First joint therapy session

[Elizabeth G]

Hello all,

My wife found out about my dressing in a less than ideal manner about three months ago. I posted about it at the time so I won't rehash it here. Since then we have been working out way through things VERY slowly.

In December I began to see a therapist (this was my decision) not in hopes of being "cured" but to help open up a dialogue with my wife about my crossdressing. To date we have discussed it some, but not nearly enough, with it being the elephant in the room on many occasions.

After my initial visits I felt comfortable with the therapist and asked my wife if she would be willing to join me. She agreed but with some reluctance, as she felt it would likely be nothing more than a preaching session with her being put on the defensive.

Well on Friday we went to our first joint session and without getting into detail, we both left feeling that it was a good and productive meeting and we will have another in a few weeks.

I know I haven't said much here but I really think the therapy process is helping to open up communication for my wife and I, and my wife, who is otherwise open minded, is becoming more accepting of our situation. I'm very hopeful for our future.

Thanks for indulging me,

Beth

[Pat]

That's awesome, Beth! Silence is completely toxic to relationships so it's great to hear that you guys may have found a way to communicate. I was at a conference this weekend where I met married couples where the husband crossdressed, who had been together for decades -- it was pretty cool just to know they're in the world. That road can be walked.

[Gabriella111]

That's is wonderful, Beth. I hope she continues to gain understanding and comes around to greater acceptance! Please do keep us updated!

[sweetdreams]

I've been to a few therapist's (with and without the wife) over the years. Had good ones and bad ones.

Some seem to get a sense of where you might want to go and then they slant things in that direction. The better ones ask mind expanding (open ended) questions helping you to think through a problem and cover some ideas you might not have thought of.

I understand your wife's reluctance. My wife needed someone to talk to about my CDing. Found a female therapist who seemed to have a chip on her shoulder toward CDing. Mind you I was hearing this from the wife who wasn't a CD fan back then. Might have been some filtering going on. The sessions seemed to be a little less than balanced.

Anything that opens up communication is good.

I think the only real idea I can offer is: The therapist is there to help you work through some issues. If they start driving the bus too much in one direction be careful. Don't take what the therapist says as the gospel just because they are "training professionals". There are good and bad therapists as in any profession. You should feel free to question anything being said and evaluate it. Therapy sessions are places you can throw ideas around, have a sounding board, and hopefully find things that resonate with you. Ultimately it should lead to greater self-understanding, and with your wife there a greater understanding of both of you and the relationship.

It sounds like you are having some good sessions. Best wishes for both of you.

[Melissa in SE Tn]

Beth, for personal reasons, I hope that you can keep this thread alive & update us as to your therapy progress. I would love to hear your take on your wife's journey through therapy & how it relates to her understanding / acceptance of Beth. Thanks for posting... peace, mel

[WandaRae2009]

I can also confirmation. A joint session saved my marriage. The explanations from an independent third party, supported what I tried to explain. The face to face conversations provided much more than reading things on the internet. I hope that things continue to improve for you.

[Karen RHT]

Having well founded reason/s to believe our wants and needs will be fulfilled, usually brightens our outlook on life. Good to hear you're hopeful for your future Beth.


Karen

[Micki_Finn]

Congrats. You are doing it 100% right. Glad the SO was willing to make that leap and join you.

[Aunt Kelly]

It sounds like you found a good therapist, Beth. The good ones already know that it's almost a given that the SO will either be looking for help to "fix" her partner, or be on the defensive about being seen as the one that needs to be fixed. They have training, and hopefully, long experience in navigating such minefields.

[Katya@]

My wife and I started going to couple's counseling at the end of last year to get some help with working things out in our marriage. It didn't have anything to do with my CD as we have other difficulties and my CD is an "added bonus" on top of it. However, it was clear that your need a solid foundation before you can address CD'ing. I mentioned about my CD on a first or second session and only this week we spent a whole hour on this topic. I am personally very delighted about the opportunity to talk about it, and listen to my wife's answers to therapists questions. In the past, it was difficult to have a calm and productive conversation about it at home, let alone for one hour. It fees like we are finding a way now finally on how to have those conversation between two of us, on our own without a counselor. Sometimes even opening a dialog is not trivial so therapy can definitely help!

[Elizabeth G]

Thanks everyone for the input. I found it interesting and telling during the session that two of my wife's big concerns aside from how things affect her are for my safety and my feelings if I'm out presenting as female.

I will let you all know how things go as this progresses.

Thanks again,

Beth

[Julie MA]

Elizabeth, great to hear it is going well. My wife and I have our first joint counseling session. Julie

[Rogina B]

I found it interesting and telling during the session that two of my wife's big concerns aside from how things affect her are for my safety and my feelings if I'm out presenting as female.

Of course it is a concern of hers ! But,as a displaced New Englander, I can tell her that your area is very safe ! Not sure where you are but I perhaps you can talk her into attending a day at First Event next year and she will see the bigger picture.

[Sometimes Steffi]

I have been in more therapy than I can count.

When my my found out, and not in the best way, she told me I needed to get fixed. She talked to our minister, who probably saved our marriage, by telling her that CDing is no big deal. He referred us to a pastoral counselor.

We saw him, me alone, her alone, and both together, for about 6 months. He helped us communicate better, but even he seems to shy away from talking about "the elephant in the room" at our joint meetings. I got the feeling that he was uncomfortable talking about it, I asked at one of our me sessions if I could come in dressed, and he discouraged it. We eventually agreed to stop seeing him as he wasn't helping with the real problem.

Then I stated going to a therapist alone, not to get cured, but to understand and accept myself. I did eventually accept myself after about 2 years. I did go to a few sessions dressed, which she neither encouraged, nor discouraged, but used them as a talking point.

My wife recommended that I see a therapist that she knew. She was basically a quack, but she was actually excited when I cam in dressed. That became the driving force, because I got dressed for every session in a different outfit every week, even including a miniskirt. I only saw her for about 2 months, because she was only helping in that I got to dress. At the very first session, she decided that I was gay, but it was OK to be gay.

After a while I started seeing another therapist with the hope that I could eventually find a way to help my wife become more accepting. I believe that she was a Lesbian, and going back to work because she was separated or divorced. I had a lot of great talks with her, and,, many times went dressed. My wife eventually came to several sessions, and some of them got very argumentative. I was very happy where I was, but my wife stopped, and I did shortly after. I also picked up some cool style ideas from her, like over the knee socks.

Later on, my wife started seeing a different pastoral counselor. I had told my wife wife that I would come anytime she wanted. We did have a joint session, and I went once alone. I dressed up that time, and the counselor was kind of shocked at first, but warmed up quickly. I think she was most surprised that Steffi was a different personality than me, but I think she was mostly reacting to my comportment: Somewhat demure, knees together, hands folded on my lap. My wife stopped seeing her, mostly due to time constraints. I'm disappointed in that, because this counselor was open to my "lifestyle", and may have had some sway on my wife's attitude.

In summary, it's been almost 10 years since my wife's discovery, and we're still DADT. I do go out once or twice a month, and I go to Keystone annually, but that's as much as she wants to know. She has never even seen a pic of Steffi, never mind Steffi in person. I typically dress for events outside the house, even if that means changing in the car and using a dashboard vanity.

[JocelynJames]

That's awesome Beth. So there's a definitely maybe for a meet up with in the future!

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Beth, That sounds encouraging I wish you and yourWIFE all the best......

[Beverley Sims]

Elizabeth,
Just remember that any therapy session is about helping both of you understand each other.

In this it does help a wife understand you more and hopefully break down barriers.

It is not just a progression of getting your wife to understand you and tolerate what you do.

Maybe you get to understand your wife's point of view also.

[Lana Mae]

Sounds great! Hoping it helps both of you! Keep us advised. Hugs Lana Mae

[Elizabeth G]

Hi All,

My wife and I just had our second session and again it went well. Things continue to progress very slowly but two of the more important things from this session were:

1. When my wife first found out about my crossdressing she was very concerned about progression towards transitioning which I tried to assure her was not on my radar. At this session she stated that she feels "about 92% confident" that I won't decide to transition.

2. The therapist was discussing willpower and how people generally have a limited amount (for example one shouldn't try to quit smoking and drinking at the same time). Recent health issues have forced me to alter my diet rather drastically which coincided with my recent heightened interest in dressing. She theorized that the extra willpower required to keep me on a better dietary path may have resulted in a lower ability to resist dressing. My wife's response to this was "we'll we certainly can't have him go back to his old diet".

She still has serious reservations and concerns and doesn't want to see me dressed, but I don't see divorce in my future and in fact I'm beginning to think or relationship may actually get stronger.

We are now entering a negotiation phase and I know I need to walk a rather fine line between advocating for myself and pushing too hard too fast.

Thanks for listening!

Beth

[JocelynJames]

Hi Chris/Elizabeth- such great news!

[Pat]

Beth -- great news! Hopefully you can arrive at a good place together. As far as negotiating, remember you have to come out of it with terms you can actually live by. It's not doing either of you any favors if you agree to a deal you can't keep. And even though that willpower thing seems like a pretty thin rationalization to me, don't go back to that old diet...

[Teri Ray]

Best wishes Beth. Sounds that talking with your wife has been a positive. It certainly has been for me and my wife. Hoping that you guys find the right path forward.

[Leelou]

Thanks for the update, Beth!

I'm so glad things are going well. I think you are spot-on in being careful to balance the negotiation phase. But I'd tend to err on the side of taking it slow and not pushing too hard too fast.

Thanks again for the update, I know many of us enjoy hearing about couples successfully dealing with the issue and how they're doing it.