Results 1 to 24 of 24

Thread: Wife found out

  1. #1
    New Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2016
    Posts
    21

    Wife found out

    My wife found out by glancing at my phone and seeing some shoes I was looking at on a website. She is now very angry about the deceit and the fact I hid it from her.

    She does not think it is normal to wear shoes that are aimed at women. I have told her I will stop as we are married with a young son and I don't see any other option unless I want to lose her. She has found my stash before I was married and I had to purge these and has found online history before and I promised to stop.

    Think because I lied twice and carried on she is soooo angry.

    Not sure what to do any advice would be appreciated.

  2. #2
    ADMINISTRATOR Sandra's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Location
    UK
    Posts
    25,347
    Talk to her, sit down with her and tell her how you feel and that you can't stop. Ask her to listen to you and then answer her questions honestly don't reply with answers that you think she wants to hear.

    You could also see if she would join here and join us in FAB where she can chat with other wives/partners for help and support.
    Sandra
    Administrator

    I always used to rib you about your legs can't anymore. R.I.P Sexy Legs

    R.I.P Rianna

  3. #3
    Banned Read only
    Join Date
    Aug 2015
    Location
    South Dakota
    Posts
    633
    Advice? Stop lying. It's that simple. If dressing is so important to you then tell her and let the chips fall where they may. Otherwise stick to your word and stop.

  4. #4
    Banned Read only
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Posts
    6,335
    Stop lying? IT is what it is. Come clean. All of it. Tell it once, tell it completely and let her ask questions

  5. #5
    MIDI warrior princess Amy Fakley's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2012
    Location
    The South
    Posts
    2,047
    It probably wont be the last time. Sure, you feel awful about everything now, and you probably feel like its just a matter of determination and willpower and that if you just try hard enough you can both ignore this and it won't be a problem.

    Except that it will be a problem, because this is more than likely simply a property of who you are. By working so hard to suppress this, you will be steadily injuring yourself as surely as if you were hacking your own arm off in slow motion for years on end. Even if you are successful in this approach, don't think for a minute that you won't resent it, that you won't actually be impacted, because I tried this way for nearly 20 years, and it changed me in so many ways that I'm not proud of.

    Worse, you are setting the expectation woth your wife that this is how it SHOULD be handled ... through shame and supression and 'self control' ... Unless she's encountered someone who has this rare thing before, she probably doesn't know any better. That point of view would seem obviously correct ... and that also is setting both of you up for a lifetime of pain and suffering.

    She already knows about this, but not everything .... the only thing that can make it worse is her imagination running wild in the dark spaces she has no knowledge of. Tell her everything. Perhaps see a councellor together. Find a way to make your relationship work, where she knows everything about you, anything less isn't going to work at this point.

    Of course ....that's all my opinon, based on my own experiences ... I'm a stranger on the internet and your mileage may vary :-)
    "Why shouldn't art be pretty? There are enough unpleasant things in the world." -Pierre-Auguste Renoir

  6. #6
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Location
    The South
    Posts
    1,679
    Believe me, Jennifer is right. You have to tell all and come clean. You are not going to put this genii back in the bottle. You will purge and suppress and in a year or a few years you will be back to hiding your deep desire to cross dress and hiding your purchases and on and on. How do I know this? Because I have lived through it and if you go back and carefully read what others have said here over the years you will see the same pattern.

    Find a good therapist/counsellor and talk it out. Help her understand and then you can plan a way forward. Don't just retreat into the shadows.

  7. #7
    Aspiring Member Samantha_Smile's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Location
    Warrington UK
    Posts
    955
    Stop lying.
    Get therapy.
    You purged and it came back, it'll probably come back again.
    You need to work out what this all means to you. Is it just clothes? Are you seeking the full 'female look'?
    Is it deeper than the superficial?

    You need the answers to this as much as your wife does.
    For better or worse
    Samantha -x-

  8. #8
    Stop that, it's silly.... DIANEF's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2016
    Location
    TEHRAN
    Posts
    2,274
    It sounds to me that you have this need and it almost certainly won't go away, no matter how many purges and promises to stop you make. You could go without for a while, but it will be difficult and probably make you miserable. I could be wrong but I suspect your wife already knows this. Others have said talk, maybe therapy, I agree.
    Here today, gone tomorrow....

  9. #9
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Location
    Western Washington
    Posts
    14,301
    Quote Originally Posted by londonman111 View Post
    She has found my stash before I was married and I had to purge these and has found online history before and I promised to stop.
    Think because I lied twice and carried on she is soooo angry.
    The big mistake was getting married when this was obviously an issue before you tied the knot. You effectively boxed yourself into a corner. You really do not have any alternative than to have "the talk" and let the chips fall where they may. I will agree both of you need to go to counseling with a certified gender therapist. Your wife needs to be educated as to what a cross dresser is and is not. However, don't get further boxed into a corner by going to a counsel who may try to "cure you. A reasonable outcome may be "Don't Ask, Don't Tell."

  10. #10
    Silver Member ClosetED's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2012
    Posts
    3,017
    I can see how you felt you were not lying - you told her you would stop and you tried your best.
    THe issue may be that you are fooling yourself out of ignorance that this is something you can choose to stop doing. Read enough threads here - almost every one this large group has heard of returns to dressing. There was one who lived out all their desires with a supportive spouse, and then was able to stop. I tried to stop as well but finally told my wife (who knew and participated in my mild CDing for decades) that I could not live without it and so we went to DADT and my CDing became more intense.
    Advice - first know yourself and this condition. Read. Therapy. Try to get her informed. Then completely honest discussion.
    Hugs, Ellen

  11. #11
    Platinum Blonde member Ressie's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
    Location
    SW Michigan
    Posts
    3,762
    I have told her I will stop as we are married with a young son and I don't see any other option unless I want to lose her.
    Looks like you've commited yourself to quiting CDing this time. Good luck.
    "You're the only one to see the changes you take yourself through", Stevie Wonder

  12. #12
    New Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2016
    Posts
    21
    What is FAB?

    Issue is I don't know what the answer is as her opinion of a male who wears women things is not normal and she wants a man.

    [SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

    Quote Originally Posted by ClosetED View Post
    I can see how you felt you were not lying - you told her you would stop and you tried your best.
    THe issue may be that you are fooling yourself out of ignorance that this is something you can choose to stop doing. Read enough threads here - almost every one this large group has heard of returns to dressing. There was one who lived out all their desires with a supportive spouse, and then was able to stop. I tried to stop as well but finally told my wife (who knew and participated in my mild CDing for decades) that I could not live without it and so we went to DADT and my CDing became more intense.
    Advice - first know yourself and this condition. Read. Therapy. Try to get her informed. Then completely honest discussion.
    Hugs, Ellen
    What did not help my case is she saw a glimpse and I hid it then closed them and they were open under private browsing on my phone. If it was normal why would I hide it was something she said. I would love to know why I do it and who else out of my male friends do it. However not all of that is achievable;e.

  13. #13
    Gold Member JenniferR771's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    West Michigan
    Posts
    5,176
    Be honest. You lied because of her strong disapproval. And the disapproval of society in general. She would likely do the same in such a situation. Tell her you will try to quit, but crossdressing is a very powerful psychological force. And that 99 percent of us remain as crossdressers. Explain that quitting will make you tense, angry, resentful, furtive, and withdrawn. Explain that is how it is online.

  14. #14
    Gold Member Jaylyn's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2013
    Location
    Texas
    Posts
    7,444
    You definitely be sincere in what ever you tell her. No lies. It was hard for me to tell my wife but she suspected it already I found out. I didn't know how she would take it but I knew I loved her and she loved me. We together decided how far I wanted to go with it and it fits us very well. There is no hiding any feelings in a marriage situation if you want it to last. I've found truth usually makes the marriage greater, stronger and usually makes the love stronger. This is how it has worked in my case.

  15. #15
    Silver Member Tina_gm's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    Posts
    2,615
    I can only echo what others are saying. Stop lying. Stop going back on promises you don't keep. In order to ever gain acceptance, we must also be respectful. Lying and going back on your word is definitely not respectful. If she thinks you can stop, because you say you will. Then she will never understand and never accept any of it.

  16. #16
    Aspiring Member Joni T's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
    Location
    The OC
    Posts
    746
    You blew it by not being up front with her from the git-go. Now she wonders, and rightfully so, what else are you hiding from her? It takes a L-O-N-G time to regain trust, if ever. Without trust, the relationship will not last.
    Jon

  17. #17
    Gold Member Read only Rachael Leigh's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    Location
    Dallas Ft Worth metro
    Posts
    5,589
    As others have said stop the lying come clean with how you feel and what this is for you.
    This will not be easy by any means. Going to counseling is also very important for both of you.
    This is a very difficult issue for our wives and you need to allow her her feelings

  18. #18
    Silver Member ClosetED's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2012
    Posts
    3,017
    FAB = Female At Birth. Section on this site for people born female. Usually significant others of members here, where they can discuss the issues they face.

    You are a man, as defined by XY chromosomes. So what she may mean is that she wants a person that fits her definition of a 'man'.

    So which 'manly' qualities does she want? (Yes this is stereotyping) - Belch, fart, watch endless sports while drinking beer in your man-cave with buddies, hang out in bars with buddies, have mistresses, buy a sports car and adore it, spend ever hour you can playing golf, be rude, never help with any household chore not involving a power tool?

    Some women might say yes, even to those, they hate CDing so much.

    I view it as our wives fell in love with us, partially since our being in touch with our feminine side made us better people / better husbands. Now they want the touchy freely person but also macho man.

    You hid the website to spare her what you already knew she did not want to see. Yes, it is not 'normal', but it is not evil. A Don't Ask Don't Tell situation is a request of wife to lie to her, for her own sake. Not good, but many chose that.

    Learn about yourself. Therapy is one way to have both learn.
    Hugs, Ellen

  19. #19
    Senior Member Abbey11's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2013
    Location
    Berkshire UK
    Posts
    1,075
    I would think you need to have THE talk, let her know what it means to you and then be open and honest with her questions. The desire to dress won't go away by promising not to do it, you'll probably just get more frustrated, and purging, I have as have many here, is no solution just a waste of money as you'll want to buy more later

    Good luck with finding a solution that is right for you
    OMG!! Owning my femininity .... and I LOVE it!

  20. #20
    Senior Member Ally 2112's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
    Location
    canada
    Posts
    1,307
    Like most have said stop lying. Some wife's just seem to have that sense my x did and it seems like yours does.It may not be the cross dressing that ends the marriage it will be the lying .Hope for the best whatever decsion you make
    I have a hubcap diamond star halo

  21. #21
    Silver Member Micki_Finn's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2016
    Location
    Southern California
    Posts
    3,630
    I would disagree that DADT is a wife asking to be lied to. Choosing ignorance of a subject is not the same as asking for deceit.

  22. #22
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2016
    Location
    United Kingdom
    Posts
    36
    In any situation in life lying does not solve but only creates problems. Telling the truth is always the best way forward.

  23. #23
    Member mona lisa's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2006
    Location
    Stamford, CT
    Posts
    188
    Quote Originally Posted by Micki_Finn View Post
    I would disagree that DADT is a wife asking to be lied to. Choosing ignorance of a subject is not the same as asking for deceit.
    What Micki said.

  24. #24
    New Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2016
    Posts
    21
    Thanks for everyone's comments, not much has currently moved on she is still angry with me. I agree that the lying is what has caused the issue, just wish I had done things differently all I can do is hope that we can get past this.

    Not sure why I am like this and like women's shoes so much.

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  


Check out these other hot web properties:
Catholic Personals | Jewish Personals | Millionaire Personals | Unsigned Artists | Crossdressing Relationship
BBW Personals | Latino Personals | Black Personals | Crossdresser Chat | Crossdressing QA
Biker Personals | CD Relationship | Crossdressing Dating | FTM Relationship | Dating | TG Relationship


The crossdressing community is one that needs to stick together and continue to be there for each other for whatever one needs.
We are always trying to improve the forum to better serve the crossdresser in all of us.

Browse Crossdressers By State