Afinity diagram

[Meghan4now]

I was thinking about therapy and crossdressing. I have not gone to therapy, but am considering it as a useful tool to know how to deal with my own son's GID question.

While I know that we may never know the real "cause" of CDING or GID, examining the possible causes or input varables, and assessing their importance on a relative scale might be useful. Since there are many "causes", I wonder if graphing them on an afinity (spiderweb) diagram could be useful. Has anyone done this? Is this a tool that you've seen or used?

[ElleStreet]

What are you struggling to deal with? And how does this diagram help?

[Pat]

While I know that we may never know the real "cause" of CDING or GID, examining the possible causes or input varables, and assessing their importance on a relative scale might be useful. Since there are many "causes", I wonder if graphing them on an afinity (spiderweb) diagram could be useful.

Meaning no offense, it seems like a very male approach to the problem -- deploy tools, do deep analysis, find The Answer. And I kinda get it, when the issue is your kid, you pull out all the stops. But if your son has GID issues, what does knowing the "cause" solve? Are you hoping it's something you can fix? Does that say you don't accept it? Over the course of time the medical community has moved from trying to "fix" gender issues (didn't work) to trying to find a way to make them not be problems. Acceptance has been the thing proven most effective against anxiety, depression and suicide. That involves getting the person to accept themselves, getting their family/friends to accept the person and getting society to accept the class of people who are TG. I like to compare being transgender to being left-handed. Left-handers had huge problems when society tried to make them conform to right-handedness. They have no problems (except the occasional ink stain) now that they have acceptance. It turns out it doesn't matter why you're left-handed.

[phili]

I'm in support of it- and we can use a free shared Mindmeister mind map to do it. I'm enthusiastic since I put together my outline of the experiences that lead to crossdressing (and all other gender related behaviors] :
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...s-and-feelings

I'll collaborate with you. I think I have a pretty good handle on how everything works now to create the variety of GID feelings we see expressed. It doesn't solve the problem of others in our lives having conflicting need priorities, but at least it explains how we got to where we are.

[s.e.al]

I will never understand why people can not just enjoy what makes them happy without trying to figure out why it does.😅

[Meghan4now]

Well, first of all I was raised male, and am an engineer, so a systematic approach to dealing with what can be preceived as an issue is typical to my nature. However, while it may be seen as sterotypically male, I know a great many females in engineering and quality and life sciences that would take the same approach.

When your child says "hey I think I'm TG and want you to start me on HRT", but shows no other signs of stereotypical female presentation, but in fact presents and acts very stereotypically male, I find this to be inconsistant. Also given the fact that he has also been diagosed on the Autism spectrum, ADHD and depression, I am not so sure that his statement is a good representation of his true inner being. For him, there is a serious lack of maturity and self reliance. It is very possible that his expression may be a result of other factors that are driving this desire.

It would be far more than irresponsible to say, "oh sure, why don't you go to some hack doctor that will write you a scrip (They DO exist). That would be abusive. Rather, it would be far better to know how to speak with him with more acceptance by having a better understanding of where he is comming from.

Like it or not, this is my child, and I would not want him to make a mistake that could have a lifelong impact. You read here how difficult the road is for TS. And how it should not be taken lightly or with a cavalier attitude.

I was just curious as to whether this was a good approach to helping him come to some self realization of where he is truly motivated. I've not been to therapy myself, so I don't know. But I would be willing to go and to learn, if only to help my child make the best decision for his own life.

[Tracii G]

Meghan you said he thinks he is TG.
Have you sat down and asked him in depth why he feels that way?
Its possible he is seeking attention by grabbing on to the current popular thing that all the kids talk about.
Ask him what he knows about trans issues etc.

[ElleStreet]

Have you not tried talking to him about your reservations about his not being feminine at all? If so, what did he say?

For what it's worth I appreciate the analytical approach you're taking. But I'm not sure how finding the causes helps here.

I don't have a lot of faith in it myself but therapy does seem to help out a lot of people if that's an option for you.

I know transgender women don't each have to be girly girls but does he even crossdress or appear to want to outwardly appear as a woman?, also what's his age because there can be a lot of pressure with pre-hormones transgender people who after realising they are trans are wanting to get on hormones as soon as possible to prevent any masculinising effects of getting older/puberty

[ClosetED]

I am reading 'The Gene" and start thread about it. So there seems to be genetic component to both gender preference and gender identity. But as is often the case, some other factors need to also come into play. And is CDing a form of GID, or different? My suggestion would be to do group therapy with your son, which may help in many ways. He may just be following your example or may truly have inherited this. Being at the edge of the spectrum myself, that serves us well in science and math, so I understand the desire to analyze. However, not enough unbiased data is present to work on a model. And first, you have to know what are you actually dealing with - an inborn issue or more a desire to emulate his male role model?
IMHO, Ellen

[Meghan4now]

Tracii,

He has not answered that. He is really difficult to get a straight answer out of. He and I did have a decent conversation New Years eve, while mom was in bed. We have lots more to talk about, but it could be helpful to be more directed and organized.

He knows about me.

[Tracii G]

OK I was going to ask that question too.
What is his age btw
He may be trying to be like his Dad too.
We all know analyzing every detail causes more questions and no concrete answers so good luck with that.

[Meghan4now]

He will be 21 in a month. He is more in the contention with Dad phase than be like Dad. He mentioned this before I was out to him, but then buried it. (Yea like most of us), but it recently resurfaced, as part of some other anxiety issues.

P.S. Tracii and Ellen, everything you have suggested has gone through my mind. That's why I really want to understand him better. Heck, if it were just as simple as him being a crossdresser, it might be a whole lot easier, but I don't know that he is, or even if his feelings of GID are really GID or a symptom of something else.

[Tracii G]

Ok we have a better picture now as far as age goes.
I have no idea if the graph would help but you might as well try.

[Stephanie47]

Are you sure your intended therapy questions are really your gender identity questions? How did you get there? From the description you have presented I do not know if your son understands what he is all about. I always think if one were to truly understand what "causes" or "predisposes" one to cross dressing, then why not have a telethon to find a cure?

I have a friend whose grandson (16) is going through all this.....dressing as a female, therapy and counseling, family counseling, has a gay father who recently came out, etc, etc, etc. Basically the family has accepted and struggled with the entire idea. The end result: support.

I realize you're an engineer. My brother is a retired engineer. Yep, that analytical mind always wants to reduce a problem to a mathematical equation.

I struggled with trying to define my gender issue, which is not an issue for me anymore. Maybe for those around me, but, not me. I only had to finally accept myself rather than trying to figure out how this "curse" manifest itself in me. I was total boy. Rough and tumble. Did all that societal manly thing and more and still ended up where I am. If you're going to spend money on therapy then spend it on trying to help him negotiate life.

Frankly, I don't think any counselor will be able to certify why your son or yourself ended up with transgender issues, whatever they may be. I think the autism spectrum issues will also contribute to finding a reason. There are autism kids in our family and although they are highly functional, they do have issues of trying to fit in socially. Not being a psychologist, but, I do wonder if someone who is socially awkward will not try to find a reason and presume they are something they really are not.

[mykell]

hey megan,
what we wont do for our children,
seems things are pretty much out on the table so you might want to give this a try :
http://www.pflagcinci.org/
i go to a local TG geared support group and the facilitators are amazing,
very knowledgeable and personally know the resources that are available,
neewbies at mine are given a little priority and get more attention and after the meeting you can get advice also.
my son put me in the closet this past election so i think i can relate a little.

[michelleddg]

Hi Meghan, never heard of the tool, but if the cost of using it is zero why not try it out and see what happens? May lead nowhere, may provide you with useful insights, only one way to find out. BTW, I am totally sympathetic to you wanting to model this. I have often said I've reduced my life to rows and columns. Good luck! Hugs, Michelle

[Zooey]

Such charts and graphs are only useful when the data being plotted is both accurate and meaningful. Consider the things you intend to plot... Are they actually matters of identity, or are they matters of expression? I expect you'll find that they are predominantly, if not exclusively, matters of expression (filtered through your own preconceptions to boot).

If your child has a difference in preferred expression, then by all means let them be Gender Non-Conforming. If your child has a deep-seated issue with gender identity, e.g. transsexualism, then help them get the help they need... Counseling/therapy, and medical intervention when they're ready. Identity is not easily plotted, but it definitely has a way of exploding out of your core, whether you want it to or not. As grim as this is, you should feel glad that your child was willing/able to talk to you about this now (though I'm sure it was difficult for them), rather than dealing with the long-term consequences of deep repression of legitimate identity issues. Some of the possible consequences could have left you without a child.

Women (and men) come in all sorts of varieties, and just because a person is not what you consider to be stereotypically feminine does not necessarily mean they aren't a woman, although I can certainly understand the tendency to assume (human nature).

Just as a reminder...

Cisgender Man:

courtney_act.jpg

Cisgender Woman:

butch_woman.jpg

[Nikkilovesdresses]

My feeling is that once you start thinking about emotional matters in scientific terms, you only grow further detached from those feelings.

Never mind science - what does your gut tell you?

PS Having now read your responses to others, yes I think therapy could be very useful - not for you, but for your son- though it might be helpful to you too of course.

Right now I certainly don't think you should even contemplate encouraging him to start HRT, never mind aid him in doing it. He's nearly 21 - at that point he can make up his own mind, but even then nowhere is it engraved in stone that you have to enable him. He is plainly far from ready to make such a huge decision.

The mature course for you right now is to do nothing more than keep trying to get him to explore and own his own feelings before he goes off half-cocked... so to speak.

[Tracii G]

I agree in part with Nikki in her post he needs to explore who he is and what he is and get to a point of acceptance of himself.
The fact he says he "thinks" he is TG says to me he is not sure.
We all have had those questioning moments when we ask ourselves what the heck am I doing and why am I doing it?
If he has no outside feminine characteristics/mannerisms or interest of all things female then I have to question why is he saying he thinks he is TG.
Is it to be accepted my certain friends or to feel the attention of being part of a popular trend in society.

[Jenny22]

Meghan, your wife and son know about Meghan. Does your wife have any knowledge of your son's TG feelings?

He's 21. That's about all we know about him. If you will, please fill in a lot more of the / his blanks such as: college? his friends (any of them GID)? A girl friend? Has he revealed to any others? Organizations? Has he EVER CDed? Does he have any femme clothing, lingerie, makeup of his own? Might he be willing to CD with you? Does he have any specific feelings about Meghan? From what source did he get the knowledge of HRT? Is he easily influenced by others or by situations he is exposed to?

You get the idea. Share what you can. With more info about him, "we" may be able to offer more sage advice or thoughts.