Caught for a different reason

[Tiffany in heels]

Ssorry I didn't realize I posted something not allowed. I've edited my original post, I hope it's safe enough to discuss.

I've been Married for about 7 years. I love love love to dressing up. Full makeup, wig and heels. I think I'm semi passable. Well lately I've been dressing up more and more. I dress up, stay at home and have a night of fun for myself. I feel like it's just a sexual thing because I get so turned on when dressed. I don't like guys but I do like pleasing myself.

Well last year my wife saw some pictures of me dressed up. She was definitely freaked out by it and I never admitted that I like dressing up. I just said I didn't know why I did it. That was my biggest mistake and regret. I should have just come completely out with it. I didn't know there were others like me or others like yourselves with SO that are ok with it or at least in a Don't ask don't tell type situation. It bothered her for months but things kind of went back to normal. No one talked about it.

Lately I've been dressing up so much more. I got a PO box and have been buying so many things online. I don't mind going into stores to buy my stuff, I'm not scared. It's just that websites are so much cheaper and I can choose the heels I want without driving to Hollywood blvd (2 hour drive with traffic, 15 minute drive without traffic) which is also so much more expensive as it's a tourist area. Anyway... so the other night I had a fun night all night to myself. I got dressed up
And had fun with myself. I put everything away when I was done and went to bed...so I thought!

I left on the counter. Wife came home and immediately saw it on the counter. She freaked out and thought I was using it on some other girl while she was away. I didn't want her to think I was cheating so I came clean and said it was mine. She asked why I had it and I said I enjoy it on myself. She was horrified but didn't throw me out. I wanted to tell her about the dressing up but felt it was way too much at once.

What should I do. She's not going to be accepting of it, might be a don't ask situation but I feel I have to give it time about the dressing up even though she's seen me dressed. This whole thing has her very freaked out and I don't want to break the very thin ice. Should I wait, how long and why?

[donnalee]

What did you leave on the counter?

[Julie MA]

Hi, think through as many of her questions, and your answers, ahead of time. Then find a time to sit and talk. You need to clear up some things and give her a chance to ask questions. Julir

[Meghan4now]

Well,

Reading between the lines, and speculating on what was on the counter, I think this will be a bit tough. For most people, the first two questions from the spouse are "are you gay", and "do you want a sex change?" Now your answer to both may be no, but there is a good likelihood she won't believe you, especially if you left a toy about.

Right now you have some serious angst about all this and fear the confrontation. The best thing you can do is calm down and convince yourself this is not the end of the world. Think, what is the worst that can happen? Realize that even the worst thing probably does not include death or bodily harm. After that, you may have a storm of trouble, but you can live beyond that.

[phili]

Hi post, and welcome to Crossdresser Rescue!

Ok- we do know this is serious, and on the face of it, your wife must be pretty amazing to be able to question you a bit without being devastated with fear.shame, etc. It is worth remembering that wives often have a sense of who we are beyond what we say, and unspoken, colored by their own POV about marriage. , about the frailties of men, etc. The mystery of the drive to crossdress is a real liability for all of us, and its particularity for each of us becomes the issue for our SOs.

The bottom lines that seem to most commonly surface for SOs:
-are we going to stay married- i.e. are you cheating on me, are you gay, are you being the woman I'm supposed to be
-how are we ever going to explain this to anyone- and how bad is the punishment going to be for me, and our kids, and last, you [the crossdresser]
-I am not attracted to you when you are presenting as feminine- that's a big loss and I don't like it one bit

The lucky few have SOs that can make the jump. Others find DADT works well enough, considering the difficulty, and the DT responsibility is also 'Don't tell anyone who can hurt us'. Others just stay in the closet as a conscious choice to minimize risk and damage. Others split up and either find a better life or don't . This is by no means an easy gift/curse to have.

But you are among friends and there is a lot of experience here to read about to guide you in terms of options. Your understanding of your SO and your opportunities to connect is the key. Perhaps you both have been drifting along in semiformal marriage roles and this is a chance to renegotiate a better marriage. Even if that is so, I and others have found that there is a mountain range to cross trying to get past our SO's x years of gender role training and conformance, and the safety it provides.

[Tracii G]

Its best to be honest with your wife and you are lucky she hasn't tossed you out or made you sleep in the garage.
Lose the PO box because if she finds out about that you have lost the trust war and that is a huge thing.
You know her better than we do but I would say don't push it on her and give her time to ingest the information.
Let her ask the questions in her own time don't rush it.
But please don't lie to her about any of it when she asks.
Chances are you will want to lie and cover things up because its just what guys do when they are confronted about things like this.
Don't lie be open and honest she will appreciate that.

[oh to be rachel]

We had the weirdest conversation about it. There was "We've gotta talk about something!" type intro that could lead to "you need to clean the cat litter" or "I'm leaving you, we're getting a divorce!" conclusion. Scared to death.

Fortunately at my age, my wife now understands the need for a prostate orgasm vs penis orgasm. This could only be a good thing.

[Jenniferathome]

By not talking to her, you left her thinking that her husband is gay and wants sex with other men. THAT is most assuredly worse then explaining your re a cross dresser. Explaining the "thing on the counter" will be harder than explaining being a cross dresser.

Tell her everything. Tell it once. Make it brief and then let her digest it and ask questions.

[Stephanie47]

Aside from the women's clothing issue I think it is best sometimes to explore "bedroom play" together. Many men and women live a rather sheltered sexual life and initially are not open to exploring themselves. Frankly, many men and women are downright terrified of any stimulation in the anal area which may be an erogenous zone for many. If a person never talks about things that may be pleasurable to them, it ain't going to happen. Unfortunately, too many folks equate anal play for a man to be equal to gay sex. If she now understands the need for a prostrate orgasm maybe she'll be willing to assist you. I think you're really going to be walking a tight rope wanting anal stimulation and donning women's clothing. It will really take a loving wife to engage in both and enjoy making you happy. Maybe she has some fantasies too?

[Tiffany in heels]

Thank you everyone for your replies. Here's a quick update.

I was asked to leave although it wasn't a serious request. Took a couple days before she would even look or talk to me. She left the house to work and errands for those two days before she finally talked to me. Well we had a short talk and her first question was "are you gay?" And then said "maybe you're bi". I replied that I am neither which is true. She asked why I liked that and how long have i have enjoyed anal play. The conversation turned into what's normal to some is not for others.

After another day of silence, she hugged me and said she didn't want our marriage to end. She said she didn't like it one bit and never wanted to see anything like that. She said she didn't want our daughter to ever find anything like that. She brought up the cross dressing photos that she had found a year ago and said she didn't want to see any of that. She associated all of it as some kinky fetish that I enjoy and she doesn't want any part of it.

A little background on her is that she was molested as a child. She doesn't have a high sex drive because of it and thinks "weird" sex preferences might also be similar to pedofiles. I definitely assured her that there is nothing like that in my mind.

I honestly think one day she can get further than DADT because yesterday after our talk things have been great between us. I could have gone deeper about the cross dressing but it seemed she is pretty aware of it since she brought it up and said she didn't want any part of it. I'll tell her more about it one day because I feel she will bring it up when she's ready or I can bring it up when I feel the time is right for more information.

As for the PO box, I'll get rid of it and start ordering my stuff to arrive at home. Im hoping she will start seeing it, and put it aside for me without saying anything. I believe this because just last night I has some panties stashed in the bed sheets and she changed the bed sheets. I'm sure she saw them but didn't say anything and left them there.