Should I tell a friend I crossdress?

[Lucy23]

As I have said in my introduction, aside from an ex-girlfriend, no one knows about my crossdressing. Having struggled with a lot of things over the years, seeing therapist has helped me become more comfortable with who I am and no longer want to hide and feel ashamed.

That's not to say I want to out myself to everyone I know, definitely not to my parents and family. It's just that I want to confide in a close friend of mine (a girl) who I believe would be accepting because of the kind of personal things we talk about and know about each other. The reason I would like to tell her is to share a part of me that has been pushed back and want to take responsibility for.

Still, I would like to turn to those of you who have talked about this part of yourselves to your friends. Is this reason enough? What compelled you to tell your friends in the first place? Were there any traits you were looking for in particular? Thanks!

[Lana Mae]

Only you know your friend and what being out to them may mean! I am out to my children but no one else. I would do this on a need to know basis. IMHO Hugs Lana Mae

[S. Lisa Smith]

As Lana has said, you know this woman. We don't. Be careful!!! I have told women friends and have done well. On the other hand, I have had the urge to tell other woman friends, but something stopped me. As time passed, I was glad I didn't tell them. It's a big chance, for good and for evil.... good luck with your decision!!!

[Rachelakld]

I'm out to family members and a daughters friend who caught me leaving while dressed one morning.
My close girl friend knows, she has always been like a sister to me.
She has always been the mature one and it was that sole factor that allowed me to know I was safe with her knowing.

[Bonnie Chan]

I think if you really want to tell your friend, you should be prepared for the worst scenario that can happen too, i.e. your friend spreads this secret to others. You can't control what other people would do. So you need to come up with a backup plan if things are not going according to what you expect. You can either prepare your mind to be out to everybody, or just make sure there's no evidence that you ever tell your friend about this, so you can simply shrug the rumors off when things go bad.

Anyway, you should know best how your friend would behave once she knows about this. So only you can decide for yourself. The only advise I can give is to just make sure to have a proper preparation first.

- Bonnie

[Micki_Finn]

Listen to Bonnie. You may trust her now, but what happens if you guys have a falling out? Or she just slips up because she's not used to being as careful with your secret as you are? Not saying don't do it, just saying be prepared because nothing is 100% safe.

[Lorileah]

I will refer you to this thread

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...person-I-dress

[Tracy Irving]

I have thought about telling a few different friends from time to time. I like to test the waters by dropping a few super subtle hints and work my way up until I meet resistance. And I have always met resistance. So glad I didn't jump off the deep end with anyone other than my wife (before marriage).

[ImJessicaNow]

Tracy, that is very very good information. I did the same thing, found a lot of resistance and some awesome freinds who love me and share crossdressing with me but it took months if not years of hints and reviewing feedback. I opened up to my ex right away due to wanting to trust her and no secrets and she hated me for my crossdressing, her loss

[Tracii G]

I understand you want to confide in someone but you really have to look at it from all perspectives and is it really a smart thing to do in the long run?
You can drop hints here and there but you need to be able to read her reactions too.
I have gone for full disclosure many times and the positive reaction has been 2 in 10 were OK with it and the 8 will have nothing to do with me as a friend.
So Its up to you but just be ready to accept more than one person is going to find out about it.
You know her better than we do so its up to you.

[DIANEF]

My dear mother taught me to never trust anyone, at least not 100 percent. Even though I have had close, and very close friends, there's never been one I could confide in about my cross dressing. History has confirmed the soundness of my mothers advice.

[AnnieMac]

Naw don't!

[MelanieAnne]

Why the need to tell anyone? Friends come and go.

[JenniferMBlack]

This could go either way. As it has been said you know your friend, and would know better how she would handle it. I have told a few friends has not been a problem for me. If one was to say something it wouldn't bother me to much though.I have a friend we don't spend much time together but I knew she would be cool with it so I told her. Well I sent her a pic and asked if the outfit made me look fat LOL. She was a bit shocked but was otherwise cool.

[ellbee]

While many here so far are focusing on what you have to lose, I say look at it a different way: Imagine, if all goes well, at how much you have to *gain*!


There is no way in heck I would have had so much fun while en femme had I decided to stay in the closet years ago.

It is pretty awesome to have a GG gal-pal (or a dozen) who's cool with the whole dressing thang.



Of course, as others mentioned, only you know her.

If you've known her for a while, and know her enough, and you're pretty darn sure she'd take it well? I say go for it.


Different ways of going about that. You could dive in head-first, or slowly wade in from the shallow end.

Words, like telling her about it at some level? Full confession, or just making an "innocent" joke about something?

Visual, like showing some photos in some manner? (Keep it classy, though. )

Actions, like simply wearing a pair of bootcut yoga pants sometime you two hang out -- and see how long it takes her to notice?



Anyway, yeah, negative things can happen. But so can some very positive ones.

Good luck, and let us know either way if & when!

[Lucy23]

On the other hand, I have had the urge to tell other woman friends, but something stopped me. As time passed, I was glad I didn't tell them.

Do you know what it was that stopped you?

I think if you really want to tell your friend, you should be prepared for the worst scenario that can happen too, i.e. your friend spreads this secret to others.

Yeah, I have considered this too, but it's not her nature to freely divulge others' secrets. Moreover, aside from her mom, whom I know very well, we don't have any mutual friends.

I will refer you to this thread

Thanks!

I have thought about telling a few different friends from time to time. I like to test the waters by dropping a few super subtle hints and work my way up until I meet resistance.

That is really good advice. I have dropped a hint that I have worn a skirt and then she asked whether I liked it. She was casual, but I imagine that she thought I did it just for fun...

I have gone for full disclosure many times and the positive reaction has been 2 in 10 were OK with it and the 8 will have nothing to do with me as a friend.

I'm sorry to hear that. Would you then prefer not telling them or is it better this way? I have read on many occassions that is better to know despite the pain.

Different ways of going about that. You could dive in head-first, or slowly wade in from the shallow end. Words, like telling her about it at some level? Full confession, or just making an "innocent" joke about something? Visual, like showing some photos in some manner? (Keep it classy, though. ) Actions, like simply wearing a pair of bootcut yoga pants sometime you two hang out -- and see how long it takes her to notice?

Thanks for the suggestions! From reading the thread I guess I'll try dropping hints, or maybe try wearing leggins in front of her. As for the photos, I don't have any However, don't worry about classiness, I prefer business look

[Vicky_Scot]

My wife and I decided to tell our closest friend (female) about Vicky as we have been through a lot together and were like family or closer. Unfortunately the one person who we thought would accept it did not want to know. So be careful as once you tell someone its their secret now and they can tell others.

[dolovewell]

I have been in your situation before. I have told 5 women in my life that I crossdress.

You want to know how many times I told myself afterward "That was a good idea, I am glad I told them."?

Zero. 0. Zilch. Nada.

I have regretted it. Every. Single. Time.

The thing is, before I would tell them, I'd have fantasies play out in my mind where I tell these women I crossdress, and she says "That's awesome!" and wants to go out shopping with me and such and therefore I have a female friend who is awesome and accepting and is a shopping buddy and stuff.

Unfortunately that was just fantasy. It never played out like that at all.

Of the 5 women I told, 2 were girlfriends, both of whom ended up breaking up with me shortly after. When I told them, they were confused more than anything. Didn't really have a reaction, just a puzzled look. Like a "It's not a big deal but I just don't see why would you want to do that" type of reaction. Things seemed OK, but then they broke up. They claimed it wasn't my crossdressing that caused them to split off, but I knew that's what it really was. I am not an idiot.

The other 3 were friends of mine, who I thought would be open and embracing and accepting of it all. Hell, their Facebook profiles would say things like "I am super open minded" and such. Yet, all 3 were clearly weirded out by it. One of them was a girl I would study with a lot for a class we were in in college. I told her, and then added more when we were talking on Facebook. Turns out I saw her showing the conversation to some guy in our class the next day. Thankfully I don't think he learned who I was. She was so weirded out she didn't want to study with me anymore. Another girl who was a friend that I told never talked to me again. Literally. The last one seemed to be OK at first, but it didn't take long for her to stop talking to me as well. I ruined 2 relationships and 3 good friendships by opening up about this.

Once the cat is out of the bag, its out. There is no going back. So tell yourself. Is this info you really want these women to know? Can you trust them? Will you be able to trust them a year from now, 5 years from now? What makes me cringe is that these women still have this knowledge. Women that are friends with my friends and family. What if they told people? If I want someone to tell someone I know I dress, I want it to be me, so it is not misrepresented.

In my opinion, I think part of the problem is HOW I told them. I would sit them down and say "I have something I want to talk to you about". So I made it out to be some big deal from the start. I made it too serious. I think if you really must tell someone, to make it organic. I honestly think the best way to tell someone is to have them see you in the act. Have them see you dressed, unplanned. I am not saying schedule a meet up with them and show up to that meet up dressed. I am saying the best way would be to run into them somewhere while you are dressed. However, this is not easy. So if you must tell them verbally, don't build it up. don't say that you have something you need to tell them. Just be having a random conversation with them and find a way to organically and smoothly transition into telling them casually that you dress. Just keep it casual, don't let the tone all of a sudden get serious. Act like its no big deal at all and perhaps even change the subject. If she wants to learn more, she will change the subject back.

[CONSUELO]

Lucy,
I understand your need to tell someone about your cross dressing. Keeping our cross dressing secret is one of the great burdens that we cross dressers have to bear. For some it can be crushing and isolating. However you also say you are not prepared to be outed to everyone and just telling one person could set you down that road. No need for me to give you advice or argue the pros and cons as the many replies here and those in the recent Thread highlighted by Lorileah will give you a wide spectrum or opinion and experience. Just think it through carefully before you do something and imagine how you would react if the person finds your confidence upsetting and goes on to tell others about your cross dressing.

[MissTee]

My thought is that if you want to share with one, then you should be mentally prepared to share with everyone. That is to say you can't control the message after it has left your lips, and there is absolutely no gaurantee it will be well received or protected. Fortunately for me my wife is the one person I've shared this with and she is accepting. That's enough for me, and it is my one person so I totally understand wanting to have someone to share it with. Just be careful, and good luck!

[Shelly Preston]

The first thing you should ask yourself is

Do they need to know ?

If they don't I would suggest you don't tell them

[Tracii G]

Lucy The friends that weren't OK with my "coming out" I let go without a whimper.
I figured they weren't real friends in the long run.
I kind of look at it as weeding out the the un desireables

[Stephanie47]

I see these threads and I wonder "Why?" I totally understand the need to feel comfortable with one's own cross dressing, but, What the driving force to tell another person who may reject it and you? And, there are consequences if she tells someone else. The best kept secret is kept by one person...self. So, you tell her/ Now what? Are you going to go shopping together? Out to a club together? Dress for her?

If you're or anyone has the driving need to burst this information out to the world be prepared for any and all adverse consequences. Perhaps, if you really want to burst out of your shell maybe going out totally en femme at some distant locale is a better choice.

Personally, I found just going out for a drive with a stroll through a residential/retail neighborhood was sufficient to satisfy my seemingly uncontrollable urge to express myself. And, there was no adverse consequences. Think twice before you act.

[Lucy23]

I have been in your situation before. I have told 5 women in my life that I crossdress. You want to know how many times I told myself afterward "That was a good idea, I am glad I told them."? Zero. 0. Zilch. Nada. I have regretted it. Every. Single. Time.

I'm sorry to hear that. See, that it is the reason I asked you girls first; to learn what the confession entails in the long run or to learn whether there's something I might have otherwise neglected, since I think you have way more experience with this. And thank you for the idea to act like it's no big deal.

Just think it through carefully before you do something and imagine how you would react if the person finds your confidence upsetting and goes on to tell others about your cross dressing.

Yeah, I'll do that. Thanks.

I see these threads and I wonder "Why?" I totally understand the need to feel comfortable with one's own cross dressing, but, What the driving force to tell another person who may reject it and you?

Honestly, because she is one of the few people I know around whom I feel completely accepted and not judged. To fully explain this would require several lines of pitiful words like depression, loneliness,... yada yada yada... self-hate, you know the drill. I know what those feeling are my own doing, though unconscious, but I don't feel being judged or the need to defend myself and put on a smily face when I don't feel like it around her.

Big thanks to all of you who replied and gave some advice

[Taylor186]

I would ask you, "what does your friend gain from this revelation?" Dragging someone into your closet doesn't seem like a great outcome, to me. My sense is you gain and they lose, which doesn't make you much of a friend.