Reasons for wives/girlfriends not accepting or participating

[Jessicafreed]

I am a non-passable crossdressing male married to a wonderfully accepting wife. I came out to her about my dressing a year before we were married and it has brought us closer together. At first she would only let me dress at home and only then partially with shoes. Then after a few months of talking with me and reading this forum and others she grew to allowing me to fully dress anytime. She actually makes me dress almost every time we go out and loves going shopping with me and even getting our nails done together. She loves having someone who understands fashion and will give honest advice about outfits and shoes. As with most crossdressers, I dress because I enjoy the clothes and shoes and feeling pretty. I don't dress to go out with guys or for sexual release. She surprised me on our honeymoon by making me dress the entire time, and even allowing me to get acrylic nails.

The question I ask is why do most wives/girlfriends breakup or divorce when they find out their partner crossdresses? Or if they stay together, they make their partner dress when they are not around.

I am a 6'2" 300# masculine male 90% of the time with work and family engagements. My dressing up just gives my wife and I something to do together.

[Alice Torn]

You have very rare lady , extremely rare! ALmost all women want a masculine, strong protective man. Very, very few want an effeminate man, whether they admit it or not. You are likely a good husband, and good communicator. and she loves and respects you. Some will say they are ok with crossdressers, don't want THEIR man doin it! I have not met one yet, that would take me seriously, after i told them about my dressing. There are very rare exceptions/

[redtea]

cuz CDing takes away masculinity which is what most women want in a straight relationship. The ones who don't want to see it just don't find it pleasing to see a man body covered in girly frills.

[sometimes_miss]

Much like the average straight male would find the prospect of kissing and having sex with a male repulsive, I suppose that the average straight women might consider the idea of doing so with another female distasteful. It's a sexual turn off. And for someone like that, if you replace the idea of her masculine partner with the image in her mind of a sissy, it can easily poison the sexual relationship, and the love will go with it. Then it's all over but the divorce proceedings. Been there.

[Krisi]

............... The question I ask is why do most wives/girlfriends breakup or divorce when they find out their partner crossdresses? Or if they stay together, they make their partner dress when they are not around.

Well, this is not a good place to ask that question because we are crossdressers, not the women who left us because of our crossdressing.

I can only guess and my guess is that little girls dream of marrying a prince on a white horse and when they see their "prince" prancing around the house in a tutu and heels, it's a big letdown.

As crossdressers, it's hard to imagine this, but think how a normal man would feel if his wife cut her hair short, bound her breasts and wore a fake beard.

[Rhian]

As crossdressers, it's hard to imagine this, but think how a normal man would feel if his wife cut her hair short

The difference is that a man in a wig takes the wig and clothes off is still an ordinary looking man when the wife wants her man, were as a wife who cuts her hair short will still have short hair when the man wants his woman.

[dolovewell]

Because generations and generations of evolution has wired most females brains to be attracted to masculinity and male brains to be attracted to femininity. There are some expections but for the most part this is the case.

In caveman days, women would only want to select the sperm of the strongest men of the tribe, as that would guarantee the highest chances of survival for her offspring. She wouldn't want to breed with weak men, because he would be less likely to protect the nest from outside threats like animals and attackers from other tribes.

It's why women are attracted to tall men, muscular men, and masculine features, alpha men if you want to call them that. They are biologically programmed to do so.

I am not saying that crossdressing is weak - not at all. What I am saying, is that women will perceive feminine behavior as the opposite of masculine, and to women, masculine is viewed as strength, which is what they are attracted to. So, its a turn off for most women. That's just how it is.

How would you feel if a feminine woman you were attracted to got surgery to remove her breasts, wore a jock strap and put fake genitals in there to simulate a bulge, cut her hair ultra short, and put on a fake beard? I for one would not be attracted to her anymore.

It's an old saying - Men want a trophy, women want a champion.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

I once started a romance with a woman and when I asked her what she valued most in a partner she thought for a while and replied 'honesty'.

A few days later I told her I occasionally like to put on a dress. She asked me 3x if I was joking, then she dumped me.

I think next time someone asks her that question she may decide to reply a little differently.

[Krisi]

The difference is that a man in a wig takes the wig and clothes off is still an ordinary looking man when the wife wants her man, were as a wife who cuts her hair short will still have short hair when the man wants his woman.

I see a lot of short haired women. I don't personally find this attractive, but they are out there. Perhaps I should have said the wife has her hair up under a baseball cap.

And I should have said that the wife was "packing".

[Samm]

why do most wives/girlfriends breakup or divorce when they find out their partner crossdresses? Or if they stay together, they make their partner dress when they are not around.

Hi Jessica, Before we were married, I fessed up to my SO. Well, she basically had to pry it out of me. She knew I was holding on to something. So the day I told her, the only words i could get out were "I like girl clothes"... She stopped for a second, laughed a little, and then said, "is that all?" Our relationship has only grown since then. But I knew when we met that someday, if I told her, she would probably be accepting. I guess I'm one of the few lucky ones.

[Stephanie47]

When my wife and I took our vows more than four decades ago we pledged ourselves in sickness and health and all that stuff. At the time I was out of the army for a brief time. I was 175 pounds and six foot one plus. I had blond wavy hair. My wife was five foot two and in terrific shape. Not just those three measurements, but, physical shape. She was still in the army. Heck, some outsider reading this post will be able to ID me. Oh well. Cross dressing, which I thought I had abandoned years prior, arose in me again. There was some "kinky" bedroom stuff which was just me wearing a nightgown. I told her I love the feel of nylon. Not big deal. We even went shopping for nightgowns for me. Then more started to creep in. One day our three year old daughter open the bottom draw of my amoire and yanked out a vivid red Vanity Fair bra. We had the talk. She was turned off. That was not part of the deal. That was not part of the man she married. It's been DADT for more than thirty-five years. There is a heavy component involved that she has zero desire to engage in same sex activities.

As to the comments concerning women changing their hair style. Going from long to short. Well, unless the woman is trying to emulate a man, then just suck it up and accept the fact she is entitled to change her concept of femininity. My wife just lost all her hair due to chemotherapy. To me she is just beautiful and will always be more feminine than I.

The other big deal is societal norms. Frankly, people just want to fit in somewhere. They do not want to be outsiders.

[Jessicafreed]

You have very rare lady , extremely rare! ALmost all women want a masculine, strong protective man. Very, very few want an effeminate man, whether they admit it or not. You are likely a good husband, and good communicator. and she loves and respects you. Some will say they are ok with crossdressers, don't want THEIR man doin it! I have not met one yet, that would take me seriously, after i told them about my dressing. There are very rare exceptions/

I forgot to mention that I am a 6' tall 300# masculine male about 90% of the time with work and family engagements. If you met me you would never guess that I love wearing skirts and heels. My dressing just gives my wife and I something to do together and have endless topics to talk about. She actually helped me realize it is a part of who I am and not to repress it which would eventually hurt her and our family.

[IleneD]

I'm much like you Jessica (and others). I'm a big man. 6'3",215 lb., older man but in good shape. I have my Man Card punched in every way you can imagine. Played rough sports (football to the small college level, rugby, wrestled competitively until age 30, boxing, etc.) Career military/ fighter pilot. In my own mind and especially in the mind of The Significant Other, I'm a man's man by all outward appearances and life.

I was brutally reminded of this when The SO and I had "The Talk". Of course it's not one Talk, and it went on for days (very well, I add), and out came the clothing and even a few fashion displays for her benefit. The outcome is a good level of acceptance on her part. She's bought me clothes. But she was (and is) still not entirely comfortable with "it".

The one statement that hit hard in The Talk was "I miss my big strong man. I like my men manly." It hit hard because I actually understood where she was coming from. And frankly, it was a good thing to hear. It helped put all of my new dressing-up life into perspective. As my desire to dress more and more blossomed into a Coming-Out, my enthusiasm caused me to make it ALL ABOUT ME. And in many respects, it is all about Me (the dresser), because it's so linked to lifestyle and identity. Of course.

Since then, I've made it a point to not FOCUS on dressing up, in full, a lot. I get my time. But I also remind her that her REAL Man is still here, and always will be. Extra affection. Longer hugs. Yes, you can continue to love your SO the way its always been, as still express that femme side. But I found it important to tend to my marriage and physical relationship even more since she learned.

I was reminded we don't live in a vacuum, especially if you have long existing relationships you value,.... and THEN, you come out to the world. Those aren't disposable, nor should they be. I've found that its wise and makes for a better transition to be honest with each other (first and foremost), and respect the sensitivities of those you trust.

[ellbee]

Sounds like these GG's have yet to evolve...

[Kate Simmons]

My answer is simple. They want to be the woman of the family.They don't want to compete for their husband's attention. This is why my wife left me when I refused to stop dressing.

[Rachael Leigh]

It's a good question and has been said it's hard for us to answer. I mean when our spouse dresses in a tee shirt and jeans
does that make her a man or less of a women? I say no but it is about up bringing. Its something for me is I feel I'm better as a man all be it a bit more feminine but when dressed I'm more observant and more attentive but like it's been said
for most women that's not what they want

[Jenniferathome]

...

The question I ask is why do most wives/girlfriends breakup or divorce when they find out their partner crossdresses? Or if they stay together, they make their partner dress when they are not around...

they don't. Your assumption is wrong.

[Jesse Six]

Hi Jessica,
Looking at the relationships of CD and TS people in my city, there's a stark difference. Closeted CDs can often come to some agreement with their wives. TS women are almost all divorced.

I think it's the degree of 'realism' that bothers women. How it affects your core identity.
If your wife can convince herself that her hubby is still an alpha male, who just has an unusual (and private) hobby, then she can sort of keep the attraction going.
If you start talking about how much you feel like a woman, and how you want the world to hear about it, don't be surprised if her acceptance turns into anger.

[RADER]

My wife was OK with my dressing, even bought dresses and skirts for me to wear.
She had one rule, do not embarrass her by going out side dressed.
I was OK with that, as I could never pass.
We had some great times together, Both dressed and not.
I miss her.
Rader

[Ressie]

Some very good answers here. Dolovewell's historical explanation was very good. But there's another reason for some women. Some women just think it's sick. Some see CDing as a psychotic perversion. The idea of their husband crossdressing is disgusting!

[TrishaTX]

My wife dated a few men before she met me and of course when she met me , she met a guy. I just don't think she was interested in marrying a women or she would be a lesbian. She tolerates some bedroom activity, things in the closet and me going to local parties. I know I would want more but I also think she has given allot. We need to understand their side as well.

[sometimes_miss]

I once started a romance with a woman and when I asked her what she valued most in a partner she thought for a while and replied 'honesty'. A few days later I told her I occasionally like to put on a dress. She asked me 3x if I was joking, then she dumped me. I think next time someone asks her that question she may decide to reply a little differently.

Women want honesty because they don't want to be fooled into falling for a guy who isn't the alpha male he is pretending to be. Getting pregnant with a child of a poor man or someone who won't take care of her winds up being a 20 year mistake, or even the mistake of a lifetime (as she may very well never get the chance to attract another alpha type male and forget managing to get one to marry her) in her mind.

[bridget thronton]

Great wife

[suzanne]

We have inherited a patriarchal society, which has many diverse ramifications. The most relevant one to us is that the hunter/warrior archetype, most commonly called masculine, is considered the desirable trait, while the characteristics we refer to as "feminine" are "less than". Women who venture into tradionally "masculine" behavior are respected, as though they are upgrading themselves. Men who explore their feminine sides are some how downgrading themselves.

Case in point. My daughter, like me, has a mix of both the masculine and feminine in her personality. She has played hockey on boys teams instead of the available all-female teams. She has been a semi pro kick boxer and is now training to be a power lifter. The response she gets from practically everyone is "Way to go! That's pretty cool!" and I believe that's how it should be. But my predilection for dresses and skirts is still regarded so something of a taboo.

[StacyCD]

Change can be hard for some people--acceptance can be even harder. Not too long ago you never saw a woman with a tattoo. Now it's hard to find one without one. When my wife and I had the 'talk' about ten years ago she really didn't understand my need to crossdress. She began as DADT but we have progressed to my being able to dress at home whenever I want. I never thought this day would come. I'm not really sure that she is really accepting--it's more like tolerance but it is so much better than hiding my desire to dress from her.