I got caught!

[Judy-Somthing]

Well I was down here typing and my wife came down, and guess what she was holding?
My size 13 pumps I left in the bedroom. OMG
I told her I've dressed since 8 and hid it because I could see she didn't like it.
She said she wanted a man not a GAY GUY and she always thought something was wrong with me.
I told her I use to dress with friends and haven't dressed for over 18 years but now that the kids moved out I thought I would see If I still liked it.

Well this is going to be bad. ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

[Becky Blue]

Oh dear, wish you the best of luck!!

[Julie Denier]

I've been in your place. Hope it goes well.

[Judy-Somthing]

Things are not good.
She said she always thought I was a little fem which was a turn off.
That's why we don't have sex.
Our whole marriage is a lie!
I pretty sure I have to PURGE tomorrow, And I have so many nice wigs.

I told her it's who I am and it doesn't make me a bad person.
She said "your not a bad person it's just not what a women wants in a man"!
She said "Why would you dress up, you could never look good".

[mykell]

dont know your whole situation but as far as purging, dont, hell donate the wigs to a cancer organization at the worst case scenario.

wont pass judgment on you leaving something out, being a secret squirrel is a tough lifestyle, immeasurable stress and angst,
have left out my share of things even after my disclosure, hard to live in perfect compliance,

as far as help the only thing i can offer is to pen a heartfelt letter of what the relationship has meant and the hiding and feelings have been like for you.
if there was an ounce of compassion and true love for you from her it may be nurtured....if not you gave her your best at reconciling the relationship.
cant say you didnt try and stating the obvious of coarse its not what a women wants in a man, but what man would make his whole existence that much more difficult by choosing to live this way intentionally....its not like you tried to hurt her....

best of luck,
do keep the attorney on speed dial....just in case....

[Shelly Preston]

Things are not good.
She said she always thought I was a little fem which was a turn off.
That's why we don't have sex.
Our whole marriage is a lie!
I pretty sure I have to PURGE tomorrow, And I have so many nice wigs.

I told her it's who I am and it doesn't make me a bad person.
She said "your not a bad person it's just not what a women wants in a man"!
She said "Why would you dress up, you could never look good".

Hi Judy

Sorry to hear you having problems, I would say don't purge just yet but put your things in storage.
Please remember your wife has not had a lot of time to think over the conversation. Also I think telling her how early you started might help as you were honest about it.

Good luck and I hope things work out for both of you.

[BettyMorgan]

Judy,
I have appreciated your posts and messages since I first joined this community. I've envied your clothes and style and look. I want you to know I've always felt bad for you that you've had to keep this part of who you are a secret from someone who you should be most intimate with. I know you want her to know, understand and accept this part of you but she's been resistant.

This is who I am - a crossdresser. I can't change that. I'm one of the fortunate few who has a supportive SO. She didn't like the idea at first but changed over time. She has always appreciated who I am and she realized this extra quality (my feminine side) didn't change any of the other qualities she loves about me. If your wife fully loves you, then I'm hopeful that she will see that you are still the same person and knowing you wear different clothes sometimes won't change her love for you. I don't know her values or beliefs - only you do. This may be the best opportunity for you to now be open and honest about who you really are.

[Shiny]

Judy:

Wow! The dreaded "caught" scenario---doesn't matter how you got nailed only that you did and it is a catastrophe now I am sure! It sucks, but you'll survive, but most likely alone as I am. And when your wife said (paraphrasing) "why do you dress? You'd never look good as a woman." I thought I'd relate my caught scenario. I told my girl that I had better legs than she did anyway, then dressed just like the picture in my avatar to prove it. I went through all the lies, I'll quit etc... then finally said screw it! She had one foot out the door anyway so I dressed up just like the my avatar picture. She went off the rails which was funny because with her bird-legs and knobby-knees I had her badly beaten! Point for our side there! Anyway, yeah, she left in total disgust! And in retrospect? No real loss anyway when I really gave it a thought!

You'll survive--

[Maria 60]

WOW! Those are pretty harsh words there, are you sure she's not a man. Sorry not a laughing matter just trying to put some light in a dark place. Don't purge, just try to store it all somewhere safe, i purged once and boy do I wish I had those slips and bras back. Hope it works out and vent here as much as you have to. Here we are always listening.

[CostaRicaRachel]

Uh Oh

I would agree with others. Don't purge, hide it away somewhere.

I speak from experience, you can't just turn this off. If you try, it
will come back even more powerful.

I think maybe some of the things your wife said we just
out of anger, maybe she did not mean them. I hope
you can work it out.

Rach

[Joni T]

This is EXACTLY why one should be up front to his SO\spouse from the beginning. And yes, my wife knows about Joni. She's ok with it and encourages it when she thinks I need it.
Jon

[Nikkilovesdresses]

She said she always thought I was a little fem which was a turn off.
That's why we don't have sex.

Oh really? That sounds rather a convenient way to hang a stale sex life on the other person. She's playing 'Now I've got you you son-of-a-bitch' if you're into Games People Play.

I think you should use this as an opportunity to talk about your marriage, rather than allow her to keep focusing on how everything's somehow your fault, just because she suddenly learns you like crossdressing. If she had a problem with you before, why didn't she say?

I wish you the best of luck Judy, but your wife's self-righteous attitude sucks.

[greeneyes]

DO NOT PURGE! whatever you do, don't purge, it is like burning money. go rent a small storage space and stick it there or something. Can I be just to the point? Honey if you are not having sex, and your marriage is a lie. Keep your stuff, rethink the wife. I know some people are going to get onto me for saying that but WHY stay with someone that you aren't even intimate with? Life is to short to be miserable.
I agree..get a lawyer...and hang in there...This too Shall Pass.

[Stephanie47]

Your wife said "Why would you dress up, you could never look good"

You looked pretty darn good for a 59 year old woman. Maybe if your wife saw your pictures, especially, your bridal gowns, she'd change her opinion. She may not like the cross dressing, but, hey..she'll have to admit you do look attractive. All plus size women should look like you do.

Anyway, try to iron this all out, but, don't thrown your identity away. You need to be yourself. My wife knows and is not supportive. I don't rub it in her face. My wardrobe is not to be seen. I do not shave my chest or modify my body. You and your wife need to acknowledge the elephant in the room. One thing that seems to not disappear is the vision a wife has of her husband in a dress, whether or not she has actually seen such a sight.

[Teresa]

Stephanie,
While I agree with you about Judy's looks , I would think seeing her in a wedding gown isn't the best outfit, it may suggest she wishes to be married to a man !

If she feels being seen is the way to go I wouldn't go OTT . Somehow I don't think that is the solution, my wife says similar things but no way does she want proving wrong by seeing me.

[Leslie Mary S]

She needs her eyes/brain re calibrated. you look awesome.

[DIANEF]

Judy, so sorry to hear of your situation, I've been inches from being found out myself. From what I have read on this forum people do get through this sort of thing, It will probably be tough, lots of tears, well, you already know. Being closeted myself I can't give the advice others can, but I can wish you all the best and hope things work out.

[Karine]

Hi Judy.

Sorry of what happened and that you having a really hard time. I guess things will be rocky. She seems to be open-minded (having a gay brother and gay friends). Maybe she is freaking out because of not knowing what is crossdressing. Being gay has been explained by the media, crossdressing not (or often in a bad way). I think you should talk and try to explain her what is crossdressing, how you feel (maybe ask her to join the forum).

Hope things will get better for you.
Karine.

[Tracy Irving]

So sorry to hear. I hope it works out for you.

[Alice_2014_B]

That definitely stinks.

I remember telling my wife, gf at the time, that I enjoyed wearing high heels.
I was deployed to Kuwait at the time; I emailed her some Ebay links of some heels I liked. Then I just messaged her the huge secret.

Sorry this probably doesn't help your situation, certainly hope it gets better though.

[Exris]

Judy - you look fantastic and always have.

As for your marriage... I can only offer a little. My marriage broke up mostly because we realized over the years we didnt like each other that much. Not anything like this. So I cant offer direct experience on that.

I wouldnt purge tho. It looks like you have put a great deal of care into your collection. Store it. Get it out of sight. If your marriage still has value to you see what you can do to salvage it - including counseling if your both committed enough.

If not... well you know the rest.

Good luck. I really mean it.

[paulaprimo]

ouch!! i'm so sorry Judy!
not sure if i could possibly offer any sound advice.
she seems pretty upset so maybe it's time for "the talk"
explain to her how it's not a question of "looking good"
as she stated, but more of a feeling. maybe even offer
to dress for her and let her judge how you look!
i think you look fantastic and maybe she would also...
fingers crossed, and hoping!!

[sara66]

Judy,
I feel bad for both of you. It is tough on you and a shock for your wife. After the dust settles, I hope your wife realizes that you are the same man that she married no matter how you are dressed. Good luck.
Sara

[Ally 2112]

I hope she can see through the clothes and still love the man you are

[Sarah Louise]

Oh, Judy, I'm sorry to hear this. I really hope things settle down. Your wife would be amazed how wrong she is in assuming you look bad when you dress. You always look fantastic.

I agree with others that it's probably best not to show any pictures too soon, don't purge and get some storage. If you can talk to her about this, do so calmly and be true to yourself. Good luck!