I got caught!

[Judy-Somthing]

Thanks everyone,

I know this has got to be very tuff for her. I did hate that I had such a big secret.
It's interesting in a way that her brother is Gay and married and we have Gay friends but she says guys in dresses are creepy.

I blame it on that in a lot of movies that the serial killers dabble in cross-dressing. Especially "Silence of the Lamb"

[GretchenM]

Judy,

I am so sorry that this has happened. In my opinion, you not only look good; you look amazing. I suspect she would be amazed, but showing her now might be throwing gasoline on the fire. Don't purge. Get some storage.

I suspect your wife is shocked and dismayed that her man is not what she expected. She sees dishonesty, manipulation, control, etc. The dressing may not actually be the issue; the deception she perceives may be the issue. The comment about being gay shows she doesn't really understand gender variance at all and is locked in some preconceived, stereotypical thinking about what a male constitutes. It may be time to find a marriage counselor where you can have a chance at working things out under the direction of an impartial, third party that is trained to deal with marital conflict. Not a gender therapist, but a family therapist. You both have a great deal invested in your marriage and it seems to me you should try to work things out in a neutral environment where anger and resentment is regulated by a pro. There is a middle ground in this and you both can embrace that once you find that combination. But finding it on your own is not the way to go. Compromises on both sides may be needed, but nobody should have to give up who they are to make the partner feel comfortable. This path may ultimately fail, but, IMHO, it is your best shot.

Gretchen

[DIANEF]

Judy, so sorry to hear of your situation, I've been inches from being found out myself. From what I have read on this forum people do get through this sort of thing, It will probably be tough, lots of tears, well, you already know. Being closeted myself I can't give the advice others can, but I can wish you all the best and hope things work out.

[Karine]

Hi Judy.

Sorry of what happened and that you having a really hard time. I guess things will be rocky. She seems to be open-minded (having a gay brother and gay friends). Maybe she is freaking out because of not knowing what is crossdressing. Being gay has been explained by the media, crossdressing not (or often in a bad way). I think you should talk and try to explain her what is crossdressing, how you feel (maybe ask her to join the forum).

Hope things will get better for you.
Karine.

[Teresa]

Judy,
I answered your other thread in the picture section, I am seeing echoes of my situation. My wife thinks I will look stupid when dressed but that's their wishfull thinking that you won't to satisfy their own thoughts.Only last week my wife and son were making sarcarstic jokes about my dressing and my daughter started to go back at them. I told my daughter after to let it go , it's their way of dealing with it bisides the comments were irrelevant because my daughter has sen my pictures and they haven't , so she knows I look aceptable and not a man in a dress.

If you could somehow manage to go out socially I'm sure things could change, it might be better to say you are going to a support group to get help . I am convinced now my wife is giving me more respect for moving it in her eyes from a questionable wierd hobby to satisfying an inner need . She did question how I had the courage to go out and do it, but she is OK now she knows I'm not gay , staying over and sharing a room was enough to convince her of that, although I admit it is an odd and unusual feeling sharing a room with another CDer. I didn't ever think I would dress in front of another man and then apply makeup, when it came to it ,it just felt a natural thing to do.

If you are going out, the fact that you slip up sometimes becomes irrelevant because she knows you are dressed hopefully as good as you can achieve an acceptable or passable level, it's not intentional that you leave things out.
Sadly the thought of men dressed is creepy to some, if she could meet others her attitude would change but I know that's not going to happen in my case. She is getting a different perspective now she allows me to talk about other members and it does help knowing many wives and partners accompany their CDing menfolk.

[Exris]

Judy - you look fantastic and always have.

As for your marriage... I can only offer a little. My marriage broke up mostly because we realized over the years we didnt like each other that much. Not anything like this. So I cant offer direct experience on that.

I wouldnt purge tho. It looks like you have put a great deal of care into your collection. Store it. Get it out of sight. If your marriage still has value to you see what you can do to salvage it - including counseling if your both committed enough.

If not... well you know the rest.

Good luck. I really mean it.

[sara66]

Judy,
I feel bad for both of you. It is tough on you and a shock for your wife. After the dust settles, I hope your wife realizes that you are the same man that she married no matter how you are dressed. Good luck.
Sara

[Ally 2112]

I hope she can see through the clothes and still love the man you are

[Sarah Louise]

Oh, Judy, I'm sorry to hear this. I really hope things settle down. Your wife would be amazed how wrong she is in assuming you look bad when you dress. You always look fantastic.

I agree with others that it's probably best not to show any pictures too soon, don't purge and get some storage. If you can talk to her about this, do so calmly and be true to yourself. Good luck!

[joanna4]

I'm terribly sorry about that, I was reading your "almost got caught" a minute ago and its the first time I've seen this thread combo within the same day. I wish you the best of luck and keep doing what you're doing.

[SherriePall]

Judy, I am so sorry to hear of your troubles. I went through some of the same things almost 20 years ago when I told my wife of nearly 25 years.
She cried, asked the usual questions and didn't talk to me for several days. I thought some terrible thoughts, but never acted on them.
After a few days, she and I had a talk, etc.
So, right now we are basically DADT, although she does laundry and allows me a lingerie drawer (which is fuller than her's).
I am sure a lot of what your wife said was in the heat of the moment and she really didn't mean it. And for how you look,
there are many on here who can definitely say you look absolutely stunning.
Keep your temper and be as calm as you can. Address each concern with love and patience.
Take care.
We are all here for you.

[Sallee]

therapy is a good bet Don't know if it will help. Both of you need to go to have any hope of saving the relationship. You both have to want it.
I am in a DADT relationship which I don't mind but even that can be a pain sometimes. I wish you luck an d happiness however it works out

[nikkiwindsor]

Judy,

I too am sorry to learn about your trouble w/ the Mrs. I hope things work out. I know this won't do anything to help the situation but I hope your wife doesn't see any pics of you dressed b/c you're a gorgeous woman when transformed. I'm surmising that when she said "Why would you dress up, you could never look good" while angry and upset you were thinking "if you only new how good I look you'd be even angrier" and she's thinking "he probably does look good as a woman and that's upsetting me more."

BTW, my wife, while supportive of my feminine psyche, isn't enamored by it. But, it has actually brought us closer together b/c it's some unique and special about me that only she knows as my soul mate.

Nikki

[Judy-Somthing]

It's a real bummer that I stopped for almost twenty years and now after the kids moved out the interest came back.

To much time on my hands, I guess.

It's funny that after I dressed I gave the room a look over and vacuumed, I must have thought the heels were hers.

[BettyMorgan]

Judy,
I have appreciated your posts and messages since I first joined this community. I've envied your clothes and style and look. I want you to know I've always felt bad for you that you've had to keep this part of who you are a secret from someone who you should be most intimate with. I know you want her to know, understand and accept this part of you but she's been resistant.

This is who I am - a crossdresser. I can't change that. I'm one of the fortunate few who has a supportive SO. She didn't like the idea at first but changed over time. She has always appreciated who I am and she realized this extra quality (my feminine side) didn't change any of the other qualities she loves about me. If your wife fully loves you, then I'm hopeful that she will see that you are still the same person and knowing you wear different clothes sometimes won't change her love for you. I don't know her values or beliefs - only you do. This may be the best opportunity for you to now be open and honest about who you really are.

[docrobbysherry]

Judy, don't purge! Other than that? Good luck! Any way a couple can make it work is ok. Altho, if u aren't having sex your marriage may already be over. You're roommates now.

I'm DADT with my live in, adult, daughter.

Not the best of situations. But, I still get to enjoy being Sherry. And, it's much better than sneaking around and getting "caught".

[karynspanties]

So if you do not have sex anymore because you are too femme for her and she is making crass remarks and you say your marriage is a lie, seems to me your marriage is over and the only thing that needs to be purged is her.

[alwayshave]

Judy, I am very sorry for the confrontation regarding your dressing. I can only imagine the stress. I will repeat that you should not purge, but get a small storage unit and place you fem stuff there. I believe you are in Massachusetts. I can only tell you in divorce there, the deck is rigged against you and you should act accordingly, though less so if you are in Worcester County or west of there.

[Beverley Sims]

Don't think negative, see what the deeper reaction is and after time you may recover some ground.

If you have had a good relationship with your wife you may be able to smooth it over a little.

If things are already bumpy

I wish you well in your endeavors.

[CarlaWestin]

I did hate that I had such a big secret.

Well, first of all, I feel your pain. It's not going to be easy but, the good thing is that it's out. With many of us the only thing left after self acceptance is that pesky dishonest clandestine nature of the proclivity. Of course, the only thing that takes it's place is the reaction of others when you disclose. It's unfortunate that you were discovered by your own faux pas. That alone negates the subtle approach and goes right into damage control. Total acceptance? That ship has sailed. DADT? That's the best to hope for. Relationships truly are compromises. Store your stuff out of sight and try to work things out.
My wife and I now have a few years of DADT and it's just a minor issue with her now.

[Shiny]

Judy:

Wow! The dreaded "caught" scenario---doesn't matter how you got nailed only that you did and it is a catastrophe now I am sure! It sucks, but you'll survive, but most likely alone as I am. And when your wife said (paraphrasing) "why do you dress? You'd never look good as a woman." I thought I'd relate my caught scenario. I told my girl that I had better legs than she did anyway, then dressed just like the picture in my avatar to prove it. I went through all the lies, I'll quit etc... then finally said screw it! She had one foot out the door anyway so I dressed up just like the my avatar picture. She went off the rails which was funny because with her bird-legs and knobby-knees I had her badly beaten! Point for our side there! Anyway, yeah, she left in total disgust! And in retrospect? No real loss anyway when I really gave it a thought!

You'll survive--

[AmandaM]

Deal with the emotion of this before you purge, you don't want to be hasty.

[Jodi]

As others have said, retain a good lawyer now. Be up front and honest with him/her about the cd'ing.

Been there and done that. You must protect yourself. Otherwise, you could be out on the street.

Jodi

[Nikkilovesdresses]

She said she always thought I was a little fem which was a turn off.
That's why we don't have sex.

Oh really? That sounds rather a convenient way to hang a stale sex life on the other person. She's playing 'Now I've got you you son-of-a-bitch' if you're into Games People Play.

I think you should use this as an opportunity to talk about your marriage, rather than allow her to keep focusing on how everything's somehow your fault, just because she suddenly learns you like crossdressing. If she had a problem with you before, why didn't she say?

I wish you the best of luck Judy, but your wife's self-righteous attitude sucks.

[Victoria StJohn]

Judy, I'm sorry to hear of the dreadful 'caught'. I can only wish for you a satisfactory outcome as the days go by. I'm not good at giving advice in these situations; but, many members here as offering their sincerest comments which will give you some comfort and direction. Please don't purge. You can't destroy that beautiful person we all know.