Im so sick and tired.

[Louise DK]

Im so sick and tired of being me sometimes.
I live in a fairly accepting country, the danish people as a whole, is actually quite relaxed with the whole LGBTQ movement.
But Im sick and tired of being raised to believe that being effeminate sometimes, is wrong. It's so deeply engrained with me, that even in these times when its really no big deal, and Im out to my wife, who dont mind at all. I still cant bring myself to ask for help, tell her that I would like to dress up today, ask an SA for help with the what where and how with makeup. Or go in to a shop and ask for help, try on clothes or shoes ect. Hell I dont even dare to look at a dress in a window, caused that should not hold any interest to a man.
Even though I know All these things are OK. I still feel it's a violation of some sort.
And it makes me sad, frustrated and it stresses me out, that Im just not allowed to feel relaxed with myself. And the one not giving permission is me, and All of this because of some stupid oldfashioned social conditioning.

Yesterday I wanted to buy some makeup. I do have Lots of makeup, but my eyeshadow is not very good. So I wanted to buy a new pallette, and ask for advise, so that I would get what was right for me.... You know what? I ended up buying a lipstick.! Oh well I wanted the lipstick, but I just couldent bring myself to ask the SA about the eyeshadow. I could barely manage to ask her to find the lipstick for me.

Im a decent person. Im pulling my weight and then some, Im a good husband and father and Im easy going.
From an objective perspective, I did everything right with the whole crossdressing thing. I've been at it on and off since I was 6 and stopped completely for 9 years when I met my wife. Then about a year and a half ago, when the stress levels of my life became unbearable. Due to the birth of my daughter, and the death of my father, I was litterally being torn apart with happyness and sadness at the same time. The "pink fog" came rolling in Strong, so before I did anything else, I Manned up and told My wife the one thing noone Else had ever known about me. Fortunatly she took it well, and accepted it right away... But I still feel bad about it. I cant bring myself to talk about it, everything inside me screams stop. So I wait till she asks a question, or asks if it is time to dress up again.
And it hurts so much not being able to express ones feelings, without getting All tonguetied and awkard.
Thats how toxic the traditional upbringing can be for people like us.

Anyway Im probably rambling. Im just a little sad, and I had to get it out.

Louise

[Lana Mae]

Sounds like you might need some to see a councellor! They might be able to help you get over the guilt and sadness. IMHO Best wishes going forward! Hugs Lana Mae PS: Be sure they are transgender friendly!

[Nikki A.]

Louise I can sympathize and can feel your pain. However the biggest enemy we have is usually ourselves. Talk to your wife, don't be ashamed of who you are.
As far as shopping goes, you are doing nothing wrong, your money is as good as everyone's else and believe me you will not be the first male shopping for make up. Sales people are there to sell, not judge.

[JeanTG]

Ditto on the counseling. I've often felt much as you do. Always have in fact. Now I'm trying to "own it" and "embrace it". It's not going to go away. Ever. So I may as well enjoy it. After years of messing about with a borrowed skirt here, a borrowed bra there, I "manned up" and started building my own wardrobe. I too live in an LGBQT-friendly part of Canada. So I called a store that catered to "plus" sizes, and was told I was welcome with open arms. Went in, got fit for a bra that finally fit, a couple of dresses, some tops and a pair of shoes (wedges). Then a return for another dress and some jeans and more tops, then to another store where I was also welcomed warmly, for another dress, some leggins, skirt, blouse, blazer, etc. I buy my own lingerie now that I know my sizes, without a blink, in lingerie shops and department stores. I buy my own makeup and ask for advice. I recently bought a wig and breast forms, and am slowly adding to my wardrobe as budget allows. I also informed my wife, before we were married. It's DADT except for underwear, but it's honest, and she knows it happens.

My own counselor says it was important for me to find balance and be able to express my feminine side. She recognizes that my gender identity issues won't go away, and keeping Jean bottled up inside leads to anger and frustration and causes more damage in my personal relationships than letting her loose in a controlled manner that doesn't burn bridges or cause damage along the way. But I do hope to fully come out at some point, and go "public".

Of all the kinks and afflictions one could have, this one doesn't prevent us from functioning at a high level in society, and doesn't do anywhere near as much damage as alcohol, drugs, adultery, and other darker sexual perversions. We all have our crosses to bear, and I'm trying, with some success, to convince myself that this particular one is far from the heaviest!

[Kandi Robbins]

Louise,

Been where you are. Understand what you are going through. Listen, just like when an addict hits rock bottom in order to begin their recovery, you have to get to the point in your life where you accept that it's alright to be happy yourself. I am sure you've spent your entire life making others happy, providing for others, being a husband father, son, brother, etc.... I was dumb enough to let this all eat at me for almost 50 years before the light bulb finally went on for me.

At some point in your life you should reach the point where you don't care what other people think of you (outside of your family and those you value), while still fulfilling your responsibilities, you realize it's alright to make yourself happy. I finally reached that point in my life, and now I truly glow with happiness because I know that there is nothing wrong with my dressing, there is nothing wrong with me, I am a very good person and I deserve happiness just like those I work to help to be happy. We all have societal "regulations" ingrained in us. But the simple truth of the matter....it's just clothes, it's just makeup. You are a human being, deserving of health, happiness and love.

It's easier said than done, but you have to step outside your own head.

You say your wife has accepted it. As someone also with an accepting wife, that is the key to freedom from guilt. Run with it!

I hope and wish for the best for you.

Kandi

[Tracii G]

You need help accepting yourself that is obvious.
See a therapist that deals with CDers.

[Gabriella111]

I'm sorry you're going through this, Louise. Society has a way of trying to neatly divide its people. Men and women, male and female... but it's not that simple. We're finally starting to gain a better understanding of gender and with time (almost certainly too much time), society will open up and be more accepting. In the meantime, do try to squash any creeping self-loathing. This is just who you are, and you're beautiful, and your wife loves you. There is much to be grateful for. Don't lose sight of those things!

[TheHiddenMe]

Sometimes when we get out of our own way, crazy things happen for the good.

I wanted to have a day of having a makeover and trying on dresses, so I screwed up my courage, made an appointment with Sephora for the makeover and talked to a sales agent at Nordstrom about coming in dressed and trying on dresses (did this about five days in advance). The day before I bit the bullet and went into a local beauty store and had my nails done, out in the open, in guy mode. The nail tech was great, and I explained what I was doing, and she was jealous. The makeup artist at Sephora walked me through the process of the makeover so I could take notes. And the sales agents (a/k/a sales angels) at Nordstrom could not have been nicer. They loved having me come in and told me I could come anytime (and I've been back about five times since then).

I read an article about "retail hell" and it started to make sense why they like having me come in. They deal with crabby customers a lot of the them, so when someone comes in and truly appreciates what the sales agent does, it makes them feel good. I'm still surprised when they tell me things like they like me coming in, but I've learned to accept it as true (and try not to take too much advantage of their
friendliness).

So sometimes when we open up, it turns out a whole lot better than we could ever expect. It did for me. Sometime the only thing we have to fear is fear itself....

[Stephanie Julianna]

Everything you said here I have been through. The periods of not loving myself and then think others didn't love me. The fear that if anyone found out I would be mocked or ridiculed by family and friends. Then something happened in my early 30's. I just decided to love myselfas God made me. Like you, I had never known a day that I was not drawn to wanting to be feminine and pretty things. When I realized that this was not something WRONG with me and just how I was made I started to accept and love myself. The thing I have had to control over the years is not to love myself so much that I shut out or not see the love in others. There is always a balance. And they are not bad people if they do not understand. How could they unless they were wired the same way. It sounds like your wife is open-minded and wants to understand. Let her. Let others love you and start to love yourself. You are worth it.

[sometimes_miss]

Louise, I can relate. Many of us worry about how other people think of us. I developed a little technique a while back, that I use whenever something that comes up bothers me. I repeat over and over, 'I don't care'; I close my eyes, and say it like a mantra. I....don't....care. I....don't....care. I....don't....care. It keeps my blood pressure down at work a lot. If you don't like the I....don't....care, perhaps Bobby McFerrin can help you more than I can: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d-diB65scQU

[Fiona123]

Louise I also can relate. I find it impossible to talk to my wife about my dressing, yet I know how important that is. Reading your post though it seems like you have done a good deal of work coming to grips with your dressing. I hope it all works out.

[Louise DK]

Thank you All for your encouraging and kind answers.
I did actually had some councelling last year, and while it helped me some. It didnt help me with the guilt I feel towards My wife, for not telling her from the beginning of our relationship. But how could I, I didnt even admit to myself who I am at that time, and thought a relationship would shure cure me.

Anyway things are Better now.
A couple of Days after I started this thread, I grabbed the bull by the horns and went in to a Department store and asked for help selecting some makeup. The SA was plesant and I got All the help I wanted. She asked if she should giftwrap the Items, I answered No its for me, and she didnt Miss a beat. IT was a nice experience, and IT put me at ease somehow.

A while back I joined a union for trans people. Yes I did say union. We have unions for everything here in Denmark. Anyway, on feburary the 4. I went out fully dressed to a meeting in the union. Everything went well, and I had a wonderfull time. The weekend after I did it again. This time I parked about half a mile away from where the meeting took place, so I could enjoy a nice evening stroll through the city. I absolutly do not pass, but noone did a double take that I noticed. Im ever so slowly building Up some confidence and thats a nice thing. I enjoyed my evening stroll very much.

This was the first time ever that Ive been outside og my house. Sometimes you just Nees to be a big girl and go for IT.

[Teresa]

Louise,
The good part is your wife knows and accepts, the problem is you don't. I wonder if you sit down calmly and write down how your CDing started, what it means to you and where you would like to go with it. Don't hold back with all those guilt feelings be honest with yourself . Once it's written down it's out of your head and in the open maybe you could go through it with your wife . These are all stages of acceptance, it's taken me so long to realise all those things you fear , what other people think won't change what's inside your head . A counsellor worked hard on me to stop working on assumptions because my brain was going round in circles.

As for getting out and buying your things, don't stress yourself over it, OK you haven't got some eyeshadow that will keep till another day . One day you will bite the bullet like I did and walk into the shop and calmly ask advice with makeup. I did it because I finally made the decision to go out socially. I will say that is a big turning point, meeting others is a great leveler, all those fears disappear. You're not alone, there are others going through transition, it's good to talk to them to get a perspective on your own situation, and basically it's fun, it brings meaning to your CDing.

Keep taking those small steps forward and tell yourself that wasn't so bad, the World didn't end , no one is really that bothered . You look good in your picture, so you feel effeminate , that's fine because you're like most of us you were born with that trait and there's nothing you can do about it.