Extremely Frustrating Day

[AlyssaJ]

Sorry girls but I just need to vent for a minute here since I have nowhere else to air this. Today is a really frustrating day. We're going to a Halloween Party tonight, one that we usually get invited to every year. I'd been looking forward to it for months, had a femme costume all picked out, excited for the one day a year I get to go out and be myself (on a side note isn't it ironic how for most people Halloween is chance to dress-up like something they're not yet for many of us it's our chance to show off part of ourselves). However, a couple weeks ago after we ordered out costumes, my wife asked me to change my costume and not go crossdressed at all. With the recent revelation of my gender identity, she didn't think she could handle it. So in the interests of going slow and helping her deal, I agreed not to.

So of course I'm seriously disappointed. What's worse is I found out the other day that a couple we're friends with is going to be there. I don't think we've even seen the husband in that couple on a Halloween where he wasn't dressed as a woman. Of course he does the obnoxious obvious man in a dress thing and plays it off as funny (I honestly suspect he's a CD trying to hide it). So not only do I get to stew on the fact I didn't get to dress, I get to most likely sit there with him horribly dressed making a mockery of crossdressers, knowing I could have done so much better.

On top of that, we got a few shipments over the last couple days of clothing that my wife and I ordered. She wouldn't open the packages because it had both clothes for her and me, apparently seeing a dress or leggings meant for me is more than she can take. So I separated her stuff, brought it to her, took mine to my private area of the house to try on. For being out of the closet to her, I still get forced to essentially "sneak" around a lot. Came back after confirming the fit of my clothes and she was in our bedroom trying on her new dresses and boots. The outfits looked great (I picked them for her) and I let her know how great she looked in all of it. Also made a suggestion that a pair of black tights would compliment the one outfit and she agreed. But then it hit me. This really sucks. I'd love to have someone give me that kind of compliment. Hell I'd love to be able to try stuff on in front of her at all. Or maybe just be able to gush to her about the shoes I got recently that I just LOVE. But I can't do any of that. Known but not seen situation with her doesn't allow it.

I know she needs time and she's trying, she really is. I don't blame her and I'm not mad at her or anything but it is really frustrating and honestly depressing. Anyone else dealt with similar feelings in either situation. If yes, how would you deal with it?

[rebecca_ns]

I know exactly how you feel. Last weekend I got to be Rebecca in front of people for a whole evening. It was fantastic. Well we are also invited to another Halloween party. I suggested to my wife that we just go in the same costumes as the last party. Her response was "absolutely not!!". She just is not ready for that much Rebecca yet. We just have to be patient. This is a lot for our SO's to process. I know it sucks, but it's just part of the process I guess. Hang in there.

[Rachael Leigh]

Lisa it's not easy at all for our spouses even when we think maybe their coming around and are ok with
it they seem to change. I'm sure it's because it's a defense thing on their part they just can't admit
to themselves this is who their husband is. Nobody else has to deal with this but yet more women do
deal with things like drinking or gambling. This however is just very different for them because so little
info is out there for our wives, I do feel for you and wish I had a good answer in how to handle it but
honestly I don't. Hang in there and just love her
Leigh

[Jesse Six]

Lisa, that sounds very familiar. Went through a few of the "Oh? But I thought you said it was ok if I dressed?" kind of surprises.

Bottom line, women are taught from a young age to be accommodating and keep the peace. My wife (or your wife) was trying to figure out how to keep me happy and by her side, without being humiliated in the process. I was expecting her to share every last feeling with me; she was only telling me what she thought I wanted to hear.

As long as you can give her strong assurances that this is just a hobby, and if you can keep boundaries on this life, she might be able to compartmentalize it and accept you. Keeping it hidden from her friends' circle is important because women are competitive about their husbands... she does not want her friends to start thinking she married a dud, and start pitying her. That's why your friend is getting more leeway - he makes it clear that his dressing is just a joke. That's his defense. When you make it look 'real', people start to wonder, and she fears their judgment.

However, the moment gender identity is on the table, and she feels like the ground is shifting underneath her marriage, those hidden emotions (shame, anger, loss of romantic interest) will come out. I don't have a good resolution for that scenario.

[Rhonda Jean]

No solution here. I know how you're feeling, though. Over the course of 30 years my (ex) wife's acceptance went from 99% to 0. I know that doesn't sound very hopeful to you.

I never crossdressed at Halloween around the kids or our mutual friends. I never even brought it up. I remember how extremely frustrating it was to see her gush over others who were crossdressed at Halloween parties.A couple of times it was kids, which wasn't so bad, but once it was an adult. He went all out. Shaved, cleavage, dressed to the nines. All the women, including my wife, fawned over him. He looked awesome, and I was so jealous and frustrated I didn't want to even be near him. Part of my frustration is that I knew I wouldn't have done it anyway. I would have been afraid of outing myself. The whole thing just burned me up. I feel your pain!

[BettyMorgan]

The last two years I've dressed en femme for Halloween. This year my SO asked me not too. Initially I was disappointed but I'm not going to make a big deal about it. She's come so far in her acceptance of me; encouraged me, made time for me to dress, planned girls weekends out of town, and more. Am I going to make a fuss about Halloween? No. it seems petty, so I won't. I chose to count my blessings instead.

[Rachelakld]

Many women think crossdressers hang around street corners in tarty outfits looking for male clients.
It's quite normal for her to think that as it's the only way it's shown on TV.
My kids go to school with trans kids and are okay with my dressing, as is my wife, but wife still thinks it somehow "refects" on her and not 100% understanding it's a brain issue that has nothing to do with her.

[Krisi]

" With the recent revelation of my gender identity, .............................. "

Many wives will accept that their husband is a crossdresser. I don't know what you told your wife about your "gender identity", but if it wasn't "straight heterosexual male", that's probably the problem. Most wives are going to have trouble with their husbands claiming to be anything other than "straight heterosexual male".

[Teresa]

Lisa,
I would love to share clothes talk with my wife. On one occasion she was ordering some dresses for a cruise, one dress had a large black bow on it, I commented that it was going to overpower her being only 5' 1" and the other was a blue lace dress which looked slightly dated. I made the comments in a very friendly way and sure enough the dress with the black bow was returned and the lace dress never got worn. I think she's beginning to realise I have reasonable dress sense also seeing a few items in a wardrobe in a spare bedroom has definitely changed her thinking towards my dressing. She hasn't said as much , I don't think she knows how to handle it, she can't come out and be open because it's accepting my dressing too much, like you say they aren't going to compliment us on how good we look, but wouldn't it be great if they did !

[AlyssaJ]

I don't know what you told your wife about your "gender identity", but if it wasn't "straight heterosexual male", that's probably the problem.

Umm yeah tell me about it. I am non-binary, very gender fluid, and yes that has been a huge component in the struggles she's having. Up until I personally realized that this was where I fit (and subsequently came out to her) I had always believed and shared with her that my cross dressing was a fetish. We experimented quite a bit with it in the bedroom but it really wasn't something she enjoyed, rather she did to humor me and satisfy my sexual desires. So yes, this is a big part of the problem she's having. The idea that I'm not the man she has always seen me as, finding out that much of my male bravado was merely a role I'd been conditioned to play, an act I put on because anything less made me a pervert and a freak.

So an update on the OP. At the party, I was very relieved to see that the husband I was worried would come in his usual "guy in a dress" style costume didn't crossdress at all. I was able to actually chill out and enjoy the night. Sure I wasn't in the costume I wanted to be wearing but I was still able to have fun. Unfortunately, when I got home, I found out my wife had a hard time really enjoying the night. She told me she was acutely aware all evening that I wasn't wearing the costume I wanted to be wearing and she couldn't get that off her mind. I'm not sure if she was feeling guilty or if the fact that I wanted to be dressed was bothering her. Sadly I should have dug deeper into that.

The next day we got to talking some more and I shared with her my feelings of jealousy about all the CD's who are going out dressed this year and my jealousy that I shared earlier about our new clothes experience. That conversation did not go well. We both got a new pair of slouchy boots. She wore hers to dinner that night to try them out, obviously I did not wear mine but would loved to have. When I shared this with her, she got angry because she felt now she can't enjoy new clothes without making me feel bad. She lashed out a little and all I could do was shrink and wish that I hadn't brought it up.

More roller coaster riding for me. Seems like every up is followed by a down. Really praying that at some point the highs become far more frequent than the lows.

[Stephanie47]

I'm in a DADT marriage. It's been that forever. The only feminine garments my wife has ever seen me wear were negligees when it was all about newly wed bedroom play. When the realization came she became disgusted and has had a lot of angst about my cross dressing. She wants nothing to do with living with another woman as in a simulated same sex relationship.

Anyway, many years ago my wife and I ran into her father and his girl friend on Halloween. They were on their way on Halloween to the Eagles club. He was wearing a dress and wig. He did look like the classic "man in a dress." Later he told us nobody at the club was able to figure out who he was. They all must have been blind as a bat. He and his girlfriend looked as if they were having a great time. Needless to say I was totally envious. Years later I asked my wife whether she remembered it. She says she doesn't, but, I still do.

[josrphine]

Too many of us, this is why it is so important to tell who ever you are dating that you cross dress. It is a lot easier inthe long run. As you know we never get over the urge, so fess up right off the bat . It will make your an hers life easier. Jo

[Tina_gm]

Lisa, although you and I have some differing opinion, I can tell you that Myou wife and yours seem to be very similar in how they are reacting.

Last Halloween I went as a witch. Long black dress, long black wig, black 4"heeled boots, make up of course. She felt because it was Halloween and that I wasn't just going as a female, but of a certain type, she could handle it. I of course was hoping this to be a bit of an ice breaker of sorts, as well as enjoying a full day of dressing and in public.

Needless to say only one of us enjoyed ourselves. 50-50 odds as to guessing who that was....

If- I was not a cder she probably would not have had any problems with it. I'm guessing anyway, but it was all about what it meant that I was dressed. You said it right, others dress to be someone else. We who cd on Halloween are in fact dressing more as ourselves.

This completely backfired on me. And her too I guess. She did not expect to have the hard time she did. To the point of feeling physically sick. (I was all but oblivious at the time) and I bet you can guess that didn't help matters either. As the days wore on after, it all finally came out about her struggling. That was one very long and difficult discussion.

This year I decided to forgo any Halloween activities. I know last year will be on both our minds and I've come to really feel horrible about last year. I should have known better.

I actually get a good deal of acceptance from my wife in regards to my femininity. But for her the visual of dressing is something she cannot handle. It doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me, how she seems mostly ok with my general femininity, mannerisms personality traits.... dressed is a big game changer. And I've come to accept this, as difficult as it is at times.