What is your experience?

[Kandi Robbins]

A few things to help set up my question.

No where on this planet do I pass. Never have, never will. But I do present myself well, trying to be classy and dignified and certainly appropriately dressed.

I have only been doing the "full Kandi" for two years, so my experience is limited. I completely understand how it probably was in the olden days (I am quite advanced in years myself).

It seems to me that people are more accepting of my little hobby. I certainly understand that most people are so self-absorbed that they are not even paying attention, but I still believe times are changing (slowly, but changing none-the-less).

I have been out at least 200 times now, probably been to 500 different places, situations, etc... Most recently, through a cherished friendship with a wonderful violinist (whom I met on one of my escapades), I have attended with her (she has been performing) about 5 weddings, dressed as any woman would for a wedding. Each time, I have interacted with either the bride, groom or one or both of their parents and/or the wedding celebrant (while they were thanking my friend for her performance). I even sat on the altar at one of them. Not one single negative reaction, all smiles and warm greetings. Yes, I know they are weddings and people are in a celebratory mood, but still. My most recent wedding was a HUGE dollar affair at The Ritz Carlton as I sat with her and the string quartet (I was the "roadie").

I frequently stop at different bar/restaurants for a bite or a glass of wine. Often times during things like the baseball playoffs (watched the Indians clinch the first round of the playoffs at a bar, in a dress, with a lovely young lady to share laughs with). Regular places, not places I researched to be "CD friendly". Nothing negative and I have more often than not struck up a lively conversation with some one (usually a woman, but not always) near by.

So? Am I right or am I nuts?

[AllieSF]

My experiences are the same as yours, but only include 2 weddings. I am not sure what your last question is about. "Am I right ...?" Thanks for sharing.

[JenniferMBlack]

I have to agree with the more excepting or more tolerant which ever it is. I was out Friday in mixed mode man wearing women's clothes more or less. Not one rude comment odd look or anything negative. I did however get an odd question, at least odd to me. I was asked if I was from Scotland. I was polite said I am of Scottish ancestors bit not personally from there. He didn't seam to be asking in a rude manner or anything derogatory. Just weird because I was wearing a skirt not a kilt or anything that looked like a kilt.

[Lana Mae]

I have been out basically once! I did have one bad look without comment. One confused look. One excuse me in a neutral voice. The rest of the people on this busy city street had no reaction. I did say excuse me once in a low Lana Mae voice. No problems at all!!! It is good to get out! Hugs Lana Mae

[IamWren]

I've never been out in a situation where I've ever interacted with anyone nor where anyone really saw me that well so I can't answer question but I am really curious about a couple of things and maybe JenniferAtHome can give her take on my questions, too.
But I'm wondering Kandi about a couple of things when you present as a female: do you try to use a female voice or just figure (as you said above) you're not passing or fooling anyone so you just use your male voice?

What about female mannerisms, posture and a female walk? I'm really curious if attempting to impersonate a woman as best you can helps with others accepting or if not trying to emulate female mannerisms and a voice and not hiding the fact that you're a man in a dress helps that.

[Stephanie47]

I've been out for evening strolls, but, choose to not interact with humanoids with the exception of Halloween. I think you are fortunate to have positive experiences and no negatives. It only takes one person to wreck your day or week. Sometimes in Seattle, which is suppose to be a tolerant city with very tolerant neighborhoods, things cam be unpleasant. If you look like you belong and act with total decorum I believe most people will just pass you by.

[Allisa]

Never been to a wedding expressing my femme self so no reference point to comment on, and do not go to bars or clubs so again no reference, but have been out to other venues in full femme and only a few instances of non acceptance and very vocal abuse but survived. As to your question, yes and no. Maybe a little loony? after all we all must be a bit nutty for going through what we do knowingly.

[Kandi Robbins]

I'm wondering about a couple of things when you present as a female: do you try to use a female voice or just figure (as you said above) you're not passing or fooling anyone so you just use your male voice?

What about female mannerisms, posture and a female walk?

I mostly use my male voice, unless it is a short response, like a thank you to a cashier or something like that. I believe I walk and use the mannerism of a woman, for me it just feels natural when dressed that way. I personally am not trying to pass, I am simply trying to blend in. I've been pretty lucky to get people to just buy into "me".

My wedding stories are simply an example, I am curious if you find people more accepting in general.

[Wyomingal1]

I tend to agree with the views here that ether people don't care or they are just not wanting to say anything in fear of retribution.
I was out today in fem drab. I had on pants, shirt, and pink nail polish no wig or makeup on. As I was doing my laundry at the truck stop. I am sure people saw my nails but they did not say anything just wanted to say hi to my puppy.

[JustJoni]

I've been out once, to a an LGBT club on the last night of my honeymoon. My wife and I walked to the venue just over two blocks. Everything went really well, smiles from people we passed, a "Have a good time, ladies," from the desk clerk at the hotel. The best was when they were checking ID at the club. We had to technically become 'members' via the cover, and had to produce state ID. The young man taking my ID, wearing a fair bit of makeup himself, kept looking back and forth before handing it back to me. After he did, he leaned in and with a big encouraging smile said, "Have a good time...you are rocking it!!"

But that's the sum-total of my outside experience, except for McDonald's drive-thru a few nights earlier. The cashier simply said, "Thanks ladies," to my wife and I.

[Tina June]

Kandi -
I am like you. I don't pass either, but that does not stop me from going out. No make up, no fem voice, growing my hair out (in that "OMG my hair looks Terrible stage!)
I have had NO bad experiences.

[ellbee]

It's been my experience that most people most of the time prefer not to cause a scene, or be considered rude, or end up in jail, or end up in the hospital, or lose their job, or have their wife/GF pissed at them, or have a falling-out with friends, etc., etc. -- and so, they tend to publicly keep their mouths shut at the time about all kinds of things.

[Dana44]

Kandi, yeah you are aright. Yeah when we o out we have had several conversations with waitress. They seem really friendly. So yes you are right.

[Shely]

Kandi, Sounds like a lot of fun and if i had more nerve i'd give it a try. Who knows maybe I'll get there.

[Rogina B]

I am "out" and really out everywhere,every day. I have to interact with anyone as necessary to do whatever. I come at this response from an out transwoman point of view and I think we are being accepted as having the right to be ourselves. We are "special" and will always be remembered and discussed..So always be polite and be your best !

[Elizabeth G]

I don't have to much experience or but when I have been the response has been indifferent at worst and quite positive at best.

[Rachael Leigh]

Kandi yes for me I've had mostly very positive experiences while being out just in normal everyday venues, like malls and grocery
stores and I've even eaten out once just by myself. All very positive experiences.

I've found that as you say nobody really seems
to care much even once they know I'm male dressed like a women and I'm sure even as I walk they might see a tall women but may suspect not but I do try and blend as much as I can.
Like you though I think most just take it as a part of our changing culture and I too hope it's becoming more accpting

[dolovewell]

Kandi, this is an interesting thread

I myself have been out many times dressed up. I too do not pass. For the most part, I have no trouble being out dressed. Where I run into trouble, is when I am out somewhere that is crowded/busy with a lot of people.

If I am in a store like ULTA or Kohl's, the stores are big enough and less crowded enough to where I can keep tabs on who is in there and where, so if I do get stared at, I at least know where the stare is coming from.

However in a busy place, say for example a mall on a weekend, there are just too many people coming from all different directions to where I can not keep track. So I get really intimidated and afraid and overwhelmed. How do you handle crowds? Do you get stared at at all?

I have not had a bad experience in almost 2 years but its always in the back of my mind, especially when I am around a lot of people. I also think that my youth works against me here. With older crossdressers, younger people are probably less likely to pick on them because of the whole "respect your elders" angle. But for me, I am still young so I feel like younger audiences and people around my age will be more likely to react to me in a negative manner. So when I am out I usually dread seeing "swag bro" types and try to avoid them.

[DIANEF]

I also think that my youth works against me here. With older crossdressers, younger people are probably less likely to pick on them because of the whole "respect your elders" angle. .

On the other hand youth can work in your favour dolovewell. 25 years ago I could probably have come as close to passing as you obviously do, but time takes it toll and there's no chance now. In my limited excursions outside, mainly in my car, I've had no reactions whatsoever, though that may change as I venture further afield.

[AllieSF]

Dolo,

If you can handle the smaller crowds than the bigger ones are just as easy assuming that you are not the center of attention, which I would guess that you are not. Your big problem is probably that you try "to keep track" of everyone. Why? Go about your business, head held high and don't pay attention to anyone. Of course, if you feel that you are in a not so safe area, keep your eyes and ears at attention. If you are continually looking around at the mall, you probably are making way too much eye contact with perfect and harmless strangers. Your self confidence usually comes over time as you finally realize that no one really notices and you are OK being you then and there.

I am not so sure that younger people are more respectful of us older ladies. I actually think that they are worse than when I was much younger. They don't care who they hurt or have fun with. Good luck and have fun.

[dolovewell]

I just feel really overwhelmed in larger crowds because I feel like the center of attention just by being there. A 6 foot tall crossdresser is going to stand out. I feel like every eyeball in the vicinity is on me and its a lot of pressure to deal with.

I know that is not the case, I know not every eyeball is on me and to most people, I am not even a speck in their eye and they aren't even aware of me, but I am a pessimist in this regard.

Yesterday I went to the mall, I was fine inside JC Penney and Macy's and individual stores, but whenever I stepped out into the main mall area I felt completely overwhelmed. I can handle 1 or 2 people staring at me but when I am out in crowds I feel like 30 people are staring at me at the same time even if thats not the case. I dress normally, I don't wear anything that would draw attention. Yesterday I wore a pink sweater, blue jeans, and brown boots with my beige purse with a peachy pink lip - nothing out of the ordinary at all that would stand out.

[lingerieLiz]

I wear mostly women's casual clothes or have been. I've been in situations where it is obvious that I'm wearing a bra and have boobs (I don't wear forms) I wear tops which are easy enough to tell they are women's. I haven't had any backlash. Neighbors like me. Over the years going back to the early 60s I've found that most people accept you if you are friendly and like them. Went to a party one night wearing the same silk top as another guest. She joked about it as if it was two women had done it.

I do get women who glide their hand over my straps to verify.

[Tracii G]

Dolo their are vast number of younger people that have no respect for their elders much less themselves.

[Jenniferathome]

My same experience. Go where the normals go and no issues.

My wife believes that the normals see me as transexual rather than a cross dresser. I think that's a reasonable theory as "cross dresser" doesn't hit the radar as easily as transexual. Certainly, none see me as a genetic woman. I would bet that when people see you Kandi, they think "trans" until you set them straight. By then, you come across as "normal" except for the cross dressing.

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Dolo, you're just thinking too much. If you're looking for trouble, you usually find it. Walk about like you would in guy mode and it's easy peasy.

[suzanne]

I'm a Kandi Fan! I go out, not as often as you, but in the same condition; presenting as well as I can and being polite and respectful. I have never had any negative feedback and quite a lot of positive.

Crazy? Not on your life! I'm thinking that when you started going out you were being courageous, and it has since morphed into genuine confidence. Bravo, and many more happy outings!