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Thread: One of those days

  1. #1
    Member Evie82's Avatar
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    One of those days

    Hi all

    Just to pre-warn you that this could turn into a bit of a rant for which I apologise in advance.

    Ok, so I know I'm trans and I'm on the waiting list for counseling at the moment, so it's a start I guess but a painful wait. I've also not come out yet, even if people do see my fashion sense as a bit eclectic. The thing is recently I've been having more and more bad days - being forced to present and act male is really getting to me, especially at work, and it's making me miserable, grumpy and makes me feel like I could either lose my temper or cry at the slightest thing. I think it may be affecting my sleep too.

    Usually having something to eat helps, but I don't want to get into the habit of loading my desk up with chocolate. When I got home I had a hug with my partner and at least changed into my female underwear (I've had to run a few errands) which has helped a lot. However my head is still a whirlwind of confusion and anxiety and I just wish it wasn't.

    I wondered if this sort of thing is familiar to anyone else and if so how you cope(d) with it. At the moment I'm considering underdressing every day, which isn't risk free but could help. Otherwise all I can do is take a bathroom break so I can look at a pic of the real me I keep saved in my phone, which helps but isn't exactly something I can do every hour. As far as the sleep goes I do have some mess but I don't want to be taking them all the time either. Sometimes I really feel like just saying "sod it" and coming out, but I know I'm not really ready for that yet.

    I'm not really sure how to finish up here (I'm a bit of a mess at the moment) but if you've made it this far thank you. Hope to hear from you.

    Evie

  2. #2
    Transgender Person Pat's Avatar
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    I think most will recognize the symptoms of getting started on the road. It's probably useful to think a bit about what you expect counseling to do for you. Are you waiting for permission to be yourself? I'm horrible in that regard -- I'm in my 60's and still find myself looking for permission to do things that I know full well I don't need to ask anyone about. I'm the only one who can give me permission these days. But sometimes I have to sit down and think about it to realize that's what's happening. I don't know if counseling is different in the UK system, but here in the US counselors never give you permission anyway -- it's not their job. Their job is to guide you to where you find your own answer. If that makes sense to you, then consider starting now rather than waiting for a counseling appointment. What can you do to make you feel like you're making forward progress? Underdressing is one thing, wearing a piece of jewelry, paining your toenails, getting your hair styled in a unisex style or getting your ears pierced -- find small things that you can start to wedge the door open with. The most useful thing might be to find others like you that you can talk to face-to-face. That helped me the most (and here I have to add a disclaimer that I'm not TS but am 'non-binary in transition' as I heard it phrased at a conference last weekend.)
    I am not a woman; I don't want to be a woman; I don't want to be mistaken for a woman.
    I am not a man; I don't want to be a man; I don't want to be mistaken for a man.
    I am a transgender person. And I'm still figuring out what that means.

  3. #3
    Aspiring Member Georgette_USA's Avatar
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    Evie

    I feel for you. Yes a lot of that is similar.

    Didn't have to wait on a counselor/psychiatric but did have to pay out of my own pocket. I didn't know if my health insurance would pay and didn't want to push, as I was not ready to declare at work, so all my expenses were out of pocket.
    I did all I could get away with at work. Longer hair and styled. Pierced ears. After the military I only wore female knickers, ask the UK people, no other under-dressing so that wasn't any help. Went on HRT. Had my Legal Name Change. Of course all on my expense.

    My worst was after I came out at work. Legally they weren't sure about working as a woman. So I had to send many letters, NO eMail in those days, back and forth with HR and surgeons for some 5 months. Lived as a woman all but work, made coming back everyday dressed as a male so bad at times. I not sure I ever acted as a man.

    My partner was going thru this also, but was self employed so not a problem of switching back and forth. This did not make me feel any better.

  4. #4
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    It isn't easy Evie. If you aren't ready to come out that's cool, you need to develop some coping techniques to deal with the stress you will inevitably feel. Chocolate is fine, please do not use alcohol or medications though as that is not a healthy pathway.

    I am no psych and I will have to be honest I never saw one. Whenever I try to deal with something that is stressful I try and future project i.e. in 1 month / 1 year / 5 years will I really be worried about this thing. That often helps to make it seem a finite stress that can be dealt with. The other thing to do if you already know you are trans is start with getting some stuff accomplished that won't cause you to be obviously outed. Simple little things like getting your legs waxed, laser for facial hair removal, paint your toenails, that sort of thing. If underdressing helps you then go for it, lets face it NO ONE other than your partner should see your undies so the chances of getting outed are minimal there. Maybe get some cute spaghetti strap singlets in a womens style, most people won't notice that under a work shirt.

    Don't know if that helps but I hope you feel better.

    Best wishes

    Kate

  5. #5
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    Evie

    I understand your frustration regarding the pace of the transgender service in the UK. Even when you do get onto the system, all the counselor will do is guide you. Everything you will do will be at your pace.

    It is almost 3 years since I left the NHS system so things may be different to what I knew, so I will not give you advice on the system What I can say is, if you are ready, there are protections in place for TG folk in the UK, they are strong, but as we all know, the issue is proving you were disadvantaged because you are TG This of course is not much help to you as you say
    Sometimes I really feel like just saying "sod it" and coming out, but I know I'm not really ready for that yet.
    Under dressing may be a mechanism to help you cope, however, there is still the potential for an inadvertent outing. Only you, unfortunately, can decide what will help you cope with the stress and strain of being TS, but having to hide it. I am not even able to offer any insight to the feelings you have in this respect because I did everything without "medical" intervention. I was 24/7 with name change, for about 4 years before I even considered the NHS for the final steps i.e HRT and surgery.
    Listen carefully to what is said, quite often you can hear what is not being said

    The joy of correcting a mistake can bring pain to another

  6. #6
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    Evie, I have a lot more latitude and freedom than you seem to have these days, but what you're saying totally resonates with me. I'm just so sorry that you're up against bureaucratic inertia that's in the way of getting help and moving forward, because it sounds like the pressure is building up. Been there, done that, can't last.

    I would say bite the bullet and do every little thing you can to ease the torment of having to present the mask, which you are doing really for the sake of everyone but yourself. As others have said, no one will see your toenails, but you will know, whenever you need to think about a connection to who you want to be, that they are all pretty down there under your shoes and socks. I also think underdressing is very low-risk; who has seen you without your outerwear lately? Again it will be hidden, but you will know it's there. Try wearing a crop top if you think a conventional bra is too obvious. Properly done, the most anyone will see will look like a "wife-beater" undershirt, but you will feel the band (what someone here called the "hug") anytime you care to think about it.

    Do you shave the usual body bits? If not, who will see you, and, more importantly, who has a right to care anyway? Even if you're in a cubicle farm at work, you could always pretend your lower leg itches and take a brief moment to remind yourself.

    That's the biggest thing I hear in your "rant" (actually nothing of the kind), that you're starving for everyday/workday affirmation of what's inside. Thoughts are free and easy to come by, but there is no substitute for some kind of physical affirmation of where you want to go/be. Boy, oh boy, do I know that feeling of being trapped in a false maleness.

    I'm not a trained counselor, but I have spent plenty of time with such. From what you're describing, my opinion is that you can't bottle this up indefinitely, and you will likely find that all of those ingrained male defenses, which hold you back but are now becoming such a burden, will just melt like snowflakes on a heated sidewalk once you let her out into the light of day and begin to own who you really are.

    Good luck, and hang in there.

  7. #7
    Member Evie82's Avatar
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    Thank you all for the kind words of encouragement :-)
    Like I said, my head is a complete whirlwind at the moment so I'll probably take a little time and try to make a start on working things out properly.
    Just to answer a few questions/points you've raised -
    I have no intention of using drugs or alcohol to numb all this. I've seen bad things happen to people I know from various substances so I'm not inclined to start doing anything I don't want to along those lines.
    I'm not really sure if I'm waiting for permission, as such. I suppose it's a bit of fear of the small village mentality I live amongst and how some family members would react... I've heard a few clues over the years.
    I do try to keep "properly groomed" shall we say, my hair is getting quite long and I wear it in an androgynous-to-female style when I can, otherwise a non-descript ponytail. My partner (FtM/fluid) is incredibly supportive and I treasure the time we're together, especially as we want to be. It just feels like a massive deflation when I have to go back to what passes for real life.
    Once again, your kindness truly is appreciated very much so thank you again!

  8. #8
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    If your hair is getting long enough for a ponytail, consider an understated barrette instead of an elastic scrunchie/rubber band or whatever you're using. Think of the old BBC Poldark lead character's hair, bundled at the neck. One more little detail, and one that's easy to explain away as just a more secure way to keep your hair out of the way.

    I'm not quite in a village, but an urban area of about 100k set in miles and miles of surrounding farm country. It's something of a college-town island in a whole lot of backwardness but still has plenty of rednecky types, so I sympathize with the challenges presented by that environment.

  9. #9
    Aspiring Member Danni Renee's Avatar
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    I would say I am going through something similar in emotions and face similar challenges. I am fortunate to be in a position where I don't really answer to anyone directly but I have significant interactions with local government officials, media, and the general public. I am transitioning in full view of everyone without acknowledging to them that I am transitioning. I am able to underdress daily and really on a typical day the only male clothing I wear are a top and shoes (size 12 women's shoes are impossible to find local). I can wear jeans to work and so I wear women's jeans. It is a pretty androgynous look though I am getting more comments weekly about the changes.

    All that said I want more. I come home and cry because I want to stop hiding and just be me. I live in a very conservative part of West Virginia and transitioning will not be easy. Transitioning will also negatively impact my ability to do my job as most of the people I have to work with will not acknowledge me once I transition. I get very depressed at times but I focus on the future. Things will get better, even if they get harder in the short term.

    I tell myself everyday I have to live my life for me, not for others.

    Danielle
    I'M FREE, I'M FREE! I GET TO BE ME!

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