Uh Oh
I would agree with others. Don't purge, hide it away somewhere.
I speak from experience, you can't just turn this off. If you try, it
will come back even more powerful.
I think maybe some of the things your wife said we just
out of anger, maybe she did not mean them. I hope
you can work it out.
Rach
Although your current visions might be grounded in reality,
there are no shortcuts to get from here to there.
Face the facts and realize that you still may have to manifest this
dream the old-fashioned way: by creating a concrete plan,
putting in the hard work and maintaining an
unwavering determination to make it happen.
Sorry for your situation. I hope that you and your wife find time to have a discussion about your crossdressing. These conversations are never easy nor are they comfortable. Be honest with your wife and make sure her questions are answered. If your relationship has a good foundation you both should come to understand that as you previously stated that you are the same person as you were before your wife found the certain proof that you are a crossdresser. If you were a good person before she found out you still are a good person. Her new information did not change that.
Best wishes to you and your wife. Honesty and conversation is better than keeping your new issue under a cloud of assumptions.
Teri Ray Rural Idaho Girl.
This is EXACTLY why one should be up front to his SO\spouse from the beginning. And yes, my wife knows about Joni. She's ok with it and encourages it when she thinks I need it.
Jon
Going to compound a mistake with another mistake? Getting drunk isn't part of the solution.Originally Posted by Judy-Somthing
Veronica
If you believe in it, makeup has a magic all it's own -- Sooner or Later (TV movie)
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?- Marianne Williamson
Have I also not said that "This Thing of Ours" makes some of us a bit "Barefoot in the Head"? Well, it does.
Your wife said "Why would you dress up, you could never look good"
You looked pretty darn good for a 59 year old woman. Maybe if your wife saw your pictures, especially, your bridal gowns, she'd change her opinion. She may not like the cross dressing, but, hey..she'll have to admit you do look attractive. All plus size women should look like you do.
Anyway, try to iron this all out, but, don't thrown your identity away. You need to be yourself. My wife knows and is not supportive. I don't rub it in her face. My wardrobe is not to be seen. I do not shave my chest or modify my body. You and your wife need to acknowledge the elephant in the room. One thing that seems to not disappear is the vision a wife has of her husband in a dress, whether or not she has actually seen such a sight.
Most of us know better but I believe the general public associates crossdressing with being gay. When I told my wife about my "hobby", the first thing she asked was "Are you gay?" The second thing she asked was "Do you want to become a woman?". Reading many posts over the years here, it seems her reaction was pretty common among wives when first informed that their husbands were crossdressers.
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It's not possible for strangers on the Internet to diagnose a problem with a marriage and "tell" someone how to fix it. First of all, we don't get the entire picture and second of all, we are not experts in the field and can only advise based on our own personal experiences.
Yes, it's best not to keep secrets or to lie to someone we love, but there's a strong fear that telling the person will have bad results. Nobody, especially strangers on the Internet can guarantee that a wife or SO will embrace the crossdressing or even tolerate it.
The best we can do is suggest what we think is the best action. Suggest. Not tell.
Way to tell 'em!
Judy, a couple things:
1) People have advised you not to purge your things, but to hide them. Well, if you hide them and your wife asks and you tell her you got rid of them, that's another lie. You decide what to do but don't lie to her about it. She might find out.
2) It's virtually impossible to hide crossdressing from someone who lives in the same house as you and especially from a wife. Your chances of being caught are nearly 100% as you have found out. It's not "if" you will be caught, but "when" you will be caught.
Only you know what will work best for you, for your wife and for your marriage. Anything you read here should be taken as a suggestion. What works for one of us (or many of us) may not be the best advice for your individual situation.
Best of luck to you.
Well said Krisi
Stephanie,
While I agree with you about Judy's looks , I would think seeing her in a wedding gown isn't the best outfit, it may suggest she wishes to be married to a man !
If she feels being seen is the way to go I wouldn't go OTT . Somehow I don't think that is the solution, my wife says similar things but no way does she want proving wrong by seeing me.
I would love to be completely opened and honest with her but the way she has said negative things about cross-dressing over the years.
When the Caitlyn Jenner thing was in the news my SO said "he's all messed up" and when I would try to say something positive about it I would get shot down.
I reminded her that she knew I cross-dressed with friends in my teens and that I started at 8 after my sister dressed me up.
She said she always thought that was just fooling around, not cross-dressing!
She also said it's creepy that I want to dress up, and if it doesn't stop she'll tell my son and he'll be crushed.
I feel at this point telling her I can't stop would be a big mistake. She says I'm ruining Christmas.
"This is ME" I am not CRAZY, I'm just a GUY who likes dresses!
Since allot of men dress up in woman's clothing that makes it a manly thing to do!
Much more fun than fishing.
I do construction like house building and I love CD-ing, what's the difference?
Well you've lied to her for this long. You've only got two choices.
1: Continue to lie until you get caught again.
2: Tell the truth and accept whatever comes of it.
Your wife really is blameless in all this. You say she's made disparaging remarks in the past so you knew full well how she felt. She's been honest on how she feels about cross dressers and transgender people. That's her opinion. Whether you or anyone else think it's wrong doesn't mean much. You on the other hand have lied to her. It's time to man up and face the consequences of your actions.
Sounds harsh but it's the truth.
Judy, what exactly are you really hiding anymore? Maybe the words haven't been spoken, but she KNOWS you cross dressed as a kid, she KNOWS you own women's pumps, she KNOWS you have owned women's clothes before. Telling her out loud is just putting words to known events.
By the way, if she tells your son, in all likelihood, he'll give it a "Whatever." "Ruining Christmas" is just an excuse to not have a hard conversation.
In the end, your wife does not have to like your cross dressing, but pretending you are not a cross dresser is just lunacy for BOTH of you. Get it out in the open. Say it once and for all and let her decide if she wants to ask questions or not. But tell your story in full so she does not have to imagine anything.
I wouldn't say she's blameless, she knew I was doing it up to the point we got married and never said anything about stopping.
She saw me dressed with friends and it was no big deal.
"This is ME" I am not CRAZY, I'm just a GUY who likes dresses!
Since allot of men dress up in woman's clothing that makes it a manly thing to do!
Much more fun than fishing.
I do construction like house building and I love CD-ing, what's the difference?
Judy my advice to you is to take some time out and work through your options as what to do. No one here can advise you on the correct path because no two dynamics are the same, we do not know you or your wife or your relationship. A lot of advice on forums in general are based on that persons personal experience. Take your time to think it through and then follow your path....all the best xx
A.K.A Rebecca & Bec
If you suspect your wife is a sociopath I wouldn't recommend telling the truth about CDing. Some women will use that against you, like telling everyone that you're sick because you dress in women's clothes. Truth isn't always the best policy.
"You're the only one to see the changes you take yourself through", Stevie Wonder
Blackmail! This may sound drastic but... The next time she comes out with this one, simply ask her what's keeping her, tell her to get on with it, in fact tell her to give you the phone so that you can tell him yourself! I'm willing to be that when you call her bluff she'll backpedal like crazy.
This is just sheer, filthy manipulation. There is only one fitting response - call it out for what it is. Tell her that's what it is and that you won't tolerate it!
If I were to make a wager I'm pretty sure no matter what outfit/dress Judy wears, Judy's wife is going to believe whatever she wants to believe. Maybe an outfit that is OTT is the way to go and work backwards. Is Judy suppose to show his feminine side attired in a pair of women's jeans, flat shoes and a women's top or the wedding dress and heels? A person who chooses to not be educated will remain ignorant.
You are a Psychiatrist? I don't think even a real psychiatrist would attempt to diagnose a person based on another person's description of her behavior as posted on the Internet.
Attempting to place blame on the Judy's wife or calling her names isn't going to help anything here.
What we have here is simply a woman who doesn't like her husband wearing women's clothes, especially with a child in the family. That's not at all uncommon. She is trying to get him to stop the best way she knows how. Again, this is not uncommon.
Our task here is to try to help Judy to find a way to be able to continue dressing without ending the marriage. A way for her to convince her wife that crossdressing is not a crime, is not evil and is not a mental illness.
Again, blaming the wife will not solve anything.
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I've said it before and I'll say it again: If you try to "educate" someone who doesn't agree with you, you are not educating them, you are simply arguing with them.
You're correct to say blaming the wife won't solve anything Krisi, but I believe most of us are simply pointing out that Judy's wife is manipulating, irrational, and over playing the guilt card. Judy isn't trying to ruin anyone's Christmas, her wife threatening to tell their son about Judy certainly could.
Karen
Krisi, I have studied psychology and the fact is, most people have some kind of personality disorder. Read my post again and stop misinterpreting. Nobody blamed Judy's wife for anything and I didn't call her names either. But if you think that there's a lack of vindictive women out there, you're living in a dream world.
"You're the only one to see the changes you take yourself through", Stevie Wonder
Judy, I think Jennifer's advice is so true. Having an honest talk about this, your story, is the best way to get this resolved in some way. If you opt for letting it simmer and brew, her imagination and anger will only grow.
I can't say I was enlightened and told my wife...she discovered my things. However, after several challenging weeks, I truly wished I would have told her much much earlier. The most important takeaway I have from my experience is that when you are fully honest and vulnerable with your spouse, their ability to show compassion and maybe a bit of tolerance goes up a great deal. Understanding *may* come later, but first you need to have this talk. Good luck, Judy!
So you say studying psychology qualifies you to diagnose someone based on second hand information on the Internet? I really don't think so.
As for most people having a personality disorder, well I suspect liking to wear women's clothes, fake breasts and hips and wigs would qualify.
So Judy is 59. I am assuming Judy's son is an adult. He'll be crushed so Judy's wife says. If he is an adult he can make his own decisions and choices. There is an element of blackmail arising. Many decades ago my wife said the same thing to me out of frustration. She told me she would divorce me and tell everyone. Later, she apologized and said she would not divulge our secret. We drifted into DADT. Judy's wife is probably frustrated at a bare minimum to find out her husband wears women's clothing. She is probably under the misguided belief that cross dressing is a personal choice and can be beaten out of Judy with blackmail. Frankly, in the end these relations are not worth a damn. It comes down to mental spousal abuse. All it will come down to is the wife parading around a man on her arm for the world to see. "Look, I'm married! See my guy on my arm!"
So, what would happen if Judy's wife 'outed' her to others? Will she get the sympathy vote from their son? Or will the son hate mom for destroying Judy's standing in the community? Will the community shun Judy and thus also affect her standing in the community. "We're not inviting that woman who is married to a cross dresser!"
Yes, Krisi, the advice given on this forum is worth exactly what you pay for it. Although I will agree most of us have sufficient life experience to recognize a 'vindictive' person when we see one. Maybe, the answer is to brand cross dressing a personality disorder. Then, maybe there would be an annual telethon to mold us into 'manly men.'
Krisi, I didn't diagnose anyone. IF was the word I used "if you suspect…." You might wanna stop and think before posting.
"You're the only one to see the changes you take yourself through", Stevie Wonder
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