Good evening ladies.

I'm completely new into the crossdressing way of life. I'm struggling with myself for quite some time now. Let me tell you my story how it all began.

I'm a 23-year old man living in Europe. When I reached puberty, I had a lot of questions about myself. I never really hated my male body however. I was always wondering how life would be in a female body. I was intrigued. Apart from that, my curiosity in women's clothes had risen through the roof.
For me, it all started with pantyhose. The smooth feeling of the nylon fabric is heavenly. I first wore one when I was about 15-years old. I wore them secretly under my pants or when I was alone in my bedroom. In case you were wondering: it was and still isn't a sexual thing. I don't get aroused when wearing them.

I started collecting them. Black, nude, brown pantyhose, fishnet pantyhose, sheer hold-ups.. This part continues for about a year. Questioning myself, I became disgusted from the idea. I was frightened that someone (my parents or sister) would discover my secret stash. I threw them away.

When I reached 18 years, I went to college and I went to a dorm room (student house). I really enjoyed the freedom. My affection for womanhood came back. I bought a couple pairs of pantyhose and even a pair of black heels. I also painted my toenails a couple of times!
I never went beyond those tiny, little girly steps.

I'm now 23 years old like I previously said. For the third time in my life, I started questioning myself and my gender. I think I always wanted to be a woman. Nevertheless, I'll never take a step into transgendering. My friends, my parents, my girlfriend, they can't handle with that. Neither do I, I think.

The best option I have is crossdressing. Those tiny things - the painted toenails, the heels, the hose - it frees me. I feel like i'm more 'me' when I'm crossdressing.


You can tell by my story that I'm really underexperienced. I don't have any women's clothes now. I threw everything away a long time ago.
I wish to start over and go into full girl mode now! Step by step, I want to discover myself and my inner me. I want to free myself.
Slow and steady.

Therefore, I need your help. I'm a big guy (110kg, 242lb and 172 cm, 5ft 8inch). I really don't know what kind of clothes fit me well. My shoe size is 42 (size 9 in US.)

I honestly don't know where to start. Hosiery first again? Shoes?


I'm sorry for this long and chaotic post. English is not my first language and I'm completely new to this.

With love

Helena