Results 1 to 21 of 21

Thread: The feeling just won't go away !

  1. #1
    Banned Read only
    Join Date
    Dec 2013
    Location
    UK
    Posts
    13,082

    The feeling just won't go away !

    I'm faced with a dilemma because I joined the forum three years ago to partly find another person who could relate to the way their CDing started, every time it comes up on the M/F section not a single story relates to mine . Strictly speaking the rules for this section may not cover this but as my story doesn't appear to relate to any CDers in the M/F section I'm wondering if there is something more going on and a TS may relate closer to it.

    Despite it all happening so long ago since the day it did it has remained in the pit of my stomach, a constant need pulling at me . I'm sure I'm not unique in fact I'm hoping at least one person will totally relate to it, the longer I leave it the more it nags at me, maybe some will accuse me of making a mountain out of a mole hill, all I know is it remains at the core of my needs to this day.

    To start I will be brief and just say I was a normal boy and just did what all other boys did, but like most from that era I was totally ignorant of sexual intercourse , masturbation, girls were just playmates alongside boys and the random and unexpected erection were just a total embarrassment .

    The girl next door became an early girlfriend, we walked to school and be made to hold hands for safety reasons, it formed into early kissing much to disgust of most of my male friends. I don't recall being attracted to girls clothes but my older sister was into ballroom dancing so I found the full dresses and the layered petticoats mildly attractive.
    All this changed when a new swimsuit appeared for my sister, it was possibly too old for her but it was shaped like an hour glass with a padded bust but she had to have an alter strap made to keep it on place.
    Others speak of how would it feel to wear it, what would the fabric feel like something clicked in my mind telling me that was a woman's body , maybe the girl next door's I had to have it.
    The next part is more difficult to understand, to some it may sound childish but I was only a child when this was happening.

    After pulling on the swimsuit I would take an air bed stored in the bottom of the airing cupboard and take some dresses and skirts that been passed on by people , I would pull them over the deflated airbed, squeeze myself into them and then use the built in pump to inflate it. So I was trapped in that position wearing the clothes, please remember that this is a child of 8-9 having no knowledge of what is driving him. It was during one of these sessions that I had an involuntary orgasm, I call it that because I didn't induce it from masturbation. This first time wasn't a pleasurable experience in fact it was traumatic, I thought my penis had burst and was expecting to see blood, instead it was a strange white fluid , I didn't have a clue what had happened. I know now that what happened tied my male side and female feelings together, making the connection with female clothes and intertwining it with my sexual needs. To me it's like combination lock being set in my brain without a combination to unlock it .

    At this point I would like to explain the long term dreams I was having , I can't say if they stem from my actions or i was living out my dreams.

    The first dream started by floating on a bed in a large room, the floor was covered in female clothes, if I fell off the bed and touched the floor I would be wearing the clothes, as much as I pulled at them to remove them another layer would be underneath.

    After my first orgasm the dream began to change. I would be forced to penetrate a woman and then we would be clothed so they were joined together . Again it was a situation I was trapped in and please remember what little knowledge I had of sexual matters.

    It's only recently that I wrote all this down , partly to explain it to my gender counsellor and partly to explain it to my wife. I also mapped out a gender diagram to try and see graphically where I was on the gender road. I asked my counsellor for her views, she took them to consult her colleagues. Her first comment after was they hadn't come across many cases where a child of my age was so sexually driven . The opinion on my actions combined with the dreams was that I had a strong male/female conflict and the female side was trying to take over.

    As for labels, I did find the literal translation of AGP interesting, forgetting Blanchard's mistakes, the actual translation , " To love oneself as a woman ". I feel is partly what happened.

    The long term effect has left me with normal sexual feelings for a woman, which was a question posed by my counsellor, but on top is a need to share a female side with a woman. For a while I used the term male lesbian but was corrected to use bi-gender.

    I do feel my dressing is still evolving and leading me closer to the TS line, I do prefer to be dressed as Teresa, I still have that feeling in the pit of my stomach which does go when I'm dressed. If my separation had happened my plan was to move away and dress full time, and build a new life around it.

    I apologise it's a long thread, after all this soul searching for three years, I hope I haven't broken any rules and it doesn't get moved, after so many years just to receive a reply from one member saying they share the same story from their childhood would make my day.
    Last edited by Teresa; 12-20-2016 at 03:56 PM.

  2. #2
    Senior Member KellyJameson's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2011
    Posts
    1,491
    IMO anytime the path to gender identity is through sex (orgasm) I'm concerned for the person if they are contemplating transitioning.

    Orgasm has such a profound effect on the brain (particularly a young person) that it is bound to cause confusion if the gender identity is weak already.

    Tying orgasm to female clothes could be deadly, particularly in the early years when gender identity is still in flux. This is particularly true when the boy is emotionally sensitive and does not readily fit into the rough and tumble world of more assertive/aggressive/competitive boys.

    IMO emotional sensitivity should not be a defining characteristic of those who identify as MtF because it is likely that this emotional sensitivity is why they were not able to identify with men as a man.

    This sensitivity is actually common to men and less common to women in my experience. The difficulties of surviving in a mans world do not allow women this luxury plus living with the reproductive biology inside ones body tends to make women pragmatic, especially during their reproductive years. Their high emotionality is not driven by emotional sensitivity but out of the dangers/needs inherent to their circumstances. Completely opposite the emotionally sensitive male who often cleaves onto a 'strong woman"

    Nature/biology make women emotional chameleons. The emotions have a survival purpose. Women are also much better than men at using sex as a tool for survival.

    The female orgasm does not fracture her gender identity as it does with men.

    Also females do not need to separate from the mother and go into the desert to find their own identify as males need to. Females are given their identity where males must create/find it. This is likely why there are so many more Mtf than FtM trans people.

    IMO true gender identity is forced on you by the constant evidence of finding yourself in "the other". It is not an identification that come out of sex as an identification with a sexual object (women) and certainly it is not solely because one cannot identify with the sex they were born as (emotional sensitivity/feminine male) in a hyper masculine world even though feminine male is a misnomer because it implies the feminine male has something in common with women, which they do not.

    Also IMO males who are older that contemplate transitioning should ask themselves if once again their sexuality is the instrument behind their behavior. Their sexuality is now less intense so instead of being "other aware" toward women as the object of desire they direct their gaze inward toward the self. Once again it is sex but only in its absence that is the force that shapes identity.(behavior)

    Crossdressers who have been sexualizing themselves are especially vulnerable to this confusion.

    https://bryanasands.wordpress.com/20...-physical-act/
    Last edited by KellyJameson; 12-20-2016 at 06:15 PM.

  3. #3
    Member Mirya's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2016
    Location
    USA
    Posts
    413
    Quote Originally Posted by Teresa View Post
    I do feel my dressing is still evolving and leading me closer to the TS line
    Teresa, thank you for sharing your personal story, but this quoted statement is just wrong on so many levels. Each person's gender identity is formed very early in the first few years of their life. Some say it's even formed at birth. You don't "evolve" in your dressing and eventually become a TS. You are what you are - always have been and always will be.

    Maybe some people don't realize they're TS until later in life - in that case it's a matter of peeling away the many layers of forced and learned behavior to reveal the true identity within. And that's frequently done by examining one's self in the context of their social life, (relationships and interactions with other people) NOT by the clothes they've tried out or worn through the years. Ask yourself, did you have close female friendships throughout your life? Did you have meaningful, deep conversations with the female friends in your life? Did they confide in you and trust you with their struggles and triumphs as they would with other women?

    Also ask yourself this - how comfortable were you in your roles as brother, boyfriend, husband, and father? If a "TS" lives many years as a husband/father and doesn't find those roles agonizingly difficult, it really makes me wonder. How in the world did that person cope with their impossible identity struggle for so long? Were they not driven to self-destructive, addictive behavior, or even suicidal thoughts? I certainly was, and I never even had to be a husband to anyone. That's how bad it can get.

    Teresa, everything you have written is about clothing and sexuality. Even in your dreams, it's about the clothes (not that dreams mean anything). It is not wearing female clothes that causes a MtF TS to transition. It is usually having to survive socially as a male that makes us feel we have to choose.

  4. #4
    Silver Member Rogina B's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Location
    Ft Lauderdale Fl
    Posts
    3,962
    Quote Originally Posted by Teresa View Post

    I do feel my dressing is still evolving and leading me closer to the TS line, I do prefer to be dressed as Teresa, I still have that feeling in the pit of my stomach which does go when I'm dressed. If my separation had happened my plan was to move away and dress full time, and build a new life around it.
    Teresa,I think that being restricted has you over thinking. "Socially transitioning" is a realistic option that some of us live out. It means living an "out" life with the freedom to be yourself. For some of us,this option has been satisfying. No need for deep thinking,just a need to be courageous and true to yourself. "Street time" is a very valuable education.

  5. #5
    Aspiring Member Brooklyn's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2013
    Posts
    563
    Is it your impression that those who have transitioned did so as a result of frequent crossdressing and sexual arousal like you describe? I guess people have transitioned for all kinds of reasons, but transsexual women are not crossdressers who went full-time or something like that.

    Quote Originally Posted by Teresa View Post
    If my separation had happened my plan was to move away and dress full time, and build a new life around it.
    This may be an important insight into what triggers your crossdressing. Watch for the ups and downs of your life, and see how they correspond to your desire to dress up. I'll bet you'll see a connection.
    Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hairstylist you like.

  6. #6
    Banned Read only
    Join Date
    Dec 2013
    Location
    UK
    Posts
    13,082
    Kelly,
    Many thanks for the link that article, I can see connections I have felt. Th opening piece describing why some thoughts become over riding.

    My sexuality hasn't hasn't diminished that much, I have gone full circle in some respects, since my wife's menopause, she has no interest in intimate contact . She does know my dressing is a substitute now, I'm not too happy about the situation but I accept and respect her decision .

    Mirya,
    I understand your comment , I was expecting to receive replies like that, there are still aspects that cause confusion.

    As for your point about relating to other people, I've never had a problem with confiding in women, at the same time I did what my generation was expected of me , getting married , having a family and now grandchildren, it was all part of life it was so full but at the same time a struggle, with the background I was living with as mentioned in my thread. I'm OK with my role, but I know the bouts of depression especially after I came out to my wife are down to being pulled in another direction.
    I did come close to ending my life twenty years ago, it was after I came out to my wife , the whole of me felt so rejected and unloved , it wasn't premeditated . I got away with it and don't wish to go down that road again.
    To me this thread is the last part of a puzzle that I hope someone can identify with.

    Rogina,
    I have to agree with you, the out time should have happened a long time ago .

    The last few weeks have been a turning point for me, first a conversation with a TS who has had full SRS suggested after I related this story that I should have a gender assessment, then went on to say that she felt I was completely passable. Since then I have had several PMs from members saying I make a natural female , which is something I have always sought to achieve. I apologise for reusing the pictures but the black dress was worn at the Xmas party with other members of the public attending, I felt so comfortable looking as I did in front of the mixed company. I have to admit those pictures are how I prefer to appear, the true me. It's not an act, it's certainly not a hobby ( that one I still find slightly insulting especially to my wife and family !) I'm not bothered what style of underwear I have underneath, like any it has a job to do, I don't do padding as a parody of a woman, apart from something to form a bust. I really would like to move on and live on my female side , I have done it from the male side for sixty years .

    Brooklyn,
    My CDing needs don't ebb and flow, the way it started has left me with a need 24/7, dressing does relieve stress but the ups and downs don't increase or decrease the need.

    Question about T levels.

    Last time I wrote this down the obvious conclusion was my T must have kicked in early , I have never had my T level checked but I assume it is still high, I still feel I'm being driven by the same effects after all these years.

    So my question is what happens when that level diminishes, where will I land ? Will my female inclination take over, if it's part of an internal conflict.

    I know I'm in the right section to get a true answer as T levels affect the course of transition .


    Last edited by Teresa; 12-21-2016 at 09:47 AM.

  7. #7
    Woman first, Trans second
    Join Date
    May 2009
    Location
    SF Bay Area
    Posts
    877
    Teresa, you've been writing here for years. I've read most of it.

    I agree with the others who've pointed out that pretty much everything you've ever written has focused on clothing and sex. The last time I saw you write anything significant about seeing a therapist, you had sexualized that relationship too.

    Unless you can separate the sexual aspects of this from any identity aspects you may or may not have, it will be impossible for you to determine what is actually going on with you. You need to see a proper therapist, and you need to have a proper professional relationship with them. You need to live your life. You need to shit or get off the pot, and for the love of all that is good, you need to stop blaming your wife and her lack of sexual desire for all of your problems and your lack of courage to do whatever the hell it is you need to do.

    Personally, I don't think you're TS, and I definitely don't think you're strong enough to transition at this point. I think you ARE autogynephilic, which is frankly a much better basis for describing fetishistic transvestitism than it ever was for describing transexuality. I think that if you actually make the effort to separate "sexuality" and "identity" into two separate piles, you'll find the "identity" pile to be nearly empty.
    Coming out is like discovering that you've been drowning your whole life after actually breathing air for the first time.

  8. #8
    Silver Member STACY B's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
    Location
    South Miss
    Posts
    2,908
    Yep Yep Yep,, Zooey Hit it again, I know I know most if not all may not agree with some responces here and that it fine, But this section Ain't no Fashion show, Or sex show, This is a deep seated NEED to get some kind of relief from years of being abnormal up stairs. And it Most deffinitly Has Zero to do with ANYONE EXCEPT YOU !!!

    This is our problem and ours only, Go out and find you a Therapist that deals with this and has a GOOD TRACK RECORD and do the WORK and if you are them maybe you can get medical help and solve all of your worries once and for all. Hell I did it twice so trust me that just because you go and try it doesn't mean you can't ever back up and punt and try try try again.

    I did it till I got it right, There isn't a hand book for this, It's all trial and error with lots and lots of error to be had. You may be like me on HRT 2 years and still look act talk just like a MAN, So if you like the sex and the dressing and all the Purdy outfits and playing dress up the old dreaded HRT path may not be all you think it's cracked up to be, You end up with the sex drive of a WOMAN,, Not a Horny MAN, That's what this is all about, MTF,, Wanting to be female, So that means just that, SORRY,, But that is How it REALLY IS,,,,
    Yull Find Out !!! lol,,,,

  9. #9
    Banned Read only
    Join Date
    Dec 2013
    Location
    UK
    Posts
    13,082
    Stacy,
    Is it so wrong to wrong to ask a help forum if they share a similar story , I thought some where on here a member might say they do , I continually search in M/F section and I did say that I may be breaking some rules to ask in this section. I'm not looking for free therapy I'm just searching for someone I can relate to , I certainly didn't come here to offend anyone. If you are referring to the pictures, I apologise for using them but they were part of my reply to Rogina, and I do know how to dress appropriately. I do now know TSs in my social group they dress in a similar way for our meetings, just because they are in transition they still like to look good isn't that part of what we do ?

    Zooey,
    I'm trying to deal with the feeling I have had for so many years, and again where is the problem in asking if anyone does relate to it.

    Bringing in the old chestnut of us having to consider different values over the TS issue, is not relevant . I do not blame my wife for my sexual problems I was obviously born with them so it's nothing to do with her, and I've always said I respect her wishes . I have never sexualised the relationship with my counsellor, I do admit I found her attractive but I also admit she was professional and we made some progress, sadly the funding ran out before the sessions were complete.
    I admit I enjoy putting outfits together but I don't bring the sexual side into it , in fact I prefer to play it down, I don't dress for sex , I dress for satisfying an inner need to present as female.

    As I mentioned I have searched ever since joining the forum to find a similar story in M/F , I did say I thought I might be breaking some rules asking the question in this section, but as usual you tread on hallowed ground and get your balls chewed off, why do you have to have this attitude when people ask a simple question hoping someone can relate to you ? Is this a help forum or a hate forum ?

  10. #10
    Woman first, Trans second
    Join Date
    May 2009
    Location
    SF Bay Area
    Posts
    877
    Quote Originally Posted by Teresa View Post
    I do not blame my wife for my sexual problems I was obviously born with them so it's nothing to do with her, and I've always said I respect her wishes . I have never sexualized the relationship with my counsellor, I do admit I found her attractive but I also admit she was professional and we made some progress, sadly the funding ran out before the sessions were complete.
    Clearly you and I have very different interpretations of what you've written over the years. With respect to your wife, looking just within this thread, I think it's pretty clear when you specifically refer to your "dressing" as a "substitute" for sex with her. With respect to the relationship with your therapist, sexualizing the relationship doesn't mean that you had sex with her, but it does mean that you fetishized the experience. The way you've written about it in the past was positively dripping with sexualization, much the way that you write about clothes.

    Quote Originally Posted by Teresa View Post
    I'm trying to deal with the feeling I have had for so many years, and again where is the problem in asking if anyone does relate to it.
    Teresa, my point is precisely this... Deal with that feeling. Really deal with it, and stop trying to get somebody here to validate you. Find your own validation for yourself.

    You've been trying to find an explanation for your feelings here for years, and as far as I can tell, you haven't found one yet. Or, more accurately, you haven't found one you're willing to accept. Doing the same thing you've been "doing" about it for years and expecting a different result is the definition of insane.

    I told you what you need to do. Work with a proper professional in an appropriate way, put in the hard work, and get to the bottom of it. To the extent that this is a "help forum", that is the best help I can offer you.

    I don't actually know what conclusion you'll come to, nor do I much care, but doing the hard work is the only way you're going to get there.
    Coming out is like discovering that you've been drowning your whole life after actually breathing air for the first time.

  11. #11
    Banned Read only
    Join Date
    Dec 2013
    Location
    UK
    Posts
    13,082
    Zooey,
    You've made your point so why did you answer if you don't care of the outcome, that was a feelingless comment to make . Perhaps allow someone to answer that may be happy to help me out, I'm not looking for validation , is it so wrong to want talk to someone who may live with the same situation .

  12. #12
    Member Mirya's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2016
    Location
    USA
    Posts
    413
    Quote Originally Posted by Teresa View Post
    Mirya,
    As for your point about relating to other people, I've never had a problem with confiding in women
    Ok, but that's not what I asked in my previous post. I asked if women confided in you, not the other way around. There's a difference, and it matters.

    Quote Originally Posted by Teresa View Post
    I'm OK with my role, but I know the bouts of depression especially after I came out to my wife are down to being pulled in another direction.
    I did come close to ending my life twenty years ago, it was after I came out to my wife , the whole of me felt so rejected and unloved , it wasn't premeditated . I got away with it and don't wish to go down that road again.
    I'm sorry that you suffered from depression, but you just wrote in this quote that it was due to the fallout from coming out to your wife. And you said that you were ok with your role as a male. That doesn't sound to me like a lifelong depression caused by living as a male with a female gender identity (which is more typical of someone who is TS).

    Are you asking if you're TS? Is that why you posted in this subforum? Personally, I am almost certain that you're not. And I'm kind of new here, so I haven't read any of your other thousands of posts. Unlike Zooey, this thread is the first I've read of yours. But I've personally met and talked to enough trans people from all across the spectrum to know already that you're not TS. And to answer your question regarding your personal narrative, I don't know a single TS woman who shares your story/experience.

    You're certainly a transgender person of some sort though. And I think it's good that you're still searching for answers. I believe it's immensely helpful for every transgender person to discover their true gender identity - wherever on the spectrum that may be. Perhaps it would be a good idea for you to find a new gender therapist and try again. Back when I was questioning my own gender identity, and whether I should transition, I deliberately chose a male therapist. I think I did that partly because I thought a male therapist would be more likely to be objective and even discourage me from transitioning. Try finding a male therapist - maybe it will be better for you.

  13. #13
    Banned Read only
    Join Date
    Dec 2013
    Location
    UK
    Posts
    13,082
    Myra,
    Many thanks for replying.
    To answer your first point yes the interaction with women is two way, I've never had a problem , I would say that relates to being a self employed photographer for thirty years. Putting people at their ease and getting their confidence, it may be why I feel fairly confident dressed, I had to get my customers acceptance fairly quickly to achieve the pictures I needed.

    The depression hit me when I came out to my wife, initially she was OK but the sharing side of my CDing as I mentioned in my OP didn't happen, I felt I fell in love with her all over again but of course that wasn't returned after twenty years of marriage. I then spiraled down to the point where my whole being felt so rejected and unloved I nearly did end it all. I was sent for counselling but that was short lived because he wanted to talk to both of us to help move the situation along. my wife refused , I was the one so the outcome was I was passed back to my GP and put on long term Prozac . That didn't really help because it made me more comfortable with my CDing which is something my wife didn't want to hear. My recent counsellor with consulation with my GP wanted to try me again on Prozac, this time round I found the side effects worse than the condition it was trying help so I came off them. The biggest help tp me this year has been going out socially to meet other members of the TG community. It's the first time I've had to meet other CDers and TSs . The great thing is we are all equal we treat each other in the same way,none of know exactly where another is on the gender road so we treat each other with equal respect.

  14. #14
    Country Gal.... Megan G's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Location
    Southern Ontario
    Posts
    509
    Teresa,

    You have been floundering around for years trying to come to grips with all this and so many have tried to help unsuccessfully so my only advise to you is to find a qualified therapist. This is the only way your going to get down to the nuts and bolts of it all....

    I wish you luck but until your willing to cut thru the BS and do the work your going to continue to struggle....
    I'm outta here...

  15. #15
    Call me Pam pamela7's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Location
    SW England
    Posts
    2,925
    Hi Teresa,

    let's set aside the precocious sexuality and the confusions arising thereafter. Before your first orgasm you were already drawn to the female clothing and form. This feels to me like the deepest root to explore.

    Since I made my own forms for breasts and hips a few months ago, I've attained a new level of kinaesthetic "rightness" in my self-image. Now I wear them all the time, and when I look in the mirror the body shape I see feels "right". What this means to me is that my sense of self feels aligned for the first time in my life when I look in the mirror. From a lifetime of avoiding cameras, now I'm happy to be photographed, because it's right. My life is now 24/7/365 female, home, work, play, doctor, dentist, you name it, it's done and dusted. I'm just sitting patiently in the queue for hrt and grs. I know now.

    Extensive high-quality processing will perhaps get you to your own knowing. The problems are huge to overcome - entrained behaviours, T effects, sexual experience imprintings, and your own sense of identity. Remember that Marcelle has transitioned without hormones nor surgery. You can live as a woman 24/7 and see if it solves your life problems.

    A final point. I remember being told that every depression is different and that no-one else can comment on anyone else's depression. Well guess what? We can't comment on whether your transgender situation is anything like anyone else's or that what you report means you are CD or fluid or bi-gender or ...? The only person who in the end can "know" is you. And this is why the top-notch therapist is required. I don't believe you need a specialist, just go for a therapist who will cleanly facilitate your own emergence understanding.

    hope you resolve this


    xxx Pam
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dJFyz73MRcg
    I used to believe this, now I'm in the company of many tiggers. A tigger does not wonder why she is a tigger, she just is a tigger.

    thanks to krististeph: tigger = TG'er .. T-I-GG-er

  16. #16
    Gold Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Posts
    6,896
    One thing that is really simple. If you are trying to determine whether you are TS based upon your looks (appearance, breasts, etc), then you ain't TS. Period. You might want to call yourself TS, but calling yourself TS doesn't make you one. I can take a dump and call it a dozen roses, but I doubt anyone else will see it that way.

    It is like a local friend. He crossdresses about 95% of the time. But he knows he isn't TS and that is okay. He searched for who he was and accepted that and thrives with that. Being TS is not something you try and talk yourself into believing you are. It is something that you reach after working through everything. The goal should be to understand yourself, not to give yourself an identity. That is the only way you can really be happy.

  17. #17
    Banned Read only
    Join Date
    Dec 2013
    Location
    UK
    Posts
    13,082
    I would like to thank you all for taking the time to read my OP and replying with your thoughts and suggestions.

    I'm also grateful that the mods allowed me to post a debatable thread in this section.

    Going back to my opening statement, after so many years of living with the feelings that started so long ago, I did feel other young boys may have gone through the same situation , even though this section is open to comment to anyone I am surprised that no one has so far related to my story. I've finally got it off my chest and told it to people that can accept and understand what goes on inside our brains. One important point I am grateful for is no outside agency was involved in my sexual development otherwise the story could have been totally different and the consequences far harder to live with .

    Many of you have urged me to seek further counselling, I don't disagree with that, this is not a cop out but I'm afraid in my current circumstances it's not going to happen.
    It would be fine if the NHS would fund it but I certainly can't , after my last sessions of counselling the deal with my wife was no more, she couldn't live with it and neither could the rest of the family after we nearly separated during the last course . We would have to separate before I go further down that road, at the moment we have a workable compromise . Throwing the two CCs at me , ( courage or cowardice ) is no way to decide my future and that of my family, there are a whole list of them to consider, I'm not stupid or oblivious to the choices you have to make, I know your life will never be the same again. I was aware of this before I joined the forum. Twenty years ago when I came out to my wife and I had to answer her questions on wanting to be a woman and transition .

    This is why I felt it was finally time to tell my story, OK I accept that that I may be an Autogynephilic and my brain is sexually orientated towards women as a bi-gender., I can live with that after 60 years a few more aren't going to make much difference now, I'm sure it didn't have to thrown at me like something off a dung heap, besides those comments no matter how they are said can't change what is locked in my brain , if it's part of me then so be it .

    The comment I made about building my life around going full time, what ever is driving that and what the eventual outcome would be I can't honestly say, please believe me when I say I still want it to happen . Pamela mentioned Marcelle, it took her a while and she had the support of her partner, I have only been out in public since January , I can't believe how comfortable I feel but I have to moderate my feelings through my lack of support.

    Pamela,
    To answer your question, it did happen with quite a bang not much build up to the situation I described , possibly my T kicked in and it was like a chain reaction.

    Now days I may get the odd moments of depression, but then don't most of us, maybe you could call them periods of frustration, walking the dog is usually enough to get over it and find positive thoughts .

    I did ask the question of what may happen when my T level does finally drop .
    Last edited by Teresa; 12-23-2016 at 03:46 PM.

  18. #18
    Gold Member Kaitlyn Michele's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Posts
    6,640
    Quote Originally Posted by Zooey View Post
    Teresa, you've been writing here for years. I've read most of it.

    I agree with the others who've pointed out that pretty much everything you've ever written has focused on clothing and sex. The last time I saw you write anything significant about seeing a therapist, you had sexualized that relationship too.

    Unless you can separate the sexual aspects of this from any identity aspects you may or may not have, it will be impossible for you to determine what is actually going on with you. You need to see a proper therapist, and you need to have a proper professional relationship with them. You need to live your life. You need to shit or get off the pot, and for the love of all that is good, you need to stop blaming your wife and her lack of sexual desire for all of your problems and your lack of courage to do whatever the hell it is you need to do.

    Personally, I don't think you're TS, and I definitely don't think you're strong enough to transition at this point. I think you ARE autogynephilic, which is frankly a much better basis for describing fetishistic transvestitism than it ever was for describing transexuality. I think that if you actually make the effort to separate "sexuality" and "identity" into two separate piles, you'll find the "identity" pile to be nearly empty.
    I'm "autogynephilic"
    .couldnt disagree more Zooey and you should stop saying it..if youve never suffered this plague, you dont know what its like...its horrible

    in fact, i'd say this does more harm to transsexuals than most things...

    i dont know if this sexual feeling (which i cannot control, its ALOT less now heh), is "caused" by the ts confusion, or if its j ust part of my normal sexuality....

    i had to actively learn how to ignore this... i was counseled to touch a ball gown and masturbate by my first therapist..its no fun at all..

    and if it robbed me of feeling sexually attracted to men or women, that's just another barrier i have to overcome to successfully transition
    -----------------------------

    As for Teresa, you don't want it bad enough...i dont think your sexuality is important to your quality of life in "real world".. until your need to do something over rides all the roadblocks "real and invented", you are kind of stuck...

    I'm a mathemetician...i over analyzed...i hope you dont fall in that trap... the analysis becomes the "thing",.....you need lots more data..its about the data...and the data is about doing it..
    i've seen it over and over..."i cant do therapy because......".... when i read that i have to admit my thought is "thats that then".....
    Last edited by Kaitlyn Michele; 12-24-2016 at 08:29 AM.
    I am real

  19. #19
    Silver Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2011
    Posts
    4,382
    I've been through - and I mean through ... down into, all around, and out the other end ... enough to know better than judge any particular manifestation as finality, regardless of familiarity or rarity. So while I don't conflate cross-sex identity (transsexualism) with crossdressing, neither do I dismiss a focus on the latter as the means to figure things out. The focus arises from compensation. Sorry, Teresa, this is more theoretical than necessarily about you. It's up to you to figure out who you are. Sue's last two sentences nail it.

    Kelly, for once, I disagree with almost everything you've written. I've known many hyper-sensitive women. My daughter is one, in fact. I think your comment on finding identity in the other confuses affinity with recognition with identity, the difference being the conclusion itself. For example, I've had a lifelong affinity for women in a myriad of ways, yet the strongest self-recognition experience by far I had was the first in-person encounter with another trans woman. To quote Kaitlyn, however, that was a data point, if a very important one. My path to identity, to the point of my first paragraph, was to pass through the nullity of my self-perception to a return to, and acceptance of my earliest sense of self. It was a dark, dark path, bordering on a kind of insanity.

    Kaitlyn, forgive my presumption, but you're not autogynephilic, regardless of your sexual history as it relates to your gender issues. Read Anne Lawrence and some of the behavioral controversies that swirl around her. THAT'S autogynephilia. You've entered your own peace and that's very different.
    Last edited by LeaP; 12-25-2016 at 10:30 AM. Reason: Spelling
    Lea

  20. #20
    Member Mirya's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2016
    Location
    USA
    Posts
    413
    Quote Originally Posted by Teresa View Post
    The biggest help tp me this year has been going out socially to meet other members of the TG community. It's the first time I've had to meet other CDers and TSs . The great thing is we are all equal we treat each other in the same way,none of know exactly where another is on the gender road so we treat each other with equal respect.
    While there's no substitute for gender therapy, spending time with other CD, TG, and TS people can also lend some clarity to your own gender identity. Sometimes we see parts of ourselves reflected in others, and it's through that experience that we better understand who we really are. I'll bet you wish you had gone out to TG group events years earlier!

  21. #21
    Banned Read only
    Join Date
    Dec 2013
    Location
    UK
    Posts
    13,082
    Myra,
    You bet I do !
    I know it's not for everyone and I'm possibly talking more about CDers but if you want to come to terms with what's driving you getting out is a great leveller , I keep trying to make that point in M/F section. Why you are wearing the clothes and what they really mean to you , relating to how you look to how you feel inside . I do not feel like a man in a dress when I'm out, to say I feel like a woman is taking it too far and I know I will be jumped on if I said it, but it does feel so right and comfortable . I do feel very well accepted maybe because I try and be as natural as possible, it's not an act, no one in our group attempts to change their voice, whatever is driving us we are trying to live it .

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  


Check out these other hot web properties:
Catholic Personals | Jewish Personals | Millionaire Personals | Unsigned Artists | Crossdressing Relationship
BBW Personals | Latino Personals | Black Personals | Crossdresser Chat | Crossdressing QA
Biker Personals | CD Relationship | Crossdressing Dating | FTM Relationship | Dating | TG Relationship


The crossdressing community is one that needs to stick together and continue to be there for each other for whatever one needs.
We are always trying to improve the forum to better serve the crossdresser in all of us.

Browse Crossdressers By State