I have posted a couple of times in this section before, but it has been awhile. After a couple of job losses and a move to a different state (other than catatonic or depressed), I finally took the advice a few people from on here gave me and started seeing a professional to talk about things. It took a few sessions but I finally decided to heck with it and presented in female mode for once and it was an AMAZING experience inside and out. Really made me feel so much better about even trying this path of transitioning.
I wonít say that I had this clichť of a light bulb that went off about just the idea of transitioning, but I ended up becoming very conscious of how I was talking, moving, formulating thoughts, and could pinpoint where the male mask said ďscrew it, let the girl handle this instead.Ē Itís made me think the last couple of days about general times Iíve done that and just how much itís not been a guy mode/girl mode thing that I kept trying to tell myself. Or maybe it is there but the male mode has just been a shield against external ďthreats.Ē
And then late last night I was talking to my best friend (herself GG) filling her in on the session in full Dani-mode. While the Out Loud Voice was carrying on with the story the Inside Voice had its own dialogue. Iíve known my friend for almost 2 decades now. We hit it off right away, watching the other go through goofy romantic entanglements, bad boyfriends, and terrible marriages and commiserating them once they finished. Iím convinced she bathes in virgin blood because she has barely aged this whole time and Iíve always adored her. Beautiful woman. Sheís the first person I talked about transitioning with and she was completely supportive if not gobsmacked I thought about it, at least at first. Now she says she understands so clues over the year better but I donít question her on it. But I digressÖ
So Inner Voice is thinking about this friendship and why it never took a detour into romantic entanglements like any red-blooded heterosexual guy would probably try with his hot female friend. And it dawned on female me that deep down I was looking at her as a type of subtle role model (not in her choice of boyfriends, though. We have to politely disagree on that one. Love ya, C!) for Dani because that was right around the time all the girl things I buried from childhood started popping back up. Remembering things I did, thought, wore (I still laugh that my favorite shorts I had at age4 or 5 were actually red Izod girls shorts. Go figure), got in trouble for. That male part that was shielding Dani for so maybe held on to the friendship like in the end he could make one relationship work outÖ and it just wasnít because it wasnít so much about a guy mode me/her friendship, at least not for a long time. Took her awhile to finally catch on why she kept calling me one of the girls when hanging out.
And it made Dani cry a little for him because it felt like another piece of me that Iíve been for so long slipping away, even if it is in favor of female me to have that kind of friendship. Then again, male mode did get in the way of Dani enjoying that not-actually-a-movie-date-but-she-sure-thought-it with that one boy when we were in third gradeÖ Itís like Iíve been my own big brother sometimes. Ugh! But I digressÖ
And that conversation felt like a first test after presenting as Dani at therapy. In that session I finally decided to make myself take a step forward I know I want but can always find excuses to stop myself. I finally told the therapist that I donít want to stay on this road of male mode me because it is a dead end and Iíd really rather avoid the black hole I fell into a year ago when my friend above and a well-timed dialogue from an anime show playing in the background saved me from never being able to post this here or anywhere, let alone anything else ever again. Plus, both my friend and therapist have been surprisingly complimentary toward my physical body in regards to pulling off a transition. The ego has given itself a high 5 on that. Now if I could just lose a bit of the love handles that have appeared recently >:/ But I digressÖ
So, without rambling on about smaller detail from that session and the talk with my friend where things started clicking to me, I told the therapist I want to transition and asked what the next step would be. I started feeling myself want to go drama queen about the length of time for this and that but decided to keep it in check. Since then I donít know if I feel like I have freed myself as much as shifted to more carefree mindset to how the outside world will see it. Thatís not to say I have blinders on to any of the pitfalls that come along with it, but I do feel that now my mind has already switched from worrying about reactions to realizing it is comes with the territory so surround yourself with proper support and keep your lightsaber replica nearby in case the Stormtroopers of the world show up on your doorstep (definitely a star wars geek girl. Even made my own slave girl costume out of pajamas when I was 7). Plus, I got these great ankle boots on sale and I really REALLY want to wear them out shopping in public now.
Not sure exactly yet when I get to start on any of the medications for this, but at least a professional now knows it is what I want, well, NEED to do to live right finally. But, and this makes me laugh, that is probably what concerns me the most: being patient about the process. Male me had an inordinate amount of patience for anything. Dani? Not so much, especially now after a lot of new-found confidence about this journey. If nothing else in terms of this section of the forum, this week has made me feel more like maybe I can post every now and then and not feel like some fraud because for one reason or another I hadnít even told a professional about my desire to live as Dani in public. Knowing me this post will still be longer than the next 7 or 8 posts I make. I can talk a good game until I see something shiny and then---oh my gawd I gotta get these shoes I just saw
But anyway, thanks for reading my monologue. Sorry it wasnít in iambic pentameter or such. Not that talented a writer
:::curtsies, exits stage left:::