I managed to find a therapist, and she and I have had four sessions so far. I think we've worked through a lot of the concerns about my eventual transition.
My fiancee is sometimes scared for me, as in, "what would happen if someone tried to attack you?" I'm still fairly imposing as a woman, being 6'2" before the heels, and hopefully wouldn't make an appetizing target.
She definitely doesn't want me having surgery. I'm still undecided about that myself, so it's a question I don't have to face, yet.
How would I react if someone blatantly misgendered me? I had that happen once, and I think the look I gave the guy dissuaded him from his line of inquiry. The point is, though, I didn't suddenly feel like running home and hiding; I shrugged it off and carried on with what I was doing.
Can I handle going to places that are not "safe spaces" for trans women? Certainly; I routinely go to the grocery store as Amy, for instance. (And not the local one that everyone calls "Queen Soopers," known to be frequented by the LGBT community, either! I'm not even sure where that particular store is.) I've been to Walmarts, shopping malls, Walgreens, Dollar Tree, Ulta Beauty, gift shops, restaurants, almost anyplace you'd expect a woman to go. One place I haven't visited as Amy is Micro Center...but I don't anticipate that would be a problem.
Can I present more like an ordinary woman on a daily basis, not as made up as I might be for a party or event in the evening? Well, I convinced her that I do know the difference between "day" and "evening" makeup...but I'm conducting further experiments along those lines. The initial results are over in a thread in the Picture & Video Gallery.
With a lot of this settled in my own mind, I have an appointment for next week, to be evaluated for HRT. I know the kind of things it might do for me and to me, but I don't know exactly what it will do for me, and whether it will be right for me. But I have to know.
If you remember the scene in C.S. Lewis' The Magician's Nephew, where Digory is standing in the hall full of statues in Charn? There's that little bell and hammer there, and the placard that reads:
I'm standing in front of that bell, right now. If I don't try it, I'll always be wondering "what might have been."Make your choice, adventurous stranger:
Strike the bell and bide the danger,
Or wonder, till it drives you mad,
What would have followed if you had.
And so I move one step closer to transition...but, even as I do, I look back at all that I've accomplished up till now, and I can only say, "Oh wow."
- Amy