I started seeing a therapist for anxiety and depression a few months ago, and I have to say - I highly endorse it! I didn't go in with the specific thought that I would talk about my crossdressing. It took me about six visits to get there, but I'm so glad I did! As someone who's still "in the closest," I can't begin to explain how amazing it is to be able to speak out loud with another human being about it. I mean, this forum is great and all, but I haven't been all that active recently, because it just felt like treading water. It really helped me feel less alone, and it's so encouraging to see all the stories about coming out to SOs. But after five years, I needed more help. And I'm getting it.
One of things that always held me back from seeing a therapist was I had convinced myself whomever I saw would say, "You have to tell your wife!" And that felt like a non-started for me (even though I want to anyway). One of the first things he said was, "Let's say you decide to tell your wife (and I'm not endorsing this one way or the other.)" That was all I had to hear, and I became so much more comfortable and able to talk. And eventually, it came out that I really do want to tell her, but have always been too terrified. So we're working through that now.
It's interesting how many things I've read on the forum have been echoed by my therapist - there's some smart people here! One of the themes has been self-acceptance, and he's very adamant that I don't try to tell my wife until I've accepted this about myself. A lot of our time spent today was trying to get to the bottom of not so much why I crossdress, but what feels good about it. And even more importantly, allowing myself to enjoy it. It's the one place in my life where I can do something totally and completely for myself, without worrying about what others think. In may case, he believes part of the reason I get so anxious in other parts of my life is because I need to let myself feel the same joy I feel while en femme into all areas of my life. But accepting that the dressing is ok is the first step in that direction.
When I tried to explain the absolute sense of joy you get when looking in the mirror and seeing your feminine self looking back at you, he interrupted me and said, "You've solved a problem that 95% percent of the adult population has forgotten - how to be child." That really struck me, but it's so true. As adults we get so beaten into submission, or conformity, I guess, that you ignore the things that give you the most joy. Look at how kids, when they are young, do what feels right to them. Society (and religion, and other things) teach you to feel guilty about feeling good, so you end up getting self-conscious and inhibited. This alone is helping me move beyond the guilt.
The other thing that really helped today was discussing what many of us know as the "compulsion," that almost uncontrollable urge that comes over us when the opportunity to dress is there. I've done a lot to move past this by just giving in rather than fighting, but the feeling that this is just some sort of addiction, like alcoholism or something, still lingers. But talking it over, we surmised that a lot of this comes from being so repressed in most other areas of my life, that when this opportunity to "be yourself" arises, your being wants to take advantage of it to the fullest extent. It's the best emotional release. As he said, this is your one opportunity to truly be who you really are. The fear of getting caught and the guilt over doing something outside the societal norm likely compounds these feelings of compulsion. But it's not the same thing as being a drug addict, it's your brain wanting the opportunity to be happy and content. You are who you are and you like what you like (and I yam what I yam and that's all that I yam!).
And on the topic of "being yourself," I really like how he tied it to just being me, whoever that is, and not "over-intellectualizing" it (his word). In other words, whenever I started going down the path of "the girl within" or being more towards the feminine side of the gender spectrum, he'd stop me cold, and get me back to just talking about how crossdressing made me feel, emotionally, rather than getting into these kind of abstract concepts. I know we're all different, but for me, this was a huge revelation. It's helping me stop obsessing about, "am I male of female" and lets me just accept myself.
Ultimately, where he's trying to get me to is a place where I can be honest with my wife about why I like to dress. When I explained the overall sense of joy and happiness I feel, rather than trying to explain "why" dressing makes me feel that way, he said, "Shouldn't that be enough for your wife?" I know that it's more complicated than that, but it does help remove a lot of the doubt about those other nagging questions (are you gay, do you want to be a woman, am I not attractive anymore, etc.) Obviously, everyone needs to answer those questions for themselves. But in my case, when the answer to all those things was a resounding "no", then that's all that was left is, "then what the hell is wrong with me?!?" He's helping me realize that the simple pleasure of doing it should me more than enough.
All this to say, I'm still freaking out about the inevitable coming out to my wife, but as I've said on here ad nauseum, I believe she's a very tolerant and open-minded person, who I believe loves me enough to work past this with me.
I hope some of this is helpful to others, it certainly is helping me. I'd love to hear what others might think.
Hugs,
Arianna
Originally Posted by Becky Blue
