Should I tell a friend I crossdress?

[ellbee]

It does amaze me how many so far who have replied, prefer to stay in the closet when it comes to this.


Maybe I've just been "lucky" (doubtful), but I've come out to about a dozen or so GG-friends over my life. All, but one, were neutral to positive about it. And the one that wasn't simply didn't agree with it all, but we still remained friends for a good while afterwards, until we eventually just drifted apart like any other friendship does sometimes.


Did I choose the right friends to tell? Did I share in the right way? At the right time?

Why are my experiences so different?


And I gotta say, it's been pretty cool. And there are/have been some who hung out with me while I was en femme. Lots of fun experiences & great memories!

These are/were GG's anywhere aged from their 20's thru their 50's. Single, BF, married, whatever. Heck, one of them even opened up to me (and showed pics) of *her* CD'ing hubby! I was not expecting that, but it was pretty awesome, the same.


I dunno, here. Maybe because I've seen the other side, but by staying in the closet, you're potentially missing out on some fantastic things in life. Stop looking at what you might lose, and start to see what you might have to *gain*.

My 2 cents, anyway.

[sometimes_miss]

As always, evaluate the worst possible outcome. If you can accept that, then proceed. Far too often, people in our situation glamourize the possibilities, dreaming of a wonderful, accepting, enthusiastic friend who will love us and our crossdressing. Unfortunately, that's not usually what happens. The pink fog gets in our eyes, and we don't get a clear view until it's too late.
As others have mentioned, if you're ok with losing your friend (and potentially other friends and family members), and being out to the world including everyone at work/school/etc., then proceed. Because that's the possibility, and you won't be able to reverse that if it happens.

It does amaze me how many so far who have replied, prefer to stay in the closet when it comes to this. Maybe I've just been "lucky" .

yes, you've been lucky. Not everyone has similar experiences.

I would ask you, "what does your friend gain from this revelation?" Dragging someone into your closet doesn't seem like a great outcome, to me. My sense is you gain and they lose, which doesn't make you much of a friend.

I think ^this is something virtually no one here thinks about when they consider telling another person about their crossdressing. It's 'all about me' and being accepted and loved for who we are. NOT about accepting and loving the other person. Interesting, isn't it, how that's virtually never brought up when this question is discussed. Glad you did, as it's a very important consideration.

[Lucy23]

I would ask you, "what does your friend gain from this revelation?" Dragging someone into your closet doesn't seem like a great outcome, to me. My sense is you gain and they lose, which doesn't make you much of a friend.

That is something I've been thinking about. I saw several posts from the GGs who were otherwise open to their friends or family, but once they knew about their partners' crossdressing, they couldn't share what was bothering them anymore. And to be honest, that scenario is not something I would want to put my friend through...

[~Joanne~]

Here's the best piece of advice that no one has offered. If You do decide to tell her, do it IN PERSON. do not do it through a email or text. If she does flip on you, it's plausible deniability, her word against yours if it was a conversation. something written? a totally different story.

I agree with most here though, why tell her at all. I understand the need and the want to share this with SOMEONE but like already said, friends come and go and even the ones that you think are really good friends may not be after you tell them. I would play with caution is all I am saying.

[ellbee]

Joanne,

Some good advice.


I'll also throw in that one should try to maintain control of any photos that you may share.

IOW, don't send them -- show them from *your* electronic device.

[dolovewell]

I agree with Joanne that it should be done in person, and combine that with the advice I gave - do not treat it like a big deal. The bigger of a deal you make it, the bigger of a deal she will make it in terms of the way she reacts to it, especially if its not a positive reaction.

[Lana Mae]

In person is the only way! For the reasons stated and it is just the way it should be done! There are events in our lives that should be face to face and this is one of them! Hugs Lana Mae

[Lucy23]

Here's the best piece of advice that no one has offered. If You do decide to tell her, do it IN PERSON. do not do it through a email or text.

Definitely a good piece of advice, I wouldn't have it any other way. Thanks for the warning though, I will think this through.

I'll also throw in that one should try to maintain control of any photos that you may share. IOW, don't send them -- show them from *your* electronic device.

No worries, I don't take pictures of myself dressed

do not treat it like a big deal. The bigger of a deal you make it, the bigger of a deal she will make it in terms of the way she reacts to it, especially if its not a positive reaction.

Yeah, this one really got me thinking and I searched the threads. It would seem that is quite a common advice as to how to approach the whole deal. Thanks for bringing this up! Actually I fing this part the hardest...

And thanks to all of you.

[CartoonistChick]

Definitely sound advice from everybody thus far, and I'd like to share my own experience if I may....

When I first came out of the closet a month ago by discussing things with my wife, I felt as if the most gigantic of weights had been lifted and yes, I wanted to shout from the rooftops at first. Instead, I chose to tell those whom I hold very close to my heart, ones that I've chatted with plenty about various personal stuff regarding myself or them. I guess I'm the lucky one too then, because the responses & support have been phenomenal, even more so since I was dreading worst case scenarios. I can't tell y'all how much I've been thanked for thinking that much of them for telling such important news...but without me making some big production number out of it. And in turn, I thanked them for all the love 'n support and told them how much I loved them for it.

[daphne g]

I've told some old school friends i.e. best friends while growing up ,i told them when i was in late 20s ,I'm now nearly 50 and we are still very good friends
they've seen fotos and such and are fine with it, i think everyones got something wrong with themselves lol.
but dont forget you cannot untell someone so this needs to be well thought out

[Territx]

I agree with those that suggest that you try to gauge her interest and potential acceptance by steering a conversation to the general subject. But it is certainly one of those things that you can't "take back" in your relationship with each other. Good luck.

[twelvestepemily]

Okay I have a different story. I told my best friend and his fiancee a couple weeks ago and it may have been the best decision of my life. They have been sooo accepting and supportive, and we've all become so much closer as friends as a result. I have people in my life now who I care about that I can talk to about things and I know that know matter what negativity I run into, that there are people who have my back and love me no matter what. I feel like I can finally just be *me* without that constant stress of worrying about *what if* someone finds out. It's so liberating! I feel very lucky and obviously it depends on your friends, but let me tell you about my progression in case it might help you.

About 9 months ago I started seeing a therapist. I had never told *anyone* about crossdressing and it was a secret I had been prepared to take to my grave. Opening up to the therapist was *extremely* difficult and painful. But after moving past that, she helped me to accept myself for who I am. She also recommended I go to a local trans support group. I came to identify as genderfluid. It was so great hearing the group's stories and understanding that I'm not alone. I got the confidence to go out dressed. (Never thought I would do that!)

Beyond the therapist and the support group, the next person I told was a girl I met and had a whirlwind romance with. I felt like as difficult as it was, I had nothing to lose. It was very difficult opening up about this to her, but not as bad as when I told the therapist... And she was super supportive and accepting! Things didn't work out unfortunately (for other reasons), but I was glad I had gotten the experience of telling someone I cared about.

I made a crossdressing friend online and we went out to local gay bars together, and I met other trans people and crossdressers. Again, that feeling of not being alone in this was huge. These are real people with real lives and real struggles, but they weren't hiding in shame like I had for so many years. Awesome.

Finally, there was a fire in my apartment, and I had to stay with my best friend and his fiancee for a couple weeks. I decided I needed to tell them and I had to do it while the iron was hot. I mustered up the courage and went for it. Luckily, they had been talking about that show Transparent (on Amazon) so I got to use that as a lead in. Surprisingly, telling them came easy this time! It wasn't a huge deal, it was more like I was just letting them in on a something they had never known about me. I told them everything and let them ask questions. They were kind of enthralled by the revelation - who knew! They offered so much love and support, and assured me that they would never betray my trust by outing me to anyone.

With each of these instances of coming out, I made sure to show a couple pictures (just a few though - never wanted to come off as voyeuristic). The idea being, I knew if I didn't, then they would fill in the blanks with their imagination. They appreciated it and commented how pretty I was as a girl.

A couple days after that, I was getting ready to go out with my friend I met online. I was running late, and after venting my frustrations, my best offered to give me a ride (I was going to take an Uber originally). To my amazement, it wasn't weird at all! He was super gentlemanly and even opened the car door for me, without even a hint of irony. A couple weeks later, I made dinner for the two of them in gal mode and we hung out, and again, it was just comfortable. Total acceptance. And his fiancee and I have fun talking about makeup and clothes and feminism, it's great.

What once was a huge source of stress and shame has become something I love about myself. I love being different. I love being a shapeshifter. I love being...me. Sorry if thats corny, but I never would've expected this turn of events in a million years. I'm so happy. And now I'm kind of at the point where I don't feel like I need to put so much effort into hiding. I'm wearing whatever clothes I want when I go out. If anyone is bothered by it, who cares? That's their own toxic hangups and I couldn't care less (obviously safety and smart decision making is key). If friends, family, coworkers find out, then I know I'll have the confidence to handle that when it comes.

I agree with everyone here that you have to be cautious and don't want to just jump in and out yourself to the world if you're not ready, but I do think that if you keep yourself open to the idea of being increasingly honest to people, and keep an eye for opportunities, then you can start with very low risk scenarios and work your way up, so that telling your friend doesn't have to be this massive weighty secret to burden them with. (Lastly, about a week ago I told a girl that I started dating recently about my femme side - no big deal!! )

Anyway, that's my story. I can't promise all of it will be applicable to you, but hope some of it helps at least and gives an alternate perspective to the other posters' stories. Whatever you decide, you've only got one life...choose wisely! Best of luck!

[Krisi]

My advice is to tell only those who need to know. In my case, that is my wife and nobody else. That is, of course, if you're not comfortable being known as "the tranny down the street".

Most likely, your wife or parents will keep you secret to themselves because they love you and it may be embarrassing to them to be the wife or parents of a crossdresser. Unless you want to dress around your friend she doesn't need to know about your little "hobby". Nothing good can come from you telling her and it's possible that she may tell others.

I say "No."

[Periwinkle]

My best friend and I have known each other since we were toddlers. She's also pretty open-minded, and in the past she would always make comments about how she wished I would try make-up. Shoot, I learned all my make-up skills from her and YouTube tutorials. She's also more than willing to give me a second opinion when I come up with a new outfit.

So personally, I think it's good to have at least one friend who knows. It's great to have someone to talk to about it.

[CarolBrown]

I will try to make the answer in a nutshell..

Unless you can trust your friend completely and without doubt then don't tell her, even if you have 1% doubt. That level of doubt will amplify and create a level of insecurity within yourself that is very hard to ride. I came out to my wife about a month ago (I have been married over 10 years) and even though I do fully trust her, I am still worried that she may tell someone.

For someone unaware, it can genuinely be earth shattering news that you are a cross dresser. Think about all the questions you will be given (let your mind run wild, you may well be asked questions that you had not thought about) and see if you can sort an answer out, the biggest being 'why?'.

The other thing to prepare for, is the biggest rush of pink mist that you have ever expected (think of a dam breaking and the river rushing through, the dam being your closet door)...

[Krisi]

My best friend and I have known each other since we were toddlers. She's also pretty open-minded, and in the past she would always make comments about how she wished I would try make-up. Shoot, I learned all my make-up skills from her and YouTube tutorials. She's also more than willing to give me a second opinion when I come up with a new outfit.

So personally, I think it's good to have at least one friend who knows. It's great to have someone to talk to about it.

I'm assuming you are not married. Most wives would not be happy with their husbands having a female "best friend", especially if they spend time together in private.

[Lucy23]

Okay I have a different story. I told my best friend and his fiancee a couple weeks ago and it may have been the best decision of my life. They have been sooo accepting and supportive, and we've all become so much closer as friends as a result.

First of all, it's good to hear it you have found such an amazing and accepting friends, and your easiness and happiness echoed throughout your post. Thank you for the story.

Like you, I too am seeing a therapist because of my depression. I haven't said anything about my crossdressing yet, but he's been immensely helpful throughout. He has created a space I can feel safe and not judged. I never considered crossdressing to be in any way related to the depression; that is why I didn't mention it. That's not to say it's been easy.

What he did help me with was providing a space I can for the first time feel completely accepted, that I can open and find support. Several weeks after the firt session, for the first time in my life, I could honestly say I am proud of myself, that I love wearing women's clothes and be happy about it. With acceptance came the desire to share more of myself with people whom I have come to trust over the years. That's why I asked this question in the first place, to help me gain perspective and decide if it is really a good idea.

Currently, I am moving out and with a new place have come new opportunities. For example, I have left a poncho in the open and when a good male friend's girlfriend saw it, she asked where did I buy it. I casually said I had bought it in a women's department because I liked it and wanted something warm to cover myself, neither batted an eye. In fact, she said it looked really good and we chatted as if nothing happened. I think of this as a testing of waters of some sorts...

So personally, I think it's good to have at least one friend who knows. It's great to have someone to talk to about it.

Yeah, this is something I am looking for...

Unless you can trust your friend completely and without doubt then don't tell her, even if you have 1% doubt.

I am completely sure that if it is anyone aside the therapist to tell, it's her. I'm still thinking about the possible questions, and as well as the "why"

[Lucy23]

So, today I finally did it. I told the friend. She probably knows more about my fears and worries than anybody. Last week we were chatting and I told her that at the time that I wasn't well, that something is bugging me, something about me that I am close to accepting but sometimes it strikes back and it was one of those times. I asked if I could confide in her. She was like of course, you definitely shoud.

There she was, sitting in front of me, and I with a few days of inner rehearsal as to what and how, my heart in throat, voice squeaky... I mean, seriously, what kind of advice is act as if nothing when your whole life was spent hiding it? Anyway, as I talked I noticed she was smiling compassionately. She was like it was the most ordinary thing for a man to do. She asked me a few questions, how I feel about it now, etc.

Basically, she said that it is a part of me, that there is nothing wrong with that, nothing to be ashamed of. I'm really happy to know that there is yet another person aside from my exgirlfriend who's cool with it and says it's okay to be like that.

[Trans_Cate]

That's great Lucy! I find it incredibly sad that so many people get a negative reaction....all we're doing when we open up is being tuthful about who we are.

[Tracii G]

Basically think about how it will effect the person you share the info with.
There have been many times I wanted to tell someone close to me so bad it hurt so I know the feeling.
I did realize in some cases its a huge mistake.
Once you are out you are out and things change.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Lucy, Be sure to read line #4 in my signature......

[Aunt Kelly]

Basically think about how it will effect the person you share the info with.

Terrific advice, Traci. Sometimes it's next to impossible to honestly weigh our motivation/need against the potential impact of acting on that need. I don't mean to say that it's never the right choice to tell someone, but it must be for the right reasons.

[Tracii G]

Some have great luck just blurting things out and getting accepted and I am happy for them.
For me its not worked out very well so my advice may seem jaded to some degree but all I can do is tell it the way I see it.

[Scarlett Viktoria]

I told a couple of friends. The first was the drummer of my old band. He had come out as gay prior and revield a photo of his fiance in drag. I revealed my profile photo. I came very close to telling the other band memebers but from reason didn't. I think if I had that extra 10 seconds of quitet I would have. They are all very liberal and accepting. I also told my best friend from high school. This guy is very accepting of everyone and I don't know him to judge ANYONE. As expected he was cool with it. He lives in CO so we only talk via text or FB so it doesn't ever come up in conversation. Thought about showing a couple pics. Anyway, my wife knows and I told two or three other people I only knew via online to test the waters originally. But again, I was very aware of their acceptance levels.

Just try to think about what you'll get out of telling this person vs what you could lose. But if it sounds like she's open, maybe she is.

[KristinaK]

One way to sort of come out which is actually how I got my start CD was for Halloween. It started as a, I want to cross dress for haloween, to going all out with makeup, shaving, waxing the brows, etc. almost everyone was having fun and didn't bat an eye at it. It allowed me to broach the subject with my wife about doing it more often several years later (now this past year). Asking a friend for help might be a good way to broach the subject.