Harassment or humilitation while out en femme

[Jenny22]

This is from a 'dolovewell' post, yesterday, "I actually had zero trouble going out in public for a couple months, with full confidence, until a group of teenagers humiliated me one night at a JC Penney that set me straight."

The question: if its happened to you, how did you react or what did you do to handle it?

Your personal experiences will surely benefit me as my going out dressed goes as well as others, I'm sure. I recall an old saying to the effect that 'they may kill you, but they won't eat you.'

[AllieSF]

It only happened to me twice. Once while walking to a restaurant and I just ignored it because I already understood that it may happen and by making a big deal out of it, I may ruin my evening out and the same for those with me. The second time was on the subway when a couple of young (13-14 years old) girls with their boyfriends decided to make a scene to their captive audience. I kept quiet as long as I could, and then honestly answered their leading questions. They eventually tired of their game, as teenagers are wont to do. When I got off the train, some passengers apologized for the rude behavior of the young girls.

Moral of those two stories is to try to ignore it and move on. They do it to get a rise out of you. Ignoring it lets them know that their try to upset you didn't work.

[Lana Mae]

Only really out there once. I got one disgusted? look and one confused look and no comments. I even said excuse me in my best Lana Mae voice and got a neutral excuse me back. No harassment or humiliation. I did not dally though because I was walking not standing still. Hugs Lana Mae

[dolovewell]

Chipping in here just to give the context of the story the OP is referring to...

I was roughly about 6 weeks into my crossdressing journey. I was extremely confident, and why not. Before I went out in public I posted photos of me online(that make me cringe today) and I got a conga line of glowing comments saying I passed and such. So why would I doubt them? It's why going out in public was so easy at first, I simply thought I passed, and therefore had nothing to be afraid of. My first ever public outing would have not been a busy mall on Black Friday had I thought I didn't pass.

Looking at these photos today, I have no idea why people told me I pass - I didn't come close. Wig was bad, makeup was amateur and the foundation shade was way too dark, clothes didn't fit right, I didn't wear hip pads, etc. Also I was weighing over 200 pounds, at 6 feet tall, that is just too big, and I had a beer belly. Not the slimmer figure I currently have.

So the night I went to JC Penney, it was a slow night. It was a Friday night, it had been snowing all day and it was freezing outside. I only went because it was the day after New Year's, so they were having a sale. But the store was DEAD. I was one of maybe half a dozen people in there. It was a standalone JC Penney, not one attached to a mall.

Eventually I started seeing a bunch of younger teenagers here and there. They looked like they were up to no good. Why they were there to begin with, or why they chose to hang out in a standalone JC Penney on a Friday Night, I have no idea. Anyway I was there, brimming with confidence just having bought a new wig(the same wig I have in my photos I post here), buying some clothes. I was wearing a navy blue long sleeve top, red lipstick, and white jeans with tan boots. I made my purchase and made my way to the escalator to go to the parking lot.

As I made my way down, a few of the teenagers were behind me on the escalator, and the rest of their group was standing at the bottom of the escalator waiting for them. So I was sandwiched in between them. This meant the group at the bottom got a good look at me. When I got to the bottom, one of the guys in the group shouted out really loud and pointed at me "THAT'S A MAN!!!!". I had a deer in the headlights look on me and was mortifyed. Thank God the store was dead and the only people around to see it were the employees, who just kind of stood there.

My natural instinct was just to get to my car as fast as possible. So I hurried my way toward the exit - but the group decided to follow me. There were probably about 20 of them. A few of them ran infront of me to ask me to my face if I was a man. It felt like being hounded by a group of news reporters. The group behind me were also asking(really loud) "Are you a man?!?". Not to mention all the mockery some of the group was making about me and my appearance. The group literally followed me out the door to my car. I got into my car and they were up on my window asking if I was a man. I drove off.

It was mortifying to say the least. I am just glad it happened at night, in a dead parking lot. My initial reaction was to quit crossdressing, which I didn't end up doing, but I thought about it. I went to the office where I worked to wind down. I took some pictures in there and honesty was not proud of my makeup at all. I actually forgot to fill in my eyebrows, forgot to put on mascara and was wearing brown eyeliner, so that alone did me no favors. I also did a really bad job covering up my beard shadow. It did inspire me to get better at makeup, but at the same time I think it sent me on the wrong track of trying way too hard to pass, which meant buying more expensive makeup and spending a lot of time practicing, which led to me purging a couple months later because it was so stressful. I also no longer had any confidence going out in public and only went out in public a couple more times after that, which were brief outings, before I purged.

The odds of this happening to you are low, just be mindful of any groups of people who may be a problem. It's also the only bad experience I have ever had, and the only time anyone has made a comment about me. At the same time, you have to have your guard up and realize that there are some people out there who will humiliate you to boost themselves within their group. So when I see posts on this board that says "No one cares! No one notices!" I say its partially true. For the most part no one cares or notices, but there is still that small sliver of population out there who does.

Had the group been smaller, maybe I would have handled it differently. But this was a group of 20 hoodlum types, so I was heavily outnumbered and it wasn't worth engaging, especially if they had older brothers.

[Rogina B]

As time goes on,you will find that confidence "grows a look". When you exude confidence in your right to be there,situations as you describe won't happen. They had a sense that you were uncomfortable and played on it.

[TrishaTX]

I have never been harassed maybe a giggle or two. Anything physical wouldn't work out too well for the other person, so I do not fear this.

[IleneD]

AllieSF,

Facing it down, strongly and directly, and with personal dignity takes guts. It's the right thing to do. When you're right, stand your ground (in heels).
Yes. We are part of life's mix.

[Rachelakld]

I've smiled and sometimes said "good day" in my deepest voice before walking off

[docrobbysherry]

I can't pass at all. And, don't dress in granny clothes to blend. I don't go out in vanilla land dressed unless I have. With all the T events I've been to in Vegas, I have to a lot!

I cannot count the number of folks that laffed as I passed. Or commented, "OMG!", "That was a man!", "WTF was that?", and so on and so on.

Of course, the rudest thing I heard at my last T event there came from another T. Not a passable one either, "OMG! that's the weirdest thing I've ever seen!"

Usually I just ignore them. But, sometimes I do what Allie mentioned. I'll turn, smile and wave. Or, wish them a nice vacation. Or even drop a wise crack, "What? The shoes and purse clash don't they? Darn! I knew it!"

[Krisi]

I once got a disgusted look from a middle aged woman in a mall that was closing and nearly disserted. It made me feel bad and I returned home. Nothing was said. Each situation is different, of course, but in most cases I think it's best to try to ignore any looks or comments and move on.

In the case of dolovewell's situation, that can be difficult. My thought is, if someone asks me if I'm a man I would just ask them "Does it matter?" and hope that would end the conversation. If not, walking away and ignoring them would be my second choice.

[Pat]

When you're in the middle of it, all you can do is use your situational awareness to decide how to react. I have never been directly addressed. I have had people make comments to their friends with the intent I overhear them. I usually look at them and smile a smile that I hope conveys that yes, they are correct and I don't care.

Afterward the important thing to do for yourself is figure out why it bothered you, if it did. That way you can turn it into a learning experience. Early on I would be upset that I didn't pass. And then I had to work out if passing was really something I wanted to do. (It turns out that's not really what success is to me.) I gradually internalized what one of my TS friends had told me the first time I went out: you have to understand that you belong wherever you are; you have a right to be here. And from that you can take on a confidence that people can sense. If you think you don't belong where you are, why should they think otherwise? And they'll read that in your movements and your presentation. But if there's no question in your mind that you belong exactly where you are, exactly how you look, then they're powerless.