I feel like I'm falling apart..My wife talked with our pastor, and I've been told by him that there is no place in the world for Joan. Also I don't know if my wife will let me dress even androgynous at all, let alone as Joan. I need to find a happy medium, but I don't know if there is one. I feeling desperate right now.
Then she asked me how I felt about her, the other week. I might have said something here? Well, my love has changed into more like a sister. So I'm dealing with the change in her from telling her that. Honestly I want to be with her but not sexual with her. I cant be sexual without help, and then it's just not full filling. Our relationship has changed so much that last two months, it's starting to make my head spin. I'm beginning to understand why my wife has been acting the way she has.
She hardly shares the bed with me any more. Most of the time she gets in bed after I leave. I go to bed, and she stays up and falls asleep on the couch.
I feel more pain than I have in a while. Was repressing Joan better for me and my family than letting her out? I don't know, I do know that she is out and she is in pain a lot. So is John though. I've got to figure this out, or I feel like I'm going to implode.
It has been a struggle to wear my wedding band the last two days. Only my feminine ring that's the only ring I've got on. I have been wearing both, but after the talk with the pastor, and my wife. I can barely wear it.
We go on vacation to Florida tomorrow night, I know I should be happy. I'm miserable. I just want to crawl into a hole and .. .... I don't know. ... ....
