Firstly let me wish everyone a Happy and Safe New Years.
This may sound like a bit of a rant but please be patient with me, there is something I need to get off my chest and hopefully will get there.
Once again another year has passed, another year older, another year of pain and depression. You see while inside I'm a woman, genetics has given me a 6'5" tall bald 1000% male body. Think brickie in a dress here ok, with a voice to match. The result, clinical depression, self loathing, all the usual suspects that I'm sure we have all felt at some time. (I know I'm nothing special here).
The point being that for my entire life, I've felt trapped, with no way out. Hormones and surgery can do wonders, but not miracles. Society would always see me as that "guy-in-a-dress". Even my family.... well let's say that this Christmas their bigotry was really on display. Zero acceptance there.
Now before you all start to worry, I'm not suicidal per say. Have I thought about it? yep. Could I do it? yep. WOULD I do it? Nope. Confused?
Personal history required to allow you to understand.
In my extended family, over the past 30-40 years, there have been 7 family members who have committed suicide. Some were quick, some not so much. In every case the result of this act was always to transfer the pain and anguish to their close family members. I've personally seen the negative effect that has on those left behind for years and decades after the event.
So while my close family are complete bigots, I still love them and would never put them through that pain. Better for me to shut up and deal than cause them hurt.
Where does that leave me though.....the proverbial cleft stick comes to mind, which brings us back to New Years and resolutions.
Some are easy, 1) I'm gonna lose weight and get back to a size 16 or maybe 14 (might be a bit small for my frame) rather than my current size 20-22.
Some necessary, 2)I'm gonna talk to my doctor about where I am, maybe that will mean hormones, cautious hope, maybe just mental therapy to help with the depression and self esteem. Will take that one step at a time.
I have finally realised that I need to be happy with myself, I can't live the next 40+ years feeling the way I do.
Sorry about the rant girls, but I needed to start getting this off my chest.