going out would be coming out

[robbieatbest]

I had a very comfortable evening out at a nearby friend's place with another couple who know I cross dress. I wore jeggings and ankle boots with a short hippy type dress covered by a long rain court on the way there and back. Just a short walk and dark, I don't think we passed anyone. It felt very good and most of the time i was relaxed and only occasionally thought about what I was wearing. The previous afternoon I saw a flyer advertising a LGBTQ ball in February at our local concert hall. The Lavender cafe orchestra play the dance music and even teach the steps. I am fantasising about going, how great it would feel dancing in a glamorous dress and being with other people - maybe some CDers? However if I did that would really mean coming out - I would not pass as a woman and I would be recognised - its a smallish place.
My wife is very supportive but I aren't sure she would be keen, especially as it is so local. We do have gay and lesbian friends, should I ask if they are going and then go with a group for that feeling of support?
Cheers
Robbie

[Teresa]

Robbie,
Please don't take this the wrong way but at our age we should stop the ifs and buts and just go out and do it. If you are looking for a social group please PM me and maybe you can come down and join us .We meet at a small hotel and conference centre so it's safe and we do have limited dressing facilities , you get a reasonable bar snack and there is a bar.

[I Am Paula]

Maybe ask those who might recognize you, what they are doing there.

[Helen_Highwater]

Robbie,

Going out near where you live will always carry an element of risk for those who want to keep their CD'ing secret. Pubs and restaurants close to the venue may be frequented by people who know you. If enfemme getting out of the house or from where you park into the venue leave you potentially exposed to being recognised. I was out driving one night enfemme when I was flashed by the car behind me. Turned out to be a friend who recognised my number plate so these things do happen.

You know the lay of the land so it's down to you to make that risk assessment. Teresa's offer is a god way of experiencing getting out enfemme in a controlled environment where you're guaranteed to feel welcomed and can put fears of recognition to the back of your mind.

Alternatively narrow down your location and ask if anyone here goes to a group/social that's within easy access but far enough away from home to allay your fears.

[Aunt Kelly]

My wife is very supportive but I aren't sure she would be keen, especially as it is so local. We do have gay and lesbian friends, should I ask if they are going and then go with a group for that feeling of support?

Your wife needs to have the final say here, IMO. If you and she are both OK with you coming out, and being known forevermore as "that" person, then I'm with Teresa. Go for it. And please don't think I am necessarily painting a negative picture. If the two of you have what it takes to carry it off, you might find yourself enjoying a certain celebrity. I lived for a long while in a city whose unofficial ambassador was an over-the-top drag queen. I mean she was a staple in the society pages. I am certainly not saying you need to go that far, but if the cultural waters are suitable, maybe it's worth making a little bit of a splash. No? And if not, that's OK too. Just make sure to consider your spouses feelings with a bit more weight than your own.

[Tracii G]

Here is a novel idea ask your wife if she wants to go.
Maybe try harder with your make up (if you use it) step up your game a little rather than complain because passing isn't easy for any of us.
Its really disheartening to hear people say oh I wish I could go out enfemme. Sure you can you just have to put more effort into your look if it needs it then walk out the door,off the porch and go wherever it is you want to go.

[Valery L]

Even if you do not pass, that does not imply that you will be recognized. There is a big difference between people knowing you are a crossdresser, and people actually finding out who are you. Believe me, makeup and a wig change a lot the appearance of someone.

[Tracy Irving]

It is always easier in a group setting so, if you really want to go, ask some friends as well as your wife to join you.

[Teresa]

Valery ,
I found that by an experiment my counsellor did when she was trying to reassure me . She took one of my pictures and asked the receptionist if the person in the picture had arrived for the appointment yet, she took a good look and said she hadn't seen her arrive. She came back with a big smile ,I thing it made my counsellors day as well as mine.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

While agreeing with Teresa's sentiments in principle, it's still an irreversible step which you should not take unless you - and your wife - are completely comfortable with the long term implications. Your wife may be supportive - and all credit to her - but you owe it to her to stay within her comfort zone and not ask more than she feels completely comfortable with.

I'd suggest that you and she go, but that you go in drab. I'm sure you'd both enjoy it anyway. That way your wife will see exactly what is involved and who is there, then next year, or at a similar type of event, you and she will have the opportunity to revisit the decision.

Be prudent, even if it means compromise.

[Krisi]

Going out dressed in your hometown brings with it the risk of being recognized. The greatest risk is just leaving and re-entering your neighborhood and your home. The risk increases greatly if you have your wife with you as she will be recognized and folks will figure out that the "woman" with her is you.

Coming out or being recognized as a crossdresser is something you can't take back. Once they see you, you will always be a crossdresser in people's minds. It can hurt your career and your social life. It can be an embarrassment for your wife and children.

Only you and your wife can decide if these things matter to you, not strangers on the Internet.

Going to an event in another city would be a lot safer.

[Stephanie Julianna]

Whatever you decide make sure your wife is O.K. with it but I agree that if you run into someone you know the question is also about why they are there as well. I'm a little bit older but I find I worry less now than ever. I am what I am. Deal with it. Also, no one you know is looking for you there either. just enjoy the moment. Go for it.

[rachael.davis]

You're right, going out is coming out, and it's great. On the other hand you're going out at a Tgbl event, not at the he man lumberjack woman haters club convention. Go, enjoy it and for goodness sake include your approving supportive wonderful wife.

[robbieatbest]

Thank you all for your advice. It is seems as though the the overwhelming opinion is not to put my wife on the spot or embarrass her. I will make sure she (and me) only does what she is comfortable with. The fact that it is a LGBT event does make it different. I will ask my wife about going by myself and see what she says. As I said I have some lesbian friends who might want to go and so I maybe could be with them. It is going dressed and being in company that is the draw. Although I do like dancing it isn't an event I would normally go to. Plenty of time for me to think about it.
Cheers
Robbie

[Mark B]

My wife has been very supportive of my CDing. We have gone out shopping together for women's clothes but with me in men's clothing. In the dressing rooms I still get nervous coming out to let her see me, afraid someone would recognize me in the store. She has said that if I want to pursue this more she would like to take me out for dinner in the future, but not till we have done some short trips out and to see if I can handle being seen as a CD. My first impression was that since at home I never wear wig, that we would go out without a wig, clearing showing everyone I was a man (hopefully comfortable) wearing women's clothes. But I asked her what she was expecting she said that she really wanted me to be a feminine as possible. Since then we have bought breasts and hip and butt pads. I like to overdress and a bit younger for my age, 4"high heels, short skirts, etc. My wife is in her early forties and in great shape and dresses as I do. Our first outing will be hopefully just drive to a park in the late evening and walk around a bit getting use to walking in heels on varying surfaces. The wife thinks that this will lead us to walking form the park to a small clothing store next to the park and do some shopping while dressed as Martha. Sounds like a plan, we will see. But I think I am ready. I know the wife is looking forward to it. But I chickened out when it came time to go out last time. So still waiting for that first time out. I think after that it will all become much easier.

[robbieatbest]

hello there
I recently told you about my dilemma about going out would mean coming out. I had some sound advice from some of you and thought that my first step would be to ask the wife. I said I was thinking of going to a LGBTQ ball at a local hall. She said yes why not? I said because there will be people who recognise me she said well it is LGBTQ so that shouldn't matter. I then said that I wasn't expecting her to go with me. She said why not? She explained that she did not want to go out with me dressed "in public" walikng through the streets, going to a pub etc. but going to a n event planned and for LGBTQ people should be a safe space.
So I have booked the tickets. Now I am on a diet and wondering about what to wear.
Very positive.
Cheers
Robbie

[stlmichelle]

Thats wonderful, sounds like you have a wonderful wife.

[Rachael Leigh]

Sounds great best of luck to you

[pantywaver]

Thats great, I hope you and your wonderful wife have a good time.

[Tracy Irving]

Have fun with whatever you decide to wear. I would love to wear a ball gown to a ball.

[Lana Mae]

You and your wonderful wife have a great time and Merry Christmas! Hugs Lana Mae

[Beverley Sims]

Checking with your friends sounds like a good plan.

I would go down that track.