CD as SO Competition

[Julie MA]

My wife came at me with an article "Top 10 Reasons Wives Divorce Their CD Husbands". Yikes. She said she didn't want divorce but related to some of those reasons. One stood out: SOs/wives can see competition from the other woman (our CD selves) we spend time creating, improving, buying clothes for, and spending time as. Hmmm. I get it

Good discussions ensued. In the end she said, as we did when we first dated, that she wants to grow old together. I agreed, and said we could go have our nails done together. She laughed. Keeping it light as she adjusts to the other woman in her life.

[Jenniferathome]

I'd be really curious about the source of this "article."

Women here laugh at that assertion, and I agree. There is no competition. Our wives are genetic women and we are genetic men. There is no contest. What women here report with great frequency is the lying and self absorbtion that comes with some cross dressers as THE chief problem.

And I'll add that cross dressing is not the reason divorce occurs. It may be the straw that broke the camel back but it's only one thing in a million things that make a relationship. Divorce happens when you have a bad relationship.

[ClosetED]

From the amount of time and money other husbands spend on football/baseball/soccer/golf/boat/car/gambling/etc, I am not sure that CD husbands are using that much time/attention or money in comparison. In exchange, they get someone who is much more considerate of their viewpoints than non-CDer husbands. My guess is also much less likely to be physically violent.
So I don't buy the argument, unless they focus on those who expend sexual energy on the effort and leave little for SO.
IMHO,
Ellen

[Julie MA]

Competition for attention and time perhaps? Similar to the feeling when one partner is self absorbed...?

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Found the article in sisterhouse.net. Not judging the source, just found the competition angle interesting

[Jaylyn]

My wife and I agreed on my CD only if I wouldn't take it to extremes. Examples going out, embarrassing her, or even gender change. She said she married a male and she didn't want a female partner. I agreed to these terms. Besides I couldn't compete with her about the gender part even if I had the change. She said she feel in love with a rough old farm boy and she want to grow old with the person she married, as with your wife's statement also.

[Dana44]

I think there has to be trust and when we go out I always tell here how well she looks and she tells me what I need to do to pass. So, it is a nice thing to be with your woman and sometimes just be girly friends but do not over do it.

[nikkiwindsor]

Shortly, I'll be having a deeper conversation with my wife about my feminine psyche. I'll let you know what I learn. However she feels is how she feels. And no one can challenge how someone feels. I'm thinking each relationship is unique and you cannot paint broadly how a SO feels about her CDing spouse.

[docrobbysherry]

There's definitely some truth to that, Julie. Certainly for me, anyway. I stopped online dating a couple of years ago. Because the 50/60 y/o women I was meeting couldn't compete with Sherry!

Sherry's not very stimulating company. But, when it's time for pleasure with this old man, she always seems to know just what I want!

[Lorileah]

and who wrote the article (woman or CD?)? I don't think competition is a reason for divorce. I also don't think crossdressing is the primary reason people get divorced either (there are usually more reasons, some may be associated with dressing, like lying, cheating, putting your SO at risk with behaviors). But not competition. Unless you are saying that the So has to compete for your time and attention

[Tina_gm]

I'd be really curious about the source of this "article."

Women here laugh at that assertion, and I agree. There is no competition. Our wives are genetic women and we are genetic men. There is no contest. What women here report with great frequency is the lying and self absorbtion that comes with some cross dressers as THE chief problem.

And I'll add that cross dressing is not the reason divorce occurs. It may be the straw that broke the camel back but it's only one thing in a million things that make a relationship. Divorce happens when you have a bad relationship.

Jennifer I do agree in principle to what you say here and in general about divorce and all that. I especially agree about how those who are male identified CDers basically could never really compete with GG's. But, there ARE exceptions to all of these. 1st, you always make the assumption that an A+ husband will be able to overcome CDing due to his being A+. Except, not all women are even wanting the A+ husband. Some actually seem attracted to disasters for whatever reason. I am not even talking the "bad boy" but just disasters. And, there ARE women who simply will say NO WAY to transgender anything, no matter how light. Not many, but they do exist.

Yes, divorce almost always happens for a number of reasons, almost always, not always though.

[Ally 2112]

My x did think of Ally as the competition she told me years later after the break up .Also it was not the only reason we split although it was a big part of it

[sometimes_miss]

And I'll add that cross dressing is not the reason divorce occurs.

Maybe not for all of us, but it was for me.

[Micki_Finn]

To Jennifer and Gendermutt: I don't think the article was saying that the CD husband is getting all the attention from men and brute competing that way. It's saying that the wife has to compete with the husband's other self for time with the husband. E.g. Jane married Bob but Bob spends all his time being "Brenda", so Jane feels she needs to "compete" with "Brenda" for Bob's time.

What isn't clear from the post is how many of these women are DADT? I know my wife doesn't feel like she's competing because we've incorporated Micki into our relationship. The best marriage advice I ever got was that Human beings are constantly growing. The trick to an enduring marriage is to grow together. By "banishing" ones husband's activity, they are creating a scenario in which the husband is growing separately from his spouse and one day she's going to wake up and experience "I don't know who you are anymore."

[Cheryl T]

I don't get it....
This is not a competition with my spouse. It is not an attempt to fulfill something lacking in her or in our marriage.

I was dressing when she was 3 years old. I had my own first full outfit with wig and makeup when she was 13. We didn't even meet for years after that. How could this possibly be about her??
I used to "steal" time from her to dress. She would want to go shopping and I would tell her I hated it and would stay home just so I could have an hour to myself. After I came out to her all that stopped. We spend nearly every minute we are not working together. We share clothes, we share makeup tips, we share EVERYTHING now.

It's transformed me from being selfish and wanting time alone to dress to being able to share ALL of me with her. Her understanding and acceptance has brought me out of my hiding place and given me the freedom to be me in all ways, at all times always WITH HER!!

If that is a reason to divorce then others don't know what they are missing by allowing us to open our most secret selves to them and be so much more with and for them.

[AllieSF]

I did not read the total article but the premise has some merit. As Micki said, it can be a competition for personal time and attention. It can also be that the male CD may actually look and present better than the SO. I am not talking about passing 100%, but rather, the body shape, clothes selection and even the ability to wear and look decent in younger women's styles that the SO cannot anymore due to her body shape. You know and may have heard it when out interacting with the real world, "Oh, I wish I had your legs, or figure!". On top of that, I have read several times over the years some GG's here or their CD partners who are members here, have expressed just those words. Most of the time without much definition as to what she really means. Contrary to what some here like to believe, there are no absolutes in life but death!

[ReineD]

http://www.sisterhouse.net/familyroo...-divorce-them/

They list 10 reasons that crossdressers’ wives divorce them, and you’re referring specifically to #3 (and also a bit in #8):

#3 - Lack of Identity in the Marriage – When a cross-dresser reveals his fem side, he is now competing with his wife for attention. It takes an exceptionally confident woman with a strong identity as a woman to not look at her husband as competition. She starts to wonder what her role is in all of this.

They’ve got this all wrong! They think that wives are competing with their husbands for male attention. In the article, next to this item is a tiny picture that shows a CDer who at this pic size does pass as a woman. Trouble is, few CDers pass as women and most wives aren’t looking for attention from other men, and so there’s nothing to compete for! Now maybe the husband wants male attention, but he won’t be competing for it with his wife if she is happy in her marriage.

But, some wives do feel as if they are in competition with the crossdressing itself (the activity) for their husband’s attention. Some wives feel as if their husbands pay way more attention to themselves dressed or they are too engrossed in the processes involved with achieving the look, than the husband appreciates his wife - which the author does mention in reason #4.

So for the most part, I’d say that #3 is wrong, unless of course the wife becomes unhappy because she thinks that her husband dresses the way he does because he wants to attract men. I cannot imagine any wife being OK with that, no matter how self-confident she is.

I also think the author messed up on several other points:

#1 - a wife’s unexpressed anger. If a wife is angry, it is because she doesn’t want to be married to a CDer … and not because her anger is unexpressed. There are many women who have no issue with expressing their anger. While it is true that some wives try to accept and they eventually find they cannot, this is secondary to their anger over being married to a CDer.

#2 - the wife cannot see her husband through the dress. I’d say that most wives do see their husbands through the dress and what they’re turned off with, is the sight of a man in a dress.

#7 - peer pressure. They make it sound as if peer rejection is all in the wife’s mind, as if her fear of people judging them negatively is a figment of her imagination. CDers who out themselves to friends and family are often not aware of the comments made to the wife behind a CDer’s back. Like it or not, there are few pockets in our population where the CDing is accepted to the degree they make it sound here. While of course strangers don’t care when they see a CDer in the wild (the CDing has no impact on the stranger’s life), and obviously TG peers will accept, it is another matter entirely when it hits close to home with friends and family.

#8 - competing with another woman in her marriage. They’re repeating #3 using different words and again, they’ve got it wrong. While it is true that hetero wives are by definition not attracted to women, few wives of CDers see their husbands as GGs (I’m speaking of wives of CDers and not wives of TSs). They know their husbands are male and if a wife is turned off, it is because she is turned off the idea of an effeminate man (shaved legs, breast forms, lipstick, etc). The author here also seems to imply that a wife feels "threatened" with the idea of competing with another woman in her marriage. If a wife feels threatened, it is because she feels her marriage is threatened due to all the attention her husband is taking away from it and from her.


I do agree with points #4, #5, #6, #9, and #10.

[Judith96a]

Women here laugh at that assertion, and I agree. There is no competition. Our wives are genetic women and we are genetic men. There is no contest.

Objectively, most of the time there is no competition. However, some crossdressers are blessed with better genes than their wives and, in these rare cases, there may be actual competition. Also, the objective reality and what the crossdresser's wife perceives may be two different things - she may perceive a contest where, objectively, there is none. We're all capable of that!

[ReineD]

Judith, competition for what? The article speaks about competing for men's attention. Certainly they aren't competing for women's attention, because women aren't turned on by off-shoulder or bustier dresses like men are. lol. And so if a wife is happy in her marriage, she won't want to compete (with any GG or CDer) for any other men than her husband. If she is NOT happy in her marriage and she wants the attention of other men, then she shouldn't be married, to a CDer or otherwise.

Does this make any sense?

[mykell]

this is the articles source, terry lee ryan ......and i know there were members here who could not deal with the CDers self absorption and obsession with said activity and left them, so as much as they loved them and accepted CDing they left them because of CDing and then we have the other CDers that are here that regularly remind us that they failed to find the rose colored glasses that some wear here.

i understood the frustration that they could feel competing for attention, not a pageant competition.......the need for the man they married, the fawning and attentiveness that may wane as the acceptance from our spouses lends us to drift a little to far into the pink fog and our débutante freedom lets us obsess on our new found freedom, this may be the competition they speak of. also I have read some dumbass statements and ideas here. walking papers were in order.

also we dont know the players of this other watering hole as we do of the folks we have come to know here so we have a whole different sect of opinions and personalities that we are unfamiliar with. so although they accept that we CD they cant overcome the time and energy we put into it and how it affects the normalcy that the relationship had before, all assumptions on my part.....