Will this be the time?

[Ceera]

Ah, the holidays. Getting together with family members, most of whom I haven't seen for the last year. Most of whom have never seen me with pierced ears, or painted nails, or shaved arms...

I won't be in 'girly mode' for any of the family festivities, but my ears will have stud earrings and I'll have off-white acrylic nails, trimmed short and rounded... And I am more than a little terrified of what may happen this weekend.

The last time my sister visited my home, she made some observations about my feminine tells, but we didn't get around to 'the talk' and explaining where my head is at. The times since then when we saw each other, there were other priorities on our time, and I downplayed my fem side heavily. So it didn't come up.

I've been putting off talking to my sister (and my remaining family members) about my fem side, because she's had far too much other drama in her life lately, and because I've been waiting for us to complete the sale of our parents house, just in case things really blow up between us when she does find out. I need her good will so I can get my share of the money from selling the house. I really don't think she will treat me badly over my situation once she knows, but no sense in stirring up trouble. And also, I have avoided doing any fem things in her home town, and I live two hours away, so really, what I do with my personal life has little direct impact on her.

On the other hand, part of me really wants to get it over with, and allow her to get to know the 'big sister' she doesn't yet realize she has. I'd love to be done with the need to downplay my pretty nails when I visit her, and to downplay my other feminine aspects. We have a strong and loving relationship, and I am fairly certain it will survive her knowing that I am spending 25% to 50% of my time now as a female, and not as her big brother. She's never particularly spoken ill of LGBT folk, not even when one of my female cousins spent several years living with a lesbian Partner. And of her four kids, three have posted very pro-LGBTQ comments on facebook. (The fourth one hardly posts anything at all). My other cousins have also posted pro LGBTQ stuff. And I suspect, though I haven't confirmed it yet, that one of my other female cousins currently is living with a lady friend in a lesbian relationship.

Over all, my sister is the key for me. If I have her acceptance, I can accept whatever my remaining family members may feel about me. My parents and grandparents are all gone, so really, she is the only close relative I have left, other than my daughter who already knows and accepts me. My sister's husband will probably not like it, but frankly, we already dislike each other and I don't really care what he thinks of me. If it comes down to a DADT situation, and a request from her not to appear en-femme at family events, I can live with that. I don't plan at this time to transition fully.

Just going to play it by ear, I guess. If my sister takes me aside and asks, I'll tell her. If it doesn't come up, I'll wait until after the house sells, if I can. If anyone else asks, I won't lie, but I'll ask them to keep it confidential, until my sister and I have had our talk.

[Julie MA]

Ceera, well thought through. I think you are well prepared for the situation and possibilities. Happy holidays, Julie

[TrishaTX]

I wish you luck either way, it is never easy but it sounds like you have a plan. Happy Holidays!

[Krisi]

I'll make a suggestion, take it or leave it:

Christmas is not the best time to come out to your family about crossdressing, being a transsexual or anything else that puts the focus on you. Christmas is a time for family and it's a bit selfish to take that away from the rest of your family. I suggest waiting until the Christmas season is over and folks are back to their normal routines.

Other than that, Best of Luck.

[GretchenM]

Hi Ceera,

I am in a similar situation. It is time for people to know a bit more about the full deal of me. Finding the right time (and the courage) to alter the image people have of me is a daunting task. One thinks of all kinds of narratives and scenarios. It is important to have the right situation and present it in a way so they can shift their thinking without having the feeling that their view of you has always been wrong and you weren't honest and yadda, yadda, yadda. It is a tough nut to crack but at some point we all deserve to tell others the truth and they deserve to hear it. Problem is Christmas is probably not the best choice with regard to timing. If LGBTQ issues come up in a discussion you can support that effort without revealing why you support it so fervently. But I think you might want to put off the "Big Reveal" for a better time. Something to think about.

But it is a good time to observe closely how your relatives that you want to know interact with each other and with you. Nothing wrong with putting out some subtle feelers to get some idea of what the temperature of the water currently is. Unfortunately, the recent election has thrown lots of people for a loop, on both sides, and I think social interaction is changing a bit. I wouldn't do now what I would have done before the election. I have noticed a lot of people are much more cautious about what they say to others. In my opinion, our culture has undergone a major shift and emotions and feelings are more polarized than they have been in a very long time. We are not exactly the most "traditional and stereotypically normal" people, irrespective of what our identities tell us. In the eyes of many we are just a little weird and right now weird is a little jarring in such a polarized society. Things have changed and I suspect there will be a lot more changes ahead. I am not saying we need to go back in hiding; maybe we need to come out even more. But until the dust settles, it might be wise to consider being a bit more cautious about what we reveal and to whom we reveal it. It is sad, but it is the reality. Emotions are a bit frayed right now in most people and comments often have much greater impact.

Gretchen

[suzanne]

I like your plan to not spill the beans before the parents house is sold. Your crossdresssing shouldn't be an issue, of course, but people do get funny when money is in play. Best of luck. I hope your sister accepts you, but if she doesn't, a possible backup plan might be asking your daughter to mediate a discussion. Just a thought.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Ceera, Thanks for sharing, Please do Keep us advised......


MERRY CHRISTMASS

[Ceera]

Well, it was, thankfully, an uneventful series of gatherings. I ended up wearing non-decorated women's jeans (you wouldn't know they were, unless you noticed the exact cut, or peeked at the size tags inside) and a black Christmas sweater with a huge Christmas tree on the chest. The sweater was also a women's item, but pretty unisex. And it served quite well to draw everyone's attention away from my ears and hands. I got complements on the 'great Christmas sweater', and no comments at all about my earrings (small CZ studs) or nails (short, cream white, and rounded in male style).

My sister will be making a solo day trip to my home in January, to bring me a few things. It would be a much better time to talk with her, privately and one-on-one, without any other distractions. But as with this weekend, I will still play it by ear, preferring to wait until the sale of the house is over with. I'll just need to remember to pick up the girly things in my bedroom before she comes to my home. Right now there are so many purses, shoes and other feminine things in my bedroom and master bathroom that anyone unfamiliar with my life would be fairly certain to assume a woman lived in that room!

[GretchenM]

Ceera,

Oh, that is great. Glad it all went so well. What you did is what I often do and it usually works out just fine and is reasonably satisfactory to me, even when it is not my preference. The mixing of masculine and feminine or the wearing of unisex garments, for me, is a great way to go. In my experience, people see what they want to see. If I am wearing a purple or pink women's turtle neck T and some guy sees a man in a women's top and thinks that is strange, then so be it. That's because someone else will see a man signaling that there is much more to this person than meets the eye. Keep in mind that to most men a woman in a bikini is a lot more tantalizing than if she was nude - it is what you don't see that is so tempting. I guess what it comes down to is that a person's perception defines their reality far more than the truth. In other words, what people will see will mostly be whatever they want to see. And I think your approach on your sister's visit is a good one. Putting things away is respectful of her and what you know about her views, but not going so far as to present a false illusion that you are really a big, tough macho guy (I'm probably going overboard here) which is not you. Instead you include hints of something quite feminine underneath or inside the male body and that keeps the gears well oiled and interactions going smoothly. I find that approach sometimes tempts the other person's curiosity so much it results in discussions that allow you to offer more hints of what is really going on behind the curtains. It is a gentle way to introduce a hint of Ceera while not forcing Ceera on them. Ask yourself, "Would a woman be so forceful?" Most would not; they would be more subtle while still presenting enough of the story to be tempting and tantalizing and boost the curiosity quotient.

Gretchen