The feeling just won't go away !

[Teresa]

I'm faced with a dilemma because I joined the forum three years ago to partly find another person who could relate to the way their CDing started, every time it comes up on the M/F section not a single story relates to mine . Strictly speaking the rules for this section may not cover this but as my story doesn't appear to relate to any CDers in the M/F section I'm wondering if there is something more going on and a TS may relate closer to it.

Despite it all happening so long ago since the day it did it has remained in the pit of my stomach, a constant need pulling at me . I'm sure I'm not unique in fact I'm hoping at least one person will totally relate to it, the longer I leave it the more it nags at me, maybe some will accuse me of making a mountain out of a mole hill, all I know is it remains at the core of my needs to this day.

To start I will be brief and just say I was a normal boy and just did what all other boys did, but like most from that era I was totally ignorant of sexual intercourse , masturbation, girls were just playmates alongside boys and the random and unexpected erection were just a total embarrassment .

The girl next door became an early girlfriend, we walked to school and be made to hold hands for safety reasons, it formed into early kissing much to disgust of most of my male friends. I don't recall being attracted to girls clothes but my older sister was into ballroom dancing so I found the full dresses and the layered petticoats mildly attractive.
All this changed when a new swimsuit appeared for my sister, it was possibly too old for her but it was shaped like an hour glass with a padded bust but she had to have an alter strap made to keep it on place.
Others speak of how would it feel to wear it, what would the fabric feel like something clicked in my mind telling me that was a woman's body , maybe the girl next door's I had to have it.
The next part is more difficult to understand, to some it may sound childish but I was only a child when this was happening.

After pulling on the swimsuit I would take an air bed stored in the bottom of the airing cupboard and take some dresses and skirts that been passed on by people , I would pull them over the deflated airbed, squeeze myself into them and then use the built in pump to inflate it. So I was trapped in that position wearing the clothes, please remember that this is a child of 8-9 having no knowledge of what is driving him. It was during one of these sessions that I had an involuntary orgasm, I call it that because I didn't induce it from masturbation. This first time wasn't a pleasurable experience in fact it was traumatic, I thought my penis had burst and was expecting to see blood, instead it was a strange white fluid , I didn't have a clue what had happened. I know now that what happened tied my male side and female feelings together, making the connection with female clothes and intertwining it with my sexual needs. To me it's like combination lock being set in my brain without a combination to unlock it .

At this point I would like to explain the long term dreams I was having , I can't say if they stem from my actions or i was living out my dreams.

The first dream started by floating on a bed in a large room, the floor was covered in female clothes, if I fell off the bed and touched the floor I would be wearing the clothes, as much as I pulled at them to remove them another layer would be underneath.

After my first orgasm the dream began to change. I would be forced to penetrate a woman and then we would be clothed so they were joined together . Again it was a situation I was trapped in and please remember what little knowledge I had of sexual matters.

It's only recently that I wrote all this down , partly to explain it to my gender counsellor and partly to explain it to my wife. I also mapped out a gender diagram to try and see graphically where I was on the gender road. I asked my counsellor for her views, she took them to consult her colleagues. Her first comment after was they hadn't come across many cases where a child of my age was so sexually driven . The opinion on my actions combined with the dreams was that I had a strong male/female conflict and the female side was trying to take over.

As for labels, I did find the literal translation of AGP interesting, forgetting Blanchard's mistakes, the actual translation , " To love oneself as a woman ". I feel is partly what happened.

The long term effect has left me with normal sexual feelings for a woman, which was a question posed by my counsellor, but on top is a need to share a female side with a woman. For a while I used the term male lesbian but was corrected to use bi-gender.

I do feel my dressing is still evolving and leading me closer to the TS line, I do prefer to be dressed as Teresa, I still have that feeling in the pit of my stomach which does go when I'm dressed. If my separation had happened my plan was to move away and dress full time, and build a new life around it.

I apologise it's a long thread, after all this soul searching for three years, I hope I haven't broken any rules and it doesn't get moved, after so many years just to receive a reply from one member saying they share the same story from their childhood would make my day.