The Talk 2. Steps forward, Steps back

[IleneD]

It's been about 10 weeks since The Talk. You know the one. The coming out talk.
Long, complex, difficult. At the end The SO assumed the perspective of "I'm OK with it. Not enthused, but I love you. That's what matters."

In the time since there's been time to think about living with a crossdresser husband; all a new revelation (but not total surprise) after being together for 39 yrs.

She's seeing changes in my appearance (obviously more feminized, ears pierced,etc.) in my daily male attire. And she's a bit alarmed at changes in my personal affect; mannerisms, my walk, gestures, and so forth. Much of that, I confess, I hadn't thought much about how my recent change of spirit may inadvertently be reflected in my manner.
We were at a party where I was talking to our table about one of my exploits (for lack of a better term), and later my SO told me she was watching a completely unknown person to her. I guess I was more animated, flamboyant (more than usual?), facial expressions she'd not seen.

I also understand from her perspective, as stated by SO, that the Man she knew and loved was (and is) a 6'3", 215 lb, fighter pilot, still in good shape; got his man-card punched in almost every way possible. She said she almost grieves at the loss, and trying to understand.

The things we walked away with from Talk 2

1. She doesn't understand it, and is afraid of escalation; more acting out.
2. Will never escort me outside the house dressed. Emphasis never at this time. The possibility of me 'taking it outside the house' I mentioned in relation to Halloween, and possibly using it as a safe place to dress. (no!).
3. She's scared to death that the neighbors and, worse yet, THE KIDS and GRANDKIDS will know. Somehow all this leads to personal, financial and reputation ruin.
BUT:
She's OK with dressing at home.
She offered to help with makeup. She's helped me shop and buy clothes.

I blame myself in many ways. My exuberance at reclaiming that inner femme part of me led to a case of TOO MUCH TOO SOON. Its not that I was dressing a lot. Very little, in fact. But I did add a lot of femme items to my everyday wear. Panties, bras many times. Got my ears pierced (love them). Wear my fancy headscarf more often.

I know your advice is to have the SO join the SO Support Group. I get that. I just want to get THERE. To get her there with me. I wanted to toss this out because it was kind of a set-back. We have a great marriage. I'm not worried about it so much; concerned to prioritize it but not worried.

I HAD TO VENT

[Kelly Whelan]

I think you mentioned it yourself but it sounds like the incorporation of your female self into your male self might have been unsettling for her.

I am in a similar position with my wife in that she is OK with it so long as it is not something she notices. We don't talk about it any more than we need to and I keep in compartmentalised. I remember the enthusiasm I felt though after her and I finally broke ground on the issue. I had to hold myself back; stories, anecdotes, frustrations, successes, etc.

Just my input.

[bridget thronton]

She has not told still being supportive (shopping and makeup) - so perhaps be patient and let her adjust to the new you. Sounds like her love will always be there.

[Kiersten]

Be patient these things take time. She may still be trying to process it all.

[OCCarly]

My wife has a lot of the same concerns.

I understand about the neighbors. But the one time I was seen driving to group in makeup and wearing oversize girly sunglasses, it was by the young hipsters on the corner and they didn't care.

With kids and grandkids, if your kids are much under 50 years old, they are not going to be troubled by it unless they are hard core religious. It won't trouble the grandkids at all. Millennials honestly don't care how you express gender as long as it makes you happy.

Ultimately I decided to just go forward with my gender transition, but to fly under the radar as much as possible. Even though my formerly close cropped hair is now 4 inches long, I carry a man purse and wear skinny jeans and flats all the time, no one has said anything yet.

The one time I go out in full girl mode is to my support group, first for the group meeting and then out to dinner with my girls afterward.

My one suggestion for you would be to see if your wife would let you join a support group, or go to "trans night" at a local bar if you live in a large city. You can always get mostly girled up at home, then wear sweats over your clothes and carry a bag for the wig and shoes for the drive past the neighbors. I've been going to my support group once a week for five months now and never had a problem.

[Teresa]

Ilene,
I can understand the comment about seeing a totally different person from the one she knew. Macho fighter pilot to someone with obvious female traits, I didn't have that problem, I was a self employed photographer for thirty years my wife was use to me doing doing strange things in the interest of getting the right response from my subjects. I guess it's where I get the confidence from about not worrying what people think or not being afraid to make a conversation with anyone.

To take up some of your points:-
1) Escalation, the thought is always there.
2)Never to escort me out the house, well my wife does give me the all clear on the mobile phone so I can go to my social meetings but she'll never attend, in fact I prefer she doesn't now.
3)Neighbours are her problem, not mine, my kids both know as do there married partners, I haven't had a problem with that, grandchildren don't know but my daughter doesn't have a problem with the granddaughter knowing.
I dress at home but she doesn't wish to see me. I asked once when I started to go out if she would help in any way , she totally refused, but obviously knows I shop.

I would have given anything for my wife to share my CDing but I accept it's never going to happen, now I prefer to shop alone, to chose and put together my outfits and find out the finer points of makeup. OK in my case I live a double life, I'm not totally happy about it , I told my wife I do enjoy it now but will still try and maintain the aspects of being a husband, father and grandfather. I told her if that caused a problem I would move out rather than her losing contact with the children and grandchildren, they are her life now, I know I'm secondary to them.

[char GG]

Slow down, you were married a long time before the reveal. She may feel deceived and trapped into something she never bargained for. Most likely she will not be jumping for joy.

I would suggest that you make sure she sees the man she married, date, do man-woman things together. Take vacations as a couple. Some CDers get so into themselves, they don't see the debris left in their wake. Don't make shopping excursions all about your quest for girl clothes for you It will take time, maybe a long time. Make sure she knows that her position as wife is not being replaced by your woman image. None of this may pertain to you or your situation so forgive me for generalizing. Good luck to you both.

[IleneD]

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Some of the best advice of the type "I knew all along" I've received. A great reminder.
We do all that now. What I like best of your words was "Some CDers get so into themselves, they don't see the debris..." I knew there would be some with Coming Out. Just didn't know the forms it could take.

Thanks Char. Personally appreciate it.

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Teresa,]

I truly appreciate your response. One of the things I'm understanding about "coming out' is that even a partial victory is a victory (i.e., being able to assume The Dress without being dishonest in a relationship).
She says herself that its radical changes and a long learning curve.

Nice that someone who understands, cares.

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Kelly,
Yours' was the first advice remark I read, and the one I've thought about all day.
Funny you mention compartmentalization. As a pilot I was great at that. Your best reminder was to restrain thyself. Curb my enthusiasm.
Thanks.

[Aunt Kelly]

Sorry for the late response, Ilene, but you and I are so much alike (pilots, retired from seriously macho professions, get a certain amount of juice out of risk taking, etc.) that I just had to reach out.

...I also understand from her perspective, as stated by SO, that the Man she knew and loved was (and is) a 6'3", 215 lb, fighter pilot, still in good shape; got his man-card punched in almost every way possible. She said she almost grieves at the loss, and trying to understand.

Is that man truly lost to her? I ask because I believe it matters to both of you, but for different reasons. From what you relate, she is clearly perceiving a loss because, even in boy mode, you seem different to her. No doubt, she is acutely aware of any little difference and may fear that these changes will continue and/or accelerate. You've probably already been wondering the same thing. Only you will be able to say, and by no means do I suggest that you will find the answer quickly or easily. Maybe, like a lot of us, you will find that crossdressing, as fabulous as it is, is as far as you want to go. Maybe you want to express that feminine part of yourself more fully, as in full-time and as in more permanent. Again, it's OK to not know, but your wonderful wife is certainly wondering, and maybe a little bit scared. You owe it to both of you to ask those questions of yourself and share the answers as they come to you.

Meanwhile, if you can, make sure that she knows "that man" is still there for her. I can't tell how important that has been for my wife. Oh, she has some of the same fears, mostly about me being outed and suffering for it, but I've come to learn that the most important thing I can do for her is to let her know that I am not going away. I may look and act different from time to time, but I've managed, I hope, to show her that the important part of me, of us, isn't going anywhere. Even if you can do that, which is to say that you are not on a path where "that man" actually is going away, it will still take time. Let it.

Hugs.

[Lucy23]

Ilene, you said that your dressing wasn't a total surprise to your wife; but at the same time she's a bit alarmed at certain changes and said that she had been watching a different person. As others have suggested, make sure she knows you are the same man (maybe show her something of the man you described in the "What does being a man mean to you" thread is still out there).

But I was thinking more of this way. If it wasn't a total surprise, what about trying to tell her in the next conversation that the man she has known and loved is like that even before he came out? That the feminine aspects of your personality make you you? Then again, I have never been in a situation like that and this might be utterly bad idea to begin with...

I hope all goes well.