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Thread: Coming out at work

  1. #1
    Cereal Killer Ashley in Virginia's Avatar
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    Coming out at work

    I'm planning on coming out at work this week. I'm kinda out already, I sat my boss down two weeks ago and told him. He was blindsided but very supportive. I need to come out to HR and get the ball rolling so I can go full time next month.

    My question is how did you do it? Should I email or call? I don't know any of the people I would be dealing with. I work as a store manager for a large retailer that sells cheap Chinese crap for a single price point. I'm hoping to get transferred to a different store in town, I work in a rough neighborhood now and I've heard alot of transphobic stuff for the last year and a half while growing my hair out. My boss has agreed to move me (he suggested it before I asked for it), hopefully HR does as well.

    What should I say? How much detail do they need? Any help is appreciated, I'm hoping to do this asap this week.
    If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.

  2. #2
    Silver Member BARBARA_MELENDEZ's Avatar
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    I talked personally with HR before talking with my boss, it went well but every situation is different , My company offer protections that go beyond of what the government cover.

  3. #3
    Aspiring Member Georgette_USA's Avatar
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    This link in the stickys may give you some ideas.

    http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...ussions-please

  4. #4
    Cereal Killer Ashley in Virginia's Avatar
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    I'm a derp from time to time. I figured that was just personal coming out stuff. Oops
    If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.

  5. #5
    Aspiring Member Georgette_USA's Avatar
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    When I came out to my company in 1976, NO real eMail yet. Large corporation maybe 25-50000 worldwide, talked to my boss first then he started the moving it up the chain. Went to local HR and talked it out. I made the decision to stay in place.

  6. #6
    between worlds... steftoday's Avatar
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    Good luck Ashley. I think I kinda know the area where you work, and I would get the hell out of there too.
    PM me when you get a chance?
    And Iím a long long way from your Hill of Calvary
    And Iím a long way from where I was and where I need to be
    If there is a light you canít always see
    And there is a world we canít always be
    If there is a kiss I stole from your mouth
    And there is a light, donít let it go out

  7. #7
    Cereal Killer Ashley in Virginia's Avatar
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    Quick update. I email hr a basic email stating my intentionto change my gender presentation and name effective mid February. (I've already changed my name legally, I'm just holding off on using it until I'm living full-time) I included no detail, and just asked them to contact me when they could.

    They sent a reply that they need time to research and figure out how to handle it on their end and they would respond when they could.

    Hopefully it goes ok from here
    If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.

  8. #8
    Senior Member Bria's Avatar
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    Good luck Ashley. It sounds like your HR people are at least willing to learn. You may need to guide them some. There are many stories on this forum about working with HR people. I would suggest that you research them so that you are prepared to head off any bad ideas.

    Hugs, Bria

  9. #9
    Reality Check Krisi's Avatar
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    I suggest talking to whoever needs to know in person if possible. If it's really not possible then a telephone call is second best. An email is a poor choice.

  10. #10
    Silver Member I Am Paula's Avatar
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    Email leaves a paper trail. A really good thing in this situation. Down the road, you cannot prove what was said FtF, or in a phone call. Save everything.

  11. #11
    Cereal Killer Ashley in Virginia's Avatar
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    Having a paper trail is kind of what my thought was. Unfortunately they have decided to do a conference call on tuesday to sort it out. So there goes my paper trail, Ha.

    What should I look out for and ask? Anything I should remember to ask about that yall can suggest?
    If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.

  12. #12
    Member jentay1367's Avatar
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    I'm not quite sure what you should ask, Ashley. Others with real life experience will be here soon I'm sure. Do put a recorder app on your phone and record the entirety of the meeting. It will avoid, he said...she said, down the road.
    Last edited by jentay1367; 01-13-2017 at 10:57 AM.

  13. #13
    Reality Check Krisi's Avatar
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    email is way too impersonal for something like this. One does not have to be a transsexual to know this, it's common sense. You sit down with the person and have a conversation. That way, the person can ask questions and both of you can read the body language and facial expressions of the other person.

    Would you email your wife to tell her you were transitioning and would be living as a woman starting next week? Your parents?

    Again, common sense. I would think everyone would know this.
    Last edited by Nigella; 01-13-2017 at 12:10 PM. Reason: You wanna stop pushing buttons.

  14. #14
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    Krisi has not said anything that is wrong, however, the wording could be better, such as "In my opinion ..."



  15. #15
    Cereal Killer Ashley in Virginia's Avatar
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    It's not "common sense". Every situation is different. My hr department head is several states away. I've never met this person and after this, I'll probably never deal with them again. I did sit down and tell my boss face to face. But to me, a discussion with hr is a much less personal intraction. I felt having a paper trail in case they tried to push me out or if things get weird would be the way to go.
    If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.

  16. #16
    Member jentay1367's Avatar
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    Now THAT, is common sense.

  17. #17
    Member Mirya's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Krisi View Post
    Would you email your wife to tell her you were transitioning and would be living as a woman starting next week? Your parents?

    Again, common sense. I would think everyone would know this.
    Actually yes. I emailed my parents to tell them that I'm transgender and transitioning (even though they live only an hour's drive away). And I'm glad I did, because if I told them in person it would have gone a LOT worse.

    And please stop using the term "common sense". It is most often used in a condescending and insulting manner, as you did in your post. We don't need that here.

  18. #18
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    I'm a Residential Officer at a state correctional at facility and I was a Peace Officer before that. I came out at work about two years ago. I'm fortunate in that my state has an anti-discrimination laws that include transgendered persons. Even so, those that have told you if it's not documented it didn't happen are 100% correct. A note book and a pen are the two most powerful tools an officer has. Get a note book and whenever you experience a situation your concerned about, make an entry in your diary. The entry should include the date, time and location of the incident, the name or names of whoever is causing the issue, the names of anyone present that witnessed the incident and a detailed a narrative of what occurred.

    I keep a small note book while at work and write notes as soon as I can after the incident. Don't be afraid to make entries even if your not sure they're relevant. For example, I heard my boss talk about back dating some inspection reports. Not directly relevant but, if needed, I can use that to discredit his honestly. I hope I never have to use my diary, but I've got if needed.

  19. #19
    Cereal Killer Ashley in Virginia's Avatar
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    So I had a conference call with HR last week. They didn't have much to say other than they are treating it as a HIPAA issue and I need to come up with a plan to tell my staff. They said that they have never dealt with it before, but suggested holding a store meeting and telling my employees at once.

    I'm not sure if they will move me to a new store or not... I did make it known i wasn't comfortable there, but it didn't seem to phase them.

    Right now, I'm looking at holding a meeting the first week of February. Then taking a couple of weeks off after Valentine's; I'm due a vacation anyways and I need a break.
    If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.

  20. #20
    Silver Member BARBARA_MELENDEZ's Avatar
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    Congrats on the update!

  21. #21
    Member jentay1367's Avatar
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    Gosh....l don't know why Ash, but I got a bad feeling about taking time off right now. You may want to reestablish and make sure your position is coalesced prior to bailing out for a couple of weeks. That just really sounds like it could go very badly. I'm sure others will have opinions that may be more informed. But I just wanted to say it kind of gives me a bad feeling. Really hoping I'm wrong....Lisa

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