Preparing to be outed

[alwayshave]

I have been in a long term relationship (11 years), thought I was going to be married, however my SO's alcoholism has put a damper on that. Her drinking had been an issue for a while, came to a head Thanksgiving day when I went out for a bike ride and when I came back 1.5 hours later she was drunk at 11:30AM. We were supposed to leave in 45 minutes to go to her sisters. Spent that time trying to sober her up. When we returned from dinner I told her she had until January 15th to go to rehab or we were through. I know she thought I would back down but I did not. The closer it got to D-day the nastier she got. She entered rehab on January 12th.

During the two months of bickering about rehab, the elephant in the closet finally came out to play. She stated that asking her to stop drinking was no different than her asking me to stop dressing. I stated that for the most part I had stopped as her daughter had moved in with us and my only opportunity was during a short period she had gone to Miami and that my dressing was not causing any physical issues.

Faced with this she finally blurted out, that I if I made her go rehab she would out me to my friends and family. While internally angry I kept my cool and walked away. This comment has been nagging at me for about a month. Not a day has gone by where I have not thought about it.

Yesterday, I went to a meeting with her and her counselor at rehab. She basically stated that she was not an alcoholic, she just need to cut down. I stated that just cutting down was not why she went to rehab and that if she continued to drink we were done. Well, she made the threat again. I know she means it.

I realize the end of a relationship is not easy place. At this time I'm not sure if I'm more sad about the possible end of the relationship or angry about being threatened.

I am taking stock of how this may affect me. My business partners, I really don't care, I can leave and start my own firm, but I don't really think they would care. My friends are as liberal as they come except one, and even he wouldn't care, he'd gossip, but wouldn't care. My children, no relationship, so don't care. My siblings, the only one who would care I have very little contact with. My mother knows. My father is the only person who she could tell where it would potentially hurt me. My dad is very accepting, I'm just not sure if he would accept it in me. His opinion really matters to me. He's 87, truthfully, I just don't want him to have to deal.

I have resigned myself to it happening. I just wish it would not.

[Laura912]

This will not be easy...kind of an understatement. You might benefit from joining the spouses and significant others group associated with AON just to help you get through all the turmoil. She needs to reach the acceptance of what she is before she can deal with it. Is her daughter any help?

[mykell]

this is just a thought, do it on your terms, threat removed and void, that may or may not wake her up the reality of your relationship coming to an end.....or not.
im gathering that you love this person and want to help, so it seems you gamble on her terms or control it on yours....worst thing that can happen is she enters rehab.

as far as you family friends and co-workers, only you can decide the right way, the right order, as for your dad ??? tough call....many times i have seen the ardent critic become the most supportive advocate once they have skin in the game. seems like its an inevitability. sorry for you if it ends in a nasty fashion, 11 yrs is a long time by todays standards.

or let her and tell everyone she's a crazy spiteful drunken dirtbag cause your leaving her.

[Glenda]

It sounds to me like 11 years is long enough. I do not think that staying in a relationship in which one or the other feels that threats are the best way to keep it stable is good for either one. I was in a relationship in which I was threatened and the threats were real. My parents, my work, my friends, my extended family..........they all knew me to be kind, courteous, giving, responsible, conscientious. She was not interested in helping me deal with any issues. She was angry and hurt about things that happened to her during her childhood. She just wanted me to hurt as much as she did. My relationship didn't change with any friends, family or co-workers. The only thing that ended was my relationship with her. Even twenty years later she still tries to be friends. I wont be mean to her but I will not share any part of my life with her. I'm accepted as me and am perfectly happy. Rehab will not help her unless she wants to be helped. Sorry if this sound cold, but I would not stay in a relationship under these terms.

[CONSUELO]

If your relationship has lasted 11 years I think you should also discuss the breakup consequences with a lawyer. You say you have a business and you do want to protect the investment you have made in it.

[Suzanne F]

Are you a cross dresser or TS? Have you limited yourself because if being Ina relationship? Have you ever really faced your gender issue? If you just want to cross dress it seems like none of these people will need to see you and you can just be matter of fact about it. If you are TS then maybe this is the push you need to face the world and be you!
Suzanne

[alwayshave]

Consuelo, I am a lawyer and don't fear the financial issues. I'd do just fine if I went out on my own, the only hiccup would be cash flow for the first 90 days or so which I can weather.

[ClosetED]

I have been threatened with being outed as well - hard to say which might be better - telling yourself or risk having a bitter person tell others. Will they be more sympathetic to you if the other person is doing it as clearly hurtful?
Others who have lived though this may give better advice.
Sorry you have to face this loss,
Hugs, Ellen

[Meghan4now]

Sounds like you're pretty solid. Vent as you need, I don't see that you need any advice really. But we support you.

[Allisa]

Take away her fuel and come out yourself than she cannot threaten you with it. No one has to see you dressed and you don't have to press the issue, sounds as though she will not stop or accept help until she hits rock bottom, you leaving and all others knowing how spiteful she is may just push her to do it. You deserve to live a good life.

[PamelaRI]

Alwayshave,

You're in a tough spot and I feel for you. I don't know how I would respond if I were in your place, but my initial reaction to your post was to think that you should take the risk for her sake. She needs the help and if you back down, she'll back out of rehab which could have serious ramifications for you, for her and perhaps for some other innocent person. Not that there is a guarantee that she'll remain in rehab if you do break off the relationship. Just as there is no guarantee if you stay. I think the question, that you're already calculating the risks for, is how do you handle the prospect of being outed. Based on the information that you've provided on your risk analysis, your father is the biggest concern. I'd recommend that you talk to your mother about it so that she can be ready to talk him should your SO go through with the threat.

Best of luck during this tough time.

[SherriePall]

First off, sorry about your current situation.
As for your SO, sounds like she is in denial about her problem. Until she hits bottom and admits she needs help, any help given her will not yield the desired results.
Her outing you at this point will probably be taken as coming from someone lashing out in desperation; someone with a "problem."
However things progress, I am sure we all empathize with you. Good luck.

[Sissy_Michelle]

Alwayshave,

Very tough position, regardless what anyone says they will not have to go through the millions of questions that you'll have to endure. And my suggestion were I in your shoes. Don't change what you're currently doing, answer all the questions truthfully and you'll find that it will make you feel better that you didn't hide. You may even get to dress more if that is your wish. . .

However, regardless what their political leaning some will support you and others will not. Just like some people are nice and some people are not. The only person that should be happy through this ordeal is you.

Good luck

@--}----
Michelle

[Teresa]

Jamie,
Suzanne poses an interesting question, if you feel you need to dress more through deeper needs, the thought of more people knowing may not be so much of a problem for you . If you can take the wind out of your partner's sails by coming out to people that matter round you it may be the best solution, at least you haven't that issue hanging over you . Most people will be fine about it, I haven't had a single person being difficult about it, although there is a difference between people knowing and actually seeing you and that's why I use my pictures to bridge that issue.

Your partner is in a mess with her drinking and didn't like being made to accept she needed help, so she had useful ammunition to lash out at you, I guess if it wasn't your dressing she may have found something else to hurt you with , she's no different to any other person with a drink problem. I know from experience as my father was a heavy drinker as my wife's father also was, they know how to hurt people and be abusive.

[Jackie7]

Wow Jamie I see my first wife and me in your story, she was a pill-head, first she was "we have to keep this (my dressing pretty) a secret," but soon in fits of rage en route to rehab she told our kids, my business associates and employees, and our friends. It was extremely difficult and painful, and (for me) the only way through it was to own it. Sounds like you will do something like that too.

So here's how it worked out for me. It all blew up 17 years ago, after 30 years married, I was 53. It took a few years to untangle and divorce, it took a few years to get back to center with my 3 grown kids, it took a few years, new work and a move to recover financially, and it took a few years to meet a woman who found my crossdressing to be fun for her. She's now my darling second wife, I'm 70, I'm socially out to many friends, I dress most of the time though not all, and I'm very happy. Got here one step at a time.

[MarcyRex]

I second what Jackie7 said.
My ex-wife had issues I could not solve nor was she making an effort, it was obvious my 22 yr marriage was over. She clearly was going to pull the martyr complex and out me during the divorce to collect a bigger payout via paid silence from me or a sympathetic judge. Regardless, this was not a matter of if but when. I found out she had already done so to receptive ears but on a minor scale. I needed to declaw this tiger, tell my story in a way I deserve, remove any possibility of shock and awe she might try. I worked hard on my coming out letter, many examples are to found via internet that are beautifully written with simple adjustments to personalize for your life.
Both my kids loved me and appreciated my letter. For them I would always be their dad. My brother wrote back an equally beautiful support email as well as "Ahaaa! So now I see where all those dots are connecting..." As it was, she most certainly outed me to all and sundry in the courthouse, every single visit. I took the high road and was matter of fact about stuff that was true and just as matter of fact about the falsehoods. It was not germane for the divorce; judge hears actual horrific stuff, fashion choices is not a blip on his/her radar. And all staff were very professional and even supportive. She poisoned her own well so to speak.
I am rebuilding myself financially now, but any divorce does that.
I am out to my daughters and fully supported. I dress freely in front of them and their friends as well. The circle widens, it is not a secret and I do not care.
My peers have occasionally gently kidded me but nothing mean.
I recently became engaged to a woman who accepts and supports me.
Returned to school, learning a new trade and finishing degree.
Coming out was freeing.
The divorce unchained me.
Still financially tight but OMG so much stress removed, you'd think I won the lottery.

[alwayshave]

Suzanne and Teresa, I am a crossdresser so I don't have a deep need for anyone to know I dress. In the end it is my father that I am most concerned with, no one else. I have done the math and know that even given any fallout I can leave. I love the woman, but I am at the end of dealing with the alcohol.

[Aunt Kelly]

Alwaysshave, you have received lots of advice, some of it conflicting, some of it probably hard to hear. Keep in mind that all of it is supportive. Many of us here face the possibility of going through something like this. Some of us actually have (No, not me, but that's not important right now). Just know that we're thinking of you. If the bomb goes off, there will be damage, for sure. But comfort and support are here, as will be the encouragement you need to get through it and come out the other side a wiser, and hopefully happier person.

Hugs,


Kelly

[Amy Lynn3]

Alwayshave, many of us have been in your shoes in one way or another. We all came out on top, but to remain in a stressful relationship only keeps one on the bottom. When it hit the fan for me, I lost some friends, if one wants to call them friends, but I owned it. What others do and feel you can't change. However, you are the only one you can change and that is the point of my post. LOOK after yourself first and what makes you happy, do it. You may love your SO, but believe me you will find others if you split.

[Dana44]

I was outed by my ex wife. So if she says that she will out you she will. I would get away from her though and your partners will most likely stand by you. LOL I gave my lawyer a document on our swapping partners and stuff and he said wow you had an open relationship. I said yep. He killed it in the first minutes of the court. Stating that we had an open relationship and that all of the sex and things about do not need to be dragged into the court. So don't fear that. However she did out me to everybody through phone calls.

[Judith96a]

Jamie,
Take your father to one side and tell him, on your terms. Then, the next time that your SO threatens to 'out' you, tell her "Go for it, fill your boots, who do you want to tell first, here's the phone!" There's only one way to deal with threats like these - pull the rug out from under them.
Dealing with the alcohol abuse is a much trickier problem. She has to admit to herself that she has a problem and seek help for herself - not to please you / keep the relationship / whatever. How far she has to sink before she will admit that she has a problem is anyone's guess. If you do love her then that process will be uncomfortable to witness.
Good luck!

[TracyUK]

Jamie,
I feel for you and just hope there is a resolution soon.
Talk to your mom and tell her what your partner is saying she will do, she will be the one who knows
your dad best. her advice could be priceless.

Hugs
Tracy xxxx

[Ellie Summer]

I'm truly sorry for what you're going through right now. Even with how difficult it must be, you sound like you have a mature way of dealing with it, and we all wish you the best. There are many paths to happiness in life. I hope she can get the alcohol under control, and if she can't I hope you can find happiness elsewhere. Either way, we're here for you.

[Stephanie47]

At age 87 your dad has seen it all in this world. I think his love for you will not diminish when he finds out, if he does not know already. One thing to consider is the fact that your significant other is just that an "other." I'm sure your family is aware of her alcoholism. I'm sure your family's love for you will outweigh any negativity about cross dressing. An attempt to destroy a mother's child, a father's child, a brother or sister will not go over well.

Alcoholism is a disease and perhaps that fact is worth extending additional time to get into a recovery program. But eleven years? How long are you willing to be held captive by her? That's the question we cannot answer. I can only say once she does out you she has lost her power over you.

[IamWren]

I really can't add much Jamie. Ellie wrote pretty much exactly what I would have.
Big hugs to you.