When you retire from cd'ing, do you get a pension?
jodi
When you retire from cd'ing, do you get a pension?
jodi
I totally agree with this, but maybe just one of them could come on here and tell us they were successful although, as you imply, they probably can't be bothered - or don't exist.Originally Posted by Jennie-cd
A girl can never have too many dresses
I do, too. One thing I wanted to add to this conversation after reviewing it and reading the latest, is that age 30 is probably the big bulge in the bell curve of when people like us really take stock and come to terms with whatever this is to us. It was exactly at 30 for me that my youthful defenses just peeled away and broke down, leaving me to sort it out as an inescapable reality that I was stuck with.
"And the one fundamental fact that has been overlooked here is that we do not choose the desire to crossdress (or to be transgender, for that matter) - it chooses us. And this desire is a harsh and unforgiving mistress whose control over us we can only manage by coming to terms with it and aiming for a peaceful co-existence with her, rather than assuming that we can ever banish her for good."
Ellie Summer;4037295I love this quote
It's not surprising that a passionate, even headstrong and impulsive, person at 27 would experience a binary paroxysm like this. Kind of like the volcano bulging before the big blow?
And that was kinda my point. For someone who got REALLY in to it, realized they looked pretty good, was having some doubt about gender ID, came from a conservative and religious background, I'm guessing there's internal conflict going on. Like a bunch:
- Anger(came through some of the posts about getting PM's about meeting up, and others)
- denial(self admitted)
- bargaining(if I can just get my bench up to 300 and grow a wicked Viking beard I'll have this girl crap beat and can be the warrior I really think I am, plus I'll go back to church and pray really hard and promise to do my best if God just does his part)
Maybe he's got it beat. If so, my sincere congratulations, though you aren't seeing this
If not, I hope he deals with it in a healthy way, rather than the big blow.
Just like Bigfoot but we all KNOW there is no such thing. Occams razor is the answer.
Stop the world I want to get off...... Yes.
Retire from my present activities... ? NO!
Work on your elegance,
and beauty will follow.
I'm not so sure, to me it is more like he's feeling insecure in his masculinity because of the economic issues and is over-compensating by retreating into testosterone-y fervor.
Perhaps, but he might end up with a non-accepting wife if he meets her in his macho/MRA/"game" mode. Which will lead into the "I married you because you were a macho man and now I find out you crossdress" thing when he gets found out.But, he will likely return to it at some point in the future when his life and finances are stable again, after which he'll maybe prioritize finding a GG life parter (when he might quit again), but when that relationship settles, he'll likely start up again.
Reine, IMHO this IS a form of thinly disguised shame. I've seen this pattern before.People think that CDers always quit due to shame but this blogger's experiences shows this isn't true.
Agreed.
And that is why I think this retirement is more about shame and self-acceptance than anything else with the whole "have I told you how much of a macho gym rat and straight I am today?" thing.
That is not an un-common pattern here, we've seen it before, we'll see it again.
Agreed, that's another reason why I think it is more about shame/guilt/self acceptance.A buff male physique and strongly preferring facial hair and almost angrily asserting that s/he wants to be a guy is just dissonant with spending one's last dime on a crossdressing kit, only to have no use for it within months.
It was articulately put, and I believe heartfelt, but this person needs counseling, not abrupt episodes of denial and about-faces.
Ha ha ha ha. I often refer to the various trans-things as "This Thing of Ours (of varying kinds)" a la one of the names for the Mafia..."Our Thing/Cosa Nostra" and I call transness in general "This Thing of Ours" in my sig.
I also think that is part of it.
Indeed, what some call "internalized transphobia"
I doubt it, considering how often this pattern has occured before. I'd lay odds on him meeting and marrying some woman during the hiatus, he'll think he's cured, only to start up in a few years, she finds out says the usual "I thought I married a macho man" thing, and he ends up back here again in a DADT relationship at best.If not, I hope he deals with it in a healthy way, rather than the big blow.
You there! Stop bringing logic and common sense into a crossdressing-centric forum!
Veronica
If you believe in it, makeup has a magic all it's own -- Sooner or Later (TV movie)
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?- Marianne Williamson
Have I also not said that "This Thing of Ours" makes some of us a bit "Barefoot in the Head"? Well, it does.
I will miss him/her on this forum but we must all decide what's best for ourselves. It's a common thought on this forum that one cannot quit crossdressing but of course, we are only hearing from the ones who have not quit. I believe you can quit if that's what you want to do and I wish him/her the best of luck.
No, just the gold ladies' wristwatch.
Well, while my money would be on a return at some point, maybe not for a very long time.... still, we say over and over that cding/tg is so broad. And in this person's life experience, their masculinity may truly be a stronger drive and the cding does do exactly what they are saying. I'm saying it's possible. I'm saying that it may really be the correct decision. It may be not just denial or scary freak out too close for comfort kinda thing. It's probably that, but not necessarily.
Yes, this happens too. Some of our TS members have said that they used to think they were CDers. But the difference is, (as mentioned earlier), it doesn't scale back for a TS, as is evidenced by the fact that they end up transitioning. But, it does for a CDer (i.e. the blogger) because different life priorities emerge occasionally. The point is, if someone is a woman born in a male body, the female identity is not something that ebbs and flows. It is always there, even if it takes awhile to realize it.
But why did you bring up being TS in your post that I quoted. Isn't this a thread about a CDer whose life priorities right now are such that he feels it is best to move on?
Reine
I wonder if the blogger is just trying to find some balance. Forgoing other pleasurable activities in favour of just one is quite unbalanced, and I would say that about both bodybuilding and CDing.
I was a hard core bodybuilder back in the day, and it definitely had a detrimental impact on the relationship I had with my then wife. Special diets, three hour gym sessions, regulated rest days, and etc are hard for other people to cope with. And, if you do it enough you end up looking quite weird.
I never got that hardcore into CDing, but I can see how it could happen. An all over tan, full body shaving, spray tans, lycra briefs, and constant posing in front of a mirror or camera. Come on. They're part of the same thing. Whatever that is.
Both are incredibly individualistic and selfish.
Last edited by Robert; 12-20-2016 at 08:53 AM. Reason: Correct grammar
I’m not wearing women’s clothes.
I bought them. I’m wearing my clothes.
Eddie Izzard
It was one of a few things I brought up in my post. I brought that up because DLW himself mentioned in a thread here that he was probably in denial about being TS. Which to me would be a sign that it's fairly unlikely his battle to free of all things transiness will be victorious.
Of the various ideas I mentioned, why did you choose to focus on the TS related one?
Of course it is. It's about a crossdresser, not a transsexual.
I feel this blogger's farewell post is a dead on example of the conflict we all have faced in dealing with our special calling. "I am not this, I will leave it behind, etc.". Gosh, if I had a thousand bucks for every "I am/no I'm not" moment I've had I would be very wealthy. Best of luck to him on his journey - wherever it takes him.
Right on, Miss Tee - referring to our needs as a "special calling" is probably one of the better ways that I have seen it described because that definition resonates on so many levels. It's a need, a compulsion, an addiction, a calling...however one wants to describe it, but the net result is the same - it's part of us, it won't let go of us, and it drives us to do what we do.
Everyone has their own particular "hot" button that defines and drives them - politicians and entertainers who crave the attention they get, executives and leaders of organizations who need the adrenalin rush of power, environmentalists and members of the clergy whose self-appointed mission is to save the world from itself, crossdressers who need to experience their "second life" first hand etc., etc.
Look at all the aging rock stars from the 1960's and upwards who just can't let it go, retire to a life of golf, and enjoy their millions. They just need to do what they do and keep on performing, no matter how pathetic they may look at some point.
I've felt like this blogger before, at times I've felt like I was done with this for one reason or another. Some of the reasons he mentions make no sense to me, like working out or not being wealthy, haven't stopped me from dressing. Anyway, to each his own but I'd be surprised if he doesn't return to this "hobby" at some point in his life, especially since he's relatively young
A person needs balance in life. Any activity can become all consuming...time and money wise. An activity may also limit friendships and family interactions. How many people are addicted to harmful activities; drugs (legal and illegal), alcohol, excessive gambling? I can imagine a cross dresser with a compulsive personality who will do nothing at all unless it is cross dressing motivated. The blogger points out financial difficulties. That can happen with any activity. A wife may be supportive, but, spend to many dollars on heels and endless amounts of lingerie and the tune will change.
I saw a lot of rationalizing in the blogger's exit post. In the end the question still comes down to the big "why." Why do I do what I do? It's not what enjoyment I get from cross dressing. Sure I get some degree of serenity from wearing women's clothing. Am I trying to escape the stresses society places on me because I am a man? There is a reason, be it known or unknown, why a man will don women's clothing.
There have been times during my adult life when I have had absolutely no thoughts of wearing women's clothing. And, that time span covered many years. Then there has been times when it was as if I needed that "next fix." For the last decade I have been on an even keel.
I suspect our blogger friend has not seen the last of his desires to emulate a woman. I suspect when the planets align the pull will be there again. Balance and moderation.
I don't really see myself retiring anytime soon. Especially not for the same reasons as that blogger. I'm super frugal, so I don't spend a ton of money on my crossdressing. I'm also not exceptionally masculine. When I quit in high school, I did it because I wanted to be just like all the other guys, who were all really masculine. I also did it because I felt like I had to compensate for my slow physical development. Needless to say, it didn't really help me at all, but at least I learned to never retire again. It only leads to a boring wardrobe and fake friends.
No one retires from crossdressing. And we'll leave the light on.
It may be for some people but it is not for others. I often see this or similar posts and I wonder if people crossdressers post this sort of thing just to convince themselves that it's OK to crossdress because "nobody can quit".
As I posted above, people who have quit crossdressing don't typically participate in crossdressing forums so judging based on crossdressing forum members is invalid. Look at how many people have joined this forum over the years and how many are active posters. Did the rest of them die? Or maybe they just lost interest in crossdressing and took up golf or fishing instead.
I know that in my lifetime I have been very interested and involved with many different hobbies but eventually found new interests and drifted away from the old ones. I'll bet most people are pretty much the same.
If anyone feels they are "addicted" to crossdressing, they have a problem and should seek help.
For those who say that everyone (or even many or most) who no longer posts here actually quit CD'ing: I take it, then, that every single internet forum that you *ever* posted on, regardless of its subject matter, you're still an active member of?
Please.
Again, all kinds of people stop participating in all kinds of forums for all kinds of reasons, all the time.
Anyway, there's someone here who didn't dress for 34 YEARS -- but started back up again. Did they "quit"? I suppose if you questioned them at any point during those 34 years, the answer would be yes. Ask them today, and the answer would be pretty obvious.
I'm not saying it's impossible to quit for the rest of one's life. But that certainly doesn't mean they're still not getting even the occasional urges, and that certainly doesn't mean they're necessarily happy about it, even subconsciously; nor does it mean they're necessarily completely fulfilled, that they don't feel anything is missing from their life.
And no, I don't see CD'ing as a hobby. In some sense, it is for some people. Yet at other levels, it most definitely is not.
With respect, I don't think crossdressing can be dismissed or downplayed as just another hobby from which one might come and go. I've done that with golf over the years, and my songwriting and performing, but this is different (at least for me). Those activities, those hobbies or avocations, don't have a source deep down in my psyche (although the creative work of songwriting may get as close as anything else) that seems indelible and permanent, inescapable and impossible to ignore or disregard. It's not an "interest"; it's a part of who I am.
I see posters here who are very new to it at relatively advanced ages, and I suppose that phenomenon may be in the nature of taking up a new hobby without it having been intertwined in one's childhood and early development, but I also see many more whose memories of this differentness go back as far as their memories go back. The whole idea is rife with potential for powerful denial, hyper-categorizing to assure ourselves that we're not "like that", drinking/drugging/distracting/obsessing/praying it away from the front burner, and dismissive opinions asserted as fact. It's to be expected when we challenge a powerful taboo.
And why would any sane male deliberately set out to challenge a powerful taboo simply as a way to fill spare time? Life would be soooo much easier without it, even if many of us understand that, after a lifetime (so far) of experiencing it, there would likely be much that we would miss if Big Pharma came up with the miracle CD-blocker pill tomorrow. Quite frankly, I don't know how that would work anyway. How could a pill take away the urge (which might quite accurately be termed a compulsion, even an addiction, if we can separate those terms from pejorative connotations) and leave the memories without inducing some kind of new stress, some sense of loss?
I guess my point is that we can rationalize who we are and what we do until closing time, and a closeted 30-year-old from the South is likely to come up with different opinions than a socially comfortable 60-year-old Californian, but, for whatever we see of periodic or temporary participation here, there are as many stories and as many reasons as there are members and guests. One size does not fit all, but the adamant extremes expressed in the OP's link are familiar to many of us old hands. We've heard this story before, and that makes us skeptical of anyone who found their way here (and maintained a blog about it) simply willing it away like a hobby that's no longer interesting.
Hmmm...so I guess by that reasoning, there are "good" addictions such as workaholism, jogging, bodybuilding, and dedicating one's life to public service the way some career politicians do because the outcomes are generally considered positive, and we don't worry too much about the collateral damage to others such as family members who are indirectly impacted by these obsessions.
Funny how crossdressing presumably falls into the "bad" category in your view if it becomes addictive, and seeking professional help to deal with it is then indicated. And yet, when it comes to joggers or long distance runners who keep doing their particular activity because they enjoy the endorphin rush generated by it, society not only seems to condone this obsession, it actually encourages it because it is considered to be a healthy fitness activity (never mind that runners invariably end up with bad knees due to the incessant pounding they take after years of doing this).
Well, guess what? Considering the fact that I have finally come to terms with my crossdressing and no longer feel guilty or ashamed over it I now see it as being therapeutic instead, as it actually puts me in a good place mentally and is a great stress reliever. Personally, I'd rather spend hundreds of dollars on a new female wardrobe as opposed to paying the same amount to a therapist, as I am sure that I will get far more bang for my buck from the former.
More to the point - as "addictions" go, I'll gladly put my particular poison up against anyone else's and challenge them to prove the moral or ethical superiority of theirs over mine. And no - I don't want to be "cured" of it, no more than I would want to be "cured" of left-handedness or some similar inborn condition.
I agree completely that there's an asymmetry to how society views obsessive behaviors, that spending countless hours running or working out or just plain working is virtuous while all kinds of inherently harmless habits get demonized. As you assert, once one stops pathologizing what we do, it's easy to see it as a healthy habit instead. Call it addiction if you must, but understand that it's a loaded word that connotes such harmful habits as using heroin. If you can't find a way to fit it into your schedule and neglect important other things, then I suppose professional help would be warranted, but that would be true of obsessive running as well.
Funny that you'd mention left-handedness. I've long believed that what goes on inside us is akin to that natural human variation. Why does any given individual simply start using the left hand (and probably kicking and batting lefty as well if into sports) when most of us naturally use the right? And weren't Catholic-school nuns notorious for brutally trying to "convert" lefties onto the path of right-handed righteousness, as if being a southpaw was somehow sinful or against a divine plan?
So then, why, if we set aside the highly artificial moralization of everything remotely sexual in nature, shouldn't it be equally natural for some humans with XY chromosomes and an "M" on the birth certificate innately feel that they should be XX with an "F"? The brain is an incredibly complex organism, and we are nowhere near understanding all of its mysteries and potential harmless anomalies.
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