosterone would kill my feminine desires. Not the case.

    Once I surrendered and called a truce, things got better. No more stress, could just relax. I still am a masculine man when I am in male mode, I still lift and all that. But I gave myself permission to indulge in my female side.
    28 years old, 6' tall, 155 pounds
    Measurements: 33 bust-28 waist-37 hips
    Dress Size: 6, Bra Band Size: 34

  8. #8
    Member stormy_skyxx's Avatar
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    Hello Ashley,
    first of all welcome to our "club" and happy to see that we have another european girl...
    Your not alone, as there are many like you, and as for you, i felt a lot better once i started accepting my girly side...and i am happy that i let her out, and as you can see i am now, that i am accepted myself to show Gilda to the world.
    I think all of us have both sides, and you cant hide either one side or the other forever, that is my humble opinion about it ...
    That said, i think you are pretty normal and there is absolutely nothing weird with you, i am happy instead you let the steam out, as places like this forum can be very helpful..
    and as for you i am not Gilda all the time , sometimes i am my male side, sometimes female..isnt just beautiful to see the world under two different point of view ?
    I think its great and not weird....so keep going girl, be confident and be marvelous, as we all are :-)

    Gilda
    hopefully becoming the real "ME" now

  9. #9
    Member Jesse Six's Avatar
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    Hi Ash, you brought up an interesting point - the "different person", or "split personality" phenomenon.

    I experienced it a little bit like that, but it wasn't caused by a split personality. It was a mental block I put in place, because wanting to be female was just completely out of bounds, forbidden.

    I'm a daydreamer. I often drift away to some cool story in my mind, whether just before I fall asleep, or when I listen to music, or exercise, etc. I've been doing it since I was a little kid.
    In my daydreams, for as long as I can remember, I had a protagonist. She was a girl, and it was just so much more interesting when she was the central character, rather than me. I wasn't attracted to her, so it wasn't like a romantic longing, but she was the recurring character. Over the years I named her Jess.

    It wasn't until in my 30s that I finally realized that she was my 'audience surrogate character'. I just couldn't consciously admit that I wanted myself to be feminine. Ever since I figured that out, my daydreams have all become first-person.
    "Your hands are cold but your lips are warm..."

  10. #10
    Silver Member IleneD's Avatar
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    Ashley,

    I'll tell you what I've learned about myself.
    You are not weak. You are not 'damaged' or fallen.
    Quite the contrary.
    Your Inner Woman makes you powerful. Your Inner Woman gives you strength and grace, especially in the toughest of times. She's there for you.
    She's not going away.

    See my signature (below). That says it all.
    There resides within me a Woman, and she is powerful.
    She has been my Grace and Bearing on the stormiest seas.
    I could no more deny Her than I would my own soul.

  11. #11
    Member Ellie Summer's Avatar
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    Hi Ashley, welcome to our little club! I've often thought about this as I've evolved in this whole experience. I wouldn't call Ellie a split personality per se. It's almost like there were all these spaces inside me that I didn't even know were there, and the feminine side of me filled those in to make me feel more complete. It's a love for self that's much different from narcissism, but rather more like a comfort. I like knowing that even when I'm not dressed, Ellie's still in my heart and no amount of shaming from society can penetrate that. Phili said it right- I don't feel like I'm leaving who I am as a man, I feel like I'm just finding the TRUE me that can come out in a safe environment.
    Best of luck with your journey.

  12. #12
    Heels addict Karine's Avatar
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    Hi Ashley,

    Like you, I fight my feeling and my desire about crossdressing during a long time (have been thinking about it since childhood and only started crossdressing in my late twenties).
    I grew up like a manly dude and still is but I finally accepted that I am a crossdresser (thanks notably to this forum ). Keep in mind that you can't fight who you are.
    At one time, I also see my "girly side" as a different person. In one way, it was some kind easier but I am not sure it is viable and healthy in the long term. Now for me, it's just a part of me and i accept it. It furthers my equilibrium, I need it that just the way it is.
    Don't get me wrong, I am still in the closet. Girlfriend doesn't know. I still have to work on myself to come out, but at least I am ok with who I am.

    As a newbie like you, I will advise you to:
    - move at your peace, take time to discover this part of you,
    - enjoy this forum, it's really a great place with very different people and tons of advices. Everybody can share their thoughts with no judgements.

    Keep in mind that life is short and that you are not hurting anybody.

    Karine.
    Boys who dress as girls have more fun.

  13. #13
    Silver Member
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    I am most accurately described as a Two Spirit. Not male OR female but both in an integrated whole. That realization came slowly, but I think many of us in this forum would have fewer problems in their lives if the world around us could recognize the possibility of more than just two genders.

    Once i began to accept my femme side, I saw myself as two different people and compartmentalized them into almost two separate lives. But as I go along now, it feels like just me wherever I am. That alpha male is just me. That guy in the short pink skirt cooking breakfst for two is just me. The guy in the jeans and 4 inch red suede stilettos is me again. I feel like both sides are aware of each other's needs and they love each other enough to make room for whomever the situation calls for. I have never been more whole, healthy and happy.

  14. #14
    Senior Member Ceera's Avatar
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    It's different for each of us, and may change over time.

    For me, I see Ceera as pretty much a separate functional identity that shares my body and mind with my male side. Not a 'split personality' really, since both sides remember all of our shared experiences, and I don't feel that one side or the other is 'demanding' to take control at any time. More like two people agreeably trading off who is driving, while going on the same road trip together. I/we choose which aspect is 'in control', based on the situation.

    If I want to attend an activity as Ceera, such as a dance at a nightclub or going out to dinner, or if I am just feeling in a girly mood that day and want to do my normal activities in girl mode, 'she gets to drive', and I get dolled up and enjoy life as a woman. I find my emotional responses and reactions to things seem a bit different than what I would do as a male in the same situations, and people around me seem to accept my actions as genuinely feminine.

    If I don't feel a particular need to be female in a given situation, or if the situation would be inappropriate for my female form - such as a holiday gathering with family I am not out with yet, I'm fine spending the day in male mode.

    If it was a true 'split personality', I think there would be less control over 'who' was 'in change' at a given time.

  15. #15
    Aspiring Member
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    Hi Ashley,
    Congrats on accepting yourself. I know exactly what you are talking about when you say you started to feel in peece with yourself. For me, even after self-acceptance, the work is ongoing to build enough self-confidence to be who I am outside of the walls of my house. But for the past year, I am getting better and better and am out to part of my family and one friend.

    Phili - I loved your post because you said so well what I have been thinking a lot about lately. Like some others here, I still have strong male side, and my girl mode doesn't include make up and complete transformation. I often dress just like you. I don't feel a need in full transformation plus my wife and kids have no issues seeing husband/dad wearing woman clothes as long as I don't pretend to be who I am not. I am somewhere in between and everything flows from there.

  16. #16
    Member Ashley090's Avatar
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    Much thanks for all your posts! It gives me something more to think about. In past I often just sit and think of why I am doing that, looking for rational reason. Somedays I was happy, some sad bcs of that. Like moving on waves. Now we may finaly come out of stormy sea to calm waters, to just enjoy ride I think coming out here on forum and finaly start to talk about it realy helps. Let some emotions and feeling out after those years. It is realy nice to see that ppl actualy understand.

    Quote Originally Posted by Ceera View Post
    More like two people agreeably trading off who is driving, while going on the same road trip together. I/we choose which aspect is 'in control', based on the situation.
    I realy agree with that, I mostly fits me and how I see it. Sometimes male side is too tired so she gets to control (if situation allow it) then we switch back "at wheel" And I have hard times to get her off of said wheel sometimes
    "Do not care what others think, do what you must" - Javik, ME3

  17. #17
    Senior Member Jenn A116's Avatar
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    Some interesting perspectives here. I know for myself I see Jenn as just another part of my male self, albeit one that isn't quite able to express herself publicly. At my age (late 60's) I long ago came to accept that side of me. Its just who I am.
    Jenn A --- nothing fancy, just me.

  18. #18
    Senior Member
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    Ashley,
    Relax, it is all part of being a cross dresser. You do inhabit two worlds, one reflecting your male self and another reflecting your cross dressing self that desires and enjoys being feminine. Sometimes one side is more dominant while at other times it is switched. You may find that as you go through life your desire to be in feminine mode increases and that is quite normal for many of us. When I was younger I spent more time in my male mode but later found more joy and pleasure in being feminine. I don't think you have a split personality. That is a psychological state in which you may exhibit two completely different personalities. When you cross dress you don't find your personality changing completely. At least I don't and I don't think others here do. I may exhibit and indulge some different and more feminine traits but I don't become a distinctly different personality.

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