I am having daily mind melts.

[Exris]

So.

This is one place I can write this down.

My EX and I "kinda get along". We have to. We have a child together. Since me she had remarried and had 2 more kids. He turned out to be a violent arsehole - no surprise there. I knew him before they ever met (in a minor way) - tried warning her - was told I was interfering - and let her dig a new grave.

She is now divorced (again). But has a very weak boyfriend. She feels on top again I suppose. I am not hating on her but I know her very well. If she does not in some way have the upper hand in a relationship she feels unhappy. This guy is just perfect...

So back on track. I live along way from her and my daughter now. I sometimes come over and stay in a hotel. Usually tho... I stay at her house and she stays with the aforementioned carpet. I did this this Christmas. 5 days with my daughter. For reasons that dont matter much one night she had to stay in her own house. No problem... it's her house.

But it's Christmas. There is booze everywhere. I drank too much. She has little alcohol tolerance and drank too much too...

This isnt a post on "and then we went to bed and everything is great". We did not go to bed. Everything is not fine.

I do not exactly recall how the topic came up. But she accused me of being some kind of "non regular fetishist". Or words similar.

Remember... she looks after my kid. And her 2 others. And she was drunk. And angry.

She added 1+1 and got 879836236262786387253782537825387257825378253.

OMG! She screams at me. It's KIDS isnt it! You bleep bleep bleep....

WHERE HAD THAT COME FROM????? !!!!!!

I felt trapped. I had had a few... true. But conscious enough to know if this was what she thought I needed to get things straight right away.

I felt trapped.

So I told her. "I like to... dress up nice and pretty. I like to be pretty. I do not have sex with men and there is only one person that knows about this"... I told her who knows. She knows why he knows (A gay mutual friend that is perhaps the only person I can confide in). She is OK with him.

She is actually OK with me (now). But the more I think of this I realize without a shadow of a doubt I have been subject to speculation on what the secret is for years. And the natural suggestion... is THE WORLDS WORST accusation.

Iv been really bothered about it since. I am having what could be best described as daily "system crashes" if I were a computer.

I am on meds for a heart condition. It has gotten alot worse since this realization. I am appalled by the accusation - and appalled at the no-win way in which my secret was extracted from me.

Any advise? I could sure use some...

[Dana44]

Oh my, I don't think there is any good advice here yet, don't fret on it too much. Yep it is a no-win, except that she now knows and perhaps when she thinks on it. Oh well, He was just dressing and it was not a fetish. Oh a feminine man might be all she thinks. Ah ,she is not too much in your life and don't really worry about it. They may just call you weird Exris as you visit them. Hope this helps a little.

[Julie MA]

Exris, tough way to come out to someone who is around your kids alot more than you. With her upperhanded propensity I would imagine her holding this over your head in the future. At least you told her the truth and didn't let her assumption get worse and prevent you seeing the kids. Julie

[Exris]

Thankyou both.

Her "speculation" has never ceased since she was given access to one of my computers many... many years ago. I didnt clean the .DAT file.

This was a long time ago. The internet was a new thing. I had had this "special interest" for years before. The internet did not create this in me. It just allowed me to explore it.

But I am not trying to be offensive to anyone. I am one of you. This was early 2000's. There were not the websites and help groups there are now. Nor the understanding. There were a few really crappy porn sites that had a "Chicks with dicks" section. I wasnt interested in the dick part. I was very interested in the "how chick can you be with a dick" part if you get me.

She saw that at the time. It was a major part of our disintegration. I still never said anything... even knowing it would lead to family breakup. She gave me a choice I suppose. But it was Hobsons choice.

And now many years later when we have nothing much to do with other except to make sure our daughter grows up to be the awesome woman I know she will be... THIS.

It is killing me internally. I have done nothing wrong. I feel constant humiliation. And I am not used to that. I am used to controlling a situation. I am used to setting the agenda. And I dont like this. I dont know how to proceed and move forward.

[Tracii G]

You learned its never good to socialize with ex's.
She played you and you bit on the bait.

[Joni T]

I collect ex-wives. I have 2. They're ex's for a reason. I don't/wouldn't care to socialize/see either one of them.
Jon-

[Becky Blue]

Alcohol and dressing, alcohol and ex wives, too much alcohol and most things ... no good can come from it... keep the drinking to moderate levels and our lives would be so much simpler.

[Tracii G]

Been married twice and burned twice so I hope you learned your lesson.

[Kelly DeWinter]

Exris, when it comes to alcohol and people there are drunks,sloppy drunks,fall down drunks,angry drunks and mean drunks. You have to realize that alcohol loosens inhibitions and all the "stuff" will come pouring out. Apparently she has not gotten over the "stuff" from your marriage. Unless shes willing to sit down and talk about the "stuff" you will be the proverbial punching bag when she feels like unloading. Just walk out of the room or house and shut it down because you really can't have a two way conversation with a drunk. For your health just walk away. It took me years to realize that my ex had issues too, including her drinking and I took the brunt of things because I thought I had to put up with a social drinker who had a mean streak when drinking.

You may end up having to become a parent who picks up and drops of the kids while visiting. Not the best situation, but better then whats happening now.

[Exris]

To the most recent posters.

Im not sure you are getting the vibe of the thread. I may need to expand on it.

In short: I am a CD. I have been for a very.. very... long time. I confide in almost noone. Noone that will ever expose me anyway.

But this was extracted from me under the threat of the worst thing in society anyone can be labeled with. When I confessed what was really going on I got a "Ahhh... that makes sense now".

My deepest secret. One I was convinced I would take to the grave. Ripped away and exposed under threat of something I abhor and detest just as much as the rest of you.

Looks like the daily mind crash will continue for a while.

[SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

Exris, when it comes to alcohol and people there are drunks,sloppy drunks,fall down drunks,angry drunks and mean drunks. You have to realize that alcohol loosens inhibitions and all the "stuff" will come pouring out..

Good advice.

I will freely admit I drink alot. Too much being honest. But I am one of those "happy drunks" when drunk. And Im usually not drunk. I may be a little forceful in dragging someone to Karaoke... maybe a bit slapstick. But nastiness... never. Violent... never. When told "No" ... always respectful.

As previously stated... my Ex doesn't drink much. When she does she only changes in that she gets reflective. She is not nasty or violent either. I do not hate her.

For gods sake I went through divorce rather than admit this. The only threat she could have used to get me to say it she did. And it is the most horrible and disgusting accusation you can ever have flung at you.

Put yourself in my high heels. I have 3 pairs. None of them are comfortable right now. I need a CTRL>ALT>DEL on my mind and I dont know how to do it.

[Tracii G]

Ok if you are "exposed" what is your big fear?

[Exris]

Well Im surprised you are asking... but I will spell it out since you asked.

We disagree on some aspects of our daughters upbringing. It has gone to court in the past. I want her to have a secular upbringing. Her mother wants her to go to a Church school. This is a massive void between us. If my daughter decides her mother's thinking is the way.. then she decides that. I wont be thrilled I admit. But it will be her choice. If on the other hand she goes to a Church school then there is only one choice. There is no freedom in that. It is false equivalence to claim otherwise.

This maters to me.

And this WILL at some point be used against me. I will one day be faced with this question. It may or may not be about my daughter of her school. But it is a golden ticket to get me to back off on any issue... forever. It is a coup de grace and I cant counter it. I can and will loose every future argument by this threat alone. And it was extorted from me by lies and unfounded speculation.

My mind crash will continue for a while. This is damaging to me in a way I fail to understand the rest of this community dont realize. If this happened to you how would you react?

[Tracii G]

OK so all of this is over what school your daughter goes to?
A church school will give her a better education than a regular public school. I see no reason to gripe about that.
The teachers make them toe the line and don't take any crap off the kids.
I live next door to a Catholic school and the kids are well behaved and get a great education.
I thought is was about your CDing.
If you are worried about her blabbing to others that you CD act like it doesn't bother you and that will take the wind out of her sails.
If someone asks you just laugh it off and say my ex drinks too much so no telling what she might say.
Don't let her blackmail you be a man and stand up to her.

[Kelly DeWinter]

No one is a "happy drunk", what is seen as "a little forceful" to a drunk can be interpreted as an assault by the other person. I've seen many women with bruises on their arms from 'happy' drunks who just wanted to dance and have a little fun. Not saying its you, just a reality check for you.

As far as your daughter is concerned focus on building a relationship with her, no matter what age, If your ex is wielding you being TG/CD over your head, then consider being open with your kid from an early age. there are posts here from members who have told their kids at a young age, and have wonderful relationships . Its not like its a disease or a mental defect in you. You have to figure out for yourself what it means to you first. Make friends within the community as Tracii suggests and focus on building a home and security for you kid when you have her.
''
You appear to be having a panic attack over this and will greatly benefit from counseling and group therapy.

If you don't take care of yourself you cannot take care of anyone else.

Keep posting and reading.

[Shelly Preston]

I would say firstly make sure your daughter goes to the best school, whichever one it may be.

As for your ex holding this over you I don't see it happening. I have a feeling she will not want to tell your daughter.

Remember dressing is something that people are more aware of now than they have ever been.

I understand why you felt you had to tell her. Her accusation could have had much greater consequences.

[Tracii G]

What would really help is stop drinking alcohol all together.
I was able to stop and my life has been much better than being under the influence for 75% of the day.
Getting into a support group or seeing a therapist is a good idea as well.

[ClosetED]

Here is another way to view the situation.
Ex-wife thought you were pedophile and would have tried to hold that against you, as that is illegal. Now she knows you are a CD, which is not even a psychiatric diagnosis, but an ascertainment. Who knows, maybe she would have liked a submissive CDer.
Which school and the possible brainwashing has not changed. It is the power to use your secret with your daughter or in any proceedings that matter, in my view. So is the secret, now known rather than the worse one suspected, that powerful?
You don't live nearby, so ex is not likely to interfere with your daily life. She could spoil your daughter, but I can see her being much more scared of pedophile than CDer, if she knows there is a difference. And in court, I see little power of what you do at home when daughter lives with her.
So please elaborate on your fears and stop having panic attacks.
Hugs, Ellen

[Exris]

Thankyou all. Every one of you. I was going to avoid this site for a few days after I saw notifications I had been moderated. I thought to myself "Well thats it... Iv blown it now. Iv had an even more public mind melt than I thought I would".

It is not allowed to discuss moderation issues in public. I do feel tho I am free to say I was dealt with fairly and with dignity. And only on points where it was fair to pull me up. The mods here dont get alot of love sometimes. They were very fair with me.

OK so all of this is over what school your daughter goes to?

No. That was only one example of a cause of friction between us. It's a big one to me. But only an example.

A church school will give her a better education than a regular public school. I see no reason to gripe about that.
The teachers make them toe the line and don't take any crap off the kids.

That may be the normal in the USA. Here in the UK it is much more varied. There are some (I have to admit this... because it's true) excellent religiously orientated schools. There are also some appealing ones. Some of my RC friends went to one. 30 years ago sure... but what they told me about it is branded on my mind. She currently goes to a well above average secular school. The CoE school that is the alternative is considerably below in SAT scores. Where is the win here?

I thought is was about your CDing.
If you are worried about her blabbing to others that you CD...

Im more than worried. Much more. I have been done with this woman relationship wise for 10 years. I have zero desire to rekindle. I really doubt she has either. She should have closed the page on that chapter of her life and mine... and not keep poking the box.

No one is a "happy drunk", what is seen as "a little forceful" to a drunk can be interpreted as an assault by the other person. I've seen many women with bruises on their arms from 'happy' drunks who just wanted to dance and have a little fun. Not saying its you, just a reality check for you.

Thats not me. Noone. EVER. Not even a pinky swear. Has even been harmed by me when Iv had a drink. I did alot of Karate in my youth. Im older now and quite rubbish at it. But the Sensei's spent almost as much time teaching us inner mind and control as they did how to fight or get through a Kata. Iv forgotten half the moves in a Kata. Im physically unable to get through more than half of it. But the inner mind and control is still with me. Noone has ever been hurt. Not once. I could relate many stories if you wish. I could go further and mention my days in the RAF. None of that matters. Nobody. Ever. Has been hurt by a lack of control.

You appear to be having a panic attack over this and will greatly benefit from counseling and group therapy.

I am in a panic. This is totally true. I cannot reconcile how easy it is to throw that kind of accusation at me. I will give a little thought to counseling. Group counseling however if off the agenda.

PS. The gif avatar you have is terrific

What would really help is stop drinking alcohol all together.
I was able to stop and my life has been much better than being under the influence for 75% of the day.
Getting into a support group or seeing a therapist is a good idea as well.

We are discussing me as if Im some kind of Alc'y. Some days I have a drink if theres something in the house. There often is I admit. But some days there isnt. I dont get shaky and run out to the supermarket. It is true that I am drinking more and more these days and I need to reel that back otherwise I will have serious issues long term. And I will reel that back. Firstly because I recognize it is necessary. Secondly because I want to...

Here is another way to view the situation.
Ex-wife thought you were pedophile and would have tried to hold that against you, as that is illegal. Now she knows you are a CD, which is not even a psychiatric diagnosis, but an ascertainment. Who knows, maybe she would have liked a submissive CDer.

I dont know how you did it. You should win some kind of prize. Bloody amazing.

"The carpet" I mentioned earlier. I did get an extraction from her. She dresses him up and puts makeup on him. He hates it. I dont mean he pretends to hate it. He does.

During "that chat" when I opened up (under duress). She saw what it was doing to me. And Im glad she had had some drinks... she would never have done it otherwise. It almost became a competition in whose misery was the worse. She showed me her drugs for her (unbeknownst to me until then) bi-polar disorder. Frankly... I dont believe it TBH. More special snowflake agenda calling if my opinion matters. But anyway she is on some medication. She then went on to say she has a high T count and it's causing her all kinds of issues.

LOL. You couldnt make this crap up even if you were JK Rowling.

I'll get through this one way or another. The reboots in my mind are still happening. It's the manipulation that I cant get over. I will sort it and thankyou all for your messages - but no need to reply any further.

I will deal with this.

[Cheryl T]

Unless she has proof in some form that she can use against you then just ignore the threats and move on.
If she says anything just use the drinking as your weapon. She is an alcoholic, venomous and is just trying to hurt you. There is your argument.

Worry about your child not about her.

[Tracii G]

If she is diagnosed as bi polar and on meds for it then she has no credibility.
As far as alcoholism goes you would be the last to admit you have a problem with it and offer up the old line I can quit anytime I want or its not a problem.I did that for years.
Alcohol IS what caused this whole problem based on your original post.
Don't use your child as a wedge in the relationship do what is best for her because its not about you in the long run.
Church school, secular school is that worth arguing about and ruining your relationship with your daughter and your ex?
I don't think you are telling the whole story here thats just my 2 pesos.

[Stephanie_V]

Another perspective, if you are willing to read it
First, the cat is out of the bag about yout CDing. Cant un-ring that bell. Worrying about that is counterproductive. What you can do is find out how she feels about it and if she has any concerns about it. You and her share a bond through your daughter. That will never go away. By her own admission, she knew there was something going on else she would of never made an accusation. I'm guessing you kept your dressing to yourself and thought you kept the secret well. She obviously picked up on something amd without accurate knowledge let her imagination fill in the blanks.
If I was in yout shoes, I would have the talk with her. Granted you are no longer married, but since you have a daughter together, your lives are interconnected. Find out if she intends to use this against you. Explain to her that you wish this information to remain between the two of you. Ask her if she has any fears about your CDing. Educate her with the truths about it instead of her having to rely on the misconceptions that are out there.
My two cents on the matter. Hopefully you are now two cents richer

[docrobbysherry]

Exris, I feel your pain! My ex and I split when our youngest was about 3. It had nothing to do with my dressing because I only serious after we split up. Here's my 2 cents based on my experience:

My ex had/has bipolar, mental issues. I avoided her like the plague. Even more now. However, like u, I was forced to deal with her until our youngest became 18 and had the choice of which of us to live with. She chose me over her unstable mom, of course.

My oldest is my step kid. She went to live with her dad and stepmom for a year. They sent her to a religious school where she learned the earth is 12,000 years old, dinosaurs r fake and other choice goodies. But, she's a bright girl. And, after returning to us and public school, she caught up with her mates in no time.

My ex threatened to bring up my dressing at our divorce hearing. But, I had some dirt on her, too. Which I would not allow my attorney to mention unless my ex dropped the CD bomb!

U don't mention who has custody of your daughter? Or, her age. If it's joint u should be getting her 1/2 the time. Since you're not, I'll assume u don't have joint. In which case your ex has the complete say about your daughter? So, what else could she do to u except blab about your "hobby" to friends? I suggest u talk turkey with your ex. Explain that if your dressing gets out it could be WAY more damaging to your daughter than to u!

[Tracii G]

Sherry make a very good point if your CDing gets out.
1. It will harm your Daughter.
2. It will damage your ex and make her look like a fool and a spiteful bitch. (which would be fine actually).
3. It will damage your ability to have a meaningful relationship of Father ,Mother ,Daughter.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

I doubt Excris's ex cares more about her daughter's emotional wellbeing than she does about scoring points anywhere she can. That kind of corrosive personality poisons everything it touches. She's clearly into power and appears to hate men. She is willing to hit below the belt and possibly goes out of her way to engineer circumstances where she will feel justified in doing so. What we call a bunny-boiler.

I agree with many others that it is vital that Excris does not drink in her presence, or communicate with her if he's been drinking at all. This applies equally to phone, email, or face-to-face.

The poor standing in league tables is the best defence against the church school, focus on that and don't get deflected. Right now the most important thing is to reduce your stress levels. Try to keep the drinking to a low level, get plenty of physical exercise, and find a therapist to help you deal with the stress. You're no use to your daughter if you're dead. Stop giving your ex the power to hurt you. Avoid her when possible, don't rise to her bait, and concentrate on fixing yourself- she's not going to change so you have to.

I wish you the very best of luck.

[ReineD]

It is killing me internally. I have done nothing wrong. I feel constant humiliation. And I am not used to that. I am used to controlling a situation. I am used to setting the agenda. And I dont like this. I dont know how to proceed and move forward.

So to clarify (please correct me if I've got this wrong), you are surprised at the negative assumptions she made about your motives during all these years? You're upset that she thought you did this for fetish, when your motive was not sexual? And you're upset that with all the time the two of you had been together, she didn't seem to know you any better than that?

I'll respond further after you tell me whether I've got it right or not.