Are you in denial ?

[Teresa]

I didn't want to hi-jack Deebra's thread , " Wonder what makes ?" but I had to ask the question after reading some of the replies are some members in denial ?

I know I'm asking this from my own point of view and it relates to how much of a rocky road has it been for you. All I know is since the age of 8-9 years I've had a gut feeling that has gnawed at me every day since. For some that are gender fluid and maybe in an accepting realtionship with their partner the need to know may not be as important.

The feeling I get from some members is they are reluctant to use certain words as if they're talking about someone else , even questioning if they are CDers at all. Lets face it we are all adults and as Cders do something slightly strange compared with most men, to apparently ignore the why's and wherefores has to be a denial of that part of our being. " I go out dressed but when I return it all goes back into the closet and I return to my male state " . There has to be an explanation for that and I find it unfair that you don't try and understand it for yourself so you can explain it to your partner. Don't you find it insulting to your wife and family to try and brush it off as lightly as you do, they may appear to be OK about it but possibly don't want to upset you.

I might be in a DADT situation but I'm sure my wife appreciates that I've done my best to find out what makes me tick to assure her that I'm not gay and don't want to transition. She knows that I'm bi-gender and I have GD , looking back she knows she gave me a tough time finding it all out by facing counselling alone.

I'm sure some members reading this may say I'm the one in denial and suppressing the TS thoughts, I do know the line is very thin for me, I just feel it's about as good as it gets for me at the moment taking my age into account.

I do wonder if you posted Deebra's question in the TS section how different the answers would be, maybe some TSs would like to give us their opinion.

[NicoleScott]

Since I was old enough to be left alone in a library, bookstore, or magazine stand, I read all I could find about crossdressing (especially fetish-driven) in everything from psychologhy case-studies to Penthouse Forum letters. At first it was an attempt to find out what's wrong with me, why am I different (not just different, but the only one). I'm no longer distressed at being a CDer, knowing how common it is, but I still have that curiosity. It's been a lot more fun since accepting it. I have no solid answers, but here's where I'm leaning: just as there is no single way to express the desire to crossdress, there is no single cause. Some have strong feminine identities and some have sexual responses to women's wear. Some may have been born with such tendencies while others were shaped by some early life experience(s).
I can't explain it to my partner becsuse I don't know. I can only attempt to answer why questions with what, how, where, and when answers.

[dolovewell]

Am I in denial about being TS? Probably. But, I always play out the scenario in my head time and time again and I always end up with the conclusion that actually being trans and transitioning isn't ideal for me.

In a vacuum and perfect world, I would transition, but that is not the real world.

[Lily Catherine]

I'm not eliminating any possibility that I might well be in denial and unaware of it. I've painted my behaviour as a series of learned habits that I tried to unlearn, only to have them racing back to me - perhaps by way of poor self-servitude, a disobedience to the devout, stoic and conservative future self ("excellence is a habit") I wanted to be in my environment. I don't feel comfortable with my body, okay as I am with my social role (once again, another habit in the vein of Will Durant).
I've considered transition, but am aware that it's a grave and life-changing process - I wouldn't press that button unless I were sensibly sure that I needed to, given my circumstances. Religious matters (which I don't consider 'baggage' but a worthy cross to bear) also play an extremely significant role in withholding my decision at this point.

[dolovewell]

Lily I could not have said it better myself. The life changing permanence of transition coupled with family and religious matters(which I too consider a worthy cross to bear, not baggage) are why I have withheld any decision to take the step toward transition.

[Teresa]

I must correct the misunderstanding , my question is are you in denial of just accepting the labels of CDing not about transition, I guess if you have thoughts on that feel free to give a view.

When Deebra posed the question I felt some members are reluctant to accept the notion that they are CDers so the need to explain it is irrelevant ,so are they in denial ?

[CarlaWestin]

All good responses. I think I've simply arrived at a good point of truth and self acceptance of the true male that I am, complete with limitations. I also feel gifted that I can enjoy occasionally stepping through the looking glass and experiencing my perception of being a female image. Something that I know most of my male counterparts would never do. On the other hand, I have no desire to leave my wife at home while I golf, fish, hunt, drink, screw around, etc... None of which I have any desire to do. And, as far as the family impact goes, my CD'ing is not going to be a convenient punching bag for other issues.
DADT has a side dish of keep your comments to yourself.

[Tracii G]

I have no reason to be in denial.
I am me and I don't hide it.

[Giselle(Oshawa)]

i am probably in denial, but what transitioning ( i am 61) would do to my family is too much of a cost

[sometimes_miss]

Gee, are some people in denial? Of course. Read my sig. Explains it quite easily.

[DIANEF]

Am I in denial?, no I don't think so. I accepted a very long time ago who and what I am. Of course I went through the 'why' process, most of us do, but I don't have an answer and probably never will.
'I get dressed and then it all goes back in the closet'
Well, my explanation for that is that I am still in the closet, and even if my wife knew the chances of acceptance would be virtually zero.
Dolovewell posted that in an ideal world transitioning would be an option. That goes for me also but I don't live there, far from it. When I get the chance to dress I sometimes, at the end think, OK, times up and its fine. Other times I really want it to carry on and it depresses that it can't. Maybe that's what I need an explanation for.

[Pat]

So if I deny that I'm in denial, does that make me in denial about being in denial? Too meta. This seems like one of those questions that is often a problem on this site. They almost all are based on deciding for someone else how they feel. You can't do that. You might not agree with their self-assessment but there is no place for you to say that they are wrong. You can accept them or reject them but you can't answer for them.

I say I'm non-binary. Some people say there's no such thing and that I'm a TS in denial. Should they feel they can correct me? Absolutely not. Life is long and there's no predicting what I'll find at the end of my path. Maybe one day I'll say, "Wow! I really am TS!" Does that mean I should have listened to them? No. If they think their opinion should carry weight in my life, they are in denial.

[ellbee]

I must correct the misunderstanding , my question is are you in denial of just accepting the labels of CDing not about transition, I guess if you have thoughts on that feel free to give a view.

When Deebra posed the question I felt some members are reluctant to accept the notion that they are CDers so the need to explain it is irrelevant ,so are they in denial ?

I've seen it here from various members in the past.

Some get the erroneous impression that in order to be considered a "crossdresser," you have to put on the whole get-up, from head-to-toe, making yourself look like a female in every (temporary) way possible.


"But I just wear panties, pantyhose & heels! I'm not a CD'er! I just have a fetish!"

Yeah, okay.


I believe some are in denial & really don't want that label, perhaps because they're scared of how much further they might end up going down that rabbit-hole.


As for those who don't even bother to try to explain *why* they do this? I've explored that a LOT in the past. There was no one right answer. I came up with dozens & dozens -- but even then, it still didn't even explain it fully. So, I just sort of gave up. Not a denial -- but just a surrender to the impossible. I'd much prefer to spend my time & energy on other things.

And yes, regardless of where we are on the spectrum of all this, I believe we were mainly born this way, as well as probably some things out of our control which happened during the first few years of our lives which simply solidified it.

[KellyJameson]

Hope you do not mind a response from someone on the other side of the fence.

Women try to avoid the label while men fear the label pervert. To be a man with a fetish is to risk being labelled a pervert and the fear of a label is also the fear of "being" the label.

There are crosses to bear for both men and women from being born as such. Part of this is in relation to ones own sex and part is in relation to our relations with the opposite sex. Men are defined primarily by other men and than by women, where women are defined by other women and than by men.

Most men who CD (including John Wayne) would define themselves as heterosexual. It is interesting how many who cross dress talk about how it relaxes them. I suspect crossdressing is an escape from the pressures of being a man. For a transsexual women these pressures are absent from her life as to those pressures she feels from trying to build and keep a image of herself as a man among men.

The more a man tries to be a man the more of a burden he must bear while also bearing the burden of his sexuality (which is great)

It is clear for men, one of the most potentially destructive forces in their own life is the sexuality that they are born with from being born male. This is largely absent other than unwanted pregnancy in women's lives.

Men and women are destructive in different ways, not only to themselves but to society (others)

To associate perversion with women is unusual. When you hear the word pervert you think of men. Society fears how men and women will abuse the power of sex in different ways. Unwanted pregnancy versus rape as an example.

The male is universally more destructive than the female because he is more powerful (capable) and this is clearly bound up in their sexuality. You can sense the collective guilt that makes men defensive when you try to talk about it.

It is a societal taboo subject, just as child abuse done by women/mothers is.

All people struggle with the image they hold of themselves in relationship to all other people as to those groups of people they identify with and want to belong to.

A heterosexual male has an image to protect just as a homosexual male has an image to protect and these two groups are often in conflict because to reward one is to often punish the other.

Crossdressers fear labels and loss just as all people do. The labels may differ but the impact does not.

We are social creatures and we pay a price for that to the degree we are or are not concerned about how others will react to us or how we will feel about ourselves based on our behavior and actions in regards to others.

[CynthiaD]

No, I'm not in denial. I gave that up a long time ago. I'm female. TS if you will. I'm not planning on physical changes, although the idea is appealing. It wouldn't change anything, apart from my legal status. Besides, my age and medical condition make for a bad risk.

[deebra]

Want to know how I know I'm not in denial, just look at all the bras, panties and hose in my dresser drawers and female clothing in my closet. The tooth fairy sure didn't put it there. Then there's what I am wearing right now, and wore yesterday and the day before and tomorrow and the next day......................

[CONSUELO]

Teresa is asking a rather complicated question. What is it that she thinks we are denying. When I was a lot younger I was in denial. I thought that I just had a fetish for lingerie and even argued that point with a transvestite friend of mine. I now realize that I fit the description of a fetishistic transvestite. I feel comfortable when dressed. I feel comfortable and secure when wearing lingerie full time and not the accepted clothing of males. I love being dressed as it does feel sexually exciting as well as very comforting. I have asked myself many times whether I would like to transition and the answer has always been that I do not want that. I am comfortable hanging on to the remnants of my maleness but prefer to display as many female characteristics as I can. Would I live more of my life in female mode? Sure, if that were practical which it isn't for most of us trying to earn a living and raise a family.
I'm sure that we all go through denial, especially in our youth. We think we will grow out of it or change if we enter a relationship with a female. As we mature we understand that none of these things will happen. It is not a hobby that one day we shall grow bored with and consign to the cupboard along with the stamp collection.
I don't think that most of us here treat our "condition" lightly. It is a struggle for us to understand it as the medical profession has no real explanation.

[Lana Mae]

I did not understand it when I was younger. It was a sexual thing for the most part. Now, that I am older and understand who and what I am. No, I am not in denial!! I am me-male and female-both me!! I can wear male clothes or female clothes or a combination of both and it is still me! Lana Mae is just a reference to the female side as distinct from the male side. No big deal!! Hugs Lana Mae

[Becky Blue]

Its a really good question and probably many of us are in denial to an extent. I love the fact that I am somewhere on the gender continuum, I love having/being Bec and I am proud of who I am and the gift that she is to me. But I am more in the closet than out so does that mean I am in denial or is it simply being practical?

[AlyssaJ]

This is exactly what I'm trying to figure out with my therapist. I started off believing my crossdressing was a fetish. There was sexual arousal associated with it and in my late teens and early 20's when I really started to explore the Internet for information, the only two options really out there were Transexual or Fetish. Very little in between. As I've aged, I learned it was more a part of me than just a sexual fantasy. More recently, the concept of non-binary gender identity came to light and really seemed to fit what I was feeling.

That said I do still wonder and am exploring whether there is still more that I'm denying. When I think about reasons why I wouldn't want to fully transition, they usually seem to come back to some kind of logistical or practical reasoning rather than an emotional connection to my male identity. On the flip side, the reasons to transition seem to be exclusively emotional since of course transitioning would be anything but practical or easy. So I'm trying to figure that out. So far through therapy I have found at least some connections to my male identity that go beyond just practical reasoning. So that to me is a sign that I might still be on the right track. However, there is much progress still to be made.

So I think you bring up a good point here. I do see comments from some of the self-identified "CD Only" people here that make me believe they are probably in denial. I don't fault anyone for that or feel they're being unfair to anyone other than themselves. But I do fear that at some point they will have a revelation and things could get pretty rocky or they may regret that they hadn't found out sooner. Personally, in some ways I wish I had identified this sooner. I would love to be 20-something and looking at possibilities for my transition (I mean transition in the open sense of non-binary all the way up to TS, not necessarily full transition). On the flip side is, had I found out when I was 20 something, the WPATH standards and knowledge of non-binary gender identity were not ready to support that so I'd have probably ended up identifying as TS as the defacto answer.

[SarahSerene]

Very interesting thread! I have transitioned from "in denial" to "open minded", under the guidance of my very good therapist. My intent is to lay my cards on the table with her, talk straight and honestly, and see where this process leads. I have faith that her and I are gonna "figure me out!"

I did dip my toes into the realm of permanence lately with both laser and a first electrolysis session. After one or two sessions if I wanted to I could back out (my beard has never been that solid anyway). Instead, with every little zap I found myself saying with pleasure "goodbye forever!" to those hairs. If I was still so connected to my maleness I think that wouldn't have ever been considered. To me at the very least that step is acceptance that I hate my beard and that I'll want to have an easier time using makeup for the rest of my life.

DLW (love the new avatar by the way - whew!) and Lily - I feel recently I have reconciled my path with my faith for the most part. I still am feeling my way through that process but at least I have turned a corner. I could go into it more but don't want to turn this into a religious commentary.

[Tracii G]

Laurababe used the "rabbit hole" term and I always found that term used by people that were in denial.
People always seem to want to blame a fictional "rabbit hole" for their actions or behavior like CDing just to cover it up.
I know what the term means to some but when you make the choice to CD how far you want to go is your choice not some so called rabbit hole you fell in and it forced you to go too far.
Self accountability seem hard for some.

[docrobbysherry]

Maybe u say potahto and I say potayto, Teresa?

What u can "denial" I call; "confused", "a work in progress", or "not clear yet".

When I began dressing out of the blue about 20 years ago, I thot I wanted fem breasts and even fantasized about SRS. Altho I was unfamiliar with the term transexual, I think I was one. And, because of my sudden fantasies of being a woman with men, I thot I had become gay.

It took me nearly 10 years to work out my interest was in becoming a female and I had/have no attraction to men. (When I came out of the closet online. Here and other sites).

It took over 12 years to work out that I am not a TS and don't have a "female side" hidden inside me.

I figured out am a CD, period, after being out online 5 years here. And, now I've become all wrapped up in creating fantasy stories starring Sherry.

If it's taken me nearly 20 years to work all this out? Why couldn't other be going thru their own discovery and ongoing development process?


To me? Denial is when someone says they r straight but attracted to men when dressed.
Or, have no fetish, r lazy and sloppy, but enjoy house cleaning in a sexy maids outfit.
Or, don't have a panty fetish but post in every panty thread how many and what colors they have. On and on about an item no one else sees or cares about.

[Nikki.]

I think most of us use it to convey a journey into the unknown, ala Alice in Wonderland. Not a rabbit hole where one hides stuff.

Laurababe used the "rabbit hole" term and I always found that term used by people that were in denial.
People always seem to want to blame a fictional "rabbit hole" for their actions or behavior like CDing just to cover it up.
I know what the term means to some but when you make the choice to CD how far you want to go is your choice not some so called rabbit hole you fell in and it forced you to go too far.
Self accountability seem hard for some.

[Tracii G]

Sherry straight but attracted to men when dressed is denial IMO too.
I'm sorry but when people say something like that I have to do a facepalm and say Oh really?

Nikki I didn't mean a place to hide stuff
I know its like a pit of unknown but no one is forcing you to do anything you don't want to do or how far you go.
People like to make up excuses.