Why are we so judgmental?

[AlyssaJ]

This has been bothering me on this forum for a while now, there's a whole lot of Holier Than Thou, you're not CD, Trans, etc. enough going on in recent posts. It's childish and shameful. Seriously, where does this garbage come from? Some examples. A person posts about the irony of wearing women's underclothes while doing a decidedly manly task. The responses? "That's not ironic because no clothes are showing" and "grow your own boobs because forms are a cop-out", etc. Or how about the person that posts about being nervous going out for a drive while dressed and gets blasted with (and I'm paraphrasing here) stop being a chicken, you're a coward if you're not going out fully femme in day light and interacting with others. Or my favorite, someone posts about non-binary transition including HRT and gets the "HRT is a binary thing, if you're going on HRT its because you're trying to be a woman".

What gives people? We are a community that is supposed to be here to support each other are we not? We're brought together by common needs and identities that society at large considers unacceptable, unpalatable, freakish or even perverse. So who are we to be judging one another? I came to this board a few months ago looking for a place to chat with like-minded, like-identified people who would be friendly an open. And for the most part, that's what I've found. But there are some posts out there that I find atrocious in their judgment, in their negation of others' experiences, in their close-mindedness.

I'm not suggesting that we shouldn't challenge each other. I'm not suggesting that disagreement is bad, quite the opposite really. However, I have to really wonder where this crap is coming from. We seem to have lost sight of the fact that we're all on our own journey, we're all in different stages of that journey, and while you may think that someone who is not as far along is naive and bothersome, it's still a big deal for them. I'm also wondering if some of the garbage like that is coming from people who are faking it on the forum. In other words, exaggerate or outright lie about the level to which they're out, the experiences they've had, etc. in order to prop themselves up further by putting others down.

So here's a big WTF? I'm really becoming disappointed with some people who early on I thought were role models for the rest of us. I see that bullies exist here just like in the real world, so apparently this is not much safer a place (except here we're separated by miles and relative anonymity). Can we please stop falling into the same judgmental cesspool that often infects the LGBT community as a whole and instead remember that we're all people here with similar but also different experiences, needs, desires, etc. and as such treat each other with a basic level of respect?

[Lorileah]

different people, different perspectives. You say either, I say banana. As long as the headbutting doesn't get personal, it is allowed.

[Jenniferathome]

So you boiled it down to "respect." How about just calling out someone who you believe has disrespected you and/or another?

[Lana Mae]

I agree with you, Lisa!! Some of the threads just went to pieces with everyone putting each other down! As you said, we are all on this journey but at different stages! Like my daughter says, don't blow out someone else's candle to make yours appear to shine brighter! Peace everyone! We are all in this together. Hugs Lana Mae

[Rachael Leigh]

Lisa thank you and well said, I sometimes wonder based on my experience that I try to be to open and encouraging to those who may not be ready or who are not on my path.

Yes we all are very different and should do our best to support and give virtual hugs to those here. This part of us is not easy so yes this should be a friendly place and mostly it is. I've many virtual friends here and do hope I'm able to meet a few someday
Hugs Leigh

[ellbee]

Speaking of which, this OP makes me feel like I'm being judged.



(I'm kidding! )



And yeah, I see that sometimes -- not only here, but on *any* kind of forum (CD-related or otherwise).

Just the nature of the interwebz, and of people, in general.

[DIANEF]

Whatever view you have on any subject, someone will have a contrary view and WILL let you know about it. Voicing an opinion is fine, telling someone they must or must not do something isn't.

[suzanne]

It's been a puzzlement to me as well. For a group that has generally experienced some sort of ostracision in their lifetime for their feminine tastes, some are remarkably quick to throw others under the bus. There definitely needs to be more empathy and support. As well as the recognition that everyone is unique. No one should be thinking that their personal tastes represent a one size fits all solution for anyone else.

In that vein, I want to apologize to anyone who has felt undue pressure from me to dress shop in person. For me, it is a favorite activity in which I feel completely at ease, and want everyone else to know the same joy and freedom. But I do understand that some have not reached that comfort level yet and may not for quite some time. My intention was to be encouraging without pressuring. Sorry.

[ReineD]

In your examples, actually calling someone a chicken or a coward is indeed a put-down and you should just ignore people who cannot state their opinions without putting someone else down. I should think that the bulk of respondents in any given thread don’t resort to name-calling, and hopefully, noticing this would restore your faith in the membership. But, the other statements you cite are personal opinions and not put-downs. It’s not a put-down to say that someone is binary or a woman, or to point out that no one sees underwear. And you do say that it is OK to voice opinions and disagree.

Your own characterizations, however, are borderline put-downs if you don't mind me pointing this out. You say they are childish and shameful. You call them garbage. So maybe everyone should just read their posts a few times with an objective eye, before actually posting.

Still, I don’t think that most people here mean any harm even when they are upset. The topics discussed here are, after all, emotionally charged for many of our members and people do say things when they are angry that they don't really mean.

[Stephanie Voorhees]

Well said lisa-wb... Well said.

[Kate Simmons]

Evidently some people have a lot of issues Hon. I don't have any. My outlook has always been just be yourself and live and let live. Works for me.

[Dana44]

Well said Lisa, I do try to be positive at all times. But I think there are so many from other cultures here that it gets heated sometimes.

[Anne K]

I'm also wondering if some of the garbage like that is coming from people who are faking it on the forum. In other words, exaggerate or outright lie about the level to which they're out, the experiences they've had, etc. in order to prop themselves up further by putting others down.

Thanks for the honesty, Lisa. I have wondered the same thing. For the most part prefer to PM a member than broadcast my thoughts to everyone.

[Stephanie47]

My recommendation is to just call the person on it. Society as a whole seems to be polarizing on any and every issue. And, the decibel levels seem to arise too.

[Teresa]

Lisa,
Most people reply hoping to offer help and advice, some do appear to be here to ruffle feathers, which is difficult to take when you first join, I know I've logged off in the past sometimes thinking it was the last time I would log on. After a while the harsh comments and advice are no bad thing, they jerk you back to the real world when the pink fog is creeping in. In the past I've used Loved Ones section when I didn't want to reveal certain facts on the open forum, after a short while I renamed it the Reality Zone, some of the replies were a real hard kick up the backside, no bad thing it did make me see sense when seeing things from my wife's point of view .

Look at this way many of us have been CDing a very long time, before anything was on offer , no internet and no forum, we have had to deal with it the hard way if we come over a little strong sometimes it's because we have had to find others ways of dealing with it, OK to put it bluntly we faced it with considerable backbone, all we're trying to do is help new members find some strength.

[AllieSF]

I am with Stephanie on this one. Be specific and call out those posts and posters when they post something that disagrees with your sense of support. I have been here a long time, and what you site is no where near being anti supportive. It was much worse before. Making general non specific complaints and the paraphrasing what you interpreted when you read something is not the same as calling out someone based on your perception when you read it. That is timely and specific and helps us other non-hurt members better understand where you are coming from. You may have a very valid opinion, and I just want to better understand it and maybe even agree with you.

PS: Yes, bashing does sometimes occur here. I have learned to deal with it or ignore it. It has never really negatively impacted me regarding the Forum as a whole and the majority of the posts and threads that I read.

[Krisi]

It's a public forum and as such, draws all sorts of people. Some, you will agree with and some, you will not.

One thing I've learned in my extensive time on this planet is that it's pointless to try to control other people's thoughts, actions or in this case, words. You can beat yourself up over it but you won't change them.

[Jenniferathome]

..We are a community that is supposed to be here to support each other are we not? ...

This notion of "support" has somehow morphed into meaning every response needs a "you go girl!" Support is truth. Tough love, if you want to call it that. Some posts are moronic, nonsensical, dangerous and sometimes just plain stupid. Stupid doesn't deserve a, "you go girl!" It deserves a "WTF?! Are you from this planet?" Teresa captured the idea of support here:

...... some of the replies were a real hard kick up the backside, no bad thing it did make me see sense when seeing things from my wife's point of view .

.. if we come over a little strong sometimes it's because we have had to find others ways of dealing with it, OK to put it bluntly we faced it with considerable backbone, all we're trying to do is help new members find some strength.

The word "support" should not be neutered. A kick up the backside is a needed frequently here.

[Tracii G]

I got my share of kicks up the backside when I first joined and guess what? It helped me.
The kicks are more a wake up call that what you are doing isn't working so well.
I find its best if people are honest with each other.
You can send a PM and explain what you mean instead of calling them out on the forum too.
These days people are overly sensitive because their parents pampered them growing up is what I think anyway.
Grow thicker skin and get over yourself if words upset you.

[Maria 60]

I'm sorry to hear your disappointment in this site. I have been here for awhile and when I do post something you kind of know who to take serious and who is usally has that smart mouth answer type person. Unfortunately I take this site serious and when I have a problem and look for some serious life experience advice, most here take it seriously, and just like in the real world there is always that smart ass or bully. It's just to bad that they are hiding and we can't punch some lights out.
I think this is a great site, it has really helped me, I do read a lot of threads here and knowing how much negative we are fighting all the time, that I try really hard to answer honestly and as positive as possible. We need all the positive we can get. Thanks for standing up to the bullies and hopefully someone understands and will think twice when responding.

[docrobbysherry]

What some of u may not realize is that the Mods here r very judicious about attackers, boasters, trolls, etc. on this site. If u r too rude, arrogant, opinionated, personal, or argumentative u will be warned. And, if u continue in that vein, you're gone from this site forever. I have seen a few active members suddenly disappear.

I think that the current admins of this site allows heated discussions on a variety of T topics to be one of the reasons this site is so informative and popular!

[Nikkilovesdresses]

I hear you Lisa. I know two members who in recent times have felt so put down by other members that they've come very close to quitting the forum.

I challenged one of the critics, trying to get them to see the damage they were doing. The answer boiled down to, 'I call it like it is, tough do-do'.

All I can say is do not let other people's bitterness and selfishness stop you from coming here- they're not going to change- it's up to you to take comments with a pinch of salt because, as you say, the forum is a microcosm of society itself, and there are always going to be those who like pricking other people's balloons.

I'm sure the mods edit or remove the most offensive remarks, but often there's a delay- during which feelings can get hurt.

There's a line between reasoned debate and sniping- it's called good manners.

[nikinylons]

I hear ya Lisa. Judging anyone for anything that we do in our life on this forum should not be tolerated. Everyone has their own reasons for doing what we do, some are similar some are different. We are all at different stages of our journey too and are here to learn, air out why we do, get advice, validation, and not be blasted for it. But there are those in every crowd including here. For instance, I have a VS 120 smoking fetish that goes along with Niki's entire persona. When I and a few girls posted about it, it was ewww, quit now, that's gross, blah blah blah. Well I don't like wearing panties, I'm a pantyhose girl, but I don't blast girls for doing it. We are all here for support and validation. Haters are going to hate, lovers are going to love. I'm a lover who is here to support my sisters whatever it is you need. Don't let the haters get under your pantyhose dear just stick with those who are like minded like you. --Niki

[Lily Catherine]

I think the kicks in the backside are well warranted and fall within the definition of support. I wouldn't consider it support to approve of certain behaviours (and attitudes) that are visibly counterproductive in each individual's context. That would be very much the antithesis! It deserves acknowledgement though that some are here for approval, to know they're not alone, to feel that their concerns are valid. It isn't right to invalidate any of that either, with the greatest respect.

I suppose the "more trans than thou" attitudes I've observed are mostly because there is a contentious need for easy waypoints along this spectrum, which would be exclusive from the point of view of the global observer (a minority defined by a majority, if you will). With the greatest respect, I don't see that any of that is healthy in the slightest.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Lisa, People are entitled to their own OPINIONS, But NOT their own FACTS ! ......