I have done some pretty stupid things when drinking. If this happened to me, I believe I would be able to downplay the cross dressing a little bit but I would have some explaining to do about drunk texting her friend. Isn't there a saying about friends not letting friends text drunk?
Women are all about trust, I think when your wife does find out and she remembers this , the fall out will be bad...
No regrets except I should have got dressed & stepped out sooner.
You definitely need to come clean with your wife. This isn't something that she will forget. The seed of doubt has been planted and will only grow! I would suggest writing her a letter and being honest. She is either going to accept you for who you are or she will not. But the longer you wait the more likely the latter will be true.
You should have been able to figure out that this was a bad thing to do before you did it. I have to wonder what was going through your mind.
It's too late for you in this case, but my advice to anyone is to not tell anyone about your crossdressing hobby unless they need to know. In this case, your wife needed to know, her friend did not.
[SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]
Well, that's worse because the friend has the evidence in writing.Originally Posted by savannaxdrsser
This should be part of a sticky, What NOT To Do.
I'm curious though, what were you looking to gain by this disclosure? I'm just not seeing any upside and this isn't because of what we know about the aftermath. I'd have asked the same exact thing if you had posted a question as to whether you should go down this road.
BTW, a poll of such a question would have been a resounding NO, if not 100% NO. I'd have expected this tale to come from someone who has been on these pages for days or weeks, not years.
Like a corpse deep in the earth I'm so alone, restless thoughts torment my soul, as fears they lay confirmed, but my life has always been this way - Virginia Astley, "Some Small Hope" (1986)
Sunlight falls, my wings open wide. There's a beauty here I cannot deny - David Sylvian, "Orpheus" (1987)
Poor Savanna. Everyone is piling on to her over this and not showing much sympathy. We forget that living a completely secret life is an overwhelming burden at times and it is difficult to keep your secret locked inside you. Keeping a major part of you, like cross dressing, as a complete secret from the world can be very corrosive. Savanna tells us in one post that his wife is intolerant of other lifestyles, so imagine the possibility of nasty comments about transvestites etc. that are tossed around in that household and Savanna has to just sit there and absorb all sorts of nasty references to something that is an important part of her.
I think we need to be even more critical of the person who was told something in confidence and then blabbed. That was the great BETRAYAL.
What sort of sympathy do you suggest? Poor baby? I'm sorry this happened to you? Your wife's friend is a bitch?
The reality is, she did something really stupid. Let's call it what it is and make it a learning experience for others who might consider making the same mistake.
Maybe you think you can't tell your wife but if you can't tell her, you shouldn't tell anyone else.
"BETRAYAL?" I don't think so. Here's another issue. She tells/text with picture something her wife really find offensive. Now, you have given the friend of the wife a secret to bear. Is she suppose to now pledge allegiance to her and not her wife? She has a cross to bear now? "Do I tell my friend?" "Do I now have to look across the table at my friend and mull over "I know something you don't know!" I think not. Yes, let this be a learning experience for others. Maybe this needs to be run through "Dear Abby."
You're totally right. Poor Savanna didn't confide in her spouse before telling another woman. Poor Savanna miscalculated the reaction of another. Poor Savanna didn't see that it was particularly likely that a friend of said wife would eventually share the secret. Poor Savanna is so manly in the wife's eyes that full disclosure is viewed as impossible. Not even considering the merits of pre-marital disclosure, poor Savanna didn't foresee the weight of a lifetime in the closet when marrying a woman who is apparently closed minded to anything remotely alternative when it comes to lifestyle.
Sorry, this was entirely preventable on so many levels and shouldn't have happened in the first place. This isn't piling on, there is no possible positive response to this. And trying to garner sympathy in the face of perceived piling on is creating more perceived piling on (see paragraph above).
I guess the message here is that alcohol and closets don't mix.
Like a corpse deep in the earth I'm so alone, restless thoughts torment my soul, as fears they lay confirmed, but my life has always been this way - Virginia Astley, "Some Small Hope" (1986)
Sunlight falls, my wings open wide. There's a beauty here I cannot deny - David Sylvian, "Orpheus" (1987)
And, once again, we learn the hard way the number of people involved so that a secret remains a secret: ONE.
Some causes of crossdressing you've probably never even considered: My TG biography at:http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...=1#post1490560
There's an addendum at post # 82 on that thread, too. It's about a ten minute read.
Why don't we understand our desire to dress, behave and feel like a girl? Because from childhood, boys are told that the worst possible thing we can be, is a sissy. This feeling is so ingrained into our psyche, that we will suppress any thoughts that connect us to being or wanting to be feminine, even to the point of creating separate personalities to assign those female feelings into.
Hate to pile on but:
Mistake 1 was telling someone else BEFORE the wife.
Mistake 2 was lying to the wife when confronted.
If I were you I'd really think about admitting it to the wife immediately to try and keep the trust there but that might be gone now that you flat out lied to her about it. Make no mistake, even if you think she "bought it" this time she will keep looking for signs of you dressing now and will be hurt even more each time you lie about it from this point on whether directly or indirectly.
Honesty is the best thing here.
[SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]
Let's be honest, the wife's friend is doing what a friend SHOULD do and tell her something that could have a great impact on her life. If my best friend knew something that could impact me or my marriage, I'd want him telling me.
"You can have anything you want if you want it desperately enough." - Chinese Fortune Cookie, 1-27-13
I am an Idiot!! Everything posted is very true and may all come down on me. I thank you all for your honesty and comments.
Actually Savanna, I've come close to telling someone myself... Hope things work out.
Here today, gone tomorrow....
We've been married for 34 yrs. Together 40. Told her after 3 yrs of marriage and she was cool at first, then not so...then sort of tolerant...now it disgusts her. We talk about this desire of mine frequently and she still doesn't understand. I always tell her it's hard to understand unless you've lived it. One of the things for a long lasting marriage is honesty. Right now, you've broken that, but it's still not too late to fix things. Your best out at this point is you were scared of hurting her, but you need to fess up very soon. Have the sit down. Don't argue. Have your facts ready, but don't sound rehearsed. It's tough on those we loved to help carry the burden of a secret as large as this, especially in certain parts of the country. They sure didn't ask to have to deal with this, but for the same token, neither did we.
Last edited by Lorileah; 11-14-2016 at 03:25 PM. Reason: Guns/weapons, using, buying etc.
"You make your bed, you lie in it" a big mistake to tell a friend who knows your wife and then to deny it when found out, I would not like to be in your shoes this could end in tears one day, for sure your wife must have by now the full Monty about it all so denying it all only worsens your position. Somehow you have got find a way to tell her that yes you do dress, yes it is enjoyable but most importantly of all you must tell her that this does not get in the way of the way you loved her before and the same you love her now.
Sort it out quick before its too late!
You texted it?? why?? never leave a paper trail, digital fingerprint or anything that you cant have full deniability over if it all goes belly up, which in this case it did. I am not going to go on about how you should be careful who you tell, I take it you have already learned your lesson. If it were me in this situation I'd weight up your wives reaction and try and gauge weather or not its a good move to come clean. You will have alot of damage done lying in the first place if you decide to tell her. Either way good luck.
My Instagram xnicolex1988
Good LUCK you are going to need it.
https://www.flickr.com/photos/lovethatdress/
I'm thinking you wanted to tell someone you dressed as many of us would like to be out of the closet. I think you wanted the friend to tell the wife as you were hoping then once she knew, which you were not strong enough to tell her yourself, that it might be something she'd accept which she didn't. Believe me now she is going to suspect and watch every move and hopefully you don't wear her things as they will be watched really close. My wife doesn't know and don't want her to know as she's always made derogatory remarks about dressers. Good luck honey.
So now that we're all done ripping you a new one, what are you going to do about it?
While you made a series of mistakes, there is still time to mitigate the issues. Do not get trapped in that hopeless feeling of "OMG, if she knows the earth will stop spinning!" You have to decide where you want to go, and what you are going to do, but I think you've been provided with enough input to consider the reality and consequences. Now is the time to act. I know it's easy to say, but don't let fear paralyze you.
Again, good luck.
Good luck is what you need right now and a lot of it, I wish you well.
Well everyone, I am so impressed by the lack of any sympathy or empathy in most of these posts. Come on girls. We all know that being a cross dresser does have a way of distorting ones reality and we have all done daft things over the years. Think of the pink fog that has affected us from time to time.
Yes, what Savanna did was a big mistake and it will probably blow back over her in a big way, but she knows that. I think she just wants to share the burden of her error not be whipped in public. Where is our compassion. We can point out the error she has made ad nauseum, but it doesn't help her. I believe she needs to think about just coming clean and dealing with the consequences otherwise she will have to build a tower of deceit to try to avoid them.
Also I do think she was betrayed. I have been told some deep dark secrets by people that I know would cause terrible problems for them. They might have told me because they had a drink too many or the burden of secrecy was too great but I knew that to betray that confidence was completely wrong and I would bury it in the back of my mind and leave it there.
Well put. I have been ridiculed on here before and sucks. We just want to share our experiences because a lot of us don't have any one else to talk to. We come here looking for a safe place to vent. Good luck to you!
I think sharing the secret with someone other than your wife, first is deplorable.
Don't drink and don't tell.
Work on your elegance,
and beauty will follow.
I'm sure that it is so much easier for us to give advice on this scenario. In my eyes, the real tragedy here is not the telling of the "wrong person" but the lying to the wife after the tell. That turns the whole situation from a mistake into outright deception. Not a good thing for a marriage.
Jenn A --- nothing fancy, just me.
Hi Savanna, I sure hope that you learned your lesson...
...
Having my ears triple pierced is AWESOME, ~~...
I can explain it to you, But I can't comprehend it for you !
If at first you don't succeed, Then Skydiving isn't for you.
Be careful what you wish for, Once you ring a bell , you just can't Un-Ring it !! !!
Posting Permissions
