Gone Awry

[rebecca_ns]

I haven't been very active on this board in quite some time. I came out to my wife as trans in late February, and while she was accepting at first, things have steadily gone downhill ever since. We have talked about it a few times, but it always ended in an awkward silence. Well, this weekend at the camp was Halloween. The kids came around at around 5:30, and the adult party started around 8. Can anyone guess what I went as..?? I have full support from my wife to dress as I pleased for the party. She was not prepared for what she saw. She was not prepared at all to see Rebecca. She expected to see Richard dressed like a woman. What she got, was Rebecca in spades. While I was the most at peace that I have ever been ( I was dressed in front of others for the first time in my life ) she was visibly uncomfortable. So much so, that she had to leave and go back to the camper for the rest of the evening. The next morning after our daughter went next door for breakfast, we had a very emotional heart to heart. The happiness of my family is the most important thing in the world for me. I would gladly give my life to protect my family, and to see that they are happy. After seeing for the first time how happy I am when dressed, she now feels she is holding me back from being happy as the person I am. While I would never tell her that that is the case, she knows that I need to be Rebecca. I am walking a tightrope with no safety net, and the rope is shaking. We have built a comfortable life, and after growing up in a broken home, that is the last thing I want for my daughter. I am so torn between being who I need to be for my own sanity, and being who I need to be for my family, that I am mentally exhausted, and so close to the edge, that jumping seems to be fast becoming the best option. If I am gone, I am gone, and they will move on. To my twisted mind, that seems far better than watching me slip away into femininity. So tired.

[Glenda58]

Rebecca you need to get some help. You need to be Rebecca to be happy. Don't think that if your gone they will move on they won't. They will blame themselves thinking there was something they could done to stop you. And the more time passes the more they will think they could have helped you. They LOVE you so get help.

[rebecca_ns]

I am in therapy now. I have been since February. I just see no way out any more.....my wife has said if I begin transitioning, she will divorce me. I can't do that. I cannot hurt the ones I love, and to be who I need to be, someone I love dearly, will be hurt. I can't have that......blackness is all I can see.....

[Nikki.]

It's not.

I've seen the aftermath. Survivors of a family member who end their lives are absolutely devastated. It destroys them. They will not be better off.

Think of the impact to your wife. The guilt. The increased load of being the only parent. Having to explain to the kids. Imagine your absence at holidays. Birthdays. Weddings. Your wedding anniversary. The anniversary of your death.

Reach out to your wife. Tell her how you feel. See a therapist. If you get to the point of collecting the tools to make it happen, call 911.

Perhaps the most moving person I've ever heard speak was a survivor of a jump off the Golden Gate Bridge. Chronic life long clinical depression. The moment after he cleared the rail he said he was filled with regret. Hoped more than anything he survived, which he miraculously did. His life is not puppies and rainbows, but he carries on. That was 25 or so years ago.

Good for you for posting about it. It means you want help. Seek it from people local to you. Your life has more meaning to those around you than you can possible imagine right now.

[anna kate]

Rebecca,
Please don't do anything rash, like it sounds you might do. The only advice I'll give you, is please find some professional help, for you and your wife.
Listen for a minute to my story, this is true and can be documented. In 1992 I lost my three youngest children in an auto crash. In 2008 I lost my oldest in an auto crash. I am left with my wife and one daughter, who is married and has two sons. Thank God they are all well and healthy. You think keeping your family together is hard ??? Try living through where I've been.
What it sounds like you are thinking of doing to your family is inexcuseable. Please rethink your situation and look around, somebody else is in worse shape than you can imagine, and they are fighting to carry on. I think of my children every day, the tragedy never goes away. Yes, I still CD and my wife is still only tolerant. Don't put your family in this position, it would really "suck" for them. Be a man, or woman or anything in between, but don't do this to your family. They don't want to move on without you. The hurt you will cause will never go away.
Just want you to know, I'm crying as I sign off, Anna Kate

[Lana Mae]

Things can be worked out but you have to communicate these thoughts and feelings to your therapist. They should be able to help with this. Jumping is going to make matters worse for your family! Life is often a struggle but you have to keep on going. Hugs Lana Mae

[Periwinkle]

I know you're worried about your child growing up in a broken home, and I don't know if it helps you feel any better but I've been through two divorces. One when I was about 5 years old, and the other one more recently. I'm not messed up or scarred for life. I'm not angry at anyone. (Except my biological father, but he's not a trans woman, he's just not very nice.) I was pretty sad both times it happened, but I got over it. And I'm actually one of the few people in my friend group that doesn't have depression or anxiety. Of course, every kid takes it differently. That goes without saying. But I hope you know that I'd be much more devastated if one of my dads died than I was when they moved out of our house.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Rebecca,

The joy, the well being that you felt at that party- where is it carved in stone that you should never feel that way again?

Of course you don't want your daughter to join the multitude that grow up with separated parents- but it isn't a fatal blow; I grew up that way, and so do millions of others. As long as she feels you love her, as I'm very sure she will, in time she will adapt and come to terms with it.

By comparison the suicide of a parent is a far, far worse thing. To suggest that you are of so little importance to her that she will just 'move on' is utterly mistaken. You may feel you are no use to her, filled as you are with conflict and despair, but you are her father - and you are probably the most important thing in the world to her.

Daddy in a dress is a lot better than daddy in the morgue. Grant her the wisdom to accept Rebecca, even if it takes her some time to do that. Surely at least she deserves the chance?

The fact is that your wife is holding you back from being who you want to be. You'd prefer to incorporate Rebecca into your married life, but for now it seems impossible- change is possible, either together or apart, but only as long as you're still here to make it happen.

Please try to find a therapist, even just a Samaritan- it's what they're there for.

Hugs and best wishes, Nikki

[DIANEF]

Rebecca.
My so called father disappeared when I was three years old, I've never seen or heard from him since. My mother was left to raise three young children single handedly, in 60s Britain that was tough. Growing up I felt the lack of a father figure deeply, every school sports day, every birthday, every time I saw another kid playing football with his dad. Please, please don't let your children suffer the burden of losing you. Even if you do transition they will always be your children. Whatever issues you have, however bleak things seem, there is a way forward. Please take the advice from others here (I am also crying as I write this.)

[Alice Torn]

My friend, two years ago, and a several other times. I was about to end my life. My first and one of my few girlfriends in life, ended her life at age 21. I was 27 at the time, hoping there was a future for us. I was very depressed a while. I never had a wife or kids, just animals. When i saw my cats looking up at me, in love, and need, i had to abort it. A month ago, one morning, i almost got slaughtered on the road, riding my bicycle. A speeding car missed me by about 4 to 6 feet. I was stunned, numb, at such a close call! Glad I am still here, You be here, too, and vent any time you need to. Please keep going one day at a time. Where there is life, there is hope.

[Jesse Six]

Hi Rebecca,
That story hits home... I know that fear of the unknown, that gut-wrenching guilt that I'm the reason our nice family is coming apart. However, life DOES go on after marriage.

I vividly remember that crushing sense of responsibility, that idea that it would be more noble of me to kill myself, than humiliate my family.

Sorry, I'm going to sound harsh: your role as a man was to be a rock, a provider to your family, and to never change. You were taught from the youngest age that boys don't cry, and real men don't care enough to feel good about themselves. Now you broke those rules. Regardless of whether you transition or harm yourself, she WILL think of you as self-centred. You cannot alleviate it by killing yourself. Don't fool yourself into thinking your wife will think you noble, or honor your 'sacrifice'. She will be pissed off, because in the end she's without a husband just the same.

Time heals wounds, and the way you feel right now is not the way you will always feel. Just give yourself that time to heal and think.
In the meantime, start making plans for a life apart.


One of my favorite quotes that got me through the last 2.5 years: "If you're going through hell... keep going!!!"

[Stephanie47]

I hope you are bringing up the act of hurting yourself or worse with you therapist, and, not just the conflict wearing women's clothing is causing. Without perusing your other threads or comments I really do not know, and, I wonder if your wife knows, what the word "transgender" means. Is it just wearing women's clothing as in "I am a vanilla recreational crossdresser," who is trying his or her best to emulate a woman? Or does he really believe he is a she? If you're confused, how about your wife.

I really do not know if I would ever appear as my "womanly" best in front of my wife, even on Halloween, because that may actually burst her bubble. Or her vision of what her man looks like. Many times on this forum I get the feeling that the more a man is denied the ability to express himself as a woman, the deeper the angst becomes. I experienced that many years ago. In my comments I've called it "grabbing some crumbs of time." If there was a few minutes to slink off someplace in the house for ten minutes of "fem time" the world falls apart.

If during therapy you come to the conclusion you are a woman "trapped" in the wrong body at birth, then perhaps each spouse fulfilling his or her inherent inner selves is not a bad outcome. Kids are resilient. Committing suicide will only cause the kids to have more questions that are not going to be answered. Sometimes I think "ending it all" is really a selfish act. You're gone and everyone else has to pick up the pieces.

[Teresa]

Rebecca,

I know first hand how you feel twenty years ago I nearly took my own life, it's was more to do with feeling rejected and unloved through coming out to my wife, please go and seek help, it's isn't worth it.

I went to my GP first and was then sent for counselling, that didn't work out well because my wife wouldn't attend but I was put on Prozac which helped enough to pull me through it. At the time I had my business to run and two kids to educate plus all the other everyday things that have to be taken care of. I did manage to pull out of it, now I my children are grown up and married with children of their own and I wouldn't have missed that for the World .

My Cding hit me badly about three years ago and that's when I joined the forum I wasn't going down that road again, I also made it clear that the hiding had to stop , I needed to be totally open about my dressing needs. I went back to my GP and was sent initially for counselling to check I didn't have suicidal thoughts , that went OK but it wasn't gender counselling so I went on to get counselling for that issue. It helped so much , I now know what I am , I can come to terms with it and finally accept myself. I wrote it all down to get it clear in my own head and then asked my wife if she would read it as she still refused to attend counselling with me. It came to the point where I stated that is where I am with my CDing if it was too far out of her comfort zone then the honest and sensible thing to was separate. We began to work towards that but realised that after 42 years of marriage too many people were going to suffer. So we came to a compromise she knows I'm not gay but can't answer 100% that I'm not TS, in fact she knows I'm very near the line, she still chooses not to see me but accepts I now go out to meet other members of the TG community. She also knows I shop and where my things are stored, she is OK about that.

I know it's not ideal but she still has a husband, my children still have a father and now I have grandchildren to enjoy. My son and daughter know about my CDing as do their married partners, they all know that I have no worries who knows about my Cding, I do accept they still do .

Please hang in there I hope my story may help , I know it's not a perfect bed of roses but it does work, all I can tell you is when you come very close to ending things you never want to go back down that road again . It's better to admit that you have CDing needs and decide if you can stay in a marriage or not, life can still work out if you stick at it.

Anna Kate,
I'm sorry but I don't agree with your comment about it being inexcuseable , when you sink to those depths you don't see it like that. I do feel very sorry for you severe losses, sadly they were accidents which may or may not been avoidable , life is still cruel in those circumstances .

My actions weren't premeditated it happened in a flash, I was going to drive out of a junction in front of a large truck, in the split seconds of my foot going from brake pedal to accelerator a voice in my head called me a selfish b******* ,and said how was that lorry driver going to live with your death ! My thoughts weren't for me or my family . Like I said when you come that close you don't want it to happen again !

[xNicolex]

I think you should really see a therapist, we are able to relate to you but I honestly think professional advice is the best thing for you to cope with the metal stress of all this

[giuseppina]

Hello Rebecca

Suicide is a permanent solution to what is almost always a temporary problem barring terminal illness. I don't think gender issues qualify as a terminal illness.

Both your wife and daughter should be included in counselling. They have their own perspective and issues.

Your wife may want divorce because she cannot be married to a woman or transwoman.

I am not a psychiatrist or even an MD, but it seems to me you may be a good candidate for antidepressants. They are not a panacea and have side effects, but they may be an effective stopgap measure until your issues find some resolution.

I have been suicidal in the past for unnecessary (in my view) psychological trauma; I know what it feels like. I was nonfunctional for a day or two following the Sandy Hook school shooting.

It seems that what you have been doing is not working very well. In my view, it's time for a change in tactics. If you haven't been referred already, a referral to a psychiatrist is a good idea. Your primary care physician can prescribe an antidepressant while awaiting the referral if s/he deems it appropriate. Finding one or a combination that works is, unfortunately, a matter of trial and error, even for psychiatrists. A minimum two month trial is required to assess the effectiveness of a drug or combination of drugs.

A combination of antidepressants and counselling generally works better than one of these in isolation.

Disclaimer: My comments are by no means a substitute for medical advice from your primary care physician or specialist(s).

Edit: That's a very sad story, nvlady, but care must be taken not to blame suicide victims. They make the decision to harm themselves on their own because they see no way out of an intolerable situation, regardless of any help available. There are almost always signs, however subtle, that someone is planning their demise.

[nvlady]

On another forum I was on, about five years ago a girl posted that her daughter had committed suicide. She was extremely torn up about it and seemed to be doing a lot of the right things to get over it and put the pain behind her.
About a year after the daughter was gone, the lady's husband got on the forum and told us that his wife had gone the way of their daughter. In the end it was just too much for her to handle.
I was thinking, but of course I would not post my thoughts, that the daughter had not only killed herself, but had also killed her mother through the pain she had caused her.
If you love your family, think long and hard about what you do. You may cause others to do the same thing.

[rebecca_ns]

A very big hug, and a heartfelt thank you to all who replied, and to one special lady who may have actually saved my life last night. I am in a much better frame of mind today. My wife was home from work today as our 7 year old daughter was sick. While she was home, a new wig showed up in the mail. I came home after work and was scared to death as I saw the package on the island with a customs label that was clearly labeled "wig". To my utter and complete suprise, my wife, in a most cheerful tone, "there's a package on the island for you". It came in today. She never mentioned what it was, but knowing my wife, she would have read the contents. After supper, and after our little munchkin went to bed, she asked to see my new wig. I was clearly hesitant, and asked repeatedly if she was sure. She was. She then asked me to try it on for her. I did, and she was ok with it. So, I went from very suicidal last night, to having a faint ray of hope tonight. Once again, on behalf of myself, my wife and my daughter, thank you to everyone who reached out to me last night in my many hours of need. Also, as a footnote, for those imploring me to seek therapy, I have been doing therapy every fortnight since February. My therapist is wonderful. She has helped me immesurably, but she can't be with me 24/7.

Thanks girls.

[MelanieAnne]

Could you possibly satisfy your needs and urges by going to a motel once or twice a month, and dressing up and going out somewhere, and still be dad to your family? Sort of a DADT situation, your family could possibly live with?

[Tracii G]

I really hate to hear stories like this and yes you both should do therapy together JMO.
I have to ask why can't you be both? You don't have to be one gender or the other.
Find a balance between the two.
Be the Dad and husband you need to be when you need to be one.
Take some girl time for yourself when its needed.
You don't have to go all in or all out.
Taking your own life is drastic and it totally ruins your life but your family's as well.

[kathtx]

Rebecca, I'm glad to hear you got help when you needed it.

People don't just "move on" when a loved one commits suicide. My wife lost a friend to suicide about 20 years ago, and to this day it still haunts her. Please don't do that to your wife and daughter.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Thanks for telling us about last night Rebecca, it's a great relief to hear you speak so much more positively. I'm glad too to learn that you are seeing a therapist and glad too that you came back to the forum last night and saw our replies.

Isn't it bizarre how things can change so quickly?

Do please keep in close touch with us here and let us know how you are doing.

Another hug,

Nikki

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Rebecca, Just a month and a half ago a good friend of mine took the easy out and it was
devastating for the family that he left to deal with it.

This had nothing to do with dressing......

[VivienneH]

Big hugs to you Rebecca. I hope the situation improves. Good luck with everything. Xx.

[phili]

My wife was traumatized by seeing me so happy - and feels guilty and angry and embarrassed and alone and a whole lot of nasty stuff all at once- let's call it the black fog for wives and SOs. It is the mirror image of our reason to dress- others are all in to the two gender idea. It is clear now that there really aren't two genders and the whole thing doesn't work very well for a lot of people, but it all comes down to each person's view of acceptance and survival in their personal and professional network. I'm saying all this because we are still hanging in there a year after a blow to her like the one your wife felt. Both of us understand that somehow the magic of the marriage commitment is that you find a way to have and to hold, cherish and protect each other. The whole CD thing hits deep in the psyche on both sides of the fence, but the challenges like this make a marriage strong. Close the exits,

[CONSUELO]

I have seen three suicides in my larger family. All were devastating to the survivors and even now, a decade or more later, the horrible guilt hangs on because the hanging question is always, " what did I miss. Why didn't i do something? etc. etc." You need to use that therapist to the hilt and your wife needs to be with you.Everything need to come out and be discussed and then you have a chance to work out a solution to help you all move on and find happiness.