Are you ashamed or proud of who you are?

[Becky Blue]

I would love to hear from others are you ashamed of your desires? Are you embarrassed about your crossdressing? is it a part of you, that you have come to accept? Or is it something you are proud about? Have your feelings changed over time? Did you start off in denial and grow to acceptance? Do you wish this part of you went away?

For me I love being Becky and feel very very gifted that I have a large amount of female inside me. Becky has been lucky to have had some amazing adventures and made some incredible friends. I feel honoured to know what is is like to walk a mile in 'her shoes' and feel sorry for my guy friends who have never had the chance to experience all the joy I have.

Of course its not always a bed of roses, but I am so thankful that I get the chance to look beautiful and sexy (in my eyes ) on occasion. I am very proud of the girl and accept her as part of me absolutely.

[Tracii G]

I feel a lot like you and to me its nice to have some of both gender in me.
I feel more female than male and it took me a while to understand why I felt the way I did but I am fine with it.
I accepted the fact I was very different pretty early on but had not gotten rid of the very nasty guy that resided along side her.
About being ashamed that I have a more female personality? No not at all. I am proud of who I have become.
I am ashamed of the male side I had for so long he was not a nice person and had a lot of hate built up inside of him.
Shedding most of him has made my life so much better.

[Teresa]

Becky,
I would say many of us have been through the shame and guilt. Society says we look like men so we should act like men and wearing women's clothes is just weird, if he does that he must be gay.

They can't see whats driving us inside, our wiring is different, again for some of it takes far too long to find the real truth out and when we do we have to come to terms with. I tried to bury my CDing and the shame and guilt for so many years but it just can't be suppressed, joining the forum made me realise all this and it's for life . I realsied then things had to change , I had to get out of the closet and find myself, if you're in a DADT situation that isn't easy.

It's been a rollercoaster ride but finally I can say I'm not ashamed of these feelings the other part of me is finding contentment , I needed to be out and about to fully come to terms with it, I guess to validate part of me has a female trait and needs to be satisfied.

I enjoy every part of my dressing , whether its just a skirt and top arouind the home or going out fully transformed, and I love the shopping part , thinking outfits through , maybe pushing the boundaries a little.

Why should we be ashamed to be happy and enjoy part of our of our lives, I have told my wife now that I do enjoy it , and really don't care who knows.

[AllieSF]

I love myself as I am, and also as I was. Is that good enough?

[IleneD]

TraciiG

Love your story; the paragraph.
You are so correct. When I came to grips with my Inner Woman, she helped me shed the ugliest open parts of my maleness. Not ashamed now of my maleness/ masculinity, either. I understand and know better to govern it; but it is the grace and bearing of the real inner Me who rules.
Thank you for such a soulful post.

[bridget thronton]

She helped me be a better person (as I integrated both parts of my personality)

[Majella St Gerard]

I am proud of who I am , it took some time to get to this place. I used to care what people would say, but who cares. Just be yourself.

[lorisdream]

Exactly! I completely agree Bridget.

[Rachelakld]

At the age of 4, it was just who I was.
Then when it became sexual, well that was taboo, so ya, bit ashamed at that time
Once that phase of my life was over, I accepted both personalities and started a relationship (internal communication) which brought me comfort and pride

[Elizabeth G]

When I was younger I felt the usual shame, confusion, guilt etc. As I have gotten older I have come to accept and embrace this side of me. I like living in both worlds. I can cut down trees, rehab my house and open jars for my wife but I also have this strong feminine side which I can escape into .

[Annajose]

I am certainly proud of who I am. I have been ashamed at times and confused but I consider myself a good person. My only regret is the pain I have caused to my wonderful wife by not telling her and then being caught.
Now I struggle with the desire to be more of Anna and the desire to make my wife proud and happy. She is very understanding and tries very hard to accomodate my needs, bu Anna tries to grab all my attention all the time.
So there is a strugle, sometimes I wish I were "normal", but I am not and I accept who I am.

[Lacey New]

I am neither proud nor ashamed. I admit that I am in the closet but that is not necessarily do to any feeling of shame necessarily. For me, being in the closet is simply a way of maintaining the relationships, the connections and the credibility that I have built over the course of decades of life. If I were to be transplanted to another location as a person with no history or image to preserve, I probably would be very open about my crossdressing. On the other hand, am I proud of being a crossdresser? Not especially. Is how you dress or the clothing you wear something to necessarily be proud of? It is more how you handle yourself, how you speak, act and treat others more than the clothes.

[CarlaWestin]

Carla and I are very proud and unashamed of both of me.

[Amy Fakley]

I'm tired, but I am not ashamed.

It took me like 30 years of day to day struggle to untangle the mess of denial and shame and mental spaghetti from growing up in a hostile and unaccepting environment that wouldn't even so much as grant the space to admit trans people even existed, let alone consider the fact that I might be one, and that was why I felt and acted the way I did.

36 years as a matter of fact. Gone. Spending everything I had inside, just trying to prop up a facade that made every one else happy. The denial was so deep ... even though I was dressing when I could and all that, I even managed to hide it from myself. I didn't even know why I felt like a caged animal most of the time. Then one day I broke, and I finally found a perspective where I could fit all the pieces together, and I started to begin to accept myself for who I'd been all along.

The 6 years since I finally broke, there have been so many ups and downs. coming out to my family was the biggest rollercoaster ride ... and I'm still riding it, there are more good days than bad, though.

I'm not ashamed. I worked too damn hard to finally learn to love myself.

But like I said ... I am tired. If had some kinda magic button that could just go back in time and somehow make me born cis, I think I'm actually getting to the point where I'd press it. It's not that I'm not proud of who I am, nor even that I wish I was someone else ... I'm just tired ... of the anxiety, tired of the constant frustration, tired of the persistent nagging in the back of my mind that I am not who everyone thinks I am (if they only knew) ... I'm tired of the social isolation, I'm tired of the people who I love the most in my life losing it at random because of their deep seated shame of who I really am.

For that matter I'm tired of my people being used as a political football every few years and exacerbating all of those other problems, not just for me, but I'm sure for every other one of us. I'm just tired. Still I know brighter days are ahead, tired or not, we all gotta keep on keepin' on ... we gotta carry that torch through the darkness.

[DIANEF]

Never been ashmed of my crossdressing, though I did have the 'why' process many years ago. I definately think it has made me a better person, my health is better because I keep my weight in check and eat well, I have always thought it has had a calming influence on me, the only real stress I get is when I can't dress.
I love the fact that you can vary your look so much, male clothing is so limited compared to womens. True, it has it's downside, but the upside far outwighs that. Not ashamed of my male self in any way, just a normal everyday guy, but I do wish I had more (a lot more) Diane time.

[Georgina]

I am not ashamed. I am proud of who I am. I am one person who can strip an entire car and rebuild it, modify an engine, build a computer, build a wall and wear a dress when at home.

[Kate Simmons]

I'm happy to be myself Hon. Pride has nothing to do with it. Although I do take pride in my appearance whether en femme or en homme.

[Raychel]

It has been alot of years for me now,
I will say that for the most part I have accepted this part of me, and
truely feel more myself when I am dressed.

But there is always times when I feel slightly ashamed of this part of being me.
I guess that is part of life that I will just have to deal with

[CONSUELO]

It took a while but I came to accept myself and dump any thoughts of shame. I'm not sure if "proud" is the right description but calm acceptance it certainly is.

[Beverley Sims]

Becky,
Shame, embarrassment and self consciousness passed me by a long time ago.

Get out and live the dream and think of other things.

Just love being yourself and walk tall.

[Dana44]

Shame left me so long ago. I look at it like a gift. Indeed most men will never have the feeling we have and it helps us shed our manliness ad be a stronger person and more creative.

[Tracii G]

Dana thats a good point I too look at it as a gift.

[Lily Catherine]

I am personally over the embarassment and shame, but not those around me; my family considered my behaviour shameful and shameless. I went through a considerably sexual phase, blended with the guilt we hand to all that is sexual and related to sexuality; I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel ashamed at that. Likewise I am still confronting religious issues that are central to my internal conflict (let's leave it at that). I can't say I'm proud either, with the greatest respect. This part of me is but one card in the hand I was dealt with, and I can't say for sure how far its impacts will eventually reach. It's nothing to be proud of, or to show off for the sake of it.

[Lorileah]

In my life, I will never be good enough for me, so in general I am always ashamed I never reached the potential I could have. But this is about being Trans, not life. No I am not ashamed, I am happy and proud of who I am and what I am doing, both personally and in the community. That was never an issue

[Lucy23]

For many years I was ashamed of my crossdressing; however, for a period of time I even hated myself for the desire to do so. To deny it, however, only lead to a greater discomfort. A man is not supposed to want anything of this, or so the society says.

"What is the point?" or "What is it good for?" or the like were the questions spinning in my head. I have never had a male role model or anyone out there who would be of any support and teach how to be a man. To top it off, I would compare myself to any man out there, only to find myself severely lacking in dating, strength, social network etc. I felt inadequate and a failure of a man. Fortunately, that is slowly changing now for the better and maybe that is why I am close to accepting, even appreciating this part of me.

I'm still wondering if there is anything in my life that crossdressing contributed to. For your ordinary man I do have a heightened sense to what is fashionable though and have been told I am more empathetic. However, the thought that there is a female part of me that would be responsible for this never crossed my mind. I am ME, all of these facets make my personality