Crossdressing impact on my life

[Karen's Secret]

Like many on this forum I started crossdressing early in life (pre teens) by wearing my sister's and my mother's clothes. I always did this while alone in the house and lived in fear of being discovered by someone coming home unexpectedly. My house as a child and teenager was my only safe place to dress and that has continued into adulthood. I'm 49 years old now, married with two children, but I still feel intensely private about my home and very rarely ever have anyone other than family come to my house. Although my wife has always known about my crossdressing, and really does not mind other than not wanting to see it, I still can only crossdress when alone in my home. I wonder if anyone else feels as if their crossdressing has made them into somewhat of a recluse where their home is really a very private place. I hope this makes sense. I guess the bottom line is I often feel like my house is my only place to be me.

[Maria 60]

At least for you its only the house, with myself it's also a part of my social life. My wife doesn't mind me dressing in front of her, but besides a few late night drives the home is also my fem prison. Because I starve for some alone time, I refuse to do social things with friends in fear that I may miss a opportunity to dress. This life is not all roses.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Karen, I have been in this program for over 69 of my 74years, I guess that it's just part of my life and it's who I am......

[SarahleeNH]

I too tend to protect my private time, during which I relax being myself dressed in very feminine clothing. There is nothing more calming and relaxing than sitting with a good book, a cup of tea or coffee, with classical guitar or light jazz humming in the background, while I read some posts from similarly 'afflicted' sisters This is the sweet spot of the day for me, and with all of your posts, i no longer feel so lonely. I wouldn't trade it for anything...

[andreanna]

Hi Karen, interesting that you started this thread. I was thinking almost the same thing lately. I admit that I also have become recluse. After being on the road for weeks on end (yes I do underdress then), it feels so good to be in a dress or skirt but I really have to get out of the house and do something or see friends. When you live alone I think this recluse living can come on very sneakily and you never realise it is happening.

[GretchenM]

Hi Karen,

Much the same way here and it has always been kept a secret from most everybody. My wife now knows and wasn't thrilled by the revelation and has no desire to see, meet, or get to know Gretchen. She is tolerant of it and semi-accepting, but she is far, far from one of my adult daughters who is my biggest fan and hates to see me so confined. She is a mental health therapist and often helps people that are much like Dad. I suppose my wife doesn't really get that she is well acquainted with Gretchen or perhaps she realizes that in some way but just doesn't want to see the expression. I understand it. Her greatest fear is that if I am out and about and come face to face with one of her or our friends it will go badly, mainly for her. I understand and respect that as well. Unfortunately, it puts me into a bit of a pickle. I would like to go out more in femme rather than just a little androgynous. The femme though has to pretty much stay behind the closed drapes. The going out dressed carries considerable risk because we have lived in this neighborhood for over 40 years and we are pretty well known and recognized. Doesn't make me feel real good, that is for sure, but I would much rather be this way than not be able to be Gretchen in person and expression at least some of the time when my wife is gone. Not engaging in the expression is not an option for me as it is for so many of us. Gretchen needs to see and fully be herself at least once in a while or things get really weird. The plus side is that I can be and usually am Gretchen whether dressed as her or not. Nobody can take that away from me. Is it a prison? In a way, yes it is. But it is still better to have something and be open about that than to be totally hidden as I was for about 65 years. Without that I am not sure I would have much motivation to live. You have to be whoever you are and if that is confined then that is better than trying to be somebody who you aren't just to keep up the false and dishonest image. In the end, that is impossibly difficult.

Gretchen

[Julie MA]

Karen, I think it's good you have a safe place to be you. I really don't have that, even in my own home. No time and no privacy. As for the reclusivity I think that stems from the limited acceptance we have in our lives and society. Also as I age I avoid drama and conflict. I long for the day when my home is the place where I have the least of both of these. Will I be alone at that point? Probably. Julie

[atxpantyboy]

I used to be very protective about keeping my femme clothes well-hidden, and I always hated hiding it. That was part of my motivation to come out to my friends as a CD and pansexual. I've offered several gfs carte blanche to go through my closet anytime they want if they're ever curious. I have friends stay in my guest room pretty frequently and several have stumbled across panties in the dryer, bikini bottoms hanging in the shower, etc. And I can leave all of my feminine lotions, body sprays, and lip gloss sitting out in my bathroom now and friends use my master bathroom all the time. Feels so great to live openly. That's a gift I gave myself that I wish I could give to every other crossdresser. Secrets are heavy. Lighten your emotional load if you can.

[CONSUELO]

Hello Karen and welcome to this wonderful place where you will find all sorts of support and encouragement.
I understand what you are telling us but I think you have inadvertently raised another important issue about the community of cross dressers. Not only do we seek the privacy of our home so that we can dress feely without fear of being discovered, I believe that as we go through life carrying this deep secret, we also become mentally or somewhat socially isolated. For most of us members, cross dressing is a deep part of us. I for one feel that it is an integral part of my personality yet I cannot reveal it. It has to be kept secret from the World. For example on one occasion I was visiting a very close friend with whom I share many many interests but who knows nothing about my transvestism. Also there was his sister who began to talk about her teenage son and his cross dressing. It was almost a cry for help from the poor woman but no body would discuss it, probably through simple ignorance, and I, who knew something and could have talked to her and reassured her, had to keep quiet because it would have been my "coming out " moment.

I have met a very few people with whom I have fully shared my "secret" and with them it was a cathartic moment as suddenly all of my deep needs, desires, fears and history came tumbling out. But most of the time I have to live with this "split personality".

Keeping such a deep and personal secret is hard and I think it extracts a toll on us all. That is one reason that this site is so important.

[Taylor186]

The first 51 years of my life--40+ crossdressing--were quite similar to what you describe in the OP (without the sister or kids). But as an Introvert I like and need a lot of quite time and that worked nicely with privately fulfilling my crossdressing desires. Then at 52 I joined a social/support group . . .

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Hi Karen, welcome to the forum.

I'm pretty reclusive too, but I don't equate that with crossdressing, it's just the way I am.

Do you think that childhood fear of being surprised at home while dressing up is what's caused your reclusiveness?

At least you have somewhere in the world to be you- plenty don't even have that.

[Micki_Finn]

Recluse but because I hate people in general, nothing to do with CDing.

[Johninabra]

I also find myself home alone a lot and it is largely because of my crossdressing. My wife knows and doesn't wish to see me dressed so I take every opportunity I can to be just me at home where I can be just me.

[audreyinalbany]

not exactly a recluse but probably not as sociable as I'd like to be. I'm not sure how much the crossdressing contributes to my not being out socially that much, but I DO feel like crossdressing takes time away from other things...probably more productive things...I could be doing. It's not a big problem, but it is somewhat of a concern.

[Kiersten]

There was a time when I was very reclusive. I always attributed that to a few factors, Cross-dressing and people in general, I don't hate people but sometimes I just can't be bothered.

[Karen's Secret]

Hi Karen, welcome to the forum.

Do you think that childhood fear of being surprised at home while dressing up is what's caused your reclusiveness?

Yes, I have no doubt my childhood is what caused my reclusiveness. My home is my only safe place and my fear of having someone come to the door while I'm dressed has carried over into my adult life. I can probably describe it better than I did in my original post by saying that I have intentionally created a situation in which I never invite anyone to my house and therefore no one comes to my house, even (especially) unannounced. I have built an intentional persona of being extremely private, but also sociable with my colleagues while at work, but only at work.

[lingerieLiz]

I think that sometimes we assume that others will not accept us. I was and sometimes still am. But, throughout life I have been accepted for who and what I am. I've been discovered repeatedly. No one seemed to care. Some encouraged me. I realize that society drives many of us to hide the desire so as not to be ostracized. Sometimes we build our own prisons. I can't tell you to be out, because, there are always chances that being out will be grievous to your career. I've been in that situation, but was lucky enough to have associated with people who could look past it. You may not be so lucky.

[sometimes_miss]

No one seemed to care.

Many make the mistake of assuming tolerance means acceptance. It does not.

[GretchenM]

Sometimes_Miss, you sure got that right. The difference can be huge. Among the few who know about my expressing my feminine identity, they are tolerant. That really doesn't take much effort. But only one, my therapist daughter, accepts it for what it is. Acceptance of such a behavior that fractures social expectations is really difficult for most because, I think, they focus on only the appearance and never go deeper to get to know the person who is appearing so "out of line." People in general tend to place so much emphasis on how something looks rather than how something is. Only way I have found around that is to show them the person first and then show the expression. I haven't run many experiments on that, but it seems to me if they can connect the appearance with a person they have connected with in their mind then they will be more willing to connect the two when both are present.

[Fiona123]

My experience is similar. I only dress at home and only when no one is about. I treasure those rare times. I'm not a recluse but at the same time being closeted & transgender is for me a solitary existence.

[Scarlett398]

Karen, my cross dressing story is so very close to your story. I started at a very early age. Same fear of someone coming home unexpectedly and catch me cross dressing. Fortunately, for me, that never happened. As noted earlier in my recent posts, my wife now has accepted cross dressing as being a necessary and important part of my life with my love for her being never ending. I love her so very much and I am so glad I don't have to hide my desires to cross dress while still keeping her number one in my life. I don't feel like a recluse as mentioned by quite a few in response to your important and relevant post. I do have to keep my dressing private at home but look forward to a couple of nights out to the movie theatre or the mall or both on the rare occasions when my wife is out of town. I wish I could be more public on a more regular basis but I'm just fine with the way things are now. I am a very social person dressed as a male but can't be so as Scarlett. I live in a very conservative area of the United States and amongst very conservative neighbors and I'm just fine with that....Gotta run, more to come later....Hugs from Scarlett

[nikinylons]

It brings a tremendous amount of balance and pleasure to our lives.

[sara66]

Karen,
I also share your story. Almost everything I did was so I could dress at home and not raise any suspicion. Always kept the curtains pulls, never wear shorts ect. I think it also prevented my dating, I did not get married until I was 39 and I only dated 1 other lady when I was 28. Still I don't think I would have changed things.
Sara

[JeanTG]

My wife and I are both reclusive. In her case because she works with the public all day and is sick of people when she gets home. In my case much the same, after a day of office politics, and pretending to be someone else (and I don't just mean hiding the crossdressing: in the corporate world it meant pretending to be a team player when I preferred to be a solo analyst, trying to be good at public speaking when I hated it, etc., because the modern workplace expectation is that we are all "outgoing, team players", and the fact that everyone is different be damned), I just couldn't stand to be with most people other than my wife after 5 pm, and how I happily work part-time from home.

[phili]

I am rebelling against the reclusive expectation for crossdressing! It is just crossdressing- not harmful, not perverted, not corrupting of oneself or others, and should be one less thing that people worry about. I figure every person who sees me out is going to comment to ten others, and it doesn't actually matter whether they like or approve, it just shows that it is, and nothing bad happens to anyone!